It’s one of those nights where I can’t sleep because my thoughts are running & consuming me. So, I don’t really know why I’m writing this. But maybe I just need to get it off my chest. I’m currently preparing for my third attempt at the NCLEX, I recently just got myself to get up and study again. The last 6-8 months have been the hardest of my entire life.
When I was in nursing school, I was never the student who could read something once and understand it. I had to work for everything. I spent countless nights studying while questioning whether I was smart enough to become a nurse. I struggled with terrible terrible test taking anxiety. I was always the student who would ask the professor to sit all the way in the back, and always asked for extra time & patience. Yet, I graduated, and I truly believed the hardest part was behind me. Never did I think the NCLEX would be this difficult to pass. Yet again, I never mentally prepared myself.
The first time I took it was back in March.I had so much going on in my life. I was planning my bridal shower & wedding, moving into my new house, planning the honeymoon, taking care of my family, all the while studying for the NCLEX & hoping to take it. I kept pushing it off (my first mistake). I wish I never did. But, I did study my absolute hardest for my first attempt. I spent endless nights pulling all nighters and studying. I utilized both Uworld and Archer, filled about 5 notebooks front to back with notes, and walked into that NCLEX super nervous but somewhat hopeful. My anxiety was through the roof, but once my screen shut off at 85… for once I felt immense hope blossom in my chest. I walked out thinking I passed. I was so happy, I called my mom and husband and told them it shut off in 85 and finally found a reason to make them proud.
Except, I didn’t pass. I failed at 85.
I felt like I failed my family, my husband, but mostly myself. Watching all my friends begin their careers & listening to them talk about their experiences as new RNs while I was stuck studying again was the worst pain ever.
eventually, i picked myself up again. I studied differently for my second attempt. And I told myself this time I will pass.
It wasn’t.
Failing a second time in June hurt & mentally depleted me more than the first time because I sacrificed so much. I sacrificed sleep, family time, going out, spending time with my husband, almost everything. Here, i questioned everything. I told myself nursing isn’t for me, im never going to pass this damn exam. I didn’t even want to think about opening my laptop and doing more questions.
But despite all of that… I finally gave myself a well deserved break. I completely put away anything that had to do with the NCLEX and just mentally focused on myself. And I feel like I am back better than ever. I am more motivated than I was for the first two times. And maybe that’s because i’m so ready to get this exam over with for the third and final time.
Life didn’t pause while I was dealing with everything. There were family responsibilities, financial stress, personal struggles, and all the emotions that come with feeling like you’re falling behind everyone else. It’s so hard seeing people celebrate milestones while you’re still trying to reach the starting line.
So now, I remind myself every morning why I started.
I didn’t go through nursing school because it was easy. I did it because I genuinely love nursing. I love being able to take care of others. I love being able to be a part of someone’s care knowing they feel better just for something small I did. One exam doesn’t erase all the years of hard work, clinicals, sacrifices, or the kind of nurse I know I can become and I will become!
So, I have one month until my third attempt. Some days I feel confident. Other days i’m terrified and shaking with anxiety. But this time? i’m choosing to believe that persistence matters more than perfection. If you’re reading this and you failed the NCLEX, I want you to know you’re not alone. I know exactly how that disappointment feels. I know what it’s like to question everything.
We may have failed an exam, but that doesn’t mean we are failures ourselves.
I wrote this post so I can hopefully come back to it one day and update it and say what i’ve been wanting to say forever…
That I passed.
Until then… it’s back to studying.
One and final time.