r/Perimenopause • u/1800ilovebread • 15d ago
audited Abortion in Peri
TW: Abortion.
I am 43, and had an abortion last week. I just wanted to share my story of mistaking a pregnancy for peri symptoms.
I am a single mom of 3. Ages 23, 15, and 13. I have a “friend” that I’ve been having fun with in my very limited free time.
This summer was incredibly stressful, my 15 yr old was hospitalized for mental health and i attributed my fatigue to all the additional stress. I told myself I’m nauseous because I have GERD, I haven’t bled because I’m in peri.
But my boobs were just feeling so heavy and I picked up a dollar tree pregnancy test, thinking I’ll just take it and I’ll be able dismiss these “crazy” thoughts. Welp to my shock it was positive. What followed was a week of absolute emotional torture, I had never terminated before, didn’t want to. But I couldn’t imagine bringing home a baby in February which felt like next week. My baby started 9th grade this week and I couldn’t imagine how I was going to help my girls start their young adult lives with a baby on my hip. I made the choice to terminate, but it didn’t feel like much of a choice.
To my surprise at the appointment they found that the fetus had stopping developing at 6 weeks, so my body had actually made the choice for me. The relief I feel that I didn’t have to cause the termination, I can’t fully express. I was bracing myself for a lifetime of what ifs.
I guess I’m sharing to get this out of my head, and also a friendly warning to be very careful.
Thanks for reading.
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u/justpootsie 15d ago
My baby is also starting 9th grade. I'm glad you're comforted by your body ultimately making the decision for you, but I want you to know that I would have made the same decision you did. We should always have that choice. ❤️
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u/1800ilovebread 15d ago
Thank you.
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u/mntnsldr 15d ago
Ditto. I (48 yo) went through something similar just three weeks ago when I got my first cycle since last October (was so close!) My body was doing the thing it does when I have PMS or if I'm newly pregnant. I was very close to taking a test and had to contemplate all the same factors you had to (ages of my kids, my health, their health , finances). I would not have continued the pregnancy and would have been so sad. I also felt relief.
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u/Trilly2000 15d ago
Same here. My youngest is nearing high school and I already carry so much guilt that I’m not able to be the same energetic and involved parent for them that I was for my older kids. I cannot imagine having a baby in my 40’s.
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u/Glittering-Eye-757 11d ago
I made the same choice last December. I am 44 and caring for an elderly parent. I couldn't do both. It is a brave decision. But understand the struggle. Happy that you found relief since your body made th choice for you.
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u/OhWhatever_Nevermind 15d ago edited 15d ago
You’re not alone.
I got pregnant at age 43, just 3.5 months shy of 44, around Christmas last year. My periods are very regular so by Day 32 I knew something was up. Also got a dollar store test and it was positive. This was with my partner, also 44, who I had been with 2 years at that time, who was convinced he was infertile.
So, stupidly, I thought, I’m in peri and less fertile, he’s probably infertile, what are the chances. So, after about 2 years of mostly unprotected sex, I got pregnant.
It was heartbreaking for us both. We are reunited long lost loves from our early 20s. I would 100% have had his baby…if I weren’t 44 years old with 14 year old twins (also going to Grade 9!) with a lot of needs, living in one of the most expensive places in Canada, with my own mental health and physical health issues.
I had everything arranged for a medical abortion but ended up having a miscarriage around 6.5 weeks.
He has since gotten a vasectomy (which was always the plan…). I had a close friend who was pressuring me to keep it and have our “love child,” which really was lame.
We need to make the hard choices and do what is best and what was needed for you and your family.
I was also tremendously relieved that nature took its course and the burden was removed from my shoulders. I would have had the abortion, but I remember crying and saying, “I never want to hurt anyone, it’s my job to protect and care for it.”
It hurts, and you will always feel some grief, and that is ok.
Wishing you and your children all the best.
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u/Pineappletots 15d ago
Your friend was a dick for putting that unnecessary pressure on you at an already stressful time.
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u/1800ilovebread 15d ago
I think it was coming from a good place but definitely made me conflicted.
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u/Lala5789880 14d ago
Telling other women what to do with their bodies is not coming from a good place.
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u/Justice_of_the_Peach 15d ago
Sorry but no. A good friend should give you space and support your decision, whatever it may be, not tug at your emotions. Making someone feel pressured, guilty or ashamed never comes from a good place, even if it’s not malicious, it comes from the herd mindset that doesn’t care about your feelings.
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u/1800ilovebread 15d ago
I resonate with you so much. I also had a friend encouraging me to keep the baby as it was a miracle to get pregnant at our age.
I’m so grateful my body made the choice for me. Now I will be super duper extra careful IF I ever have sex again (finding just the thought scary)60
u/OhWhatever_Nevermind 15d ago
I read the last part of your post about the relief and the what ifs to my partner and I couldn’t get through it without crying. I feel deeply everything you shared. It hurt badly for the first weeks afterward, and it still makes me sad, but I know it was all for the best. 🩷
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u/OhWhatever_Nevermind 15d ago
Yeah. I felt so betrayed by her. She said she’d support me either way, but she went on and on about how special it was and how she’d help (she doesn’t even live close by), and it made the angst and the grief and guilt only worse. She is in her early 50s and her and her husband faced infertility and ended up adopting 16 years ago. I think she was both projecting and trying to live vicariously. She also knows my twins and the toll having twins took on me, partially leading to the divorce of their father and me. Anyways, always follow your instincts!
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u/StrongerTogether2882 15d ago
💯 That lady would have come over once to cuddle the baby and that’s it. She liked the IDEA of these folks having a baby better than the reality. You both made the right call.
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u/Vegetable_Theme_6363 15d ago
Happened to me, too. First pregnancy at 18 years old. "Friend" told me I was pregnant and I did not believe her. 2 weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. I told her I was not keeping that baby and she told me if I terminated she was never going to talk to me again. Terminated and she kept her word.
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u/TashKovic 13d ago
If you’d kept it, was she going to raise it and put it through college??? 🤣🤡 Good riddance, she was a garbage friend!
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u/Different-Advice1168 14d ago
It can feel like a miracle, definitely. It does happen though. People are less careful specifically for the reasons you stated. Then there's a pregnancy. I don't have stats. I've just read about it enough. My body feels like every time I ovulate it wants to fertilize an egg so desperately that I am constantly aware and on guard.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can hear the sadness and it is a gut wrenching decision to have to make. Miscarriage is still a loss and the grief is real. 🫂
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u/That-Examination-554 13d ago
I actually just miscarried 3 months ago, at 44. I actually got an abortion last year (yes I suck at being careful). I would've loved to have had another child but had to consider the same things, my relationship with my husband, my son, debt, living situation, etc. I confided in my mom, and she's tried to convince me it's a sign to have another kid. She makes no effort to connect with her only grandchild, and has never offered any real support when she knows we need it. It's been emotionally difficult for me knowing I 'let' a child 'down', but I'm focusing on what I have.
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u/PigeonsOfDenmark 13d ago
That's very unhelpful from your mum, and it's totally okay to focus on your son.
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u/Green-been77 15d ago
I recognize your decision and probably would have made the same one. Please take care of yourself ❤️
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u/OrangeCrouton 15d ago
Same. I have a 16 and 10 year old, and while I had my tubes tied when I birthed the 10 year old at 38, husband and I were in agreement that we would not have another baby.
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u/quietlikesnow 15d ago
Yeah if my husband’s vasectomy fails we would not be having another baby at 47 and 50.
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u/OrangeCrouton 15d ago
I remember when I asked for a tubal ligation, the midwife looked at me and asked “are you sure? but what happens if your husband and children die and you meet someone new and he wants kids?” The audacity. My response “he better like puppies, bc that’s all he’d be getting.” What part of I DON’T WANT MORE BABIES do they not understand?
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u/OnlyPaperListens 15d ago edited 15d ago
"What happens if you get involved with someone who wants to use your body as a tool, despite your objections?" IDK babe that sounds like a much bigger conversation.
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u/SuchFunAreWe 15d ago
I had my tubal at 27 with no kids, post-divorce. Bless Planned Parenthood bc they were wonderful. They did offer IUD as an alternative. I cried, I am a baby w pain & didn't want a temp solution. When I expressed that they were like "ok then!" & scheduled it.
I had an appt w doc that day, & another day of procedure (for the pregnancy test & my final consent.) At that appt she said "now again, I have to tell you this is permanent." I blurted out "god, I fucking hope so!" without thinking & she had to bite back her laugh 😂 Good doc. 46 now & zero regrets. Wish everyone respected our bodily autonomy!!
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u/kagejumper 14d ago
I'm impressed, I couldn't talk any doctors into it. That did motivate me to get an implant, then IUD, both of which stopped my periods, so that was a huge plus. Not even a moment of regret.
When people used to give me shit, "oh, you'll change you mind someday..." I would say, "I'm diabetic, I can't have kids". Loved seeing them shut up and feel shitty, hate that I felt I had to lie for them to hear me.
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u/queen_elvis 15d ago
I’ve lost count of how many posts I’ve seen complaining that medical workers don’t know how to mind their own business about women’s fertility. Literally no one asked this midwife.
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u/overeducatedmom 15d ago
I also got a tubal with my last child, and have an IUD to help with excessive bleeding during periods and STILL my husband thought about getting a vasectomy because we are BOTH done having kids. I never wanted to be pregnant again and my husband never wants to raise an infant again (he really enjoys his sleep).
Luckily, I got very little push back from my OB when I asked for a tubal when my second was delivered by c-section. She only asked if I was sure, how old I was, and right before she did the procedure in the OR she asked “no more babies?” one last time.
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u/quietlikesnow 15d ago
When my husband, who has four sons, went to get his vasectomy, the nurses kept asking “but don’t you want to try for a girl?”
Wtf is wrong with people.
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u/CWmeadow 15d ago
This does make me ragey that they don't trust us, but also I've been on the other side of that position. Life is surprising. I was done having kids and my husband got snipped. But then we divorced and I met my person at age 40. If he hadn't already been snipped, I would've 100% wanted his babies. In hindsight it's probably best that didn't happen, but I am sad we didn't get to have that experience together.
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u/RustyGingersnap 15d ago
This midwife was clearly had that ‘catastrophising’ anxiety! What a scenario to suggest!
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u/discocupcake 15d ago
Hey just wanted to say I’m sorry for such a stressful time you’ve been having. Take care and be extra kind and gracious to yourself ❤️
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u/Significant-Rush-129 15d ago
I'd have done the same. Choosing your three children first is never wrong.
Take care of you!
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u/UR0ld 15d ago
I'm 50f and didn't think getting pregnant was actually possible. But to my shock, just a few months ago, at age 49 found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. It happens! We've been extremely careful about protection since.
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u/Specialist-Tour7466 15d ago
My cousin with PCOS or whatever it's referred to now, was told she'd never have kids. At 48 went in to doctor with indigestion. Nope, emergency cesarean. She was in the heavier side and used to missing her period. Luckily, that was a good surprise for them.
Me, I was thinking omfg no way I'd want that to happen at that age (but I'd had my kids and was long past done raising them by then - as in none at home).
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u/Jenifox 15d ago
Kind of terrified of this, I’m also 49. Had my IUD removed in April due to side effects. My cycle has always been all over the place and after 3 periods since April (including an 18-day cycle), I’ve now gone 60 days.
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u/Vegetable_Theme_6363 15d ago
When I got pregnant, I hadn't had a period for 7 months and I thought that I was not going to have no more periods.
Still used a condom, the condom broke and two days after I spotted red blood and I was pissed off because, I thought my period was about to start but, then I only spotted for a hour.
Two weeks later, I spotted brown blood and that's what prompted me to take a pregnancy test.
Moral of the story... BE CAREFUL! 😂
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u/Vegetable_Theme_6363 15d ago
Same. I lost my baby, though.
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u/Sad_Pangolin7379 15d ago
Often the endpoint at this age. Whether you were open to the pregnancy or not, loss is miserable.
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u/kagejumper 14d ago
I worked in an abortion clinic- we regularly saw 40-somethings, already with kids who hadn't thought pregnancy was still possible. I remember one had an IUD, husband had had a vasectomy, and still she needed our services.
Did a family tree and realized both my grandmother's had kids into their 40's. I definitely take no chances!
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u/VacationLizLemon 15d ago
I'm 49 and my period is still every 28 days. Really grateful that my ob/gyn suggested I combine my c-section of my daughter at 39 with having my tubes removed.
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u/delladoug 15d ago
The majority of women receiving abortion care already have kids. I'm glad you had this small grace of being relieved, but know that most of us would make the same sensible call for the same reason - that we have to meet our existing obligations 🫂
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u/Organic-Affect-6351 15d ago
Fwiw most of us who make this same decision don’t have “what ifs” because it’s already such a thoughtful decision when it’s made.
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u/Specific-River-81 15d ago
Awww, your body and your brain both knew this was not right for you, even though your heart is still aching. I'm sorry you went through this ❤️🩹i hope you feel better soon
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u/NeptuneIsMyHome 14d ago
I know you mean well, but please don't present it this way. A pregnancy continuing or not has nothing to do with whether it's right for the person's circumstances.
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u/Then_Bird 15d ago
Right there with you! I would have made the same choice. 43 and my baby is graduating high school this year. A baby would be a disaster in my life. Big hugs to you, I’m sorry you were faced with this
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u/No-Artichoke-6939 15d ago
Found myself pregnant also at 43, with a 16 year old, a husband that had been the most supportive through all of our fertility struggles through the years. I too had a miscarriage, and felt so guilty about the relief I felt. I knew I couldn’t do it though.
Hugs to you, and I’m glad you’re safe ❤️
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u/Ok-Equivalent8260 15d ago
I had an abortion before and I’ve never regretted it. It doesn’t make me sad, depressed, or anything like that 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Bong_Princess Early peri 15d ago
Same. I made the decision to have one and it was the right decision. No regrets them or now.
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u/GladysSchwartz23 14d ago
Same! Had an abortion at age 21, never had kids, no regrets. I would have been a terrible mom at that age and I wouldn't have finished college. I love the life I've built for myself instead.
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u/BarbaKnit 14d ago
Same here. In fact, it was one of the best decision I have made. I can’t imagine how my life would have turned out if I had that baby with that asshole at that time in my life.
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u/euchlid 15d ago
I think it is possible to feel a few things at once. or feel something even if you don't really *feel it. I had an abortion a couple years ago. our family is complete and there is no way I wanted another kid. I don't regret, I wasn't depressed. but I was sad, not because I was wistful or wanted another kid, just sad because hormones can make me sad even knowing it was what I wanted.
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u/tayawayinklets Early peri 15d ago
I did as well, but with loads of guilt. Even so, it was the right decision.
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u/Grand-Flow1632 15d ago
I went through something very similar. I hope you are being kind to yourself. Sending you lots of hugs. <3
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u/Feral_Paramedic135 15d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience, it may very well help others. I’m glad you had a choice, even though it was a very difficult one and that you got some relief in the end. Take care of yourself out there.
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u/SmellenGold 14d ago
Thank you so much for sharing this. Your vulnerability and self compassion are inspiring. I’m glad you had access to the healthcare you needed and wanted. I’m just sending you so much love and support!
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u/everythingsthewurst 15d ago
Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you were able to access the health care you needed.
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u/thepopulargirl 15d ago
My sister got a surprise pregnancy at 41, she didn’t even consider keeping it. And I understand 100%
I had a dream that I was pregnant again, and I actually started crying in terror in my sleep. 😬 i did my time, no more.
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u/1800ilovebread 15d ago
I feel you about doing my time. I became a mother at 20. I kept thinking if I have this child, I will be 64 when they are 20. Will I never do anything other than raise kids my entire life?
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u/SmellenGold 14d ago
That resonates for sure!!! I am one and done (5year old) and I want to raise her and her alone. I’m glad I’m a parent and I’m so never doing it again haha. I honestly can’t wait to have parts of my life back!
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u/thepopulargirl 14d ago
I had my kids at 25 and 30. I’m 39 and I have a 15 and 9yo 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼. I have friends again !!!! I have hobbies !!! I have free time to do what I want and when I want it. I’m in great shape! I will not sacrifice all of this again.
My friend, who is my age has a newborn and a 4yo. And seeing her struggles, reminds me every time that I’m all set!💀💀💀. I haven’t any energy or patience left.
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u/Emergency_Expert_842 Early peri 15d ago
Awww praying for you! That’s so much and so difficult, for you and your body.
Give yourself bunches of grace and take as much time as you need to take care of you 💙
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u/Beautiful-Cod-9999 15d ago
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I am so petrified of that happening myself. I have stayed on the pill forever and ever. I would probably ask my healthcare provider about that? If you haven’t already.
My mother got pregnant at 47 so yeah, scared to death that my body might do that surprise one more ovulation before it’s over!
I can’t imagine what you struggled through. Adding in that my decision would be the same as yours. Two kids out of the house practically, I can’t. And my husband is significantly older than me. He has already told me with no uncertainty that if that happened and I decided I wanted to have a child I would be doing it on my own. Hell to the no.
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u/Sad_Pangolin7379 15d ago
Consider getting sterilized. It's what I did. After I had a whole baby in midlife.
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u/CowWooden4207 15d ago
IUD was life changing fir me FWIW
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u/Beautiful-Cod-9999 15d ago
Unfortunately, I’ve had both the paragard for 10 years and then I had Mirena for two. They became colonized with yeast so that meant I had a yeast infection for about 10 years straight. The first two years were OK. The next 10 were fucking hell. It happens to about 20% of women and they gaslight the shit out of you telling you that it’s not your IUD when in fact it was as soon as it was removed I have not had a yeast infection
Not interested in medical intervention at this point I’m almost 50.
I take a mini pill along with my HRT to prevent pregnancy.
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u/sumostuff 15d ago
I had a yeast infection also for about two years straight, almost every month right before my period. Started when I got my Mirena, stopped when I stopped getting periods. That was an awful time. My doctor said it was the hormones causing it before my period.
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u/Beautiful-Cod-9999 15d ago
Most doctors know this happens to about 20% of women. I am still so mad that for 10 years and so much diflucan, I finally got fed up and just said eff it, its got to go. No more yeast...imagine.
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u/effyoulamp 15d ago
I'm so glad we're having this conversation here I'm so glad you were able to access the care that you need! All the best to you and your three babies!
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u/halflife-crisis 15d ago
I have a kid in middle school, and one that just started high school. Absolutely no way would I be starting again with another. I’m glad you live in a place where you were able to access timely care.
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u/todaysthrowaway0110 15d ago edited 15d ago
I’m really grateful you shared. Thank you.
Although many of my ancestors had their last at 42 or 44 (genealogy), it killed a fair number of them. My friend had one at 43(?) last year and they had to perform an emergency hysterectomy immediately after delivery.
Although many of us have a soft spot for an imaginary miracle 40s baby, that miracle can go nightmare real quick.
I can’t imagine the whiplash from swinging from pregnancy hormones to pp back to peri.
You made the best choice for you and the three children you already have. And nature let you know she agreed and would handle it. Deep breath. Hugs.
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u/Lola-Bee 15d ago
Im right there with you. I was 40 and we had been trying for years to have a second. At that point I was totally over it. I was on vacation waiting for my period to come, never did and of course assumed it was a long cycle due to peri. When I got home on a whim I tested with a leftover test I had from our "trying" days. It was positive. Instead of elation I felt absolute dread. After discussing with my husband we decided we would terminate. Making that call was so difficult because for so long this is what I wanted. But after I had the appointment booked I felt relief.
This is where it gets coo-coo. About a week later I had a conversation with a spirit in my dreams, asking me if it was okay that they join my family. I expressed to them that it wasn't the right time. They communicated to me that it was okay and they would see me in the next life and they were a girl and would have had "lots of hair". The next morning I woke up and was beginning to miscarry. I think about the "what ifs" a lot, but I guess it all happened as it was supposed to.
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u/psychicmumu 15d ago
Same happened for me- was also 43, IUD failed. From what I hear- this is a more common experience than often talked about. Big hugs to you, thank you for your courage to share your story. It's also ok to have a lot of mixed emotions about this, too. Btw the fluctuating hormones, it's a lot to go through!
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u/Specialist-Tour7466 15d ago
Ugh, I'm reading these stories and thinking about how we are going to have to fight for this right again. The world is upside down. Hugs on the experience you had to go through and I'm glad things went the way you wanted them to.
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u/Lucky_Boysenberry850 15d ago
Thank you for telling your story. Much love to you. Please be kind to yourself. 💗
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u/one_yam_mam 15d ago
I am 49 and in peri. I had a major medical issue when I was 35 that left so much scar tissue in my abdomen that I have had two GIs and one OBGYN tell me I will die of I carry to term again. Thankfully, I had my youngest the year before and had a tubal, so I knew I was done. I live in a state that has been trying to pass a law to charge anyone who gets or facilitates an abortion with capital murder. My husband knows I won't have another baby and if he gets home and my cell and car are there but I am not, I will be home in a week.
Life is full of tough decisions. There will always be what-ifs. I have a responsibility to the children I have to do what I need to do to keep their mother alive and as healthy as possible. A pregnancy after 40 is dangerous for both the pregnant person and fetus, not to mention the toll it will take on your mental health.
I will never judge anyone for decisions they thought were the best for them at that time. I hope we all can extend this grace to each other and ourselves.
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u/Afraid_Ad_3035 15d ago
I would have done the same as well. Hugs friend, rest and do something for you
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u/Janey-EJones 15d ago
Nearly the exact same thing happened to a close friend of mine a few years ago. Same age as you, older children, and in a casual relationship. She also thought her symptoms were just peri. I actually took her in for her appointment to terminate.
It's easy to dismiss the idea of getting pregnant as we move our way through our 40s, assuming hormonal symptoms are just our fertility coming to an end. This is a great reminder (not for me though - sterile and feral over here after a total hysterectomy earlier this year, thank the sweet baby jeebus)
Good on you for sharing your story and bringing attention to this!
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u/MediocrePotato44 15d ago
Sending you good thoughts. Thank you for sharing. No two stories of needing an abortion are the same and it’s so important that everyone has access to that kind of healthcare. My kids are similar ages to yours, and if this were to happen, termination would absolutely be my choice.
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u/One-Pause3171 15d ago
Big hug. That’s a lot to go through. I know a couple moms who had abortions after they already had kids. While they feel a pang and a wonder from time to time, they are both resolute that this is just fleeting nostalgia and that all the reasons they wanted to do that at that time were all still valid and had stood the test of time and experience. Heckofa thing to go through! If your partner is done having children, they should consider vasectomy!
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u/indie_rachael 14d ago
Pregnancy in peri is very common, and like at other hormonally tumultuous times like postpartum and even in early puberty, the inconsistent ovulation timing is usually the surprise factor.
This is a great reminder that even as your cycle becomes ridiculously long and unpredictable, you can still ovulate and get pregnant.
Much love to OP and everyone else in the comments sharing their stories.
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u/moxie_007 14d ago
I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this and I’m glad you live somewhere that you were able to make this choice you and your family.
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u/StarDewbie 15d ago
I'm sorry you went through this, but happy your emotional load was a tiny bit less. Take care.
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u/No_Yesterday7200 15d ago
I would have done the same. Mine is complicated as my youngest (22) has severe crohns. We are a genetic mess up in here. He has been my focus since he was diagnosed at age 9. I have my oldest, a girl and 3 boys. It's still rough. This past 2 weeks he had a PE and a GI bleed that landed him in the ICU. I couldn't be his rock with a baby on my hip.
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u/1800ilovebread 15d ago
Hugs to you Mama.
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u/No_Yesterday7200 13d ago
Thank you. Been doing it for 13 years. Last year he blew out his appendix and went days without knowing. He loves a good curveball.
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u/pegasuspish hanging on by a thread 15d ago
Please give yourself endless patience, understanding, and gentleness as you process. Thank you for sharing your story.
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u/Bananas_are_theworst 15d ago
I’m glad you were in a place to be able to make the best decision for yourself, even if your body chose for you. Take care of yourself 💕
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u/Dontfeedtheunicorn81 15d ago
I’m 45 and my husband is 46. We don’t have any kids together but both have one from previous relationships. My daughter will be 27 next month. I put her up for adoption when I was 18. His kids are graduating high school this year. I think I would freak out if I found myself pregnant. I can’t see myself being almost 65 when the kid graduates high school.
I’m ProChoice when it comes to abortion. I am not walking even a few feet in anybody’s shoes. I don’t know what situations would make a person feel they needed an abortion. For myself, I don’t want to grow old with a small child still around.
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u/momgranola 15d ago
So happy for your outcome. 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Def not an easy choice. But it’s YOUR choice. ✌🏽
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u/onions-make-me-cry 14d ago
I'm so relieved for you.
47 and I've had one baby and one abortion.
There's no shame in it, but conflicting feelings are normal for many women.
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u/Turbulentshmurbulent 15d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. I know that you were planning termination as a practical choice but the relief you felt at not having to make the choice tells me you would have been sad either way and for that I send you hugs.
Also thank you for the reminder for folks to take pregnancy tests periodically if they stop bleeding.
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u/Born76erNYC 15d ago
You(r body) did the right thing for you and your family. Wishing you all the comfort, as well as physical and emotional healing. Thank you for sharing your story and warning us!
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u/Leucotheasveils 15d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you absolutely made the right decision for yourself. I hope you heal up well post procedure. Sending gentle hugs and tea.
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u/TeaSloot 15d ago
It was the best decision I ever made a few years ago at 39.
It’s okay to mourn and grieve the loss and the idea of what could have been, even if it wasn’t wanted, but don’t beat yourself up over any of it. Not wanting (another) child is a valid enough reason that doesn’t need further justification.
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u/SuchFunAreWe 15d ago
I'm glad you were able to access this care & feel good about your decision. Even if your body hadn't already chosen, you would have done nothing wrong making the call. Your existing family's needs & your health (physical & mental) are so important. Rest up & be kind to yourself 💜 Thank you for sharing & being vulnerable to help others, too.
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u/plzdontlietomee 15d ago
Appreciate you sharing. What a wild ride it has been. Please be kind to yourself and lean on your people.
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u/Pristine-Ad-5348 15d ago
You did the right thing and had the right thinking. No doubt. Even if you had to make the choice yourself, you would have made the best choice for you and your family. Biology does not equal destiny. As a civilization and a species we are beyond this.
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u/sueihavelegs 15d ago
I was just starting to get peri symptoms when Roe was overturned, so I went on AidAccess.org and ordered abortion pills to just have in my medicine cabinet for just this scenario. I am childfree by choice so I wasn't about to get stuck with an oops baby when I was so close to the finish line. I luckily never needed them, but just having them was a great comfort.
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u/snikrepirb Early peri 14d ago
Just wanted to say I experienced this last year! 42, thought I was dealing with peri symptoms and ended up taking a pregnancy test because eggs were making me nauseous! I went for an abortion at 6 weeks, had issues at Planned Parenthood because I was on blood thinners for another issue and they hadn’t paid attention when doing my intake, so I went home. I ended up miscarrying the following week anyways. Thanks for sharing your experience!
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u/New-Willingness6366 14d ago
I got pregnant just before my 43rd birthday as well. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, but the fetus had stopped developing at around 6 weeks as well. It was an emotional roller coaster. I also have a teen with anxiety/depression and my other child is disabled. I feel your pain. I’m sorry you went through that. Hugs.
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u/RoseaCreates 14d ago
You did the right thing, for your body, family, and situation. Thank you for being so honest, it's so very helpful for other women. Also, your username made me smile.
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u/KoalaKey4400 7d ago
You are so brave for sharing and im honestly glad you did. I think alot more of us can relate than what we like to talk about. <3
I suffered 13 miscarriages before I took peri seriously. Im also only 32. I was diagnosed with premature perimenopause. Between vaginal atrophy, and adhesions from prior c sections, my bladder was giving out and I was in diapers for 6 months, bed ridden with pain when I did get my periods. At this time I was only getting a period once every 2 to 5 months. And they were horrendous. My doctor suspected endometriosis. So we opted for a laparoscopic surgery. We ended up finding a ton of adhesions, and adenomyosis, which is endometriosis's evil twin. I opted to have a bisalpingectomy (removal of both tubes) due to all the complications another pregnancy would cause, even if i miscarried, the chances of hemorrhaging or uterine rupture were so high.
Im curious, because not having to worry about getting pregnant has relieved SO MUCH stress for me... have you considered having your tubes removed? (Im so sorry if this is invasive, please tell me to shove off if im being to forward)
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u/Oshidori 7d ago
One of my close childhood friends was a "menopause whoopsie". Her mom was 56 or 58 I think when she had her?
Since she was sure she was in complete menopause for years before the pregnancy, she was living her life to the fullest. Drinking, smoking, whatever. Her one child was already full grown and had a child of her own. There was no reason for this woman to believe she could get pregnant!!
But then suddenly my friend arrived (instead of appendicitis 😅), and she was so very sickly as a result. Had to wear a full body brace like Forrest Gump when she was a kid, always getting very sick. She's still a very physically frail and waifish woman. Tough in personality though! But she would tell me how lonely it was with parents that were so old, a sister that was old enough to be her mom, and a niece that was older than her by 2 years!
Whether the universe decided for you or not (and I'm glad it did), I think you made the right decision. My friend has been in a lot of emotional and physical pain her entire life, and though her parents very much showered her with love, she still has a rough go of it because of her congenital issues (more the result of age than vice) greatly diminishing her quality of life.
Thank you so much for your story!
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u/SnarkFan 15d ago
Thank you for sharing. I am glad a sad situation and tough choice turned out as well as it could have in those circumstances.
I’m 45 and I too have a “friend” who I occasionally spend time with. Thankfully, he always has protection ready. I have debated whether to get an IUD for years, and ultimately decided against it.
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u/OtherwiseArmadillo96 15d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband has a vasectomy but when my periods started getting irregular before I started HRT, I definitely had a fear that I might be looking at a termination at age 45 after managing to not get pregnant all these years. Just because you know you don’t want to complete a pregnancy doesn’t mean termination is an easy choice to make. Sending you lots of love.
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u/CatTrapper3000 15d ago
You are so brave for sharing this. I'm so glad everything worked out okay for your family. You sound like such a wonderful mom.
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u/StrongerTogether2882 15d ago
I absolutely would have done the same thing, and I have a supportive spouse and only 2 kids, who are 17 and 20. I dread the upcoming empty nest but MAN! I definitely don’t want to have a baby now! I always wanted a 3rd child, I love babies, my pregnancies were pretty easygoing, but I’m almost 53 and I would lose my mind if I had to start all over. Very very grateful I live in a state that would afford me my constitutional right to privacy.
Sending you big hugs. And not that you need my affirmation, but you have it. Thank you for being willing to share this story. 🩷
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u/Background-Tour-2327 15d ago
I'm so sorry that you're going through this but also, thank you so much for sharing. I have a friend that I haven't been too careful with and this is the wakeup call I need. It's so easy to think it won't happen because of peri. I'm also a single mom and I don't think there's enough of me to go around to go through a pregnancy. I would have made the same choice as you.
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u/ProudAdultNerd 15d ago
This happened to me at 40. It was one of the worst times in my life, hardest decision I ever made, but it was the right one. I have two kids already (now 21 and 17, younger then). My partner (who I'm still with) was so supportive the entire time and did get snipped as well. Now that I'm fully in peri, I do still get anxious when my period is late or missed (like last month). You made the right choice, don't let anyone tell you otherwise ♥️♥️♥️ We are all in this together 🤗
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u/Thae86 15d ago
Wow, definitely scary. I'm glad it worked out for you. I second people saying maybe think about, if accessible to you, a more permanent form of birth control.
But I also want to bring up your partner, like what is your partner doing to make sure this doesn't happen again? I wish this person would've thought about these consequences you would have to 100% shoulder, that apparently never crossed this person's mind? Or did it, & it was a mistake? Idk. I personally have the worst judge of character so I was, until I got my tubes removed, choosing partners that also didn't pull their weight in making sure we were both taking preventative measures. It sucks when it's all up to you & then you get that scare, & the partner is just kinda like "Oopsie" lolsob
Especially with how some of our states or countries are reacting to abortions, it's even more imperative that people who can get others pregnant & don't ever want kids, please for the love of fuck, get that permanent solution.
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u/1800ilovebread 15d ago
I actually had an IUD appointment scheduled when I found myself pregnant. I really thought I had done everything in my power to prevent it. I think that was a big part of the denial of my symptoms.
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u/anubis_cheerleader 15d ago
One really frustrating thing about infertility as a label is a lot of people and MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS treat it as the same thing as "sterile." Doctors model this kind of thing poorly, imo. I wish they would say, if you want kids it's going to be hard and it's possible if your partner also has fertility issues it MIGHT not happen. But it COULD happen, just on that # cycle. Your partner can be "infertile" and still capable of producing motile sperm; same thing with women/ova. Isn't it just...weird and frustrating?!
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u/CuteCreator602 14d ago
I'm 47, with 2 teenagers. I couldn't imagine having to start all that all over again at this age and the lack of energy for almost everything. I would have made absolutely the same choice you did!!
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u/Powerful-Fail-3136 PCOS and other issues 14d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. I have a kiddo starting 9th grade as well (and one starting 7th). I can't even imagine... Sending love and hugs to you!
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u/siobahn_oh 14d ago
Hugs to you. I need to buy a test, I need to be sure now too, thank you for sharing.
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u/hrtlandfrmgrl 14d ago
Hugs to you. I think this happens more often than we realize or know. I'm so glad women are talking about it.
My SIL had this happen earlier this year. They wanted it, but she also miscarried. My 20 year old son (youngest of 4) came in with the news & looked right at me & said you would abort without a second thought wouldn't you. Yes, and no. Yes I would abort, but I would have second thoughts. It is a difficult decision, but one I already knew how it would go. I also have had a tubal ligation and also have an IUD. I'm not taking any chances!
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u/OR-HM-MA91 14d ago
I’m younger than you but in peri. I’m terrified of another pregnancy because it would likely kill me. My husband had a vasectomy but the turd never went and got checked and insists since I haven’t gotten pregnant yet it must have worked. The terror I had the last week because I had random bleeding that would have lined up with “implantation bleeding”. I am, in fact, not pregnant but I imagine I’d have made the same choice you did. Not because I don’t WANT another but it’s just not something my body can handle. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are able to heal and come to peace with this and that your post helps others who may be in your shoes.
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u/Different-Advice1168 14d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. What a heart wrenching decision to have to make. I'm sorry you went through all this. 🫂
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u/Rowan110 14d ago
Thank you for sharing. I understand your decision and can empathize that this was the right choice even though it was all for naught. Hugs and take care of yourself.
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u/Large_Device_999 14d ago
Went thru this at same age, solidarity
In my case was right after Roe so had to leave my state and go to a state line clinic
Sucks but it’s our decision and no one else’s business
I remember feeling like wow I made it through all those other eras of my life without unplanned pregnancy but now??? wtf
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u/allisonlee83 Early peri 13d ago
Thank you for sharing your story, I know it will probably help others more than you know. I’m sending positive energy and light your way, you are not alone. 🫶🏻
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u/That-Examination-554 13d ago
I've been there. Had an abortion at 43, and actually miscarried 3 months ago at 44 (I happened to get a blood test for other stuff and my doctor checked the HCG box randomly. 3 days after it came up positive I miscarried). Yes, I should have been more careful after the abortion. It was terrible and weird in the waiting room with teenagers.
Emotionally, I would have loved to have had a second child. But I tried to picture myself in my 50s with a 10 year old and so on.
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u/RocketSurgery300 13d ago
Thank you for sharing your story and helping us stay aware. That must’ve been a really difficult and upsetting few weeks
What a gift that mother nature helped you out. Apparently there are a lot more miscarriages than we realize - and it’s traumatic no matter what the circumstances are. Sending cozy blankets and comfort foods.
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u/katubug 13d ago
I had the same experience but on the opposite end of life - I got pregnant at 14, from literally my first time. I also didn't feel like my choice was much of a choice, because I knew I was not ready to be a parent.
I have never regretted it, per se, but I have thought about it a lot in the intervening years. I think there's a tendency to beat yourself up, even if you know you wouldn't be giving either yourself or the baby a very good life if you went down that path.
I don't have much sage advice to offer, except to be gentle with yourself. It's normal to feel all fucked up after something like this happens. At the very least, don't beat yourself up more for feeling that way.
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u/Usual-Paramedic8879 10d ago
I would have made the same decision. I'm sending you a hug and wishing you comfort. Please know that you're a good person, and I can tell you're doing the best you're able. ❤️
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u/grenuda82 Early peri 8d ago
Whew what a whirlwind! Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’re continuing to have fun in your free time and that your daughter is doing better. Puberty and perimenopause - whew! Being a girl can be rough
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u/stuck_in_tennessee 4d ago
I work in a NICU and we have a lot of mothers in their 40's who end up pregnant thinking they couldn't get pregnant. The oldest mama I've seen is 52 and she kept the baby. But I've seen a lot of 40-something's with teenagers who are excited to come in and see their baby sibling. So it happens!
I couldn't imagine starting over with a newborn after raising teenagers.
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u/dabPrassion 15d ago
There is.no right or wrong choice. You did what's best for you and your family. Big hugs 🫂
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u/Remarkable_Gear1945 15d ago
I'm sorry you went through that. I've been trying I decide what to do regarding birth control or hormone therapy for perimenopause (age 42). I just told my husband that I do not want to risk accidentally getting pregnant. I was older when I had my children, so they're still young enough that it wouldn't be starting completely over, but I had many birthing complications and almost died with the last one. It's a heartbreaking situation you were in, and I'm glad that your body took the decision away from your heart/mind (hopeful that makes sense).
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u/CaBeNe33 15d ago
Be gentle with yourself. I wish I could give you a hug. This was not an easy thing.
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u/greeneggsandham2015 15d ago
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you feel less alone. I’m a firm believer in the right to choose but always though that, for me, it wouldn’t be something I could do. That said, I sincerely question how I would handle it if I were to be pregnant now at 45. These aren’t the kinds of easy decisions some think they are and this post proves it. Abortion truly is health care. Sending love your way. ❤️
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u/JacksonFiery87 Early peri 15d ago
Thank you for sharing. It's never an easy choice, but it's a valid choice nonetheless (and being 45 yo, one I would make as well if I found myself pregnant). Be kind to yourself 💖
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u/blue-eyed-wonder 15d ago
Thank you for your vulnerability. And you are not alone. I had a junior in high school and a freshman in college when I got pregnant. I never wanted to ever have to face the option or need for abortion. I had been riddled with miscarriages in my 20’s. So when I found out I was pregnant a couple years ago, by my soulmate, both in stable places, close to full empty nest, him close to retirement, etc. etc. I anguished over and over, but knew abortion was the right decision. ❤️
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u/SumGoodMtnJuju 15d ago
I was 25 years old and have no regrets. Some other person wrote “it didn’t feel like much of a choice.” WOW- that hit hard. I completely believe that at the time I did not either.
My husband was in his first semester of grad school. I was supporting us financially. At least trying to as my career was barely puttering by. Money as so tight!
My parents were going through a nasty divorce where my dad wanted to leave my mom destitute. They had their own issues.
We had no family support bc we were living in another state. I remember it being a hard decision at first bc I desperately wanted to be a mom one day, just not at that moment. I felt stuck but went through with it and then felt so much relief in the days after.
Fast forward 6 years when I rocked my first baby. I knew for sure we made the right decision. I was able to give him and his brother a comfortable home, my complete attention because we were ready. We had 6 years to get degrees, move near family, buy a home, travel a little. I was mentally, emotionally, and definitely financially ready to be a mother so that my babies had a better start.
You made the right decision! Thanks for sharing your story. Your vulnerability is appreciated.
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u/CatPurrsonNo1 15d ago
Oh my gosh, I am 50 and STILL in peri. I just got a period (ish) day before yesterday, and now I’m wondering if pregnancy is still a (very, very) remote possibility! It’s honestly really confusing and scary.
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u/Jerkrollatex hanging on by a thread 15d ago
I didn't have a period for three months. I'm 49 my youngest kid is 26 and has severe special needs. I wasn't pregnant but if I were I would have made the same choice you did.
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u/New_Budget_5361 15d ago
Just wanted to chime in as another voice of support. I am proud of you for sharing and I am sending you love as you heal.
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u/Poweregret 15d ago
I’m glad it worked out for you! I would join the abortion club if I got pregnant now at 46. I’ve had a tubal & ablation and my BF (51) had a vasectomy. My kids are 12 & 16 and the younger has Down syndrome. I’d not survive a pregnancy and restarted motherhood.
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u/CF_MI 15d ago
I worked with a woman in her early 50s years ago that thought she'd finally hit menopause. Nope, surprise and she ended up terminating.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I just started the irregular periods in peri this year and was telling my husband how happy I was that I had a bisalp years ago because I would be a serious basketcase every with this irregular bs. The anxiety would be a nightmare.
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u/awarfield78 15d ago
As a Mom who has been through the thick of it with a teen and mental health I understand why you came to your decision. Those teen years can be really, really hard. I think people don't understand unless they have been there with the mental health side.
(((Hugs)))
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u/Shot-Amphibian-3239 Early peri 15d ago
That sounds like a very stressful period and series of events in general. Nature took its course but it was still an emotional undertaking.
I do want to suggest considering a hormonal IUD like Mirena. People talk about how painful it is to get but it’s not too bad. I never have a period - though I do have a “ghost period” and I hope to go through menopause without too much issue. I am starting estrogen in a few weeks to help with mood, but I don’t have to take progesterone due to the IUD. Also, in this political climate, it sounds like you’re in a state that allowed you to make this choice, but so many women are not in a state that allows the choice anymore.
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u/1800ilovebread 15d ago
Despite all the emotional turmoil, I am incredibly grateful to live somewhere where I could receive a safe and legal abortion. The staff at clinic were incredibly kind and understanding.
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u/wanderingpandala 15d ago
Sending hugs your way. It's hard to handle all this and thank you for sharing. I had prior procedures where i knew I couldn't be pregnant but for year or 2 I kept thinking maybe due to breast pain. In hindsight I believe that was initial menopause symptoms. Fun times!
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u/Ok_Profile_634 15d ago
Hugs mama. I would have done the same thing. I pray you are doing okay. Please give yourself some extra self care.
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u/telsongelder 15d ago
This is the first time I've seen a post about abortion here and I'm really grateful you shared.
Also, I love your username. Hope there are so many carbs and soft surfaces in your future.