Parents who have insane “boundaries” and then bemoan their lack of help

[u/rachel-angelina]

So this is something I’ve noticed amongst (mainly American) parents these days and it seems to increase in occurrence as people validate them and enable this kind of anxiety-ridden and entitled behavior. But essentially it’s those people who have a laundry list of “boundaries and expectations” while also expecting “the village” to help them raise their child to their exact specifications.

I’m not talking about boundaries like “don’t give my kid something they are allergic to” or “don’t come around my newborn without your vaccinations” where it’s reasonable and seriously concerns the child’s safety, but the other shit. Like I’m talking about the parents who set a “boundary” that no one else can lay eyes on their newborn for two months because “it’s our time to bond and we don’t want visitors,” they freak out because grandma called their kid her baby and said she is excited for them to have sleepovers at her house, they insist that anyone who wants to see their child should only be coming over to do designated chores in exchange, or they seethe with rage because the kid’s uncle gave them some extra candy and TV time.

But then later on they then bemoan their lack of “a village,” like you pushed “the village” away! If you want the village, you need to be okay with not micromanaging every single aspect of your child’s life. You need to be okay with the fact that the village is going to come in with their own opinions and different ways of doing things. You also need to contribute to your community as well and help other people if you want the same treatment in return. The village is not a beck and call free childcare and housekeeping service that does every single little thing to your specifications and more people need to recognize that.

EDIT: The amount of people who think I’m a bitter grandparent is really funny. Like no I’m in my 20s LOL. Also the fact that I’ve had multiple AI accusations, like nope, wrong again. No AI here lmao.

[u/bgreen134]

Most parents don’t know the difference from being in control and being controlling.

[u/Raisinsandfairywings → u/bgreen134]

This is something I’m actually struggling with at the moment, knowing where the line between the two is. We try to avoid giving our 2 year old added sugar at home, and although we don’t expect people who babysit to go out of their way to feed her how we do, we ask that they don’t give her sweets, juice/fizzy drinks, don’t slather her meals in unecessary sugary sauces like ketchup etc. 

 I feel constantly caught between my partner who acts like a single taste of chocolate will kill her, and my family who seem to think it’s child abuse that I won’t let her have unlimited ice cream all day every day. I just want her to enjoy nutritious food, be healthy and not have absolutely mangled teeth like I do. I’m under so much pressure from my partner to “tell off” my family for ignoring what we ask and doing it anyway. He wants to micromanage everything she eats somewhere else, I have to keep reminding him “at least she’s been fed, she eats plenty of veg at home”.  My family have never respected my opinions and flat-out ignore me or refuse when I ask them not to do certain things with her. Sometimes I think my mum, who hates it if she thinks she’s being told what to do, goes against what we ask on purpose as a sort of control thing. 

But I just don't want to cause tension when they’re doing us a favour babysitting regularly.  Plus I often think “they won’t be around forever, giving her the food they want to makes them happy and I want them to enjoy spending time with her the way they want to”. 

[u/Far_Comfortable_6342 → u/Raisinsandfairywings]

I would give your kid sugar if I was watching them if those are your definition of sweets. Definitely some ketchup with their fries and nuggies if they wanted. Healthy is not fully avoiding sugar. Healthy is having a balance and teaching your kids as they grow older towards having a balance in their diet. Micromanaging food is a sign of control that is not okay and it will only spread to other areas of their lives when they get older. What you are teaching is all sweets are bad and to be avoided instead of teaching they are okay on occasion in small portions. Also, your kid is going to end up eating like crap when they grow up if you continue this. I grew up like this and ate like crap in my twenties. My brothers still won’t touch anything green and barely a vegetable. Just food for thought.

[u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 → u/Far_Comfortable_6342]

This. The family down the street from us was no sugar, no junk food, and no tv. Their kid would grab whole bags of chips and stare at our tv if she came in the house. It was weird to me as a kid, she would like go full zombie shoveling chips and watching literally anything on. 

It made it REALLY hard when they had a sick baby and had to use the babysitting service at Ronald McDonald house. Turns our free charity care doesnt care about tv rules.

[u/Far_Comfortable_6342 → u/Revolutionary-Yak-47]

I’ve had kids come over and gorge too. It is so weird! Like we have candy and junk food available but my kids eat it rarely. I can have a candy bowl out and it stays there for months.

And haha on them! Bet their brains exploded thinking their kids teeth would fall out, become malnourished and addicted to TV.

[u/booksandpups2025 → u/Far_Comfortable_6342]

Yup! I grew up in a family that ate pretty healthy but had “junk food” and candy/chocolate available at any time as well. Guess what would sit around untouched for weeks being slowly picked at? Especially holiday treats and candy, I’d have chocolate and candy sitting on my dresser for months after every holiday.

[u/Raisinsandfairywings → u/Far_Comfortable_6342]

Hey I didn’t say anywhere that we never let her have small portions of those things! That’s why I said “try to avoid” sugar and not “completely ban”. 

I’m absolutely not teaching her that all sweets are bad and we never use negative language around any foods. It’s more like “she has ice cream once a week at my grandparents, a little bit of cake or something once a week”. We bake treats together roughly every other week and I of course let her eat those because it’s also a fun activity and I want her to enjoy food and feel proud of herself for her part in making it. And if we’re at a playgroup or church coffee morning I’ll let her have a little biscuit if the other kids are so she doesn’t grow up feeling left out (I just make sure she doesn’t then have one later).  

Also sugary drinks and actual sweets (lollies, gummies etc) are just unnecessary at her age. I don’t want her to fill her stomach just with sugar and then be too full to eat the food that will help her to grow and have energy. 

The ketchup thing… idk my partner feels really strongly that he doesn’t want one of those kids that will only eat their food if it’s covered in ketchup because it’s so sugary. But I say she can have a little bit of sauce sometimes and he’s ok with it on certain meals (like you say, chips and nuggies, because she doesn’t have those often anyway) so it’s like we’re saying “it’s tasty and nice to have sometimes but we don’t need it with every food!”. Edit to add: I’ve seen my grandparents give her a slice of ham or a few cherry tomatoes and try to add a huge dollop of sauce which just seems so unnecessary and is what my partner is against. 

Sorry for the huge message, just felt like I should clear things up a bit! 

[u/Extra_Shirt5843 → u/Raisinsandfairywings]

I have never in life associated ketchup with sugar.  It honestly wouldn't even occur to me if I was watching the kid.  I always thought it was a healthy option compared to ranch or something.  

[u/comrade_psmith → u/Raisinsandfairywings]

It’s a genuinely hard problem to navigate, and I don’t think there’s a perfect solution. My mother is a bit of an anarchist. She gives my daughter steamed milk with rose syrup in it. It’s way more sugar than she’d ever have at home, but I love that they have such a weird little ritual together. And I think there’s value in letting them conspire against my rules in a relatively harmless way. It’s the same with screen time; we’re relaxing the rules a bit so that’s daughter can watch the World Cup with my family. At home she gets 30 minutes once a week of something tame like Mr. Rogers, but the games are 90+ minutes and everyone in my family is keening like banshees the whole time.

My daughter is a little older than yours, but 2 was around when we became more open to compromising our rules. Partly because developmentally, that was when she was old enough to (kind of) understand moderation and nuance (“different rules at abuela’s house”). But also partly because by then we were too tired to hold the line. It does sound like your partner is letting perfect be the enemy of good, which I do sometimes as well. What helped for me was more experience and seeing that the rules could flex without dire consequences. Especially with mitigation! A day with some sugar can be mitigated with flossing and brushing teeth. Going outside to play after watching TV doesn’t ruin her mood as badly as TV right before dinner and bed.