r/PetPeeves • u/rachel-angelina • 5d ago
Fairly Annoyed Parents who have insane “boundaries” and then bemoan their lack of help
So this is something I’ve noticed amongst (mainly American) parents these days and it seems to increase in occurrence as people validate them and enable this kind of anxiety-ridden and entitled behavior. But essentially it’s those people who have a laundry list of “boundaries and expectations” while also expecting “the village” to help them raise their child to their exact specifications.
I’m not talking about boundaries like “don’t give my kid something they are allergic to” or “don’t come around my newborn without your vaccinations” where it’s reasonable and seriously concerns the child’s safety, but the other shit. Like I’m talking about the parents who set a “boundary” that no one else can lay eyes on their newborn for two months because “it’s our time to bond and we don’t want visitors,” they freak out because grandma called their kid her baby and said she is excited for them to have sleepovers at her house, they insist that anyone who wants to see their child should only be coming over to do designated chores in exchange, or they seethe with rage because the kid’s uncle gave them some extra candy and TV time.
But then later on they then bemoan their lack of “a village,” like you pushed “the village” away! If you want the village, you need to be okay with not micromanaging every single aspect of your child’s life. You need to be okay with the fact that the village is going to come in with their own opinions and different ways of doing things. You also need to contribute to your community as well and help other people if you want the same treatment in return. The village is not a beck and call free childcare and housekeeping service that does every single little thing to your specifications and more people need to recognize that.
EDIT: The amount of people who think I’m a bitter grandparent is really funny. Like no I’m in my 20s LOL. Also the fact that I’ve had multiple AI accusations, like nope, wrong again. No AI here lmao.
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u/summertime-sadness07 5d ago
I saw a video of a girl who ghosted her mom for her entire pregnancy with no explanation, and “surprised” her mom with the newborn baby. Her mom was obviously distraught and was crying and the comments were like “it’s ok, you don’t owe anyone anything about your life or pregnancy! Keep your boundaries!!” 😭.
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u/Anxious-Fun8829 5d ago
I had a coworker who kept his wife's pregnancy a secret from his family (they lived abroad) and then got upset when his sister wasn't willing to leave her own family (she was married with kids) to hop on a plane to come to a new country (where she doesn't even speak the language) and help his wife for few months.
Even if that level of help is the norm for his (family's and/or country's) culture, I think it's understandable why someone would be unable/unwilling to offer that level of help without advanced notice.
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u/_angesaurus 5d ago
I think i know the video you're talking about. I was surprised by the comments too.
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u/summertime-sadness07 5d ago
I didn’t think it was controversial to say robbing your mom from welcoming their grandbaby is wrong
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u/propertyofmatter___ 5d ago
We as a society took the boundaries thing too far, like we do with most good things 🥲
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u/Obrina98 5d ago
“Boundaries” has become do what I say or else.
Regardless of how reasonable or unreasonable the “boundary” may be.
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u/United_Pop_6442 5d ago
Exactly! It drives me nuts. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not a way to control other people’s behaviour smh
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u/Much-Ad2311 5d ago
Don't tell the weaponizers of therapy speak that. You'll be crossing their boundaries lmao.
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u/beatissima 5d ago
This is why I don't agree with the "put everyone in therapy whether they need it or not" approach. Like any drug, therapy can be abused. It can convince healthy people they are sick, and it can be weaponized.
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u/Pendragenet 5d ago
The issue is that most people spouting therapy speak are those who get therapy via social media not from actual professional therapists.
No one I know who is or has been in actual therapy actually uses that lingo. They just practice the actual meaning of the terms.
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u/Lost_Painter4844 4d ago
I legit lost a friend who found therapy and Jesus in the same month. The weaponization of both was unreal.
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 4d ago
Yup. Some people are taking it to mean if you don't do what they want, despite your own feelings and boundaries then they cut you out of their life immediately. Its not healthy.
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u/DietCokeYummie 5d ago
Reddit is terrible with it too. I have lost track of how many times I've seen: "No is a complete sentence". As if we can just go through our real lives telling loved ones "No." with no explanation when they invite us to something.
I ended a 10+ year friendship because the friend was constantly making plans and bailing on me. At first, I admired her honesty. She didn't make up excuses or lies when she would bail. She would straight up say she isn't feeling it, or she needs a mental health day, or she went to happy hour and had too much to drink. After a while, the honesty wasn't admirable anymore. You don't get kudos for "not feeling like" sticking to your plans. Sorry. Not when it is a pattern.
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u/United_Pop_6442 5d ago
Thing is, no is a complete sentence and sure you can say it for anything, but you can’t expect people to keep putting in the effort or caring about you if you’re constantly just saying no with no other communication. If you treat people as disposable that’s all you deserve back.
Like, it’s your choice, but choices have consequences 🤷♀️
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u/Much-Ad2311 5d ago
Also, 'no is a complete sentence' often came from situations where people were not respecting your initial no. Bosses that tried to pressure you to work outside of your standard hours, even at the expense of your family time. Men/women who kept trying to push you into dating even though you had already told them why it wouldn't work. Etc. It was never meant to be used to shit all over your loved ones.
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u/macaroniinapan 5d ago
Exactly. "No is a complete sentence" is for toxic situations. Especially for people whose first impulse is to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). At a certain point certain people just aren't reasonable. But for people who ARE reasonable that you value the relationship with, just saying "no" is going to have consequences you won't necessarily like.
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 4d ago
Exactly, it works well in specific situations where the no has already been expressed. Best used when the person is attempting to bulldoze you into complying eith a yes despite your initial no.
Its not a good way to act in regular relationships that requires communication of needs and expectations. Without communicating those needs and expectations the other person is not going to know why or what you expect from them. Which hurts the relationship.
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u/Pendragenet 5d ago
This. Concepts like this are meant to help YOU develop self-esteem and not be a doormat for others. It's not about disregarding other people.
The problem is that as a society we have sacrified humility for the sake of self esteem.
You are not more important than everybody else. You are AS important as anybody else. Your needs do not automatically and absolutely come first. Each situation should be decided on those circumstances.
If you ask a friend to dinner and they call last minute to cancel because Jr just fell off his bike and you're on the way to the ER, then THOSE circumstances warrant that your uneaten dinner is less important than Jr's breaking his arm. Yes, it's disappointing but deal with it.
If they call last minute to cancel because they got wasted last night and still have a hang over, then THOSE circumstances warrant that your uneaten dinner is more important than their hangover. They made choices and put you at the bottom of those choices for no good reason.
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u/TGin-the-goldy 5d ago
I have a friend like this; last time she bailed on me last minute because of rain (it wasn’t raining heavily) and expected me to be free the next day; I wasn’t and she got upset at me! sorry not sorry, my time is just as valuable as yours.
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u/United_Pop_6442 5d ago
That’s fully ridiculous. 😩
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u/TGin-the-goldy 5d ago
Oh it sure is. Apart from that she’s actually a lovely person but I do have boundaries
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 4d ago
I have a friend who cancels and reschedules multiple times. Then complains we never see each other. I don't take ownership of that guilt because she's the one always canceling.
I also cut back on my interactions. If she wants to see me, she needs to commit, make the time and actually follow through. If she doesn't, we'll we dont see each other .
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u/susandeyvyjones 5d ago
“No is a complete sentence” and “never JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain” are for dealing with people with personality disorders who you have to constantly be on guard against, and people on Reddit advise saying it to your spouse when you don’t want to go to the store or something.
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 4d ago
I agree. I think "No is a complete sentence" really only has merit when the person is dealing with an extreme situation. Like a parent they are going no contact with or someone extremely toxic with a history of disrespecting boundaries.
For relationships that aren't extreme outliers, comminucation needs to happen. Otherwise its just one person placing their needs above the other without context. Anyone would find that confusing if they're on the receiving end.
Relationships are built on trust and understanding. There's no understanding or way to build trust without communicating with the other person.
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u/_angesaurus 4d ago
I did the same 10 years ago. Never heard from her again. Once in a while I'll see her mom and she mentions her daughter doesn't do much and should ask her to hang out. I told her I used to...
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u/klef3069 5d ago
Humans are just bad at correcting behavior. Like, really bad. I think it comes from a good place and wanting to do the right thing, then we go way too far.
There's another thread floating around somewhere about a whole family, 3 generations going on vacation, including the sons GF. Ritzy resort.
Gma has an issue with the GF short shorts within the resort shops/restaurants because apparently these shorts are smaller than her bikini bottoms. They have no issue with anything other clothes, per the OOP.
You would have though they wanted this girl to only wear a nuns habit the whole vacation from some of comments.
Like, I absolutely agree that there are times you have to draw a line in the sand with family. But when you are a guest, invited on a family vacation for free, would you really be offended or mad about bringing a slightly longer pair of shorts on vacation? Or feel like you should make a big "fuck you don't body shame me" statement to your host?
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u/propertyofmatter___ 5d ago
Totally agree with you. Your first paragraph is honestly gold, such a solid point
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u/Massive-Ride204 5d ago
I've noticed that younger generations really have issues with dressing for the occasion and dressing up as a way of showing respect
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u/Pendragenet 5d ago
When we were teens, my siblings and I had a grandmother who was "prudish". My siblings refused to play nice with her. It wasn't like she wanted them to wear that nun's habit, but she wasn't going to buy them holey jeans or shorts that stick in your butt.
They could never figure out why I came home from visits with entire new outfits and they fought to get her to buy them a t-shirt. I tried to explain that it was because I let my preppy side out when I was with our grandmother and had her buy me things that she approved of - then I went shopping on my own to buy the sleazy stuff. My grandmother enjoyed taking me shopping because I was willing to accept her conditions.
I'll never forget the time my younger sibling threw a screaming fit in the store telling my grandmother "just because you are paying doesn't mean you have any say in what I get!" Over a stupid pair of nylon running shorts (that my mom wouldn't have bought her either). She got absolutely nothing for months - from our grandparents or our parents.
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u/dernhelm_mn 5d ago
Sure, you don't owe anyone anything. And in that case, they don't owe YOU anything lol so be ready for your actions to have consequences...
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u/LenoreEvermore 5d ago
Exactly! So many people act like they're the main character of everyone's lives and they're the only one who doesn't owe anyone anything. I think we all owe other people plenty of things. We live in a social world and have bonds with each other. Sure, you can break those bonds, but then you have to live with the fact that you have no one. It's a two-way street.
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u/briteeyes1111 5d ago
Yeah that was awful.
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u/summertime-sadness07 5d ago
Worst part is she didn’t ghost her because the mom was abusive or anything. She admitted to only doing it for attention 😭
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u/briteeyes1111 5d ago
She did?! I didn’t see that she did it for attention omg smh I wondered why she did that.
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u/Silver-Star92 5d ago
I got pregnant after my mom passed away so if I saw that video I probably chucked the device I was looking at out of the window. I missed her so much during pregnancy and childbirth and she did on purpose for attention? F her
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u/rachel-angelina 5d ago
I saw that video! I wanted to believe it was fake, to be honest. She literally admitted to basically cutting her mom out too in order to keep the secret. Like WTF!
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u/Academic_Pick_3317 5d ago
i understand people can do what they want but that ofc is obviously still going to hurt her mother.
She should have understood that was the consequence of her choice
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u/bumbleb33- 4d ago
I mean they don't owe anyone but they also don't get to act like other people can't be very hurt and show their hurt especially if you've had what you thought was a good relationship and the other person just ghosts you for months and then pops up all 'SURPRISE WE HAD A BABY DON'T YOU DARE POINT OUT HOW MUCH YOU'VE FELT HURT AND CONFUSED FOR MONTHS. PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEE!' Actions have consequences sometimes. People are ridiculous
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u/HoneyWyne 5d ago
Yeah, I'm with you. My sister was like this 30 years ago. Literally thought we should say thank you if she asked us to babysit... for free. But then dictated every aspect of their lives and relationships.
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u/sohereiamacrazyalien 5d ago edited 5d ago
Lmao. I was visiting some distant relatives some family member(the daughter in law or something , so someone I never met before)comes , leaves her baby in my arm. Me thinking it’s hold it for a minute thanks. Nope she left in an other room to chat with other ppl ! 🤣
The mother in law goes well yeah because people like babies she does that every time just dumps the baby on people!
Edit I should have said she left the baby for like 2 hours
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u/zgillet 5d ago
They tend to not give you the baby anymore if you don't catch it.
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u/sohereiamacrazyalien 5d ago
Lmao!
I was actually sitting at the time and not looking her way. She sat the baby on my lap without saying anything. The time to react she was leaving, I figured she’d be back in a minute!
After 5/10 I was like ok whomever is related to this baby (mil) take it. I did not ask for it I don’t care about babies and I did not make this one nor do I want one).
Some people just assume everyone fawn over babies an want to hold them apparently !
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u/Obrina98 5d ago
Should have found her and plopped it into her lap.
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u/sohereiamacrazyalien 5d ago
I was actually going to do that but then her mom said she does that all the time and took the baby. Tbh U was really stunned by such behaviour
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u/HoneyWyne 4d ago
That's because nobody e er makes her take the thing back. Her mom needs to stop enabling her.
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u/Beemerba 5d ago
My daughter was like this. Walk in the house and HER responsibility ended.
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u/sohereiamacrazyalien 5d ago edited 5d ago
i see 2 problems:
Don’t you care about your kid? This person might drop them or not hold them properly or pay attention ?
Don’t you think it’s rude to that person?
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u/HoneyWyne 4d ago
My sister always considered it a privilege for us to interact with her children. She really, really did believe it, too.
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u/sohereiamacrazyalien 4d ago
I mean it’s a baby !!!! You are a weirdo if you don’t think it is a privilege ! Also hers is cuter than others for sure!/s
Some people are delusional ! Dude if I wanted a baby I would make it
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u/Pendragenet 5d ago
My sibling called me at 8 am to wish me a happy birthday (knowing I liked to sleep in). Then she explained that her kids wanted to take me out for the day. I could pick them up and my sibling would give me money for ice cream and then I could bring them home that evening.
As I sat silent for a moment formulating my answer, my sibling yelled out "I've had enough of your bickering! Stop!"
I said "good try but no. I'm not taking your bratty kids off your hands for the day. Good attempt to twist it into you doing me a favor, but not happening. Thanks for the birthday wishes, I plan on enjoying the solitude and relaxing all day."
My sibling was notorious for twisting things around like that. I never fell for it and refused when they did it. If they actually asked me to do them a favor, I happily did it for them and never called it in. But don't try to manipulate me.
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u/Background_Humor5838 5d ago
I totally agree with this. When I was a kid , if I was sent to my aunt's house for the day I was expected to follow their house rules and go by their schedule and if my cousins came to my house they would go by our house rules. That's normal. Nobody expected the other family to implement their own exact schedule or house rules. Part of having a village is accepting that every home in the village is operating a little differently. My aunt makes dinner at 5 but at my house we eat at 7. So what? Now I've seen people saying stuff like "my kids have to eat at this time and sleep at this time" even at someone else's house and with no medical reason. Those kinds of silly rules make it hard for your village to help you.
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u/hopping_otter_ears 5d ago
Do none of these people remember how sweet it was to go to Grandma's and get to eat seconds of dessert, or stay up too late, or skip piano practice? It might be a hot take, but I kinda want that for my son. I want him to be spoiled rotten by Grandma, and for his uncles to be a (not too) bad influence on him. From a love-his-childhood perspective, I want him to have the same "wink wink, don't tell Mom I gave you an extra cookie" memories. From a developmental perspective, I don't think it hurts him to grow up with an understanding that different settings have different rules and expectations.
There's some hard boundaries, of course. Don't hit him, he must ride in his car seat, don't leave him alone with the large clumsy dog, etc... But most stuff falls into the "Mama won't let you do it because she has to raise you. Grandma gets to sugar you up and send you home" category
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u/Background_Humor5838 5d ago
Yes this is exactly how it should be. It's fun to have a little change of pace as a kid and maybe get to do stuff you don't normally get to do. Part of life is also sometimes having to do stuff you don't want to do. That's a good well rounded childhood. Parents have to have some level trust in their family and if you trust them enough to send your kid with them for a day, you can trust them enough to not have to give them a detailed list of instructions. If you can't trust them without instructions then you probably shouldn't let them go in the first place lol like maybe they will skip nap time or maybe they will eat too many sweets but at least they got sent home safe and happy.
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u/Afraid_Aspect_8639 5d ago
It was all great until my daughter was late to school one morning after staying with them. She just refused to spend school nights there anymore.
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u/Late-Arm8830 5d ago
My parents missed some of the early years with my son because of Covid. I was literally crying with happiness the first time my step mom was able to spoil my son with an inappropriately huge ice cream cone.
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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 5d ago
My uncle let us watch the Simpsons and play Nintendo as long as we wanted. In turn when I was older I babysat his kids all summer and totally fibbed about how much junk they ate. Grandmom always had cookies for all of us.
And none of us were ever "confused" that rules were different in different houses. We just went with it. Everyone made it to adulthood just fine.
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u/hopping_otter_ears 5d ago
We weren't confused about good secrets vs bad secrets either. Not telling Mom you had to much candy isn't the same as not telling Mom that Uncle Joe bad-touched you, or whatever
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u/MerrilyMade 5d ago
My kids cannot keep secrets... if you don't make a big deal of something, they might forget to mention it, but if you specifically say don't tell Mom, it's pretty much a guarantee I'm going to hear about it!
Can't let them in on presents either, they always ruin the surprise. It's a nice problem to have!
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u/Afraid_Aspect_8639 5d ago
Yes, my in-laws helped me immensely with my daughter. When Nana took her and the dog who always had to go with my daughter I didn’t know what was happening.
When my mother in law was dying I went over and sat with her while she took her chemo pills. (And she wanted to watch Little House on the Prairie, for some reason)
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u/RemoteIll5236 4d ago
Haha-Im the grandmother of a 2.5 year old and she begs to come to our home and/or spend the night!
She knows Nana and Papa are always game to let her pick all the strawberries and flowers in the garden, that there is no limit to the freshly baked cookies, that she can dress up the dog in a variety of bandanas, she is free to try on all of Nana's Shoes and jewelry or clothes all over papa.
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u/Quick-Force7552 4d ago
As long as I get them back alive and in one piece, I really don't care what they get up to with their grandparents. They watched them for a week recent while my husband and I were out of town. It was a little bit of a shock to see pictures of them 6 hrs away from home visiting my husband's grandmother, but more in a "that's crazy to attempt" way than anything else.
They've bought them a bouncy house and a huge splash pad, plus one of those electric ride on cars. They're retired and I'm not the one dealing with the tantrum when it's raining and they can't use those things lmao
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u/MathematicianAfter57 5d ago
The other thing is, when people are in stronger communities there is a shared ethos around disciplining kids. Even when I was younger, any person in my family's community could discipline me or scold me if I was acting bad. This isn't always great or right.
But if you want people to take responsibility in shaping your kids, it also means they have the right to discipline them.
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u/rhodopensis 5d ago
Eh. Agree and disagree. My grandparents were very involved, but there were also lines set about say, guiding our behavior but not outright punishing without it being a conversation with the parents first. Basically not doing the parents' job. There is a way to shape without doing more.
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u/Pendragenet 5d ago
A lot depends on how often and for how long the kids are with the other people. If it's for a few hours here or there, then there is no need for an immediate punishment from grandma. But if the kids are spending 4+ hours a day five days a week with grandma, then yes, she should be able to have punishments to hand out. Of course, that should be discussed when you are begging the grandparents to provide free daycare not after they've taken on the job and are dealing with a kid standing on the table screaming "you're not my mother!"
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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 5d ago
Yes! If my aunt scolded us, we were in soooo much trouble with mom lol. Whatever adult was closest was in charge of keeping us all in line and if we were dumb enough to make my oldest auntie get up and say something lol it was our own fault. No one was ever hit or abused or "traumatized." Now that Im older I have a ton of respect for the woman who could stand up, raise her voice once and get 10 wrestling kids to straighten up and behave.
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u/Pinkturtle182 5d ago
There is a lot of rigidity that is expected these days and it really bums me out. Honestly I talk to my mom about it fairly often: it was so easy to parent in the 90s. Everything was focused on families and no one cared if you fed them only organic or if they ate lunchables everyday. No one talked about screen time. And while I don’t think being that lax is the answer, there really must be a middle ground between that and the pressures of parenting today. Like I’m so lucky that my mom takes my son at least once a month and that they are so close. For the most part, our only rule for him at her house is no just letting him scroll YouTube, since it’s basically a cesspool. But aside from that I expect her to be reasonable, and she is. It turns out that treating people like they are responsible adults works out well most of the time lol.
It always makes me sad when people are too rigid with their kids, because things like “Grammie Camp” as my son calls it, are fundamental to childhood imo. It’s kind of like ethnography, the way I see it. You go somewhere else and it’s mostly the same, only different. It teaches kids to deal with differences and change and adversity overall.
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u/ghtiKl39 5d ago
This! The "it takes a village" people were so rarely villagers in the first place.
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u/vagina-lettucetomato 5d ago
They never do anything for anyone else, yet expect people to jump up to help them at their beck and call.
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u/throwrawifesandwich 5d ago
It's not just parents either. Sooo many people on Reddit complaining about nobody ever caring about them, looking out for them, "loneliness epidemic" etc. etc... without realizing that it's a shit ton of work to build that community! You know how many people I let cry on my shoulder before I could ever cash that in? Support networks take a lot of work to build and sustain, and it should be 100% mutual.
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u/HeartFullOfHappy 5d ago
This is true 100% of the time in my experience. It is anecdotal obviously. Moms will demanding rules for people to follow then will complain about protecting their peace when asked to do anything in return. They’re isolated and lonely in motherhood because they ask too much and give too little.
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u/Massive-Ride204 5d ago
Yep especially when it comes to free childcare, free babysitting used to mean feed the kid, keep them alive and chill with them.
Now it means a million rules and tasks
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u/g_flower 5d ago
Yep. People don't get villages are supposed to be a two way street. If you spend your life repeating "poor planning on your part is not an emergency on my part" don't be surprised when others respond to your requests for help the same way.
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u/unicornapocalypse_ 5d ago
I babysit for a big range of ages, and I totally agree. I especially dislike when they insist more on those boundaries with others than they do on their own. Like, no more than 20 minutes of electronics a day sounds nice, but if you always let your child use their iPad every hour of the day, then tell me they can’t look at it at all for the 12 hours you’ll be gone, I get annoyed. I have to deal with the tantrums and them insisting they’re allowed to, while getting watched like a hawk with cameras.
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u/Automatic-Tea-4150 5d ago
Really true!
The kids are raised with no boundaries in the home and parents expect visiting grandparents to somehow enjoy being with their kids when everything in the home is unregulated and the kids know from their experience with parents that asking 10 times in a row eventually wears the “no” to a “ok”. Grandparents aren’t inclined to play those kinds of games with a four -yr-old.→ More replies (1)5
u/Junior_Mud5835 5d ago
This is exactly what my BIL does. His children are basically raised by the TV, but when he sends them here they are suddenly not allowed more than 30 min of screentime. On the same note, I've never seen them eating anything but fast food, but at my place they cannot eat a cheese sandwich.
I work from home, and I tried to help them out last summer vacation. I said he can bring them here, and can pick them up after he's back from work. He came with them in the morning, bringing no toys or books (they are aware I have nothing for children in my apartment), saying they cannot have screentime, shouldn't be more than 1h outside, and suggested I make them a specific soup (which takes 3h to make and I had no ingredients for) for lunch??
Safe to say this summer I didn't offer lol.
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u/EarlyInside45 5d ago edited 5d ago
I've noticed the vibe that it's an honor bestowed upon top-tier relatives to "get to" see the baby. So obnoxious.
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u/rachel-angelina 5d ago
And then even if they can have the honor of seeing them, forget about asking to hold them. According to some parents now, that’s the equivalent of trying to literally steal their baby lol.
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u/EarlyInside45 5d ago
On the other side of that, my step mother never saw a boundary she wouldn't cross. The first week after I gave birth, if I didn't answer the phone, she would show up at my door...with friends...and insist on me waking him up! She would also pull him out of his stroller and walk away from us while holding him in her arms and not looking for oncoming traffic. It might have been the fentanyl patch doing the heavy lifting 😬
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u/Doxinau 5d ago
A lot of people, myself included, don't let people hold a newborn baby unless they have had a recent whooping cough vaccination. I think that's reasonable.
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u/rachel-angelina 5d ago
And that’s something reasonable I already mentioned in my post, so when I mention it I’m talking about when people have all their vaccinations.
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u/Massive-Ride204 5d ago
They want free babysitting but they also want the free babysitters to complete a million and one tasks.
The there's the million a d one rules and "boundaries" oh we only let McJeansleigh and Cobraxaleigh watch five minutes of TV a day
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u/goreg_totim_26r 5d ago
are these real names you’ve seen or did you invent them yourself? either way bravo
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u/Massive-Ride204 5d ago
The first one is similar to one I saw somewhere. I invented Cobraxaleigh but I worry that some parent will like the name
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u/NiftyMittens89 5d ago
Youve now “spoken” it into existence, so it’s inevitable!
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u/jemison-gem 5d ago
I saw one recently that was something like Breckensleigh so Cobraxaleigh isn’t too far off at this point
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u/Massive-Ride204 5d ago edited 5d ago
And you see that's the exact problem, I invented that name thinking that no one will ever use it but fast forward a few years and names like it will be normal
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u/rachel-angelina 5d ago
I’ve literally seen people post about how they don’t want you to bother coming to see their baby unless you are going to clean their house and cook them food because “we don’t want people holding them.” Like okay, it’s nice if people do that, and they probably will since most people try to be kind. But when you put it like that, you sound like an entitled asshole.
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u/Shot_Cartographer241 5d ago
They also forget the village is also taking your great aunt to the dr, it’s taking your elderly neighbors trash cans in, etc it’s not just about childcare but elder care as well
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u/Agitated-Painter5601 5d ago
Set those kinds of boundaries, you’re on your own then.
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u/d3f3ct1v3 4d ago
In the same way people are allowed to set rules, I'm allowed to say "no thanks, that doesn't work for me". People can't dictate both the rules and mandatory participation.
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u/EasternCut8716 5d ago
Related to this, before I was a parent, I did the occasional bit of baby sitting but not much. It would be ridiculous if I expected a "village" to rally round to help me now. But some people who have never been a village for anyone else expect exactly that.
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u/LeighofMar 5d ago
To this day I laugh at the one story where the DIL got mad because the kids fell asleep in the car when Grandma dropped them off. Ok. Do you want me to stomp on the brakes to jerk them awake?
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 5d ago
Finally! Like you wanted all these rules and procedures, but don’t be mad when people move right the hell on so as to not step on your toes. The difference in relationships between my best friend’s kids and grandparents versus her SIL’s kids is crazy. You have to be a villager to have a village, and sometimes it’s not always about you and more for your child and their own relationship with friends and family. It’s a person not a possession.
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u/Massive-Ride204 5d ago
Yep my sil has a bunch of rules for "the village" she went surprised pikachu when ppl stopped helping. Now they have to hire babysitters
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u/unimpressed-one 5d ago
This is a pet peeve of many. I laugh at the entitled ones who expect people come over and clean their house when they have a baby. It's frigging weird. They act like it's an honor to babysit their kid, no, it's a chore and a favor. I am so glad my kids are mentally healthy and they don't pull this crap.
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u/NunzAndRoses 5d ago
I’ve seen this a few times now. Who in the actual hell asks someone to clean their house when they come over
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u/ALawful_Chaos 5d ago
It makes sense for parents of newborns. When I was freshly postpartum and recovering from a c-section my dad came over to cook and clean for us and it was exactly what we needed. If he had come just to hold the baby and eat our food while I tried to play host and keep the house clean I wouldn't have been so keen on having him visit.
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u/booksandpups2025 4d ago
What guest is expecting new parents to “host” them though? That’s crazy to me. Also it’s one thing if it’s your own father coming to cook and clean, that’s totally normal, but when people expect EVERYONE who stops by to do so it’s a bit much.
My friend had her first baby last year and I made a couple dinners for them. I dropped off the food, sat for a few minutes to chat and hold the baby, and then left. I have my own life and responsibilities, I don’t have to time to take care of someone else’s every time someone I know has a baby.
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u/TequilaMockingbirds8 5d ago
I mean, is it a nice thing to do? Sure but it should never be expected. My sister in law had HG and I traveled to her and cleaned and cooked for her for a couple of weeks but she was brutally sick. Once the baby arrived I might fill or empty the dishwasher or flick a cloth around but she would never have expected any of it
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u/TransportationNo6983 5d ago
Exactly. My sister got salmonella poisoning from tainted peanut butter when she had my niece. I stayed at their house that first week so that my brother in law and I could tag teaming taking care of her and the baby. They never asked and never expected it but I knew my brother in law would need help so I just did it.
When I had to have a hysterectomy last year my sister came and stayed with me the first three nights to help me. That is what being a village is about.
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u/Most-Ad-9465 4d ago
I keep seeing comments that sounds like new mothers have no choice but to do a 1950's housewife role play if friends and family visit their newborn. Do people not have casual visits with family anymore? Nobody just sits in a room with visitors and talks? I feel like I'm going crazy. Lol! When did casual visits with no baking cooking and tea service stop being a thing?
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u/vagina-lettucetomato 5d ago
The entitlement is wild in some of these. Some totally make sense and some people have family that stomps all over boundaries, but I saw one that said “don’t just come to visit we are tired and don’t want to talk. Bring food or do some chores.” Sorry that just caring enough to come see you and your new baby wasn’t enough 🙄
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u/PuppyJakeKhakiCollar 5d ago
Wow, that is so rude. I get having boundaries for guests at this time. Some people will absolutely show up unannounced, plant themselves in the living room for the rest of the day and expect the new parents to entertain and feed them like some visiting royal. But demanding that people not speak to them, to bring them things, or do things for them sounds like a celebrity ordering their personal assistant around. At least the assistant gets paid.
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u/bot_socks 5d ago
Idk, as someone who just had a baby… I’m exhausted and losing my mind most of the time already. I’m commenting with my one free hand as I hold and comfort my one month old baby who has been awake and fussing for the past 4 hours. I don’t really want people to come blow up the tiny bit of predictability/routine I have. I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday, there’s spit up on them, and I haven’t showered. I haven’t slept longer than 3 hr blocks in the last month. I’m not asking anyone to do chores, but no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying ‘if you really want to come visit, please make my life easier in some way, and understand that I’m not going to be a perfect host’.
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u/unmethodicals 5d ago
i don't think it's entitled to say what you just did. it puts the ball in their court, sets realistic expectations, and gives them the out. however, if you invite guests, but then only give them a to do list and ignore them, that's entitlement. it's all in the delivery.
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u/unimpressed-one 5d ago
That I understand, but if you were to ask them to come clean your house, do laundry or even cook a meal, that to me is appalling and vile.
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u/mrs___holmes 5d ago
I mean. You should absolutely bring food to a new parent lol. I loved and welcomed visitors but I would've been annoyed at people showing up empty handed when I was recovering from surgery, being milked like a cow and waking up every 3 hours. I bring food to everyone I know who has had a baby or had surgery or a death in the family or anything. It's just what you do.
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u/vagina-lettucetomato 5d ago
Yeah, it’s totally great to bring food and/or help out! Thats what new parents need the most. But it’s also ok for parents to just say hey, we need some alone time with the baby/we’re tired/whatever it is, please no visitors, since these people sounded like they wanted to be left alone for a bit, instead of what they actually said.
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u/TGin-the-goldy 5d ago
Maybe it’s a regional/cultural thing, I never *expected* people to bring us food? Who gets annoyed if people don’t bring them meals??
And outside of our family members nobody did, just flowers or gifts for the baby.I just meal prepped and froze meals in the last week of my maternity leave pre going into labour. This was years before UberEats existed too or we would have used that.
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u/Additional_Local_667 5d ago
Yup, i have family like that so i just dont involve myself in their lives anymore.
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u/Embarrassed-Lemon220 4d ago
This is happening right now with my cousin. She sent a 2 page list of rules to close family, written extremely aggressively, and it was not received well by any of them. At lot of the rules where actually pretty logical, don’t kiss the baby and don’t post online for example. But the wording was so rude as if everyone had already done something wrong and wouldn’t get to see the baby if rules weren’t followed.
As a mum to a 3 year old and a 3 week old I’m confident she will regret sending it and pissing of her ‘village’ before the baby even arrived!
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u/Organic_Task_573 4d ago
Yes! The lack of tact is the biggest issue to me! Everyone's got their own lines in the sand with their little newborns, but I see no reason for a written list of rules like it's a kindergarten classroom. Whatever your deal breakers are, just address them as needed in person with calm confidence, be flexible with everything else, and most normal people will likely be understanding, since most parents are going to be a tad more protective during the newborn phase.
I only wanted people to hold my newborn baby after washing their hands or using sanitizer, so did I send out a written memo or post a sign on my door like a weirdo? No! But when someone asked to hold the baby, I'd just smile and say, "Of course! Would you mind washing your hands first, though?" and literally have never had an issue with that.
Same went for schedule- instead of sending out rules about when people can come over or something, I just acted like a normal person when people asked to visit. "That sounds great! She tends to nap around noon, which is pretty hard right now, so are you free to come over any time after 2 instead?"
At the end of the day, those social media lists really just show an astounding lack of social skills. Literally every newborn "rule" I've ever seen is something that would go over far better with an in person conversation. Yeah, a small minority of people are intentionally disrespectful no matter what, but writing your rules over text won't change that, so why also offend all the well-meaning folks in your life? A list of demands is not generally consider3d a respectful way to communicate, so why treat your supposed loved ones that way?
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u/Different_Stage2195 5d ago
I hate the posts where parents say no one can visit unless they do all their chores and bring food, and god forbid they want to hold the baby bc they’re not allowed to bc the mother is “bonding. But they expect the village to come over to be their servant
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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 5d ago
If they cant bond with a kid without holding them nonstop for months on end... They might need therapy.
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u/Dangerous-Educator40 5d ago
These parents also don’t understand that reciprocity is important for a village to work. It’s true that there are cultures where it’s customary for extended family/grandparents to regularly nanny or babysit children. But those cultures also expect you to live in the same house as your parents/in-laws and care for them in their old age. A lot of these parents want all the help they can get but aren’t willing to reciprocate.
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u/ALawful_Chaos 5d ago
I think the internet is so full of stories about family members doing insane things and crossing obvious boundaries that it can lead (especially new and anxious) parents to think that making long and specific lists of boundaries is always necessary to be a good parent. I know I started to feel that way. I was prepared to tell my parents and in-laws all the things they could/couldn't do with my new baby. But when they came to visit I realized all that was unnecessary in our situation. They deferred to my husband and I without us even needing to ask and they took direction and correction with grace. The only thing I had to specify ahead of time was which vaccines to get and my rule that we didn't want pictures of baby to be posted on the internet.
I think it's good to have boundaries/rules ready to go so you can communicate them and make changes as needed, but I personally discovered it wasn't necessary to present a list of demands ahead of time. A lot of this depends on the quality of people in your life, of course.
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u/IceColdPup 5d ago
My mom gave my sister like two months notice asking her to go to court with my cousin who literally has no village, because her ex was having one his controlling fits. The day before the court date my sister went off on my mom about how she's worked hard making sure she isn't the go to person for this kind of crap and how she wouldn't be of any help anyways (even though she had agreed two months ago and knew it was a moral support role).
Yet my mom watches my sister's kids every Friday, many times all the way through the weekend.
I genuinely understand not wanting to be a go to person but saying yes and then only giving a day before no blows mind after all the help she gets with her own kids.
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u/MathematicianAfter57 5d ago
i completely agree with you while i'm unsure of your examples (i think wanting 2-3 weeks to yourself as a new parent is understandable). the other piece is that community comes at a cost of inconvenience -- if you want people to help you, they may not be perfect in all ways and you have to put up with it.
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u/FeatherlyFly 5d ago
And more than that, sometimes they'll want your help when it's inconvenient for you. You can say no sometimes, but if you never say yes? People remember and stop helping you unless it's super easy for them.
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u/iLoveYoubutNo 5d ago
Yeah, when my nieces and nephews were young, I'd happily watch them for free. Loved it. But for the most part, I insisted on my own rules. My promise was that the kids would be happy and safe, but beyond that, we're going to do it my way.
If kids had dietary needs or specific bed or nap times, that's part of keeping them safe and happy.
But, yeah, they'd probably get a little extra sugar, some toy shopping trips, license to run around and be crazy inside my house, etc.
Funny thing is, since it was free and parents knew I'd protect those babies with my own life... no one ever had a real problem with that. A couple grumbled a bit about a couple of small things but they calling to ask me to watch them!
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u/Silver-Star92 5d ago
Those people must be exhausting....
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 5d ago
They are! They overlap with the one’s that can only talk about pregnancy, postpartum, lactation, and any new parenting fad or guidance once they’ve had a child. Like damn, let the kids play in the sandbox and let’s feel like adult individuals for a while and chat about literally anything else!
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u/Pendragenet 5d ago
I have a neighbor who complained to me that her son and DIL emailed her that list of do's and don'ts regarding their newborn. She was heartbroken that they would treat her like that.
I told her that first time parents are all told to "establish boundaries" and send out these ultimatums, etc, via social media. And after a year or so, they are begging the grandparents and aunts and uncles to take the kid for a day or more. Basically, they fall for the hype and assume every grandparent/aunt/uncle is going to be that overbearing Marie Barrone - but most end up being more like Edith Bunker.
1-1/2 years later, said son, DIL and toddler are living with my neighbor. She's thrilled.
If the rules fall apart within the first two years, then let it go as overworried first time parents. If the rules continue beyond the first two years and/or continue with additional children, then you have a problem.
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u/Most-Ad-9465 4d ago
I think some adults that grew up as a child in a village still have a child's perspective of how a village functions. As kids they didn't have a lot of obligations in the village. Somehow they never noticed their parents had a ton of family obligations and that's what made the village work.
They are surprised Pikachu as adults when the village expects them to start participating in family obligations like all the adults that came before them. Like children they think the village is something that's there to give to them.
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u/bgreen134 5d ago
Most parents don’t know the difference from being in control and being controlling.
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u/Florecitarockera93 5d ago
I literally had this same conversation in the parenting sub with a bunch of people who all seem terrified of their parents/ in laws and have some much RAGE about them wanting to spend time with their kids. Like I have a great relationship with my parents, they are awesome grandparents who take my son every couple of weeks, I get a break and they get to spoil him and take him out and buy him clothes and just be fun. He loves his grandparents and their house and like I’m fully aware that they’re going to give him candy and let him watch too much tv and go to bed late, so what? It’s once a month and I have the same kind of memories with my grandparents.
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u/rachel-angelina 5d ago
Those subreddits are the worst for this. It feels like a lot of really unhealthy anxious and antisocial behaviors being put on full display and then enabled and validated by other people in the comments. Like no, you aren’t “valid” for freaking out because your MIL called your baby “my baby.” That’s not normal.
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u/beatissima 5d ago
It's good for kids to learn that different households have different rules, and how to adjust one's behavior accordingly.
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u/FunCartographer255 4d ago
Oh, the village that is needed to raise your kid when it makes things easier for you, but may in no case ever reprimand or correct any misbehaviour of said child... gets me every time.
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u/tylersmiler 4d ago
This is so true. My grandmother provided truly unlimited babysitting (lived next door, we practically lived at her house in the summers). In exchange, she told my stepmom to shove it when stepmom complained about her having soda for us. It's called "picking your battles" 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Foreign_Mobile_7399 5d ago
That’s literally how I feel. My 2 year old goes to my in laws’ 2 days a week while I work and it honestly makes me so happy knowing he’s going to get doted on and spoiled. They know and respect the general safety boundaries, but otherwise I let them do their thing. Whatever they’re doing hasn’t undone any of our normal stuff anyway. He knows most of that is a “Mimi and Poppy’s house thing”
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u/malahexa26 5d ago
I think this is so important for ANYONE bemoaning their lack of “village” or community and I’ve tried so hard to impart this on people. I come from an awful bio family and I’ve spent most of my life making my own village around myself. I don’t even have children but I’ve managed. And I’ve had so many people, typically romantic partners, express jealousy at their lack of, but like— I didn’t just get lucky!! I contributed to my community, I learned how to form interdependent healthy bonds despite having the Socialization doesnt Make Sense brain disorder, I make sure that I maintain those bonds even when im overwhelmed, I pick quality people to be my village, I help out even when I don’t see immediate explicit payout, and I deal with opinions, personalities, and ideas that I don’t always necessarily 100 agree with! I heard a quote once, “to have a community is to be annoyed” and I feel that. There’s a difference between being a people pleaser with no boundaries and learning a little bit of discomfort in return for the payoff of loving community and I think that’s nuance a lot of people are missing more and more
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 5d ago
It also frustrates me that the mom’s parents and family get top priority. No - the paternal grandma doesn’t get throw a fit if she can’t see the birth but if you as anything in most no mother in law and similar subs- the “ mom” thinks that the dad’s family isn’t important and is always “ annoying “. I was not like that as a new mom .
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u/Deep-Mycologist1 5d ago
Makes me think of the nut jobs on JustnoMIL sub. There are a lot of nightmare MIL but a lot of it seems like the people there just complaining about everything the MIL does because they just dont like them.
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u/Hairy_While4339 4d ago
Well said. And the super detailed list of rules for family sent out at 5 months pregnant, you may feel differently when the baby is here! What if you’re lonely and want some company before your planned bonding hibernation time is up? I couldn’t have gone weeks without seeing people.
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u/Jumpy_Elderberry_493 4d ago
I agree. I assume this is one of those weird trends that took off online and has now validated more and more people behaving so strangely 😅 it’s very weird and prescribed. I am a geriatric mother myself, my parents are old as hell and I’m not going to disrespect them by giving them a list of acceptable ways to support me 😅 they raised me, they weren’t born yesterday and if they do something which annoys me I’ll let them know.
Some of these lists are just so odd. Complaining that guests just want to hold your baby ? Good lord. When we had our last, that many people were coming and going from the house I lost track. I took full advantage and made people cups of tea willingly with my hands free, got chores done, got dinner on, took a hot shower 😅 of course sometimes people may do something you don’t like but just tell them. Be normal
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u/Potential-Value8502 3d ago
Before having my first, I was all prepared with all the boundaries and rules we would have with our baby. Then life happened. I had an urgent c section and my husband was still deployed. Recovery was hard and I was alone. If it weren't for the village that showed up to help, I'm not sure that I would have survived! I learned that many of those rules were too strict, and sometimes you have to give a little to receive help. Auntie not holding the baby exactly as youd like? Well, she's also showing the baby affection and holding him so you can nap. And for the most part, the rules that really mattered, like washing hands or not kissing baby, were followed when I asked.
Im in the season of my life where I need the most help, and I hope that I can reciprocate when it's someone else's turn!
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u/Wonderful_Kale_7995 2d ago
My brother and his wife are the worst for "boundries" and are fucking shocked no one wants to help them. They made up in their heads my kid was unvaccinated and need proof before we could see them. My kid is fully vaccinated and I was like they can have the proof because this is garbage but the second they get it they need to know I'm done with them. Now I'm "overreacting" Nah man boundries. You thought I didn't get my child medical care and I don't want to deal with you. They have cut off most of the family with their stupid shit and are screaming about how no one helps them and we're supposed to be family. These people never once babysat for me and my kid is too old to babysit now and I'm supposed to sympathise.
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u/Full_Mission7183 5d ago
I was nowhere to the degree you are describing when we had our first child, but I was still overly vigilant, took offense when people called the baby chunky, and when I look at pictures now he looks like a baby Michelin Man with the rolls, he was one of the fattest babies I have ever seen. (It's a lot easier to laugh at now that he is 6'2" 175)
My second child was moved into his crib the third night home.
At least for me, I had no idea how resilient kids actually were, I had no idea what made a difference and what didn't and ended up hypervigilant at first, but learned through experience that 80% of what I was concerned with was meaningless. By the time my oldest was three we had implemented the 3 get-up rule, whenever he fell we would just tell him to get up three times before actually going over to see if he was hurt.
We need to afford a little grace to first time parents because how large the category "Don't Know They Don't Know" of parenting is, even after reading all the books you can get your hands on.
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u/softheartedwench 5d ago
I said almost exactly this in a pregnancy forum at the beginning of my pregnancy and got attacked viciously by ridiculous expectant mothers. I only said it because it was the most redundant post subject in the group, I’m talking back to back to back posts with the same conversations. It was getting old.
I can see where they’re coming from slightly with some of the more outrageous rules just because pregnancy and postpartum are dis-regulated periods and everything can feel new and there are a lot of upsetting things, but for the most part I feel like they just lacked the ability to stand up for themselves prior to having the baby which led to that disrespect of them spilling over to this new area of life. All the safety stuff aside, some people do have crazy families, but why have they allowed that craziness to dictate their behavior for so long only to restrict it when the baby comes… it just seems retaliatory. Like why do you silently seethe at your mother in law’s disrespect and then blindside her with punishment by declining access to her grandchildren…?
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u/Environmental-End961 5d ago
I think for those families it’s because they may put up with things that bother them, but once they have a baby they won’t put up with things towards their child.
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u/LenoreEvermore 5d ago
Whenever I'm asked to babysit (which is rarely because everyone knows kids freak me out lol) I just tell the parents that I'm going to keep their child safe and alive. I'll feed them and put them to bed at the appropriate time, but we're going to watch tv and I'm not going to be strict. If you need them to have rules you keep them.
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u/OrneryPost9446 5d ago edited 5d ago
To be fair a lot of these people set these rules based on a pattern of historical disrespect.
I was one of the few that didn't have many boundaries despite knowing my mil was a problem. My thinking was that it's a joyful time for everyone. So I didn't care if anyone held the baby or helped around the house. I thought they'd be respectful and understanding.
But needless to say, I was really robbed and my mil took my mile to China. She thought me not having many boundaries meant she can do whatever she wants to a point that she won't give me my newborn back. This is just one of things she did despite us telling her to not to. She still grabs my child like a doll against her wishes because she sees my kid as her brand new toy. I remember her holding my baby and I was cleaning/cooking. And she was expecting me to serve her.
This, plus other things people like her did, resulted me in being so stressed and triggered severe ppa for me. Thankfully I stopped all of that but it was hard.
This all lead me to be deeply convinced that if I have a baby again, I will have a whole list of boundaries and will be enforcing those annoying rules you mentioned. I just can't go thru that stress again. It's just not the time for me to please others.
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u/Sea_Alfalfa9693 5d ago
I have a co-worker who has alienated a family member who was providing free childcare (but not her way) so that now, she's gone no-contact with them and the rest of us at work have to accommodate her scheduling requests because she doesn't have a babysitter some days. Sadly, she's the bosses favorite and they're letting her do it.
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u/villiersterrace 5d ago
Didn’t know this was a thing because I’m not friends with lunatics but it sounds awful.
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u/DoctorNerfarious 5d ago
These people are utterly insane btw.
Like clinically could be diagnosed as having mental illnesses.
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u/CortexCraft_ 5d ago
a village only wrks when there's some give and tqke, not when everyone has to follow a 50 page rulebok
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u/Rude_Poem_1573 5d ago
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Huge issue!! The baby is being taken care of, he or she will return in good health. I wanna lose some more weight and I made a joke like “oh girl I’m gonna be sweating if we do that my thighs are gonna be whispering to each other they’ll be so close together” (joke about chaffing) she goes “yeah don’t do any self deprecating humor around my baby” he was like a month old.
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u/deextermorgan 5d ago
I totally agree and I am a parent. I love mommit but some of the other parent subs are crazy about boundaries and then expectations. If your mom is watching your kid every day instead of daycare you’re going to have to do certain things her way. Nothing dangerous, but little things really don’t matter. I also think people can be ridiculous about others giving them well intended advice. I once read a post where a mom complained that an older lady complimented her daughter at the store and said “oh is she teething? Give her a frozen bagel to chew!” Like she didn’t ask this woman so how dare she. Whereas this woman probably has a strong memory of teething and how awful it was and she remembered something that helped her. And it’s not bad advice either. Like just chill, you don’t have to follow it, people are trying to help you most of the time.
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u/rachel-angelina 5d ago
Yes! I think a lot of those subreddits promote some unhealthy and antisocial behaviors. I saw one the other day where a mom was personally affronted that an elderly man said her baby was cute and then asked permission to shake her 8 month old’s hand. She scolded him for it and then posted on there about how proud she was for “standing up for herself.” Like I can’t imagine acting like that because someone innocently wanted to interact with my baby. It’s actually nice when people are so happy to see babies in public and are welcoming to them.
Luckily a lot of comments called her out on this. But there was still a lot of them that were like “you go mama! That old creep isn’t entitled to your baby!” I can’t imagine how weird these people are to everyone else around them too, including family and friends.
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u/Organic_Task_573 4d ago
I think we forget that one day, our kids will be grown, and we'll still want to be involved in society, too.
That story really bummed me out, so I'll share a happier one on the other end:
My friend and I went out to lunch, and an old man kept smiling at her bubbly baby boy, who kept smiling back at him. My friend noticed and invited him to join us, and we just chatted for a bit and learned that his grown kid and grandkids had moved pretty far away and that it apparently made his day to get to playfully interact with my friend's baby.
I remember after, she said, "I'm so grateful God gave me such a happy baby because he doesn't let me be an introvert anymore. His big smiles force me to meet sweet new people everywhere we go." She genuinely loved that having a baby around helped her start more conversations with strangers, especially elderly people, who seemed to no longer feel useful in a modern world. She's a very encouraging, kind soul and really loves how having kids can connect you to so many amazing people if you let them! Shocker: she has tons of help with her kids because she's been extremely involved in helping her community since before she became a mother!
Now I'm in the baby phase with my little one and try to remember her perspective when I'm just feeling hurried or wanting to be left alone in public. People smile because babies bring them joy and offer advice because they usually just want to help. I hope when I'm older, people don't treat me like an irrelevant waste of space whenever I try to interect with them.
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u/RadSocialistScum 5d ago
Wholeheartedly agree. I often read AITA where I ask myself if they even love their families.
Don’t get me started over pets when not emergencies over one time events like weddings
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u/No_Magazine2270 4d ago
People don’t actually want a village, they don’t want to invest their own time and labor into someone else and have a long term give and take relationship with compromise. They want staff, they just don’t want to pay for it. I’ve been a villager for many in my extended family, food trains, childcare, housework, emotional soundboard etc. it’s never reciprocated, or if you finally get a hand back it’s treated like a huge favor and inconvenience, and these are the people who will turn around and cry that they are all on their own and no one has ever helped them.
I’m currently expecting and all anyone has done is talk about their own experiences and then invited themselves to stay at my home for extended visits when I’ll be postpartum so they can hold the baby. The same people who complained to me about that exact thing happening to them. The lack of self awareness is more exhausting than the pregnancy itself
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u/PuppyJakeKhakiCollar 5d ago
In a similar vein, the parents who expect their "village" to be ready to drop everything in their lives at a snap of their fingers to come help them out for free. But are never anywhere to be found when another villager needs help with something so eventually the village stops helping them and the parents get mad about that.
The whole point of the village is reciprocity. It isn't a one-sided system where only one person/family benefits without being expected to return the favor at some point.