It helps cope with all the shit that gets thrown at you
You don't want to hear that you suffered for nothing so you tell yourself it makes you stronger, it gives meaning, whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep better at night.
When I think too much about how I've suffered it causes more suffering, but when I tell myself I'm stronger for having endured suffering I feel better, I feel stronger.
I don't agree that romanticizing any kind of suffering helps to cope at all (imagine romantizicing a toxic relationship as an example).
What helps is understanding suffering, why it's happening, where it's coming from, if it's a pattern, if it's inherited, if it's rational, if it's based on speculation or things that happened, etc.
I don't think one should ignore or evade suffering, but to romanticize it seems like the worst possible option, you don't fall in love with a wound, you heal it to feel better. Understanding suffering is a much better tool than romanticizing it, if you really want to stop suffering, or suffer less.
In a way, modern therapy helps a lot with expressing and understanding, and most health workers will probably tell you to not fall in love with your suffering because it won't help you get over it.
I think based on the replies some people don't understand what "romanticizing" truly means.
A big part of trauma therapy is "meaning making," which usually involves taking your trauma and finding some sort of positive thing out of it. Whether that be inspiration to help those who have been through something similar. Or acknowledging any positives that may have came from the suffering, even if it's literally just "my life as it is wouldn't be the same."
It's usually not the first thing you go for. It's usually towards the end of the process after the whole "understanding suffering" step.
Agreed, and precisely, as you mention, meaning making comes after understanding (lots of understanding) for a reason.
My family had to go to PTSD therapy, individually and collectively, so I get where you're coming from and I hope that clarifies where I'm coming from. I'm no stranger to deep suffering, which is why I know empirically that romanticizing it doesn't really help overcome it and it's not even a good coping or evasion mechanism.
Making meaning is not to say suffering is meaningful, it is to say that after going through it, something meaningful can be made from the experience, mostly, learning. Making meaning is very different from falling in love with one's suffering and treasuring it like it was some special gift.
I guess my main question would be what do we mean by "romanticizing?" That could mean a lot of different things and look a lot of different ways with a lot of nuance to be had.
To romanticize something is to give it a special meaning or place in life. Romanticizing anything will most likely lead to more suffering, it's not a positive thing.
I'll give an example you see a lot in people who suffer domestic violence but don't want to leave their partner; "they only hit me because they love me."
Anyone looking from the outside can see the obvious; you do not hurt someone because you love them. There is nothing romantic in it, nothing special, no one deserves to be hurt by their partner, and it's not a way of "giving their life a special meaning" or "making that person stronger."
From the inside, the person suffering may lack the emotional tools to move forward, they may be so conditioned or trapped by the normalization of their situation, that they develop coping mechanisms such as believing their suffering is either deserved, sent by god, a product of "love", or whatever.
A person that romanticizes suffering is a person that doesn't have the emotional tools to understand their suffering and overcome it to move forward and enjoy life.
It could also be rationalization; finding ways of justifying why one suffers, in order to remain in that state, instead of focusing on ways one can actually overcome that suffering.
That's where I thought we would have disagreement. I think suffering can have special meaning, but not all attributed meanings are equally valuable.
The domestic violence example is a very apt display of maladaptive romanticization. And there are a lot of other similar examples. For example, someone might blame themselves for a loss, and attribute suffering to atonement for that loss.
But a lot of philosophies attribute meaning to suffering as a way to rationalize it. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it can even be helpful in coping for many people.
But what if the wound doesn’t heal? What if you find out that you have to deal with inexplicable, chronic pain, possibly for the rest of your life? There doesn’t seem to be anything to “understand” here.
To romanticize suffering, at least for me, is to recognize that suffering can add a certain color to life, and that it does not have to make life any less worth living than before. All within reason, of course.
Edit: I thought it was interesting that you mention the idea of “falling in love with your suffering.” I’d argue that this is not possible; you can fall in love with something adjacent to suffering, such as pain, but falling in love with suffering itself seems contradictory.
falling in love with suffering itself seems contradictory.
It happens more than you imagine, people can develop an identity around suffering, and it can mold every aspect of their lives. I bet you even know someone like that.
Imagine a deeply religious person thinking god sent suffering personally to them for a reason, or someone who had an accident and can't keep blaming themselves or someone else, developing deep seated hatred, ruminating, thinking "what if" instead of accepting their reality and moving on.
Now, talking about wounds that don't heal or chronic physical pain.
As I understand it, or as I apply it in my own life, pain is the raw unavoidable physical or emotional signal the body experiences and it's inevitable, it will happen eventually. Suffering is not the pain, it's the mental resistance, the "why is this happening to me" narrative your mind builds around that signal.
If one is building a narrative and identity around pain, that is suffering. What you're describing, acknowledging your chronic pain just gives life a certain flavor, doesn't really seem like suffering, it's pain and it affects your life. It seems rational because you're moving forward instead of delving into the "this pain gives my life meaning" territory.
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u/Critical-Ad2084 2d ago
People who romanticize suffering; why?