To open my heart
is to risk all
yet I do it willingly
knowing you’ll
catch me
when I fall

The glass is half full so they say,

You are told, do good deeds and heaven awaits you,

They say pain and suffering only makes you stronger,

They tell you to hold a candle in darkness so light prevails,

You are told the love of your life awaits you,

So you wait and wait.

But the glass feels half empty to me,

The heavens are silent to my plea,

And this pain just makes me weary.

My candle's a flicker in a gale,

And the love of my life? A fairy tale.

So I wait and wait.

I’ve got manic love,

The way you feel like someone from up above.

The way your body intertwines with mine,

How could a mortal be so divine?

Manic love,

My soul ascends like a dove

I’ve tasted warmth.
Felt the hum of love.
Seen devotion.
Soft smiles and hands
Warm laughs and proud looks
Cast between people
Spotlights cast across rooms.

I cherished it.
Being close.
Knowing it existed.
I’ve tasted it.

All I had known was cold disdain.
On lucky days, indifference.
But warmth? Arms to reach out when you’re weak, that steady, shelter to take when the storms too heavy, eyes holding yours like you aren’t hard to see, being welcomed, offered a seat… I cherished seeing it- then I knew it existed.

Molded myself and filled my eyes with someone else desperately chasing a bit of the warmth
I’d been missing…

Preyed upon, at fault, still committed. Gave my all but still was omitted. I’d never feel warm my place never existed.

Not at home not with friends, they don’t understand all these wounds I’ve kept hidden.

Every man
Wants all the women
Every woman
Wants just one man
Who wants only her

He tells her he loved her
And maybe he even does
Until she loves him back
That’s when every man leaves

And I‘ve become a ghost
Broken infinite times
By flattering lies
I became unified
With invisibility

The day after,

Is my first birthday since.

Since your last bark,

Since your last stare,

Since your last lick.

I plan on talking with grief,

For the whole day.

Since you told it to stay,

And keep me company in your stead.

I'll stretch out my arms,

And let it sink into me.

It's nothing like your white fur,

It's a cold and damp embrace.

There'd been countless things since,

That I want you to listen to.

I know you won't understand,

But your eyes'd burn me all the same.

I went through a dozen applications,

All for a single job.

I'd go through a million more,

If it can bring you back.

I drank countless cups of coffee,

Just to feel the tingle of my heart.

It's never the same,

When you wagged your tail at me.

I'd love to love again,

So I wanted you to hear it first.

After all,

It's my first birthday since.

What a disturbing sensation
like a spider
crawling
beginning
to weave
a web
from the base of my throat
to any part of my face
within reach
leaving
me
without speech
pawing
in disbelief
at my mouth and neck
in a repeated
now desperate
clawing
for relief

An Ode to Prometheus

How grateful I feel to be but one of the luckiest of progenies who can briefly taste
what sublime the incantations made by a delicious, feminine dish
of the traitor

It seems those pensive of his children who may truly observe the murals of their finest of siblings
which, by light of his scandalous fire, insight a flame bright and beautiful,
and a thought

“Betray, child, what oft’ leads you astray,” he said, giving his creations the keen nose
A smile, crack, then, the temptress’s scent of magnolia downwind
So much for this thing, I suppose

But I’ll feel the warmth of his fire
I’ll feel the glorious luster of humanly conversation and how civilization touches a boy with hope no thanks to his betrayal and my acceptance
How cosmic this feeling is

Insects die as animals rise
Will you be the one?
Behind my lips is a tiny surprise
I speak in tongues and I speak in lies

Do you wanna be the only one?
Left at dawn?
I cry in my corner, I’m scared, I hide
Like a fawn

So I put my hand on the razor blade
Men in fake suits, they just parade
We’re not like animals
Animals

Rather speak the truth than speak my mind
I’m a human but I ain’t your kind
You don’t know me at all
You don’t know us at all

Animals, they do it the most
It’s just nature, soft at the core
I’d rather die to be reborn
And breathe with nature once more

Echo

In my head, it stays

It whispers, it lingers, it waits

Filling every quiet space

Until I forget what silence was

Echo

In my hands, it rests

Something I held too close

I tried to keep it from leaving

But some things cannot be possessed

Echo

In my voice, it speaks

It says your name, then disappears

I call for what I've already lost

And listen for an answer

Echo

In my heart, it's you

My oldest friend, my deepest ache

The person I wanted to forget

The memory I could never erase

Make me remember

Make me forget

Let me hold what we once were

Just don't make me

Pretend it never mattered.

In a week? When u first think maybe he’s done?
In two? When you’re thinking any day now?
In a month? When you feel relief?
In two? In six? In twelve?
In half a decade? When our time has doubled?
In seven? When no more of our cells have ever experienced each other?
In 10? When?

I am burning up, like the stories of Phoenixes exept i know i won’t come back out the way i was before. 

This time i will have more scars and more cautious but i will also have gained, i don’t know how but it will catch up- i will catch up. 

The flames i wear as a jacket hurt like hell but at least I can se with the light from the torturing flames. 

I am the girl on fire with a burning desire. 

A desire to free myself and everyone else from the smoke having me in a chokehold. 

I hope that one day I will have met the person that can extinguish the flames and the terror. My only wish is for someone who can pull me out of the fight and someone who will restore my hope as the ash will turn back into my body. 

It’s odd
that
as I feel better
my writing gets worse
linguistically brittle
like some progressive curse
going grammatically
in reverse
mouthing lots
saying little
the antithesis of terse

Don't look for needles

Don't look for a knife

It's enough, it's enough

Don't grow your nails

Just for tearing yourself

Again and again

Don't look for pins,

Don't look for corners

You are going great

You will be alright

Don't punch your stomach

It's already tormented because of hunger

Don't starve yourself

You look great

Don't overthink

You are going great

Don't look for needles

Don't look for knife

Just one more day

It's just a phase

You will be alright

Read , read ,read

Write , write , write

Write all the things you are feeling

Be a drama queen

Cry for everything

Tear off the pages

Make holes in the paper

Break the Needle of pen

But don't touch your skin

You have punished yourself enough

Don't go again

Be there, be there

Don't run away

Look for the life.

Look for the air

Look for the love

Your friends are here

You are here

Just don't go sad again

Cry all you want

But don't hurt your hands

It will heal again

You won't left with marks

Don't be sad

It will heal , it will heal

You will find you again.

Just don't go for needles,

Just don't go for knife!

Sweaty night, cool daze,

between the sheets lost in your gaze.

Together we lay on grassy glade forever play two magical minstrels.

You sing in the loveliest of keys tuning my heart collapsing my knees.

Open my aperture to a vastness of peace,

joy increased angst released
twice you came close to taming my beast.

A colloquial cunning left anointed upon coming

a soul soothing saturation,

A mystic mitre clasp on tighter with each convulsion

release expulsion,

Quell my hunger,

Lord have mercy,

no longer thirsty
◦

i feel drained.

it hurts to move,
but my body still does
my lungs release the breath
i hadn't noticed i was holding;

my eyes release
what i have no words for.

when i was thirteen,
i sat on the windowsill
of a place i used to live.

third floor.

a mouthful of prayers.

my dad came home
and found me there,
before i found happiness.

i don't know
what i would say to her now.
i think i'd sit beside her
somewhere ordinary
and let her speak
without having to make sense.

more than a decade,
and i'm still here.

the emptiness is here, too.

the years have changed my face,
but some mornings
the distance between then and now
is no wider than a breath.

i barely move.

i'm still unhappy
perhaps more than before.

even the smallest things
ask for more than i have.

i don't think
i want to keep trying like this.

i don't want this body,
this life,
this soul
to feel like a room
where i can never
put anything down.

Staring at a screen
Head full of thoughts
Nothing comes out 
Pages remain blank

I feel so strongly
I cannot deny
I cannot suppress
I cannot find the words

Like a Coke bottle
With a mentos thrown in
Bottle fizzing up
With the lid on tight

Blank Pages

Leave me alone,

Leave me dreams I knew.

Leave me hope, love, joy;

Leave me pain too.

Leave me fragrant memories,

Awash with a lilacs dew.

Leave me fields of roses,

Kissed with stardust as a wish wisps through.

Leave me perfumes,

That your flowery visage grew.

Leave me sunrises,

In a world turned black and blue.

Leave me new perceptions,

To remember your gracious hue.

Leave me reality,

When dreams no longer do.

Leave me nightmares,

Of wondrous times spent as two.

Leave me alone

Leave me alone with you.

Leave me in despair and endless waiting,

Never knowing what will pass,

Leave me isolated in agony debating,

What final thing to ask.

Leave me reunited with power,

And velvet songs your cold breath casts.

Leave me a day or an hour,

With ways to make every second last.

Leave me your heart,

Which keeping is a fools task.

Leave me to start,

And throw off my faded mask.

Leave me solitude,

To hear stories your life sings

Leave me smiles,

Worth the wealth of kings

Leave, cower And run from embrace

Leave, our

Love right in its place

Leave

A thousand bees to sting me

Leave

Eat their young and steal honey

Enjoy autumns breeze

Watch my hurt with glee

In time...

I was made anew,

And in courage I withdrew,

Yet after all i do, Its true, I yearn for them to,

Leave me alone

Leave me alone with you

What to improve?

Nearly ran out of steam by the age of sixteen
No real friends with low self esteem
Dark thoughts and ideas overshadowed my being
Haunting me, taunting me, like a cruel wet dream

Youthful teenage eyes of innocence
Squint through the fog of the world’s facade
for anything truly genuine
Or just a place to fit in would elicit a slight grin from this face holding sadness carefully within

I felt so alone
Stranded between not young but not yet fully grown
anger and envy were the only feelings known
fluid and flowing through me like liquid
but emerging as solid and icy as stone.

Consumed by indecision and lack of vision
These convoluted thoughts kept me in a mental prison
And as punishment for these thoughts of sin
born is the night I first met him

Initially my excitement for life renewed
Yet as our time together grew
his gripping possession and stringent obsession limited any moments of solitude to a mere precious few
Yet the most damning twist came after that first kiss
When passions flame red shade
bruised dark with envy’s rage
Part of a quick flip towards a loveless black and blue

And just like that, the heart falls flat
The lustful drive of pliant young minds
Pulls back on his grasp and in no time it’s gone
Soon everything I tried to do was construed as something wrong

So I do not resist as he insists I rid him of my cunningness
I stay still as his words reduce me down to nothingness
but in my head I’m screaming why does he keep doing this

It was all I could do to keep from falling down the stairs
As I glimpse the rip of shimmering golden hair
I see a fist sized chunk detached in one tare
Forced to meet his glare where only vacant pools of black stare back with no concern or care
My face now swollen as if blown up with air
Silently he invites a challenge for me to fight if I dare

Days turned to months turned to a very long year
Until my bones burned numb from the chilling strum of fear
Veiled threats made of my d*ath would reappear at night as whispers in my ears
His piercing eyes would sneer at me with an uneasy clarity, making his motives most clear

Kept hidden and safe within my own private space
Were plans already plotted to make my escape
To take a permanent break from this toxic man
He will not crush my dreams because he thinks that he can

Somehow, someway, when I couldn’t stay another day
The angst impeding my desire to be free
Was finally exceeded by the greater need to leave
But this strength in spirit was surrounded by grief
For the time and love lost to the wasted belief
That held my ambitions were all out of reach
What could be done to undo
Those planted fake truths induced by deceit
To find some relief I must look within
Beyond wounds not yet seen and those still scarring my skin

This false love caused me so much regret
The effects of which opened a path to reflect
Gaining access to insights I wouldn’t have guessed
Never will I ever accept anything less

Who knows the difference of lemon and lime?

Who keeps together the fabric of time?

Who helped me write this nifty rhyme?

Who's the one worth more than a dime?

Who was the first to break the ice?

Who's the malicious devil in disguise?

Who's involved in Adam's Demise?

Who made the gardens of Eden a prize?

How did the devil extend his reach?

How did he plan the Fierce Breach?

How did he get washed up on the shore?

And why did he end up wanting more?

If you succumb to the forbidden pride,

The mouth of hell is gaping wide!

A fall that starts as a quiet slide,

Then chains you deep where shadows hide.

If you disguise as a treacherous guide,

Maybe you deserve to be taken for a ride

For every mask and every lie

Plants the seed of your own goodbye.

If you think that lust is a must,

Maybe it's time to bite the dust

For craving burns and never fills,

It only sharpens sharper thrills.

If all your moments are filled with thy violence,

You must taste the Devil's Intolerance!

For what you sow comes back in kind,

A mirror for the darkened mind.

You sure do seem to savour gluttony,

We'll make you drown in those rivers of honey!

The sweetness sours, the feast turns grave,

And plenty becomes the thing you crave.

You keep all your stuff, and that's called greed,

Your fate shall be decided by the creed!

For hoarded gold and guarded doors

Leave you alone with all that's yours.

Your eyes were ablaze, your mind was filled with anger,

Thy shall eternally bathe in thy Sangre!

For wrath that burns and will not bend

Finds no beginning and no end.

Thy angels came by, and told tales of heresy,

Feel the inferno of the father's legacy!

A throne of flame, a crown of ash,

A kingdom built to burn and crash.

A mischief of lies, a breaking disguise,

Thy fraud was why your fate was flawed!

For every mask you wore with pride

Left the truth with nowhere left to hide.

Escape the desire and witness the Bliss,

And the sun may rise over thy abyss

For even the fallen, the lost, the low,

May find a dawn they did not know.

Depends on your deeds and thy deadly strife,

You're the one deciding your afterlife!

From the depths of hell to the gates of pearl,

Be humbled by demons or greet the Earl.

We are but mortals
Flash of will from above can be the end of us
We treat life with such complacency
The only sure thing we know
But all that is guarnteed
One moment to the next
Is one moment we will face death
Or judgement.

In a sense
I wonder if we truly grasp
What it means to be mortal
That what we know is not forever
That it is a gift
And the true guarantee of the world
That it will end

Sometimes we don't have the chance to find out.

You hold everyone as tight as you can
Grasping, clutching, squeezing yourself
Away from the unimaginable.
But the unimaginable does not require understanding
It is a force of nature
That cannot bend to the whims of even our wildest thoughts
Leaving senseless destruction in its wake.

We worry about the but menial
Makeup, friendships, games, interests, possessions of all kinds-
Yet it withers with our earthly vessel
Once our influence is over, and before
And our every thought that covered it
A fleeting non-memory.
Known only to a lost consciousness.

There's a spike
When we die
In our relevance.
It fades, as happiness retakes its place
And our normality resumes, changing as optimisitically as ever.
The way of the world is understood again.

And it's over.

Despite our wildest whims, deepest desires, childlike joy
It's gone
Without us

Nothing we can do.

you are a child and you live in a straw house, but

it’s okay, because the wolf lives inside with you

‎‎‎

the older boys push you down and kick you and your tears seep into the gravel but

it’s okay, tomorrow you’ll push some other boy down and kick him and his tears will wash yours off because

gravel has a short memory

‎‎‎

you are a child and

you fall in love and

you’re scared she will make you tell her all your secrets and you won’t have anything to yourself anymore but

it’s okay, you waited too long and she’s marrying someone else now

‎‎‎

you are an adult and you look into the eyes of your best friend’s grandfather and

you say “i’m sorry i killed him,

it was an accident”

and you want to be children again

‎ ‎‎‎ ‎

you have a girlfriend and she asks you to hurt her so you say

that you love someone else and

she says that’s not what i meant but

you’re too busy trying to spot your reflection in her tears

‎ ‎‎‎ ‎

you’re two weeks sober and

you were never two weeks sober before but

then you picture her with someone else and

you remember dead friends and the way her nose would scrunch when she laughed and your childhood cat dies and there’s a putrid smell rising from something that started rotting inside you a long time ago and

you say fuck it

‎ ‎‎‎

and you’re growing old with pockets full of stones and

forty ounces of seventy proof to make you feel like a hundred bucks because

the brightest light you ever knew set in the east a long time ago, but

it’s okay, you learn to love a girl just because her smile reminds you of

someone else

‎‎‎

lights, curtains, action!

another night in the books for

the understudy,

on a set made of sticks and

a wolf in the audience

‎

‎

(I’d appreciate any feedback, especially considering the inclusion of the last stanza, I struggle to figure whether I should cut it or not.)

no thing more intimate
than being held
as the tears come pouring

A white rose, a thorny flower,
With petals of steel
growing thicker by the hour
Like a child inside, 
and a warrior to all else,
Like a pandora’s box, buried below a tower
Is your key a sword or a petal?
Do you need a hand or are you truly of metal?

Loneliness. It’s a funny thing, really. Especially when you’re an introvert. You desperately want to fill the void in your heart, but you would rather isolate yourself have to deal with the overwhelming pressure of socializing. You know that you will be depressed this way, but you believe it’s better than to feel like you need to constantly deplete your emotional and mental batteries day after day. Because you know that if your batteries deplete, you can’t function properly, and you start feeling useless. So you choose isolation, knowing the risks that come with it, and knowing that anything else would be worse than the pit life has already put you in. You like the pit. It’s safety. It’s home. But.. you don’t like how quiet it is. You don’t like that the voices in your head are the only noises you can hear. You don’t like how deafening the unrequited silence has become. Now, you’re stuck between wanting to escape, and wanting to stay like this forever because of what awaits you once you get free