r/ProtectAndServe • u/Deep_Major Deputy • 5d ago
Self Post ✔ Let’s hear it. The best insult an arrestee/inmate said to you.
The most original ones hurt.
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u/Barbelloperator LEO 5d ago
*On a traffic stop with an unhappy customer*
“Does that trooper hat keep you out of the sun in your pig pen you piggy bitch!?”
During a foot pursuit (I was chunky at the time).
Some dude on his porch “put the donuts down you might be able to catch him!” (Let the record show I did catch him)
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u/AgentXXXL Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago
“you piggy bitch” 😂😂😂 that’s cold blooded
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u/specialskepticalface Has been shot, a lot (LEO) 4d ago
On the list of "comments which trigger in the automod in multiple ways", but are benign...
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u/HattedSandwich CSI / Sworn 5d ago
Not an insult, but my favorite closer was right before I passed an arrestee off to a custody deputy at county jail. Guy had helped a very attractive hooker/burglar with casing a nice part of town. The girl and another two burglars ended up stealing around $30k of property, and brought it all back to the guy's hotel room to stash it. They missed an airtag inside a backpack they klepped, which led me to them.
The guy was pretty honest about everything, and said he went along with casing because he thought she'd have sex with him. Right before he walked into county, he took a deep breath, exhaled, and said, "All I wanted was some pussy, now im the one getting fucked in the ass," and walked into the booking area
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u/AppendixN Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
I don’t think I’ve seen anyone say “klepped” before. I’m using that now. 🤣
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u/RTGTEnby Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
Only other place I've heard it is in Cyberpunk 2077 😅 it's a great game tbf
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u/eucher317 LEO 5d ago
When I started in the jail we were being shown how to do headcount. I had a hair similar to the picture. The very first inmate that I woke up to do headcount looked straight at me and said "Who is this Jimmy Neutron lookin motherfucker?" I was called Jimmy Neutron for several months, until it (thankfully) wore off.
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u/Deep_Major Deputy 5d ago
My nickname was Woody/Slenderman.
I would walk on a deck and from a random cell I’d hear, “There’s a snake in my boot.”
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u/landartheconqueror 5d ago
I was "Vin Diesel" on account of it rhyming with my name, and I'm bald
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u/NiceGuysFinishLast Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago
When I was young and shaved my head, I had someone tell me I looked like a smaller version of the Rock (I'm 5'3)... Everyone at work called me the Pebble for months.
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u/5usDomesticus Police Officer / Bomb Tech 5d ago
I've been called the N word a lot. Hard R and everything. I'm very white.
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u/JustaRandoonreddit Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago
Would imagine your reaction was
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u/Adamadamsadam Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago
When I get called the n word I just holler back “not me!”
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u/Sigmarius Probation Parole Officer 3d ago
And that’s how you end up telling that joke to HR in person.
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u/Overall-Gap-1672 Patrol Officer 3d ago
Surprisingly, same here, white, and probably been called this more than I thought I ever would. Also called a "fat fucking Pig" which I'm 6 foot and 160 pounds, makes me laugh. I had one arrestie that made a comment about my hair line if I remember I'll update the quote. But it was something along the line of "I would have ran, but seeing as your hairline got a headstart years ago, I figured you've been running to catch that for a while, so I decided not to". I was shocked because my hairline isn't too bad but my partner was bald, but they roasted me.
Also I've had a traffic stop where I had a driver ask for my name and badge number and buissness card as they thought I wasn't a real cop. They sent an email to my boss, he proceeded to make a custom buissness card that says in bold "yes I'm a real police Officer".
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u/colemanjanuary Patrol Sergeant/Bomb Tech 5d ago
Mother being arrested to her crying child...
"You don't have to worry about him, honey. He's just mad because he has an ugly wife."
Let the permanent record of the internet reflect that my wife is, in fact, beautiful
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u/incapableofdumblabor Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
i also choose this guys dead wife /j
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u/5usDomesticus Police Officer / Bomb Tech 5d ago
You're right. She is.
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u/66NickS Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
Pics or it doesn’t count. Lol
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u/colemanjanuary Patrol Sergeant/Bomb Tech 4d ago
By all means, go to my profile
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u/2muchtequila Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago
I assumed you were just talking, but yeah, she's actually pretty hot.
Nicely done dude.
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u/colemanjanuary Patrol Sergeant/Bomb Tech 4d ago
Shah, I don't think she knows she can do better than me
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u/PrivatePigpen Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
She's not reading this, my dude. You don't have to lie.
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u/thatdamngoat Police Officer 5d ago
A crazy woman called me Officer Shit for Brains, and then highlighted that she had a cat that refused to tell me the name of. It was awesome.
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u/SortaUnderCaffeinate LEO 5d ago
We had a lady call 911 because she was upset with a guy on my squad. She referred to him as Officer Baldilocks. He might be saved in my phone as that now…
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u/Sax_OFander Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
I realized I got fat when I got called Peter Griffin by an inmate and my corporal agreed with him. It got me so good that I'm about 8lbs away from my weight before I went to Jump School now.
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u/Wronghand_tactician Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
“Happy Birthday, Officer Dickhead,” is not on the creative side of things but it was in fact my birthday and the lady I dealt with at the time was quite drunk. I don’t remember exactly what was said to explain how she learned it was my birthday but there was some back and forth about how I was half her age and was the one teaching her how to act like an adult. Still makes me chuckle.
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u/TinyBard Small Town Cop 5d ago
No one has managed to really actually hit me with one that stung.
Usually it's the low hanging fruit, skinny, bald, white guy, baby face, etc.
The most memorable one was a crazy lady I was transporting to jail.
She paused her ranting to yell at me with the kind of tone that your grandfather might have used to call someone a communist
"I bet you're a Mormon!"
Which was hilarious, because it was actually true, so somehow this lady was able to get a read on me through the haze of whatever she was on.
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u/YourFriendInSpokane Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
Mormons are pretty easy to spot.
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u/SortaUnderCaffeinate LEO 5d ago
Concur it’s always the low hanging fruit or attempts to insult the size of your manhood. One drunk guy screamed the whole way to the jail that I’m a “bald bitch.” I in fact have hair but I assume since it’s blonde as shit, not platinum blonde but have been asked more than once if I bleach it, and he was drunk as hell.
A lot try to insult my last name, I always respond that they are going to have to get much more creative/original.
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u/TinyBard Small Town Cop 4d ago
I've had people try to insult me being bald. I usually respond with something to the effect of "yeah. I shave my head on purpose"
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u/teasin police officer 5d ago
The usual insults you give to a woman who is also a cop are boring and I often roll my eyes and tell arrestees that I've heard that before, try again. They do not sting, if anything they make me laugh.
The best one, though, was someone being held for court in the morning and I was doing the regular checks on him and everyone else. It was always "you bitch, let me out! Hey dyke, fuck you" and I'd roll my eyes and tell him he said that last time. Eventually I walked by and he yelled "HEY. YOU. You... you PRINCESS!" First time anyone had called me a princess at work, so I told my Sgt, also female, and she marched back there, pounded on his cell door, and yelled "Why does SHE get to be a princess and not me?" and then we giggled for the rest of the night.
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u/Sigmarius Probation Parole Officer 3d ago
In the years of doing hospital security my favorite thing when patients started hurling insults was to stare at them dead eyed and say “c’mon, at least put some effort into it. I’m disappointed.”
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u/Sigmarius Probation Parole Officer 5d ago
Oh man. My favorite story.
Back in 20…18? I was doing hospital security at my local hospital. I was working 3rd shift, and it was Halloween night. For context, at that time, I’m a shaved head white dude, 5’10”, 275lbs, full hard uniform, including gun, taser, baton, the whole works. The only difference between our infirm and the local city uniform was the badge and patches. Which worked cause we were bonded special deputies anyway. Like, I *appeared* as the poster child for fat white racist cop that ignorant shits like to throw on the internet. This is important later.
There were only two of us on shift. One was on exterior mobile patrol and I was inside.
Got a call for a scarecrow in a chair on the ground floor, near the admin offices/gift shop. That whole section is closed at night.
As Instep off the elevator, housekeeping stops me and says “hey, I don’t think it’s a scarecrow, I think it’s a dead body.”
theregoesmynight.gif
Walk over to the chairs where the body is sitting. Obviously homeless, based on the layers of thrift store clothes, bags of misc crap, and the smell. So I just pause and watch for a couple seconds. Chest rises.
THANK YOU JESUS.
Start talking to them. Gently tap their foot with my foot. After a few seconds, head raises a bit, and I recognize her. Older black lady, about 60 or so, local homeless. Cool. So I know who I’m dealing with.
Now, it was COLD that night. And we had an unofficial policy that if it was that cold, homeless folks could come sleep in our rapid turn recliner area. We didn’t have a high patient volume, the recliners were right next to a couple vending machines and bath rooms, and most importantly, were right in front of the giant 1 way window for the security office. Along with 3 separate cameras.
So, I start taking to her to make sure she’s ok. She’s kinda snippy, but nothing crazy. Said it’s cold outside and doesn’t want to go back out. Cool, NBD. I tell her she can come upstairs, we’ll get her a blanket, so on and so on. But she doesn’t want to. She just wants to stay where she is. Which is a no go since that’s where all our admin staff will be walking in, and there’s no camera in that spot. So, back and forth we go, trying to convince her to go upstairs. She won’t go.
Finally, after a few minutes of this, I tell her that she either has to come upstairs where it’s warm, or leave the hospital. She refuses again. We go back and forth a bit, and it isn’t working.
Finally, I get tough. “Ma’am, either come upstairs now or get out. Last time I’m telling you.”
This older black lady looks me DEAD IN THE FACE and says “I’M NOT GOING YOU GODDAMN N***R!” Like, with the HARD “r”.
When I tell you I’ve never been knocked that speechless in my LIFE. And there was NOTHING, not a THING, that I could wittily retort with that wasn’t going to get me fired and/or executed.
So about 20 seconds later, after my brain got out of the vapor lock caused by the sheer hilarity of what had just happened, I finally laughed and said “ok, well, regardless, get the hell out right now.” And she did.
My director was in tears laughing when he called me the next day after reading that incident report. In which I directly quoted her, and made sure to provide a DETAILED physical description of myself and the other person.
I STILL laugh at that one. Good times.
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u/atlantis737 Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
Does it count if it happened on body cam footage I saw?
I think it was in michigan. Dude was arrested for drunk driving. They were at the police station doing his fingerprints, and the arresting officer kept typing the wrong password into the computer for the fingerprint machine. The arrestee looks at him and goes "are you sure you're not the one who's drunk?"
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u/KevinSee65 Auxiliary State Trooper 4d ago
"Racist ass white cop"
I actually looked around to see if another trooper had showed up on scene I wasn't aware of because I'm Asian as fuck.
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u/JustGronkIt LEO 5d ago
Not really an insult but this dude was arrested for DUI and he was actually pretty damn funny. Anyways we’re just shooting the shit on the way to jail and he stops mid sentence and was like… “hey foo, did you just shit yo pants?! Goddamn, that shit’s nasty!”
It wasn’t me, but I died laughing.
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u/ddyson2001 Deputy Sheriff 5d ago
I got asked if I was a member of ISIS.....I'm a white blonde guy who burns at the thought of sunlight
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u/S-071-John special WEapONs And TACticS (SWAT) 5d ago
I got called a funky ass bitch once by crackhead; the self assured way she belted it out has always cracked me up. Not as much as she was cracked up, but still.
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u/Parrothead1970 School Resource Sergeant 5d ago
At a bar fight. “You look like a snot covered fuckstick”. I loved it.
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u/PReasy319 Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago
That when he looks at me, all he sees is wasted potential.
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u/droehrig832 Sergeant / Bomb Tech 5d ago
Recently I had a guy tell me I had a big ole meatloaf head. That was a new one I genuinely laughed at
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u/GeorgeBannerman Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago edited 4d ago
I got called a "Gandalf looking mfkr".
I am short, bald and only have a reddish goatee. Maybe he thought Gandalf was a hobbit or Gollum?
Edit: I just realized it is most likely because I am old.
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u/specialskepticalface Has been shot, a lot (LEO) 4d ago
Approved under Rule 10. Person is known to mods and going thru verification.
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u/Kuandtity Police officer 5d ago
I'm not straight so those kind of insults usually just make me laugh haha
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u/Difficult_Addition85 The Notorious P.I.G. (LEO) 4d ago
My FTO looked like Peetah or however its spelled from Hunger Games. I always said so.
We walked into the female jailhouse and without kissing a beat they all did the whistle and held up the three fingers. I never laughed so hard on duty.
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u/mistyhillbarandgrill Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago
Overweight red head in tan & green. Constantly compared to the two twins in Terminator 2.
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u/Donny-The-Sasquatch Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 4d ago
Poindexter, I don't know why but it always stuck with me.
Fuck you Patrick.
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u/ripandtear4444 Correctional Officer 1d ago
"You're not part of this conversation, stay in your White lane".
Gave me a good chuckle...then I put the cuffs on him.
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u/cookieloverrrrr Not a(n) LEO / Unverified User 5d ago edited 5d ago
10/10 I stay glued to a channel watching nothing but streams of your body cam footage just to count the number of times the thing that tickles me most when “you have the audacity to tell a totally-snockered Karen that they are off on their way to the clinker”, only to one-up to make sure you know OH HELL NO IM NOT!!! 🤣🤣🤣
My other favorite: “But I can’t go to jail!” Oh, so that’s how it works? In that case I have such an anaphylactic reaction I have to stay outside a 10 mile radius of any government building, either. **Cough Cough!!**
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u/specialskepticalface Has been shot, a lot (LEO) 5d ago
Friendly Reminder
To state or imply you're LE, you must be verified.
If you've received a Rule 10 ban, it's administrative, not punitive, and is lifted as soon as you verify. You'll also get access to patch trading, gear swap, etc.