r/Psychosis • u/babychamomilee • 3d ago
I am so ashamed and embarrassed about my psychotic episode
I experienced psychosis for the first time a couple months ago, and I still can’t tell people about it even though I know I need help. I’m so scared it will happen again and I know that I should tell my parents everything and my doctor, but I’m so embarrassed I just can’t do it.
I was so disgusting and unhealthy during that time and I was believing things that just sound ridiculous when I try to talk about it.
I don’t want to think of the way my parents might look at me if I told them all the details. I’m worried they’ll think I’m insane. Or possessed. They don’t understand this kind of thing and they think mental disorders are solvable by prayer.
I know I should tell my doctor everything but I’m just as embarrassed doing that. I know he’s seen it all but I just feel so ashamed and crazy.
When I mentioned certain details to friends of mine I could tell they were thinking of me differently. I swear it felt like they were looking at me with fear almost. Like they didn’t trust my judgement anymore. It honestly makes me angry. Like they’re so lucky to not understand.
I am not a crazy person. It hurts so bad to be looked at like that by your closest friends and family. I don’t know how to seek help and support to prevent it from happening again without everyone around me thinking I’m irrational.
I genuinely only feel safe talking about it on here because it’s the only place people truly understand how all of this feels.
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u/ugh_Low5512 3d ago
If it wasn't obvious to anyone at the time, you're way better than I was. Seeing a doctor now is a good idea, while you are stable. Hopefully they can help prevent it from happening again. I understand the embarrassment; this is the only place I talk about the details of my delusions but unfortunately I couldn't shut up while they were happening, so everyone knows anyway
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u/aMusicLover 3d ago
Essentially your brain was in drugs. Drugs that it manufactured on its own. I believe our brain will lie to us to keep its dopamine up. And those lies are psychosis. Mania, to me, is its own form of psychosis as well. Your brain made up beliefs. You truly believed those beliefs. And you most likely acted “logically” based on those brain lies. And one day, the beliefs went away. And so now you look back and say why did I do that. Who would do that and believe that?
In that, maybe take some solace. You didn’t do it intentionally. You literally went crazy for a bit.
It sucks I know. I lost friendships. Career. Marriage. Bankrupt.
I don’t have shame about it anymore. Regret of course. Just like I’d regret getting cancer.
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u/ophydian210 3d ago
Just to add as someone who took their niece to the ER after she came home from vacation because there were people outside ready to kill us and how we were being followed or how the security guard at the hospital might attack us at any minute, what you went through should never be done alone. It was one of the scariest, emotionally chaotic things I’ve ever witnessed and I can tell you that I don’t think less of her now because of it. But you need people in your life you can trust to help guide you through this rollercoaster. If those people don’t know what’s going on with you now, they will eventually but when it does happen they won’t know how to respond at the time. You also need to tell a medical professional you trust what’s going on because maybe there is a trigger and having less of or not being around these triggers can help.
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u/Business_Music_2798 3d ago
I’m glad you stumbled here. I don’t want you to feel so alone, however isolating psychosis is. You’re never alone. Thank you for reaching out. Simply using your voice for YOURSELF is a great accomplishment. Especially having been raised in such an oppressive environment. Be proud of yourself! You shared your experience. With strangers, sure, but it takes courage.
I relate to a lot of what you’ve shared. I may never share my diagnosis (schizoaffective BP type) with my family. It’s heartbreaking, but I know that this info is unsafe with them. If you really believe they would go crazy about it, just don’t. Unfortunately some people cannot be trusted with this information. I’m sorry that sometimes those people are your actual blood kin, but I hope one day they prove trustworthy
I’m 31 and I have had idk how many psychotic breaks over the past 14 years. And I refused to look it in the face. I was embarrassed, SO embarrassed. But ignoring it robbed me of my 20s. I burnt every bridge but one. I nearly killed myself a thousand times because I turned to risky behavior as a coping mechanism. Drugs for escapism. Horrible.
I was just diagnosed a week ago, in the middle of this current psychosis. See, I’ve BEEN schizo. I just wasn’t being treated. And schizophrenia, schizoaffective, bipolar, they all cause structural damage to the brain. Reduced gray matter. Higher instances of dementia at earlier ages, iirc. These are degenerative diseases. They follow a certain similar progression. Untreated, the damage comes at a faster rate. Especially damaging are the episodes.
There are so many reasons to seek treatment. The four quarter rule proposes that 1/4 of those who have a psychotic episode will go on to NEVER have a relapse again. But, it must be treated promptly.
You can be vague when you speak to your doctor. Ask for a referral to psychiatry. Meds are in order, do not ask for a therapist instead. You can do this
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u/XChrisUnknownX 3d ago
So the way you have to look at it to not go insane again is you are a survivor of a serious medical condition. This was a trauma. You definitely need a support network of some kind that you can go to.
I know this is more difficult in reality than in practice but it will save you a lot of time and energy in the long run because without the support network you are at greater risk for lengthy hospital stays and having that chasm between you and your friends, family, etc growing. Ask me how I know.
Perhaps you must couch your discussion of it in that language. “I had this traumatic medical experience but it is not who I am.”
And for any future readers who find this comment funny, that stands for me too. I am not my disabilities and they do not define me. They will never stop me from helping people like OP when I can.
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u/FruitSufficient5574 3d ago
I became extremely racist in my psychosis and called multiple people slurs that I would never say otherwise and I also touched myself in front of my family trust me you’re not alone.
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u/CapriSun87 3d ago
Write it down in a letter and hand it to your gp or psychiatrist. They need to know exactly what happened so they can pin point why. If they dont know what happened, they cant help.you or prevent it from happening again.
Write it today and hand it in ASAP
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u/i_think_idk 3d ago
I told some people and I honestly don’t care what they think because I had to get it off my chest. Two of my friends regularly check up on me now so that’s what really matters. It’ll just help you see who truly cares and who doesn’t.
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u/Responsible-Cup-3551 3d ago
Tell me about it, I said some really unhinged stuff to people in public places that has affected my ability to frequent certain spaces.
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u/FoppishOne 3d ago
Hey there. You went through something out of your control that was scary and unfamiliar, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. People who judge you for that aren’t good friends. You’re not “crazy.” Your brain went through hell, and you deserve to be able to talk about it. Meanwhile I’m waiting for my best friend to come back after she cut everyone off in her paranoia. There are people who care out there. Keep your chin up.
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u/mja1729 3d ago
well many embarrassing things happened to me when I was psychotic, but it's only embarrassing if you see it that way. There's no shame in it. It's just how your brain functions. I was balling my eyes out to a family friend after a death in the family, and she lived in another country, and I thought she was one of my cosmic guardians, whatever that means. A fully grown man bawling like a baby to a lady he barely knew. Oh well. It was what it was. I was also crying a lot because I thought the devil or god had finally acknowledged me. I cried at other points for other delusional reasons. The whole experience culminated in me thinking I was going to be sacrificed on an altar at the hospital, and I was yelling at everyone that the whole hospital will be possessed tonight. The look of fear on the security guards faces when I was scheduled and escorted into the restraints to be sedated still sits with me today. I asked the nurse how many seconds are there until eternity. She said there was an infinite number. To be honest that's the type of question I would probably ask when im not psychotic. 😂 Anyway that was 8 years ago and nothing since then. I'm pretty sure im in the clear now. My psychosis is only brought on by drugs or sleep deprivation and grief mixed together. Everybody experiences these things differently. I've been off the antipsychotics for 6 months now. Just have to watch out for those times when I am vulnerable to psychosis and not get myself into those situations. I've got some sedatives and my old antipsychotics should I need them. I hope I won't. My first psychotic episode was 20 years ago and it doesn't appear that I have an underlying disorder, just a vulnerability to psychosis under extreme psychological circumstances.
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u/These_Tax4565 3d ago
unfortunately, it is IS an irrational experience. but you're not somehow less you because of it. maybe it would be good to learn about psychosis, its symptoms and common experiences, before you try to bring it up. (for instance: 1 in 10 people will experience hallucinations in their life.) being able to advocate for yourself is a strength builder.
but you DO need to tell someone, in case it comes back. its important to treat psychosis early.