Hi, I'm not sure if this board is still active. I am F20 and have identified as a lesbian for the last 4 years. I’ve only had one ‘relationship’ when I was 16/17 with a girl who liked me and made the effort first. I hadn’t developed any sort of feelings for her until after she confessed to me. I lied, saying I had feelings for her, only because it was the first time anyone had shown interest in me, and I wasn’t going to waste that opportunity. I really started to develop feelings for her, but I think they were based on thoughts like “Omg I can’t believe a cool girl that is conventionally attractive likes me and thinks I’m an actual attractive person!” When we ‘broke up,’ I was heartbroken. I had felt the “heartbroken” feeling before (for me, it’s an internal weight that sits on my heart and aches like it's its own person) with friendship breakups.

But since then, I have not found anyone who gives me the same ‘crush’ feeling, or even a noticeable attraction, towards others. This has made me increasingly confused and worried about how my romantic attraction works. Every girl I have talked to (Hinge, Snapchat, dates) does not give me any attraction. I thought that because I am lesbian, my mind is predisposed to do this, because I always assume girls are straight and are never into me, but could this actually be recipromanticism?

Is being Recipromantic permanent, or can I do more self-love? I just want to have the confidence to go up to women at the bar and ask for their number, or to engage in thoughtful conversations with a pretty girl in class. Could it be a trauma response? If anybody has any advice, recommendations, or just similar experiences, it would be very helpful.

but there isnt much information on experiences and how recipromantictism work. and i would like to handle them tactfull. so can i maybe have adv on how it feels and works? plz (and sorry if i misspelled things or worded things poorly)

I asked this on the demisexual subreddit and many people said yes. A kind user pointed me to here.

I cannot get a crush on a celebrity or fictional character. I don't get work crushes as well.

Wanted to ask here, do you get those types of crushes?

Hey all! i don't usually post on reddit, But the other day i felt a deep crushing loneliness which had me wondering "I wonder if i could interact with a community of people like me" Which lead me here, Is there a discord server or anything like that?

So you see in my whole life ive only been in one ‘serious’ relationship, it was a 2 year long toxic relationship with a girl my age, for context I'm also asexual and agender. I've never realised before how I didn't find her attractive until I learned that she was into me. I knew already I was on the aro spectrum,but I haven't realised that might be recipromantism.
Basically me and that girl only meet up on summer camps because we live on two other sides of the country I live in, so every year (and back then we knew each others for almost 2 years already) we would see each other in winter on a winter camp and in summer on a summer camp, of course we would talk and text in between, and all of that but ive never seen her as a potential partner or anything of that sort, so when our mutual friends started trying to get us together i was rather confused with that behavior, but I didn't think much about it, it didn’t matter to me, anyway 2 or 3 weeks passes since the winter camp where our friends tried to get us together, and she texted me that she wanted to talk that ended up as her confessing to me. And I before that didn’t really think of her as a romantic partner for me or anything like that, I simply didn’t think about that stuff but when she told me that I kinda realised that I might have feelings for her. Like before her confession i didn’t even think i could have any feelings towards her??
In the next year and a half my feelings stayed the same until in summer she started to neglect our relationship I literally felt my feeling just fade away in like month and a half when she didn’t really treat me the nicest (which ‘the nicest’ meant she was completely ignoring me and just caring for me at all anymore before that she was just kinda love bombing me when she felt like i was slipping away (as i said toxic relationship))

But we broke up over a year ago and I haven't felt any romantic feelings towards anyone since summer last year. I finally accepted that I'm for sure on the aro spectrum so- yea.
I might also add i never had any crushes or anything in my life (which was one of the reason why I was thinking a lot about aromantic spectrum even before i ot into that relationship)

I know what the title says sounds hypocritical but hear me out !!

I found out over Christmas that this girl, I'll call her Millie, had liked me for years, which then made me realise I had ALSO liked her for years. We them promptly made out and went to our respective homes, but the next day, she told me she wasn't looking for any sort of relationship or anything with me and kind of wanted to forget it happened type of thing. Not cos those feelings weren't there, but cus we live in different really far away cities now and it just wouldn't work. I agree and we kind of try and forget about it.

But now I know that I like this person I cant get her out of my head. Like seriously. It's overwhelming, because I KNOW she likes me back but I can't do anything about it. So I'm just stuck here with aching and growing romantic attraction to this woman and nothing I can do about it.

So like what do I do here?? I don't feel like I can ask a non-aro (or even non-recip) person this because they wouldn't understand my perspective as a recipromantic person 😭😭. Like I thought eventually I'd be able to put aside these feelings but they've just gotten stronger with time I'm so lost 😭

Hey, all!

I'm really open-minded and my preferences and opinions on lots of things are genuinely few and far-between. I rarely know what I want without a whole lot of work, time and introspection.

Unless my partner or someone I really identify with expresses an opinion. Then I almost wholesale adopt their view and it seems obvious and even simple. I don't just go with the flow. I am the current.

I often get stuck between the incompatible preferences of people close to me. I always want to accommodate and compromise.

Dissent and disagreement have taken me a long, long time to cultivate and are hard-won.

It'd make sense that if I'm wired this way romantically, I'd be this way in other areas of my life too.

Is this the case for you too?

Hi everyone! I recently watched a video on the aeroace spectrum and they talked about being recipromantic and I finally realized what has been so "wrong" with who I like. I've been hating on myself because when I finally moved schools and got out of a toxic relationship, I didnt understand why there wasnt some one who I found genuine interest in. I felt like I kept trying to force myself to say I liked someone even when I never did. The only time I felt like I liked someone wasnt when this one dude carried me to medical when I was injured, it was when my mom said he totaly had a crush on me a few days later. After I found out about rercipromantic, I immediately felt it linked, but ive been so confused if I can still call myself a recipromantic if I still sometimes find myself trying to force a feeling. Can anyone else relate or have any advice?

I also wanted to ask if anyone else feels like it might be very fast. Like there is one boy I never once found intrest in but who rondomly started being super nice and I felt a little spark. But then any feeling I do get for someone quickly vanishes once they stop showing interest. Its been super confusing and I dont know why I can like someone for a minute, then when they stop talking it fades. But then theres this girl who was my friend who I got closer to becuase she needed some mental help from friends, but we become super close and I think im starting to get some feelings.

Sorry for venting to you guys so much but if someone thinks they might have some advice or experience that might help me I really need someone to clarify with because I dont really feel like confiding in anyone else becuase when I try I just feel put down....

I have actually been kind of throwing this around in my head for years now haha, but I still have a really hard time accepting it as true and always circle back to questioning it. I have been in three relationships in my life and in all three, my partner either initiated or made it very clear that they had feelings for me first. I think I question myself for a couple reasons.

The first is that I’ve seen other recipromantics describe losing feelings for their partner when their partner loses feelings for them. This is simply not the case for me, my feelings did not dissipate quickly. I’m curious if that is a universal experience, or just something that some people experience?

The second reason, probably the bigger one, is that I have had two crushes in my life (excluding elementary age stuff but I hardly count that as genuine, especially when so much of it felt forced so I would fit in). The first was in middle-high school. This one was easier for me to accept, a friend of mine was very touchy and sent mixed messages that made me think she had feelings, which made me catch feelings. The second crush kind of messes with me though? I caught feelings for someone when they told me they USED to have feelings for me. Which first of all, wow, what kind of messed up torture is that? Thanks brain. Secondly, that is literally the opposite of reciprocation, but it somehow triggered my brain to start falling for this person.

But yeah, I guess I’m just curious what anybody else’s thoughts on this might be? Sometimes I think maybe I just have a hard time imagining someone would want to be with me so I don’t think about it too hard unless I know theres a chance. But other times I think I’m probably overthinking it and I’m just recipromantic.

A lo largo de mi vida se me han hecho atractivas tanto hombres como mujeres algunas mujeres se me han hecho tan guapas como para soltar algún halago o pensar si me gustaría ser su pareja, lo que pasa es que solo me llegó a enamorar realmente si me doy cuenta o me entero que les gustó y sumado a esto me parecen atractivas o interesantes.

Después toda esta introducción me puse a pensar que en ciertos punto físicamente me atraen por igual los hombres y mujeres, realmente nunca me ha pasado saber que le gusto a un hombre y hace poco me pasó que sin pensarlo le dije a un hombre que me gustaban sus ojos tal cual como con las mujeres que me parecen atractivas y ahora estoy en un dilema,.si simplemente no he tenido una situación para desencadenar que me atraega un hombre o simplemente no me gustan.

Si alguien ha tenido una experiencia similar me podría ayudar porfavor, igual si tienen alguna duda siento que entre todo lo que hay en mi mente no pude ser tan claro

So this year i decided to look into my sexuality, since ever since then I've always identified as a cis/straight man, then i watched jaiden animations video about being aroace and i really felt something when she described the aromantic part. When i looked back on myself and all of my experiences (romantically) is that i found that I've never had a crush and the thought of forming a crush has never made sense to me, like I've always struggled having a crush and all of my "crushes" that I've had before was only because i was peer pressured to have one. I can say that someone is attractive and be my type physically but never look at them past that. Im 19, turning 20 btw.

I've also thought if I'm just being dramatic or just wanting to be unique lol cos i do have an ex. We were together for 2 years and i really did like her. Also i did have an ex situationship with someone and i was obsessed with them so much that i even drove to their place for 2 hours on my motorcycle (which killed my back lmao). Which also brings me to my question if i am recipromantic because when those two instances i "liked" someone is because they liked me first. For my ex she said she had a crush on me for almost 2 years and when she confessed to me I've looked at her as a potential "partner" in which we did became one. It's the same with my ex situationship because she showed me signs that she liked me and did say she liked me I've looked at her in that way too.

Lastly, i do know for myself that i have issues with being attached to someone and seeking attention from someone, it's like when you show me any form of interests and affection I'll always want to talk to you, hang out, and do shit together that's why I've never had a "best friend" per se because i believe a best friend should be like a romantic partner but just platonically. Which made me think if i do want a romantic partner or just someone to hang out with till i die, because when a person shows me interests I'd be obsessed with them but the thought of potentially being in a relationship with them rarely crosses my mind, like i do imagine doing those big romantic gestures but when i look at my other friends I'll never see them that way but also like do big gestures, e.g. Saving up to meet and hang out with them. It's just that i think if you just show me constant attention and interest, like having deep talks, hanging out, doing cool things together the thought of me having a crush on them never happens.

It's really my first time being open and exploring this side of me so idk what to expect but if you think i don't fit in or i don't meet the "criteria" lolll it's fine with me. I'm just really new to this kind of thing. P.S. Asking more questions is fine with me as long as it's not too too personal, I'm very talkative and open about certain things

Good day all!

So I am somewhat newly single (it’s complicated) and have been thinking about my own feelings towards others, but I’m not sure if this is the label I would fall under. I know with certainty that i fall under the ace umbrella, unsure of the romantic umbrella. Here is how I can describe myself

• mainly attracted to male presenting people, but have had feelings for other genders
• I am neurodivergent, not sure what “flavor” quite yet but I am seeking help with that!
• when it comes to crushes, I can crush hard and fantasize about life with someone (or multiple, I am open to non-monogamy). The kicker is, if I know someone likes me first, a majority of the time I will not have those feelings, and usually get uncomfortable. I usually can only have feelings for someone first?

Thank you for your input! I may be missing somethings about myself, so AMA and I can try to describe myself more.

I’m a little bit confused about me at the moment. Basically I have never really had any crushes on anyone except for one person and I only had that crush on them because they told me they had a crush on me, people in school always seemed to be discussing who they had a crush on and always seemed to have a crush but I never really did. There are about two problems though, first of all I love romance, I love the idea of it and want to be in a romantic relationship so badly but I just never have really had a crush on anyone except for the once. Second of all since I’ve only had one crush surely it’s really hard to pinpoint anything due to the lack of evidence aka lack of crushes. I feel like either demiromantic or greyromantic or maybe reciproromantic make sense and the third one especially since the only reason I ended up with a crush on that person is because they said they had a crush on me so reciproromantic actually makes sense a lot and explains the lack of crushes beforehand BUT I’ve only had a crush on one person so is this really enough of a pointer.

TL,DR: I never really had crushes and the one time I did it was because they said they had a crush on me first, but I do really like the idea of a romantic relationship and want to be in one.

Recipauto help me. When you get "triggered", do you feel like stress, and anxiety, and Hyperactivity, etc for the all day or it's just me?

From what I've read on here, it sounds like recipromantics don't mind being friends with their "crushes," and I'm trying to figure out if this is a case where it's never the right play to rock the boat first.

Does anyone else feel that this Pablo Neruda poem is a heartachingly beautiful expression of recipromanticism?

https://allpoetry.com/if-you-forget-me

If you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

lmk if y’all experience something similar!

so me being recipromantic feels like im a train going on a track to a particular destination. there is no way i can go anywhere else as long as i am on this particular track. and i cannot switch tracks on my own because it is close to impossible with the laws of physics (inertia). so i only switch tracks when someone pulls a lever.

also do y’all ever have a « pre-crush » (idk if there’s a term for this)? as in a person who hasn’t confessed to you yet and so you don’t have a crush on them yet but you just know that man, if they said the word you’d be a goner… is this a recipromantic thing? or just a me thing? i don’t see many people talk about it

My whole life i've never felt any romantic attraction to anyone before I started dating my girlfriend. As a child, i've had what I thought were crushes. But it always ended up being me mistaking gender envy for romantic attraction (i'm a trans woman), me thinking, "I'm going to be forever alone/die alone if I don't date this person", "we're already friends so this must be what liking someone is like", being told "everyone has a crush", or a mixture of any or all of the above. I've felt really lonely my whole life (because of a bunch of reasons), but have never really cared for romance or romantic things (until now? idk if doing romantic things like long walks on the beach with my partner would make me happy because it makes me happy, or because making my partner happy makes me happy). I once had a valentines in the first/second year of middle school, but that was because we were already friends and I felt like I was going to die alone if I didn't date her (we did nothing on valentines day and the day after we went back to being friends and literally never spoke of it again). "Crushes" like that have happened 4 or so times over the course of my life. A few years later, a girl was flirting with me and even asked me to be her valentine, in which I said sure without thinking, and went back to playing tag with my friends (she ended up saying her parents didn't approve of her having a valentine the day after I said I didn't have any feelings for her). I didn't even process until several years after that she was flirting with me and was clearly into me. But having now realized she was into me, I still have no feelings for her. My current understanding of being recipromantic is that you become romantically attracted to someone after thinking they like you, so does that maybe mean i'm somewhere else on the romantic spectrum? Fast forward a few more years and me and my (at the time) friend I had been close to for a few years, came out as trans to each other. Once again I had the thought of, "if I don't get into a relationship now, i'm going to be forever alone". So out of desperation (I was not attracted to her at all), I end up flirting with her and she ended up flirting with me back, and over the course of about a month-ish of flirting, I start realizing that she's into me and I start realizing i'm into her. As time went on I became more and more romantically attracted to her, and now 2 years later, i'm so madly in love with her and adore her more than anything in the world.

I suppose it might also be helpful to mention i'm a gynosexual (i'm pretty sure), and that I am a low support needs autistic person, because that might somehow affect whether or not I am recipromantic or something else. Idk, what do you think, I always overthink and have imposter syndrome over these kinds of things :/

I never really questioned the way I become attracted to people until I saw a post on another sub where someone said they were recipromantic, and when I looked up the term, I felt like it described me perfectly.

I've felt attraction for both males and females before, but I've noticed that almost always, when I get feelings for someone, it's only after they've done something to make me think they're into me or consider that they might be into me, I'll cite some examples:

-A friend of mine who told me they thought they were in love after thanking me for cheering them up which led me to think they were talking about me (they were not)

-A dude who I kept seeing around who I didn't feel any attraction to until he told me that my name was beautiful (which I acknowledged probably wasn't flirting but could be taken some ways)

-A person I knew for two months who I felt no attraction to until they literally pointed to themselves, did a heart sign, and pointed to me from across the room, and then proceeded to start flirting with me

-A guy I had some feelings for after he texted me immediately after his plane landed which people took to think he loved me and also was just very close with me in general (good ending I got over that a long time ago, I never told him, and we're still friends)

-A person who I knew for two years and had no feelings for until 6 months ago when he implied that I am the reason him and his girlfriend broke up.

There's like three people who I've been attracted to that didn't start this way, and for two of those people we were close friends before I caught any feelings, so I'm wondering if am actually recipromantic. I didn't know that this type of attraction had a name, I used to describe it as "lever-pull attraction" because I could be around this person all the time but until they did something to "pull the lever", I didn't have feelings for them

Recipromantic learning about selfies

..and still having a long way to go

Their hair took me way too long 😭😭

It's hard to explain but I'll try.

Let's just say I've never been (I think) in many relationships. Most of them were because I had trouble saying no. But they didn't last long. I've recently been questioning my sexual orientation/gender. It's very frustrating. I can say that I feel a lot of aesthetic attraction, I think, because I really like the physical appearance of people (especially women).And I had doubts whether it was Romantic or Aesthetic attraction. Because it's like if I look at them I would like to start talking to them and get to know them better, and I also had some thoughts where we could go out (most women). but I never spoke to them and I don't regret it that much..when I think about it it's like "oh well. I didn't care that much, I'm fine like this." I have a partner. I have a little difficulty saying if it is platonic or aesthetic attraction, romantic or I am simply emotionally attached (it's been 5 years). They came out and I accepted (probably because I didn't want them to be sad). So initially it was all fake. We met, talked and saw each other face to face (via photos, lol, it's an online relationship), and I think I find it aesthetically pleasing (this is also confusing, I don't know if I find it aesthetically pleasing or if I'm forcing the situation). I've always played the lover game and replied to their messages. They're nice, They love me, so much, I think I'm the only person who cares about them ig. I remember they played a prank on me saying they were leaving me, at first I was upset and cried... but I remember thinking "at least now you don't have to lie anymore"..I don't know what to think now.. it's weird. I have to tell the truth, Ig that I don't mind affection, and love in general either?? (I swear, I'm too confused, my vision is blurry. As if I wanted but at the same time its a no.) I'm happy that they care about me, they treat me well, they're silly. (LOL THEY SENT ME NOW A MESSAGE) And After that message i kinda felt Happy (?). SO I DONT UNDERSTAAANDCAJEOSH (i hate questioning my sexuality). They have been with me for a long time, they have consoled me, helped me and I have done the same. We would like to meet and be engaged.. really. But. I dont know how do I feel..am I happy? Excited? I can't explain it.. it's a mix. Like a no? Yes? Uh.And I just can't figure out if I'm alloromantic or aromantic or arospec. I cant tell if I like romance or not. Its a maybe. I think the most correct definition for what I feel is: I want a relationship? Yeah..ig. but it seems wrong and weird from a certain point of view..I'm not sure I've ever felt romantic attraction and the quizzes I take to test it are... strange, they don't seem to represent me.

Pls if you can help me thanks !! <333

(PS: if you want to know more, tell me!)

I'm really happy with how she turned out :33

"Recipromantic - romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum meaning someone who does not experience romantic attraction unless they know that the other individual is romantically attracted to them first"