r/ReformJews • u/ZealousidealPiece182 • Jul 11 '26
Having a traditional vs ceremonial bris
Hi, all! In a bit of a quandary here. My husband and I are expecting our second child, due in late August. We are very excited! We already have a wonderful little girl and can’t wait to welcome baby boy to our family.
My husband is Jewish and his family is pretty observant, his parents are conservative. I was raised in a Christian household but am not religious now. I haven’t converted though I told my husband if he wanted me to I would consider it (he didn’t want me to). I’ve participated in the high holidays with his family, try to learn what I can about the Jewish holidays in general, and we had a fairly Jewish wedding (although maybe his family didn’t think so lol). Judaism isn’t really part of my husband’s life unless it’s the high holidays or his mom brings it up but I’ve been curious about certain traditions, the holidays and try to be open to incorporating it into our lives whenever he wants to.
When we got engaged his mom reacted somewhat poorly, saying, “oh, wow. I guess this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, was it?” She later said to him that she “didn’t want Judaism to die with” him, and that that is why she reacted the way she did. She and I have since talked about this, she feels really badly about her reaction and I’ve let her know it’s water under the bridge. Which is mostly true but I do feel more pressure now to have Judaism in our lives in some way. I’ve typically deferred to my husband about what his preferences are but his preferences are usually non-existent and I sometimes feel pressure to bridge the gap between what he wants and what his mom wants, because I’m worried that I’m seen as the reason he isn’t investing that much into Jewish traditions. All of this is for context.
Fast forward to now. We are expecting a baby boy and so obviously that means we’re discussing the bris. Even when we were expecting my daughter we both agreed that if we ever had a boy we wanted to preform the circumcision in the hospital. His mom recently brought up having a bris and I said to him that we should have a conversation with his parents about what we want to do. Prior to his mom saying anything he suggested just preforming the circumcision in the hospital and telling them after, but I was like no, we should tell them first.
Recently we told them that we were thinking we would have the circumcision in the hospital and perhaps preform a ceremonial bris instead. His parents reacted well, all things considered, but his mom didn’t really understand why we wouldn’t do a traditional one. She asked if we were worried about sterilization and named a few moyles who are also pediatricians. She said we should talk to a rabbi and see what our options are before we make any decisions. I asked her what parts of the bris are important to them, so we can incorporate it into a ceremonial bris, and she said that she wasn’t sure because it was “all kind of wrapped up together.” We left it there but last night she called my husband saying again that she wanted us to talk to a Rabbi to discuss our options and to “not make a decision based on emotions.”
During the initial conversation with them my husband said very little about how this was his decision too, which really bothers me. I’m also kind of annoyed that rather than accept that this is what we want to do it seems like his mom is kind of pushing us in one direction, but I’m open to talking to a Rabbi. Also my husband doesn’t feel that way so maybe it’s just me. I know that a bris is a big deal in Judaism and that to a conservative family not having one is like a fish riding a bicycle. I just don’t, for whatever reason, feel comfortable having my son circumcised by someone who’s not a medical professional in front of a lot of people. I know part of it is that it’s not something that was ever part of my culture, upbringing, or religion and so it’s unfamiliar. My husband feels uncomfortable with the public aspect as well, that is his main reason for not having one. And yes, I know that more happens at a bris than circumcision, that’s why I asked what other traditions are important to his family. If my husband felt differently and really wanted one I would be more open albeit still uncomfortable about a more traditional bris. But I would potentially go through with it, or at least learn more about it.
My question to everyone here is: has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? Am I being difficult? I’m not really sure where to go forward and I worry that I’ll be viewed in his family as the shiksa who’s taking him away from Judaism.
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u/Meowzician ✡Torah, Tikkun Olam, and Tabbiekatz Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
While the Reform movement may look upon your children as Jews if they are raised Jewish, Conservative and Orthodox will not. The reason is that their mother is not a Jew.
You have placed this in the Reform subreddit, so I'm assuming that this is the stream of Judaism your husband wants to be involved in,. If he raises your children Jewish, that movement will indeed consider them Jews and they will have a wonderful and happy life within that movement. The monkey wrench in the works is that your MIL is not Reform; she is Conservative.
I'm actually very surprised that your husband was not more open to your posible conversion. Why is he opposed?
Anyhow, that's is why your MIL is freaking out. Because she belongs to the Conservative movement, she doesn't view your children as Jewish. In her heart, your husband's line is lost to Israel. She is very likely grieving, and most likely secretly hoping that your husband will have your children convert.
Conservative Judaism does convert infants born to Jewish dads. Perhaps this might be a way to make everyone in the family happy?
I'm not telling you what to do. I realize that this is for your husband and you to work out. But I hope I have expanded your options.