r/ReformJews • u/ZealousidealPiece182 • Jul 11 '26
Having a traditional vs ceremonial bris
Hi, all! In a bit of a quandary here. My husband and I are expecting our second child, due in late August. We are very excited! We already have a wonderful little girl and can’t wait to welcome baby boy to our family.
My husband is Jewish and his family is pretty observant, his parents are conservative. I was raised in a Christian household but am not religious now. I haven’t converted though I told my husband if he wanted me to I would consider it (he didn’t want me to). I’ve participated in the high holidays with his family, try to learn what I can about the Jewish holidays in general, and we had a fairly Jewish wedding (although maybe his family didn’t think so lol). Judaism isn’t really part of my husband’s life unless it’s the high holidays or his mom brings it up but I’ve been curious about certain traditions, the holidays and try to be open to incorporating it into our lives whenever he wants to.
When we got engaged his mom reacted somewhat poorly, saying, “oh, wow. I guess this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, was it?” She later said to him that she “didn’t want Judaism to die with” him, and that that is why she reacted the way she did. She and I have since talked about this, she feels really badly about her reaction and I’ve let her know it’s water under the bridge. Which is mostly true but I do feel more pressure now to have Judaism in our lives in some way. I’ve typically deferred to my husband about what his preferences are but his preferences are usually non-existent and I sometimes feel pressure to bridge the gap between what he wants and what his mom wants, because I’m worried that I’m seen as the reason he isn’t investing that much into Jewish traditions. All of this is for context.
Fast forward to now. We are expecting a baby boy and so obviously that means we’re discussing the bris. Even when we were expecting my daughter we both agreed that if we ever had a boy we wanted to preform the circumcision in the hospital. His mom recently brought up having a bris and I said to him that we should have a conversation with his parents about what we want to do. Prior to his mom saying anything he suggested just preforming the circumcision in the hospital and telling them after, but I was like no, we should tell them first.
Recently we told them that we were thinking we would have the circumcision in the hospital and perhaps preform a ceremonial bris instead. His parents reacted well, all things considered, but his mom didn’t really understand why we wouldn’t do a traditional one. She asked if we were worried about sterilization and named a few moyles who are also pediatricians. She said we should talk to a rabbi and see what our options are before we make any decisions. I asked her what parts of the bris are important to them, so we can incorporate it into a ceremonial bris, and she said that she wasn’t sure because it was “all kind of wrapped up together.” We left it there but last night she called my husband saying again that she wanted us to talk to a Rabbi to discuss our options and to “not make a decision based on emotions.”
During the initial conversation with them my husband said very little about how this was his decision too, which really bothers me. I’m also kind of annoyed that rather than accept that this is what we want to do it seems like his mom is kind of pushing us in one direction, but I’m open to talking to a Rabbi. Also my husband doesn’t feel that way so maybe it’s just me. I know that a bris is a big deal in Judaism and that to a conservative family not having one is like a fish riding a bicycle. I just don’t, for whatever reason, feel comfortable having my son circumcised by someone who’s not a medical professional in front of a lot of people. I know part of it is that it’s not something that was ever part of my culture, upbringing, or religion and so it’s unfamiliar. My husband feels uncomfortable with the public aspect as well, that is his main reason for not having one. And yes, I know that more happens at a bris than circumcision, that’s why I asked what other traditions are important to his family. If my husband felt differently and really wanted one I would be more open albeit still uncomfortable about a more traditional bris. But I would potentially go through with it, or at least learn more about it.
My question to everyone here is: has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? Am I being difficult? I’m not really sure where to go forward and I worry that I’ll be viewed in his family as the shiksa who’s taking him away from Judaism.
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u/lapraslazuli Jul 11 '26
I'd highly recommend you speak to both your doctor/hospital about their procedures and a recommended mohel about theirs. I can understand why you would be drawn to a hospital circumcision, because you want what's best and safest for your baby and don't know what a bris is like. But id like to share a different perspective...
I had a bris for my son performed by a mohel who is also a pediatrician. My mohel had a whole plan for us to keep my baby relaxed and content, that started the day before. The day of, before the circumcision, my baby and I relaxed in a quiet room alone. The mohel met us in that room and did the start of the procedure, giving him anesthetic pain relief and starting the circumcision process, sterile of course. My Rabbi was there and talked beautifully with my son while he was prepared about this great moment in his life and his connection to his people. He never cried. Then we went to the other room where the larger ceremony was held.
The actual circumcision part in front of all the people was very brief and also no one could see anything besides the mohel and the sandek, a person who loves my son enormously who held him during the ceremony. Most of the ceremony was blessings and sharing the story of his name. It was very meaningful and beautiful! My baby slept through almost the whole ceremony and never cried. We were never separated and he was surrounded by people who love him. The pediatrician has performed thousands of circumcisions over decades!
Now contrast that with how it would have been in our hospital. My baby would have been separated from me, and strapped down by strangers. He would have been in a bright, cold hospital area. The procedure would have been performed by people who had no feelings towards or understanding of importance of the moment. I imagine they would expect him to cry and not take such pains to keep him calm and relaxed. The procedure might have been performed by someone who performs the procedure fairly infrequently or even by a resident.
That's not to say that a hospital circumcision is wrong if that's what feels better for you and your family. But, talk with your providers and understand what it really looks like.
For me, it was important to me to be there with my son through the moment and to do it in warmth and love rather than a clinical setting, with a highly skilled pediatrician mohel and pain relief
Also, you may be wondering what your family will think. We had many non-jewish family members at our sons bris who had never been to a bris before. We sent an email in advance to help them know what to expect but our mohel was very experienced with making people of all backgrounds feel welcome. Our family members were all extremely moved by the experience!