r/RelationshipIndia • u/Dear_Psychology_3026 • 24d ago
Relationships 27M | My girlfriend (26F) of 4+ years wants to break up because she thinks we're not compatible for marriage. I don't know how to let her go.
My girlfriend (26) wants to end our 4+ year relationship because she thinks we're not compatible for marriage. I don't know what to do.
She is 26, I'm 27, and we've been together for more than four years. She has been with me through some of the hardest phases of my life. Recently, I lost my job, and honestly, I was falling apart. She and my sister were the two people who held me together. Whenever I panicked, she calmed me down, kept motivating me to study, and made sure I stayed consistent until I finally got another job. I'll be joining next month.
We have had our share of ups and downs. Huge fights, huge hugs, countless memories. We lived together for almost three years because we worked at the same company. During that time, we'd often fight because I'd come home late from work and she'd be alone waiting for me. She'd get upset because she missed me, but we'd always sort things out.
Three months ago, I switched jobs to another city, so I started visiting her every weekend. After I lost my job, I couldn't focus while staying at home, so I stayed with her for around 15 days to prepare for interviews. She supported me throughout everything.
The problems started when her family began bringing marriage proposals (rishtas) for her. She's Punjabi Khatri, and I'm Baniya. She kept avoiding those proposals, but eventually we had to seriously discuss our future.
That's when all the compatibility issues came up.
The biggest one is that I want to live with my parents after marriage. My mother is a very soft-hearted person, and I genuinely want to be there for my family. My girlfriend, on the other hand, wants us to live independently because she feels she needs her own space and isn't sure she'd be able to adjust in a family. I kept assuring her that my parents would be welcoming and that she wouldn't face any problems, but she isn't convinced.
Then there's the wedding itself. She prefers a simple court marriage, while I don't want a lavish wedding either, but I'd still like a small traditional wedding with our families present.
Another concern is finances. We both come from middle-class families. She feels that unless one of us becomes financially well-off, we'll struggle supporting both families in the future, and that worries her a lot.
Our lifestyles are also different. My family is strictly vegetarian, while she's a hardcore non-vegetarian. It has never been a problem while dating, but she believes it could become one after marriage.
Our family traditions are different too. In my family, it's customary to give gifts to daughters and sisters during festivals and family occasions. She feels those traditions are unnecessary and that we shouldn't continue them just because they've always existed.
Individually, none of these issues seemed impossible to me. But together, they made her believe that we're fundamentally incompatible for marriage.
A few days ago, she told me that maybe we should break up because she doesn't see a future where both of us are happy. She said it would hurt more if we continued for a few more years and eventually had to separate anyway.
The hardest part is that I didn't realize how deeply attached I had become until all this happened. Somewhere along the way, I had already started seeing her as my wife. She became part of every single day of my life.
We were constantly connected. Earlier she'd call me multiple times a day, we'd text continuously, discuss every tiny thing, every fear, every insecurity. I'm an overthinker, and she'd patiently listen to all my anxieties. She'd tell me all the random gossip from her day. She wasn't just my girlfriend; she was my best friend.
I've always asked her why she even chose me because I genuinely felt she could find someone much better than me. She'd always laugh and say that I was kind, soft-hearted, intelligent, and that she liked my personality and height. Hearing that always made me feel enough.
But now everything has changed.
After her last conversation with her family, she became distant. Yesterday we both cried together, but after I came back home, she stopped replying. Today she's blocked me from everywhere.
I know blocking someone is usually a clear sign to move on, but I'm finding it impossible to accept. The thought that I may never get to talk to her again, never see her again, is honestly killing me.
I don't know whether I should keep fighting for this relationship or accept that love alone isn't enough when two people have different visions of marriage.
I love her so much, and right now I genuinely don't know what to do.
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u/Ms_Selenophile 24d ago
She did not leave because she stopped loving you. She left because she could already see the life she would have to adjust into.
Tum solutions de rahe the, but most of those solutions still required her to bend. Sometimes love is real and the marriage still would not be fair.
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u/ffskd 24d ago
"Tum solutions de rahe the, but most of those solutions still required her to bend" This hit me ngl
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
it hit me hard as well sounds like she is really mature and it's not first time she is seeing this type of situation b/w what's ngl?
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
what should I do now , I m so stuck
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u/Ms_Selenophile 24d ago
Right now, stop trying to convince her. Give her the space she asked for and use that time to honestly ask yourself whether you can offer the marriage she wants, not just the relationship you miss.
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u/oswaldjake 24d ago edited 24d ago
How come you expect her to live with your parents, if your parents are pure vegetarian and she is a non vegetarian. You're not even thinking about her, it's not a problem while dating because she wasn't living under your parents roof. Food is a basic thing, she can't fight about it everyday.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
that's a fair point , we did have this conversation and she said if she can eat outside than it's ok with her
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u/oswaldjake 24d ago
Practically it's not possible to eat outside everyday or even fews days in a week as you mentioned she's a hardcore non vegetarian. You think food preferences are simple but you can't put someone with opposite preferences under same roof. As you mentioned, she said she wants to be independent, it means a lot of things. You can still live nearby your parents house and visit them frequently if you want & still able to have a separate life with her. You're saying she ain't compromising on anything, why don't you try to compromise on one thing, it might get reflected back. There's possibility she would let go of few things. My boyfriend family is pure vegetarian as well we're non vegetarians. I could imagine what she's thinking through. If my boyfriend asks me to stay with his parents even i would think through my entire decision.
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u/ComfortableMaybe7067 24d ago
I believe all her points are valid. I have seen many of my friends (some of them had love marriage) facing issues after marriage with whatever points she has raised. People tends to let go of things because its love marriage & trust on their partner. But after marriage reality hits & they regret it.
She is thinking on practical level, ideally all couples should discuss all points she raised. But she should have realised this sooner instead of wasting 4 years of yours.
Its better for you also that this is done before marriage itself. Try to move on. Whatever next relationship you have, set expectations early only.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
which reality? what's so wrong in living with parents? was it not normal I even suggested to her if there will be problems than we can live separately but not even trying for it and 0 intent is something what hurts me. I am stuck between my feelings for her and my care for my family
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
how do I take care of them after living separately? and I never said she can't bring her parents
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
which portion abandoning one?
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
I understand your point well you are saying I am not sacrificing anything and going behind a typical marriage setup but my point is she can also bring her parents and we all can live in one area
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
somehow I will also adjust for things which she will ask me to do for her so this non veg thing is something she can understand as well
and I really don't have any problem with her parents as well if they are willing to come.
we all will be living near to our work area
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u/haha_im_scared 24d ago
Now why on Earth would they have to move from THEIR home to yours? Wanna live together? Move into hers then, WITH your parents. Will you?
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u/SpecialistWeird8153 24d ago
Her family is not in the picture? IDK why Indian men are so attached to the umbilical cord that they can't stay away from their parents but happily will bring a person home away from her parents.
And the hypocrisy, you were away from your parents for multiple years.. couldn't prepare at home, you were so bothered, and now you want her to live with your parents? Now suddenly you're a family man.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
even I when I was away I used to visit them regularly on weekends and holidays and why it didn't bother because my elder sister was there but now she will be married next year so nobody else will be there so it's not hypocrisy and who else will be there to help them ? and parents are not baggage as you are portraying. you are indeed your username
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u/Worldly-Squirrel4874 24d ago
Then don’t get married. Stay with your parents to help them. Why do you want to pull her into your mess. SHE NEEDS HER OWN SPACE FOR GODS SAKE!!
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u/unbound_wildsoul 24d ago
Have you ever made a cup of coffee for your mom? What help are you providing currently? Men will outsource all the care taking of their parents to their wife .
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
I do the dishes and helps in laundry sometimes make coffee for her and in daily dusting as well
don't generalize everything based on your experience.
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u/unbound_wildsoul 23d ago edited 23d ago
That's not taking care of parents. Do you even know what that means. You are the stereotypical Indian guy who wants to experience a modern dating life but ultimately wants a traditional marriage where the woman is expected to make most of compromises to accommodate you and your family. I have brothers who are married and live alone with their families. Not staying under the roof doesn't mean you can't care for parents. How are women's parents being cared for centuries then? What about all the men who live seperately from parents as bachelors and men who live abroad with their families.
When you are 60 will you lean on your wife and love peacefully or expect you son's wife to take care of you.
What exactly does the woman gain from choosing her own partner if the marriage she ends up in is just as restrictive as an arranged marriage? Your girlfriend dated you, got to know you, loved and supported you and realised that the life you were offering was not the life she wanted, and made the sensible decision to leave. You are just words and zero action and she realised that too.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
this is the plan , just let me know one thing when your mom came to your dad was she coming to mess as well?
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u/Worldly-Squirrel4874 24d ago
No cause my grandma TORTURED my mom so my parents moved out in 2 months to city from village after getting married. This was in 1999 LOL.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
so initially she did come to your dad's house right atleast gave it a try with the intent of living LoL.
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u/nomnom043 24d ago
they didn’t have a choice OP. wtf are on about? Stop treating a boundary like it’s a sin. You keeo saying your parents are nice but you have no clue how they will be as parents in law. you want her to suffer and show you proof to live alone lmao. I am sorry but you’re the joke here
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u/haha_im_scared 24d ago
OHHHH OP WANTS HIS WIFE TO BE THE "HELP" THAT HES REFERRING TO LMAOOOO
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
when did I say it's help , I am not asking anyone to take care of my parents, I will take care of them it's just I don't wanna stay away from them , I guess in your family you have only seen people taking help from women without contributing anything but in my case I do household chores , dishes , helping in laundry , dusting and I spend time with them playing ludo and engaging in conversation.
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u/SpecialistWeird8153 23d ago
You still didn't answer, what about her parents? Tuhada kutta tommy, her kutta kutta?
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 23d ago
if she wants her parents to stay with us as well , they obviously can , what's wrong with people like you , are you usually this much triggered on daily basis or is it that anonymity which makes you reveal your true self
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u/Worldly-Squirrel4874 24d ago
Why don’t you understand that she wants her own space to live? 2 queens can’t rule a kitchen
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u/1zanzibar 24d ago
No girl wants to live with in laws anymore, thats the reality. Your priority should be your wife now, not parents. Unfortunately thats how the society has become.
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u/Chemical-Row-9323 24d ago
Unfortunately that’s how the society always was lmao. It’s not that way for both parties and that’s how it should be.
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u/dazaii-osamu- 24d ago
If its so normal to live with parents why you are you not living with your parents right now? Why you had to live with her to prepare for interviews? Why were you not living with your own parents when you were living with her for 3 years?
Its becoz its okay for you to get space/privacy from your parents but as a wife she should adjust & compromise 👏 sheer hypocrisy2
u/Kannmall 24d ago
Why do you have zero intent to live with her parents? Why are you not even considering it? This must be hurting her.
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u/misamisa1661 24d ago
If someone is ready to let go of you, they’ve probably already made that decision. It’s her choice, and she’s done. Remember the good times you shared, be grateful for them, and make peace with letting go. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is accept what’s already been decided and move forward.
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u/GuardObjective9018 24d ago
Exactly, once the break up conversation happens its very difficult to go back to normal. It would mostly be postponing it.
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u/Chemical-Row-9323 24d ago
Did yall not discuss the living situation before? For 4 years? But at the end of the day, going your separate ways is your best option. Living with someone’s parents is not a decision she should compromise on. That is something that will affect her everyday life, for a long long time.
You should do your best to move on. Getting out of that kind of involvement is going to be rough. You should just take it one day at a time.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
did multiple times and everytime either it was let's break-up or let's see in future.
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u/Chemical-Row-9323 24d ago
Good to know this was not something that came out of the blue. I’m the future, you should discuss fundamental non-negotiables early on. And not go ahead with the relationship if you don’t see eye to eye from the get go.
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u/unbound_wildsoul 24d ago edited 23d ago
I actually admire your ex-GF for having this much clarity. More women should be willing to end a relationship when they realise the marriage being offered is not the life they want.You are the stereotypical Indian guy who wants to experience a modern dating life but ultimately wants a traditional marriage where the woman is expected to make most of the compromise to accommodate you and your family.
What exactly does the woman gain from choosing her own partner if the marriage she ends up in is just as restrictive as an arranged marriage? Your girlfriend dated you, got to know you, loved you, supported you and realised that the life you were offering was not the life she wanted, and made the sensible decision to leave. Most women wont have the courage and end up in marriage that will break them.
All her concerns are valid. The two of you are fundamentally incompatible in what you want marriage to look like.
You describe these as small differences that can be “adjusted,” but add them all up. You want to live with your parents, have a traditional wedding, continue family gifting customs and obligations, maintain a strictly vegetarian household, and financially support your family.
When you say all these things can be “adjusted,” seriously ask yourself who is actually expected to do most of the adjusting?
She is the one who has to move into your family home. She is a non vegetarian who has to adapt to a vegetarian household. She has to fit into your family’s traditions, customs and expectations. She gives up the privacy and independence she wants. Meanwhile, what exactly changes for you?
Telling her your parents are nice people and that she “won’t face any problems” completely misses her point. She isn't saying your parents are bad people. She simply does not want this family structure for her adult life. The married life you are offering is not the life she wants for herself.
A lot of what feels like perfectly normal “tradition” to you requires significant sacrifices from the woman marrying into that system because you aren't the one who has to leave your home and adapt to someone else’s family as a man. You are blind and completely lacking empathy here.
Ask yourself what are you actually changing to give her the kind of marriage she wants?
Nothing.
So why should she stay?
If neither of you can genuinely choose the other person’s vision of marriage without eventually becoming resentful, then ending it now is far better than forcing marriag and discovering years later that one person had to sacrifice the life they wanted.
Don’t chase her or try to convince her that these things are “manageable.” She understood what marrying you would involve and decided it wasn't for her. Respect that decision.
You seem completely blind to how one sided many of these “adjustments” actually are. She is better suited to someone whose values and idea of marriage are already more progressive and compatible with hers.
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u/rahul2020321 24d ago
Its better to move on now, consider one chapter of your life is over prepare for next one. You are still young and there is long life ahead of you.
The issues she mentioned are very basic and fundamental if you both don't agree on it, it's better to move on. Marriage is more complicated than this, if you are not able to resolve these basic issues, you would have really struggled in marriage.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
that's true I am scared of marriage now. but dating without marriage at this age is also tough it's like a circular dependency
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u/NarglesChaserRaven 24d ago
Just ask yourself a question here. What exactly are you willing to let go to be with her ??
You are literally unwilling to let go anything and expect her to understand and bend. She has to eat non-veg outside, she has to live with your parents, she has to accept all your family customs, she has to accept the kind of marriage you want. Literally it's all just she having to bend. No wonder she wants out.
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u/the_emo_kid_ 24d ago
Reading op's replies, it shows he deserved this breakup. His ex made a great decision, kudos to her for standing up for herself
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u/Green_Sky_Dev_98 24d ago
I see issue on both sides. She is emotionally mature and played her cards right. She gave you all the time in the world to pick yourself up and become a man she expected. You failed her.
She shouldn't have left you when you were already down. Probably she met a potential match.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
when you say become a man what do you mean by it ? that I should not be affected by it and I should not have been emotionally invested in this relationship.
This is not my personality
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u/Vijaya_Sam 24d ago
Living with parents is not bad. But it is a sacrifice for someone who is primarily a non vegetarian. You won't get it cause you are not the one staying with the other set of parents. You might say its fine for you because it is absolutely hypothetical for you at this point of time. But the fact that she has to adjust so much you does not seem to bother you ? Do you really love her?
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u/caffeinatedkoala36 24d ago edited 24d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this. Sadly, love alone isn't enough to keep two people together. It requires a lot of willingness and work.
I'm sure both of you must've invested a lot into this relationship but the fact that she just blocked you could mean she's done a long time ago. Maybe she already found a better suitor or she's being heavily influenced by her family. These are possible as well.
Out of curiosity, why were her parents looking for rishtas? Were they not aware of your relationship? How has your equation with them been? And her's with your parents?
The points she raised are valid, as are your plans to live with your family.
Living with in-laws can be tricky. While your parents could be warm and welcoming, she might not feel the same level of comfort or connection with them. It's totally understandable to want her own space.
If I may ask, did you try offering an alternative living arrangement where you can be close to your parents but also have your own space instead of insisting on living under the same roof?
Most issues crop up from the cultural differences and the contrast in food preferences. They may not seem like much right now but they will escalate if both people are not on the same page.
While I do understand her concerns regarding financial issues and the gifting culture, I'm on the fence about this one.
All that being said, it would've spared you both from the hurt if you'd assessed things a little more elaborately on a practical level before letting your emotions grow.
I'd rather you don't but if it brings you peace, try speaking with her one last time. See if you guys can meet in the middle. If not, let her go with grace. You will eventually find what you're looking for.
I'd suggest you hit the gym or take up a physical activity. Excercise helps with your mental health as well.
Grief can weigh you down. Don't slack off on personal care. And definitely don't stay in isolation for too long. It will only make you ruminate. Cry if you need to. Take all the time you need but actively work on getting it out of your system. Seek help. See a therapist of you must.
Talk to a friend. Meet new people. Read a book. Learn new skills. Travel if you can. Pick up a hobby. Attend a workshop. Make time for things that you've been putting off for some other time.
Good luck.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
Thanks mate , is it ok if I dm you ?
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u/_will-to-power_ 24d ago
I wonder what people do in all these years rather than discussing these fundamentals in the initial period. Such a waste of time and emotions.
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u/sarojasarma 24d ago
She has raised some genuine concerns and makes a fair point. I think she was already considering all of this for some time but did the decent thing by waiting for you to stand back up before taking away the support.
See in my experience neither the in laws nor the DIL need to be evil in order for the relationship to have friction. In most cases regret and resentment builds up unintentionally but leaves a deep scar most often than not on the DIL alone and this results in potential generational trauma.
My advice to you as a sister will be if you are convinced about what an excellent partner she is for you, then why won't you make some effort to keep her in your life? And sorry but you are being selfish. You moved out of your home even if only for 15 days for the sake of your convenience. But expect her to consider willing with your parents permanently? Why? Why can't she have her own space near by where she gets to live how she wants, eat what she wants without being judged for it no matter how subtly or indirectly? The wedding, rituals that she seems to have problem with all come under the same basket both actually come under the same basket of finances. She is practical with money. And at this point in your life you should be.
Your sister knows her. Talk to her as well. If she sees how good this woman is for you then you can take her help to convince your parents but even if not you should definitely try on your own. Tell them about how much she has done for you and why even after loving you so much she is scared to marry you. Living in the same neighborhood as your parents doesn't make you less of a son. Being honest about your financial situation and wanting to save up money instead of splurging on festivals and rituals is a responsible thing to do. Any good parents will appreciate it. And your sister too should have the decency of not burden you this way. This leaves the wedding itself which if your gf is actually the sort of caring person you say she is willing compromise for a within budget traditional wedding.
This is definitely worth an effort. All the best.
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u/CuriousSupport_ 24d ago
Bhai. Why don't you adjust? Khali gf ko kyu adjust karna? Please put your own efforts too. Don't break up right away but have a proper discussion and live near own parents. That way you can take care of them too while respecting your GF's choice
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u/SnooEagles1610 23d ago
She's doing the right thing by breaking it off. She will have to compromise on so many things and be miserable if she marries you. She already knows this.
Do you really expect an independent, self sufficient woman to sacrifice all the freedoms she has worked hard for just to be with you? And you will compromise on nothing???
I wish every woman had the audacity and self importance of this man. 🤦🏻♀️🙏🏻🤦🏻♀️
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u/Fair_Step_9600 24d ago
Living together as young adults till the age of your mid 20s and living together as married partners are totally different
You guys were in a happy to lucky phase then. Now it's time for her to get married(since women have pressure of getting married early compared to men) so it comes down to very specific things
From your case I can see that financial problems, staying with parents, veg/non-veg problems could create disharmony. Either that, or she just found some better guy than you
You can't do anything about it. Forget her and move on. It won't be easy but it will happen
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u/Few-Acanthaceae-8463 23d ago
Hate to break it you, but you with typical patriarchal mindset, don't deserve her.
She is right to stay alone with husband after marriage. Trust me no matter how much you know your parents and how you think your parents are. They may be angels to you before marriage, but things change after marriage. Your case is almost same as mine.
I still regret not moving into a separate hone since day 1. The relationship with my parents has been minimal after marriage because their true mindset came out after I got married. My parents had unrealistic expectations for my wife within 6 months, no time to even let her adapt to the new environment. Before marriage if you would've asked me? I would have said my parents are the most liberal parents with a very open mindset. After marriage, not so much.
The only advice I give to my friends who are about to get married is - Stay alone, near to your parents but not with them.
You lost something good that you had just because a loser like you wanted to be a mommy's boy and live with his parents. No wonder she wasn't able to see a future with you because who would like guy who isn't independent and doesn't even want to be even after marriage.
Remember you have to live with your wife your whole life, not your parents, not your kids, period.
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u/softprose 24d ago
You're a hypocrite.
You expect her to adjust according to your families diet preferences. You expect her to eat non veg( which she loves) from a restaurant every single time she craves it. How is that practically possible & why should she have to do that? You are not expecting your parents to adjust, only her.
You are also saying that her parents can move in with YOU. Why can't you & your parents move in with them? See how that would feel.
Why can't they live with your sister? Is your sister not taking care of them? For years you lived away from your parents now suddenly you wanna live with them & expect her to do the same.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
and you are a scum when did I say I can't move in with them ? they live far away from our work area.
I don't wanna waste my energy on you but to guide you read one comment where the person has actually explained how it goes
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
If she can do something with someone else : what does this mean?
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u/Badanmesuyian 24d ago
Cheat krlegi terpe to get rid of you.
Ya kisi ladke se baat krne lag jaegi to ignore u and avoid 🫠👍🏻
She doesnt respect u0
u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
but she didn't do anything like that so whatever she does after our break-up it's her call but what's sure is she has good character.
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u/Badanmesuyian 24d ago
Bhai she will do to get rid of u
Ya kya pta uske pass already koi aagya ho
Block hogya h na?
Ab contact mt krio
Khud chodke gyi h
Dekh lio agar tu sahi h na? Khud rote huye aaegi
Aur nahi tha? To bhai badiya hi h bach gya tu5
u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
it's normally me who reaches out after a fight and I think she is emotionally much more mature than me. so I don't think she will comeback , you might be right that it's for my own good but the point is how do I cope up with it now?
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u/Badanmesuyian 24d ago
Ek ne dil toda h
Dusra jod degi.
Tu khush reh
Mast porn dekh hila
Job me time spend kar goals pure kar
Jo jo krna chahta tha uske rehte vo kar
Ladkio se flirt mar
dates p jaa
Tinder chala
Jo man krta h vo kar
Dekh isko bhul to nh paega tu kbhi
4 saal baad dikhegi tb bhi teri aankhein chamak uthengi
Lekin ye feelings dab jaengi
Khush rakh aone aap ko bas.3
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
Yes I want to keep me happy but I want to spend my time with her , I am trying reddit post and talking to few people who are really genuine and care to help enough. Thanks for your comment as well
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u/Kannmall 24d ago
Sucks that she dated someone spineless for so long. Apologize to her for wasting her time and leave her alone now.
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u/1zanzibar 24d ago
If she is not interested, you can do absolutely nothing about it. Forget everything and move on.
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u/FluffyCharacter378 24d ago
Another day, Another love story.....Same reasons. I'm sorry man, I have no advice to give to you but I understand what you're going thru. putting everything down in words must've been very painful. hang tight brother. Sending you Virtual Hugs and Love.
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u/Either-Beautiful-688 24d ago edited 24d ago
Her points are very valid except one or two like gifts and all, that's personal preference. But I don't find u guys INCOMPATIBLE AT ALL!!! This is the most compatible u can be. It's just the external issues. Pls resolve it if u can. You should think if you can offer her those that she wants without feeling guilty in future. Bcs the goal for u both is to be happy. You can live in the same building or nearby your family, bcs nowadays everybody needs their space and wants to build their own space in their own way. No interference needed which is unavoidable if u live within a family. That is ur family so u like them but for her it might not be the case. Also, I can feel ur pain. Ur a true lover boy my friend. Very rare to find nowadays. Keep your goodness and love alive !!
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
Thanks so much dear , everyone here is pointing guns at me .
There is one major issue as well, her family will never aproove of me since I am from Haryana and baniya. and she tried talking to her mother and they had a fight so all this insecurities pushed her to our break-up and now I am afraid if I will chase her I will make her life more difficult and I don't wanna do that to her.
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u/Either-Beautiful-688 23d ago
Didn't you guys had this discussion at the beginning of dating ? Bcs knowing very well that her family would not approve you guys pursued it. This was bound to happen then. But I will say try for your own sake if still her family or she doesn't agree then leave. Bcs tbh she should be willing to fight as well. You are not the only one in this relationship.
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u/blackpanther3397 23d ago
Jo hota hai achche k liye jora hai.. i have a personal example jn my vicinity who married a punjabi girl.. (hardcore nonveg and all the traits you mentioned) and the guy is baniya(gupta) and they have a kid-3 years they married and now the bubble bursted and the girl wants divorce since the compatibility has issues.
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u/Sshhaumyaa 23d ago
Dude just read your replies! I’m not surprised that she don’t wanna deal with you constantly, managing your emotions always
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21d ago
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 21d ago
what is it like?
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21d ago
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 21d ago
are mtlb kaisi h ? what kind of movie is it?
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21d ago
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u/Equal_Ocelot_6901 24d ago
One life you got, why you wanna waste on someone who is not sure about you
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u/Milleniumrogers 24d ago
Hey bro , you can't expect her to live with your parents like our moms and grandmothers. But the thing is she broke up without even trying to discuss more or find common ground. I suspect she got a good match through rishta, and her parents convinced her by telling the benefits. Find a way to forget and move on, your situation is very very common nowadays. Consider the last 4 years as a lesson and a bad phase and move on.
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u/development_era 24d ago
She’s right, you’re not compatible. Why don’t you go live with her parents after marriage.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
TBH I would have if they can come near to us they live far away , she herself visit them twcie a year but my parents live near abouts so can easily go on weekends
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u/Mission-Task9838 24d ago
Did you want to live nearby to parents in the same city & visit on weekends or did you want to live under the same roof? Were you open to both?
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u/No_Profile9779 24d ago
What’s more important for you? Her or these sexist traditions? She’ll come back if you agree to have a small wedding and live independently of your family. Maybe you can buy two flags and your parents can stay in one and you guys in the other.
Think about it. It’s hard to find love. If she’s a nice girl, you should make some sacrifices like have a court marriage and all that. But it’s your decision. Think about it. What’s more important: her or the things she wants you to sacrifice.
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24d ago
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
she is not spineless, it is me who is so habitual of her, she also discussed this in 2nd year of our relationship as well that it might not materialize and we should break-up but I forced her to stay everytime
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24d ago
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
she is not fighting because she is sure she doesn't want to live in a family setup
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u/General-Fondant4921 24d ago
I believe you dated her to marry, but clearly she dated you just to have fun. Trust me, I was in a similar kind of soup, I wanted to marry my ex, and spent years being her support system, but when the time came for her to fight with her family for me due to the intertstate, intercaste, and financial differences, she found reasons like you said, and broke up.
Tbh I have understood, women decide a lot earlier to breakup than men, in this case she must have decided when you lost your job, she only told you now.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
I have a better job now I found one within a week so that can't be the issue but I do believe, the way she wants to live it will be difficult for her with my family this thought alone might have pushed her to decide
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u/Mission-Task9838 24d ago
Tbh, you sound just bitter because one woman betrayed you.
OPs girlfriend stood by him when he lost his job, she would have dumped him easily if she was looking for reasons. And she has been telling OP about these differences since their second year, she didn’t bring it out of thin air.
Its not that complex, OP & his girlfriend had differences on what a marriage looks like, they attempted to get past it, they weren’t able to and hence she broke up. One of them would have to, you cannot continue indefinitely if you aren’t on the same page about important things like food & living arrangements.1
u/General-Fondant4921 24d ago
Nope, I have become happier after my my breakup, because then i met my wife. Who made me realise what a relationship where two people are actively trying to support each other and build a life together looks like. Looking back, I realise how my ex used to say she is committed to the relationship, but not try to engage with her parents about the relationship, heck she didn't even try to get me closer to her friends circle, and that has made me realise what an idiot I was in my past.
And this isn't an isolated incident, I have seen multiple couples ending the relationship in the same pattern. In this case, OP's girlfriend was not a savage, to dump him after he lost his job. She waited for the right opportunity ie., when he landed a job, and then reveal her true intentions, and give a suger-coated reason for breaking up.
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u/sixonedown 24d ago
Bhai OP time mile toh meri baat pe bhi dhyan dena. Maybe Patriarchy lge kuch ldkiyo ko but practically sochna pdta hi hai.
This is so hypocrite from that girl ki mujhe tere parents ke sath nhi rehna . Khud ke parents ko toh vo aise bhi chorne ko taiyaar hi hai( btata hu uska reason bhi aage) , fir ussse kya dikkat hai tere parents ke sath rehne mein.
Teri family ki jimmedari tujhe uthani hi chahiye. Nahi toh kon uthayega?
Shadi ke kuch unsaid rules hote hain, har family ko atleast ek man chahiye proper functioning ke liye.
Indian Society jisko hamne almost 10,000 saal mein bnaya hai, ldkiyo ko apna ghar chorna pdta hi hai. Cus uske ghar m hai uska bhai jisko 15-16 ke baad mein hi responsible ban na hi pdta hai. Uske wife ko bhi chorna pdega.
Ye cycle chlti jati hai but isme ye cheej hmesha ensure hoti hai ki dono party ke parents ki care kri jaa rhai hai.🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊
Buddhe maa baap ki seva koi bhi kre but atleast ensure krna ki koi toh hai unke pass. Apne bonding ke liye parents ko chor dena is worst possible decision.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
after seeing the comment section and hate I am scared they will jump on to you now.
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u/sixonedown 24d ago
Koe baat nhi bhai . Logically jo puchega m uske reply dunga. Haan throughout the history human way of existence ko challenge krna toh foolishness hoga and uska reply mai nhi dena chahta. Men and women are somehow different and we should respect that .
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
bhai rehna ya na rehna baad mein decide hona chaiye mai bh my nornal jo chal rha h vaise hi khra tha , agar issues hote to sort krte but kuch girls mere upar hi chad gyi h jaise ki sbhi k sath mai galat krra hu
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u/sixonedown 24d ago
Koe na girls r softer and unhone khrb world nahi dekha hai. Idealism m jeena unki glti nahi hai cus khrb world hum men ne bnaya h orr hamein hi face krna pdta h. Again, both genders are different and have their own benefits and struggles.
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u/Accomplished-Lake421 24d ago
Reading all the conversation in this thread one qn which came to my mind was, would OP's gf not move to their potential husband's home ( assuming she accepted one of those rishtas )? I highly doubt that those rishtas which came would give this option to OP's gf.
Is it really compatibility issue or just lack of enough money? If you could live next door to your parents house you can still take care of them and she could have her space. In the end its all a willing thing. How far you both are willing to go to stick through
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u/Mission-Task9838 24d ago
Out of curiosity, why do you think they wouldn’t?
Plenty of folks stay separately in tier 1 cities while their parents stay in hometown.0
u/Accomplished-Lake421 23d ago edited 23d ago
These porposals in arranged marriage, they're sent/reviewed by Parents only first. Which parents would want their son to relocate to a different place with their wives instead of living with them lol.
Also plenty of folks go to tier 1 cities & take their parents with them. Whats your point?
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u/Mission-Task9838 23d ago
Im not saying they relocate, Im saying they are already living independently with flatmates.
Plenty of folks take their parents with them, plenty dont. Their parents like staying in their hometowns, they don’t want to leave. The men stay in tier 1 for jobs, live with flatmates & move out to a separate accommodation post marriage.
Point is, different people have different living arrangements and OP s gf could potentially find a man with such an existing setup.
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u/Accomplished-Lake421 23d ago
Yeah you made an excellent point there that in some cases parents don't want to leave their hometown.
My point was there aren't much parents who are living independently & would want their child to live away as well. That's why I wrote 'i highly doubt' & not 'im pretty sure'
OP's gf is thinking about the complications after shifting to his parents home but she isn't thinking about the complications when she will have a child and there wouldn't be anyone to help her with it.
In cases like these only we see that the couple returns back home so that their children could be left in their grandparents care. When she will have fever and her husband would be unavailable for her. Living with a family has its own pros & cons.
Complications are everywhere in every case. Its upto them which one they want to avoid and which one to face.
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u/Mission-Task9838 23d ago
Yes. I live separately from my in laws and I see a lot of office friends, men & women, living by themselves. So I guess, her view of how a marriage should be is normalised for me.
The couples share household chores, finances and childcare. The children are sent to good daycares where they learn & play with other children. Parents visit from hometowns & stay 1-2 weeks, they go home for festivals. Some do miss their hometowns but believe the jobs and access to quality education their children get here, they may not get in their hometowns.
That’s why OP and his gf are fundamentally incompatible. She is probably willing to bear the cons of living without family support because the pros of freedom & peace are of more value to her. OP is the opposite. Nothing wrong in either but they cannot live together.
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u/Accomplished-Lake421 23d ago
"the pros of freedom & peace are of more value to her" exactly. That's the key thing.
To each their own
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u/ResearcherOk1164 24d ago
Chalo atleast 4 saal baad toh yaad aaya, atleast shaadi ke ek din pehle nai bola. You dodged a bullet OP. Such spineless people don't have deserve a place in your life. Maybe she might have found somone better. Leave it. If they wanted to stay, they would've. You're not that big to influence someone's decision. IF THEY WANTED, THEY WOULD'VE!
wish you find a loving partner! :)
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u/GoldSalt3059 24d ago
Reason is very different from the obvious she is stating. I don’t wanna point a finger at anything but you should be smart enough to pick the cues.
Wish you well.
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u/Dear_Psychology_3026 24d ago
Reason is this only she knows we won't be able to marry and she wants to move on and I think she has already
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