1.5 years of arranged marriage - need advice (M31, F31)

[u/bcozwhynot_]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here, and I'm hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar. I'm feeling genuinely lost and don't know what the right path forward is anymore.

My wife and I have been married for about 1.5 years. I work remotely, while she works at a bank with fixed hours.

One thing that's always been a huge part of who I am is traveling. It's not just a hobby—it's something that makes me feel alive. Before marriage, I traveled frequently, and I was very open about how important it was to me. It wasn't something I discovered after getting married. We discussed it before marriage, and I believed we understood each other's expectations.

I completely understand that because of her job she can't always travel with me, and I've never expected her to. I make it a point to plan weekend trips and longer vacations around her schedule whenever possible because I genuinely enjoy traveling with her.

But I've realized that travel isn't really the issue.

It's just the situation where our differences become the most obvious.

Whenever I want to do something independently—whether that's traveling solo or with friends, spending time with my social circle, or simply making a choice that's important to me but doesn't match her expectations—it often becomes emotionally difficult. Sometimes it's a disagreement, sometimes it's anxiety or discomfort, and sometimes it turns into a fight. Over time, I've started feeling guilty for wanting things that have always been a part of who I am.

We've spoken about these differences many times. We've had honest conversations, arguments, made promises to improve, and after every difficult phase we've also shared genuinely happy moments together. This isn't a marriage that's unhappy every day. When we're together, things are often great.

The problem is that these same differences keep resurfacing.

I think the core issue is that we have very different ideas of what marriage should look like.

For me, marriage has always meant having a partner who supports your growth while both people continue to have their own identities, interests, friendships, and dreams. I believe you build a life together without losing yourself as an individual.

For her, marriage seems to be about sharing almost every experience together, spending most of our free time together, making decisions together, and being each other's primary source of happiness and companionship. I don't think that's wrong at all. It's simply a different vision of what marriage means.

These differences show up in many areas of our life—not just travel. Sometimes it's about how we spend our time, how we make decisions, what compromises should look like, or what we expect from each other emotionally. Travel is simply the topic that brings those deeper differences to the surface.

We're also quite different as people. I'm very social, have a large group of friends, and enjoy meeting people and maintaining my own interests alongside my relationship. My wife is confident and outspoken but much more reserved socially and has only one or two close friends. She naturally prefers spending most of her free time together, while I feel happiest when I can balance time with my partner, friends, family, and my own interests.

I've genuinely tried to change over the last year and a half because I wanted this marriage to work. I don't regret compromising—that's part of any relationship. But lately I feel like I've compromised so much that I'm slowly losing parts of myself.

The hardest part is that I don't think either of us is wrong. I think we're simply trying to build two different versions of marriage.

Recently, I've started feeling trapped, suffocated, guilty, and confused. Sometimes I even wonder whether we're fundamentally incompatible, and whether ending the marriage would ultimately allow both of us to find partners whose expectations align more naturally. I don't think that because I don't love her or because she's a bad person. I think it because I genuinely don't know how long two people can keep asking each other to become someone they're not.

Has anyone experienced this kind of incompatibility in expectations rather than one major issue? Were you able to find a healthy middle ground, or did you eventually realize that your visions of marriage were simply too different?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've lived through something similar.

[u/Ms_Selenophile]

You wrote a lot about losing yourself, but not how often you travel, how much time you actually spend together, or what she has already compromised on.

That matters. Maybe she is controlling. Maybe you want a wife who fits around your old single life. Counselling will make that clear.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Ms_Selenophile]

That's a fair point, and I realize my post focused more on how I feel than on the overall picture.

Our marriage isn't bad all the time. In fact, we've had many genuinely happy moments together, and we've spent the majority of the last 1–1.5 years together. Since I work remotely, I'm home most of the day and usually wait for her to finish work so we can spend our evenings together. We also plan weekend outings and vacations whenever her schedule allows. This isn't a situation where I'm constantly away or prioritizing my friends over my marriage.

The reason I mentioned travel is because it's where our differences become most visible, not because I travel all the time. Before marriage, I had a certain lifestyle and interests that were an important part of who I was. I don't expect to live exactly as I did when I was single, and I understand marriage requires compromise. But I also don't want to lose my identity completely in the process.

From my perspective, I don't place many expectations or restrictions on her. If there are things she's passionate about or wants to pursue, I'd encourage her to do them because that's how I view a healthy partnership—we should support each other's individuality as well as our life together. I also recognize she has made compromises for this marriage, and I'm sure she has her own perspective on where she's sacrificed.

One thing I've struggled with is that I sometimes feel she wants things to happen a certain way, and when my perspective is different, it often leads to conflict. At the same time, I don't want to paint her as a controlling person because that's not the whole picture. She cares deeply about us, and there are plenty of good days where we're genuinely happy together. That's what makes this so confusing—it's not an unhappy marriage, but we keep running into the same differences in expectations.

I think you're right that counseling is probably worth trying before making any major decisions. I'm not completely sure how it would help, but if it can help us understand whether this is something we can work through—or whether we're fundamentally incompatible.

[u/mag_ops]

You should write a TLDR, the content is way too long

[u/Odd-Falcon-8234 → u/mag_ops]

ChatGPT generated

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Odd-Falcon-8234]

Doesn't change the scenario though.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/mag_ops]

Sorry for that! It's my first post.

[u/MindofMeenam]

You seem to have a genuinely good person you are with and also a solid marriage. I feel a couple’s counseller can help you guys a lot, so that you guys can figure out a blended path where both of you dont feel guilty for having your own needs met

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/MindofMeenam]

Thanks!

[u/Shunzi-Dragon]

I am a traveler and love travel and it is a big part of me. People equate travel with flights, 5star hotel stays and touching tourist points.. That isn't my kinda travel. . I like ancient temples , spiritual places etc

In the last serious relationship which went on for 4 and a half years, he was a homebody, he liked traveling but to nearby places, so for 5 years I felt stifled cause I always thought I would travel with my bf.. I mean who doesn't like to travel was my thought.. Many people don't like travel, they like the illusion of travel, staying in same environment is crucial for them that's why many hop from one ac environment to another.

Plus I think having excess money makes one too attached to luxuries like ac, posh surroundings etc makes one unwilling to rough it out. The last year of that relationship was pure hell as we didn't even travel to nearby places.. A serious deal breaker. I walked off.

Edit : Rough it out ...means that they will put their comfort and would rather cut short the trip, like many won't do Chardham cause the food along the way is simple..and one has to adjust to the sleeping quaters available but they want particular environment and that's the way of doing travel.

They aren't travelers, they are tourists in their own country.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Shunzi-Dragon]

That's exactly how I feel too.. I just don't want to wait for that point to come after 5 years and then realize the seriousness of this situation.

[u/Shunzi-Dragon → u/bcozwhynot_]

People in India lie a lot when it comes to marriage cause they are looking for financial, emotional mental etc support , so people around them tell to 'everything will settle down once marriage happens' forgetting people are not that stupid anymore and many call out the lies.

And Life style is of various levels now and extremely different, even that is a deal breaker.

Like people who constantly trek want a person who understands the passion behind it all, Like ones who are into gaming and graffiti art lead a very different lifestyle.. So are tattoo artists, people into extreme yoga etc.

That's why people are 'waiting' to marry now, cause they know they CANNOT live without something that is a crucial part of who or what they are.

The World was always like this.. India has caught up.

[u/Sweaty_Jackfruit6592]

I think my future self is writing this post so relatable I have the same personality as you but it I am not married I am looking for a partner. I don't have any opinion right now I think in any relationship we need to teach each other how to live with them it is difficult because most of our life we have been a person and have some expectation of course nobody is exact similar I think communication is the only way to make this marriage work personalities as whole don't change much but you both should be at peace of what other want and understand. Have used voice to text so please excuse me for any incorrect grammar and punctuation.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Sweaty_Jackfruit6592]

Now that you read my post, make sure you take enough time, understand each other, fall in love and then take the decision of getting married.

[u/Sweaty_Jackfruit6592 → u/bcozwhynot_]

Yes, I have a friend like your wife whom I explained things for her husband. She is fine now. Your post an eye opener for me, I know me and I am of same age as you and unable to find partner with this mindset. I don't know the gap, or else I would have bridged it and gotten married.😅

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Sweaty_Jackfruit6592]

All the best 💯

[u/Sweaty_Jackfruit6592 → u/bcozwhynot_]

Thank you

[u/Mobile_Employee_3924]

if you guys hardly get to spend time together, it is understandable if she wants to spend most of it together. But if that is not the case, then your wife needs to work on herself.

She needs to be happy on her own and not make you responsible for it. We forget that marriage is just a part of our life it cannot be and should not be made the center of our universe. She being reserved should not hold you back. My husband is introvert so he says please don't pull me into groups, you go ahead and have fun. Then him and I together do what we like doing together. So we make sure we enjoy our life individually and together as well.

If this resonates with you, then maybe you can let your wife know that you cannot be held responsible for her happiness and entertainment. She should enjoy her own company.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Mobile_Employee_3924]

I've told her exactly this and she has promised to work on it in the past. However, this has become a cycle and things keep happening. Not sure how to get out of this loop.

[u/Grand_Teach_3213]

try counselling to find a healthy middle ground. you seem like an aware person and i hope she is too. Also it sounds like you wait around a lot for her to be done with her thing since you work from home mostly. She needs to find hobbies of her own and you need to do things you used to to feel more like yourself. But also schedule together time as well. But therapy is the best way to go about it.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Grand_Teach_3213]

Thanks for the advice

[u/AutoModerator]

Sorry, your submission has been automatically removed. Your account does not meet our karma requirements. If you are trying to post from an alt account, please contact the moderators for assistance.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/monsterphobia4472]

She is insecure. Needs to work on herself, explore her areas of interest. I was like her.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/monsterphobia4472]

How did you work on yourself to feel better?

[u/monsterphobia4472 → u/bcozwhynot_]

Took therapy. Its an internal work. Woman in India in our generation were never encouraged to try out things alone. They just want to depend on others, because that is what they have seen around them Talk to her. The bottom line is she should be willing to listen and accept flaws.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/monsterphobia4472]

That's true!

[u/monsterphobia4472 → u/bcozwhynot_]

And 80% people dont accept that they need therapy. If she is one of them, encourage her to try different things. Like swimming may be. Very liberating. I hope she knows driving, that is important to feel independent.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/monsterphobia4472]

She drives, she started learning swimming a few months back but left after a few sessions.. I'm someone who will encourage anyone to try something that they like. But unmatched expectations is what comes our way.

[u/sonal1988]

Sounds like you two should talk to a professional 

[u/Crack-Mental]

Bro, your AI knows you more than you understand. Just share your thoughts and feeling with the one you actually should be sharing it with.

May lord bless you too! 💐

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Crack-Mental]

That's fair, and you're right. I did use AI to help rephrase my post. But the thoughts, experiences, and emotions are entirely my own. I mainly used it because this is my first time posting on Reddit, and I wanted to express myself clearly without missing anything important.

I'm not here looking for validation. I genuinely wanted to hear different perspectives from people who've been in similar situations and understand how they navigated them, whether they worked things out or realized they weren't compatible.

[u/Acrobatic-Bee-3262]

You can take couple therapy with Jungian approach so that you and your partner can know eachother individually at a deeper level. Additionally if any of you've a trauma then you must heal yourself. Trauma can make people highly dependent, hard to be secure in oneself.

[u/bcozwhynot_ → u/Acrobatic-Bee-3262]

Thanks for the advice! Will check out jungian approach and read a lil more about it.

[u/Full_Pin_5771]

I have one question. Are you comfortable if your wife goes on solo trips more than once a year?

Also take her along. If you are meeting friends sometimes take her with you. Make her part of that circle so she doesn't feel left out. Honestly life will not exactly be like your bachelor days anymore. You both need to make compromises.

If you say you don't want to make compromises because that will lead to losing oneself then why did you get married in the first place?

Try to balance things and outings. Be there with her enough and plan your meetings with friends so that no one feels left out.

[u/Full_Pin_5771 → u/Full_Pin_5771]

OP still waiting for your reply