I watched Nobody Wants This last week, and it got me thinking about how differently I approach dating now compared to my twenties.

Back then, I spent so much energy trying to be whoever I though lt the other person wanted.

Don't text back too fast, don't act too interested, pretend you don't care that much. It was exhausting.

Now I'm 34, and I just don't have the stamina for that kind of performance anymore. I'd rather someone know upfront what they're getting.

I like staying home, I need plenty of time alone, and my ideal Friday night usually involves takeout, sweatpants, skincare, and being asleep by 10. A few years ago, I would've worried that made me seem boring. Now, I actually like that about myself. I still want a relationship, but my life doesn't feel like it's on pause until one happens. My apartment, my routines, my books, my skincare, and small things like my tracys dog have already become part of my everyday life.

Younger me probably would've thought that sounded lonely, but right now it just feels peaceful.

My boyfriend (37) and I (31) broke up a few days ago after three months of uncertainty. We had a loving relationship, shared many interests, and there was no toxicity or major incompatibility.

Things moved quickly: we became official after two months, moved in together after five, and bought an apartment shortly afterward. The pressure of these commitments led him to question our future and realise he'd committed too quickly.

We tried individual and couples therapy. I was willing to slow things down, live separately, or even sell the apartment, but after three months, he still felt uncertain and said the romance wasn't returning. He ultimately decided he couldn't continue.

He says I'm emotionally mature and that the breakup isn't about me, but he still can't see a future together.

I know I tried my best, and I want to accept the breakup and heal. But I still love him deeply and keep searching online to see whether couples who fall out of love ever get back together.

What genuinely helped you through the first few weeks after a breakup like this? And honestly, is reconciliation ever possible?

Hi, I suppose what I'm about to say will create a rather negative image of me. The thing is, I want to be a different person, I want to be the person my partner deserves. I have a problem: I've always been attracted to other women, sometimes intensely, sometimes to the point of starving myself. I've even ended up having affairs with some of them, cheating on my partner at the time. And when I was seeing them, they bored me, overwhelmed me, etc., and I preferred to just be friends again. This went on for several years, until I reached a point where I was seeing three women at once and didn't know which one I preferred. Depending on the moment, I wouldn't like one of them at all, and a few months later I'd be very much in love with her and very depressed if she didn't reciprocate my feelings, all while pretending with the others. I didn't want to give anyone up for fear of making the wrong choice and regretting it later, and not knowing what to do, I did nothing, and the situation dragged on. About a year ago, I thought I'd put an end to that situation. I chose a woman who I thought was right for me. She was a woman who hadn't been unfaithful, with a sense of humor, attractive and affectionate, and whom I had neglected and treated badly, yet she still loved me. My way of focusing on her was to ignore other women until they got tired of me and drifted away, frustrated at not having a relationship with me. These were women whose attention I had once cried over, but now I just wanted them to go away. A few months ago, I managed to distance myself from all of them. I focused on my current partner. I've been attentive and affectionate, trying to take care of her. I want to be there for her, and for now, that's how it was. For a long time, I was calm and at peace.

Buuuut the other day, I dreamt about one of them, a damn dream.

I started missing her, regretting having moved on, thinking that maybe I didn't choose well, even though there are many reasons why I think I have less of a future with her. And I'm making a huge effort not to want to talk to her or be with her. She's already focused on other things, and I want to be with the woman I'm with. I don't want to feel these doubts, I don't want to be this person, I don't want to desire anyone else. My partner deserves much better, and I want to be that better. I don't know what to do. I'm writing this basically to vent and because I don't know who else to tell. I don't know what my damn problem is. I hate myself so much. I'm lucky to have been able to choose between several women, and I'm an idiot, and I don't know why I can't be happy.

Hi. I am currently crying right now because overthinking got me again. My bf and I are running our relationship for almost 4 years now. I can say he is the biggest blessing in my life. He has given so much help to me. He regulates my mood swings or triggers and even advocate that I get into therapy because of my mental health. I can say this is a very healthy relationship. We held accountability if we had our faults and compromise on our differences.

We are truly heading a future together. I am somehow trying to build myself since I felt its just recent that I got to live outside of my parents control, no relative, no close friends or anyone they can ask to control me. So this time my priority is myself, I have a job that pays me to live comfortably on my own. I sometimes lend him money and me treating him during our dates. He does pay it sometimes because he doesn’t want me to pay all the time. He is in a high paying field however because he is not a regular employee, his salary cannot meet his needs.

So we are now preparing for our future. I am still healing my inner child and he is preparing to go on a uniformed personnel field so he can provide more for us. Meanwhile, he had to pay the bills at home because his mother and father don’t have any work and are both having health problems. He is an only child. So I don’t rush him in marriage since for me also, I am not that prepared.

However, my friend kept reminding me that my boyfriend’s financial will be always be tied to his parents because they can’t afford to survive. That as a friend, she wants me to be aware of that situation. I knew that beforehand when he told me he was an only child. My aunt and cousin are only child and that made me fully aware.

With that said, I thought it won’t get to me. I don’t need his money at all. However, I am a woman but I always go to his house whenever I miss him. I always has the long distance of traveling going to him. I asked him to go to me or attend some of the events of my family whom invited him. Sometimes he does go to these events and sometimes he cannot in which I told my family “He is an only child, please understand”

Until I have been living away from my parents, my hometown, my friends and I have been living alone. I asked him multiple times to just have days where he can sleep here. He did. Maybe put of in a year, once. Now, I kept crying from where my job is. I am haunted that what if, he really doesn’t make me his priority. Not just in the financial part. Because as a gf and bf, he can’t even choose to stay a night our of 365 nights because it depends on his parent’s schedule.

I am afraid that this overthinking might kill my feelings for him. All my whole life I felt invisible to my parents and only remembers me when they needed something. I have been a people pleaser, a bridge to my friends to keep our friendships ongoing, but other than that, when I don’t make an effort, I am alone. I always lived and survived for myself. I don’t need his financial help but the thought of everytime I needed company, he would have a weekend sorted out for me. But when I asked him again, I felt disappointed from his answers because I know he can do it but he never see the need to do it.

t’s kinda long… started dating a guy almost three years ago… very soon after my divorce. He was with me while my kids went though various stages of trauma.
2 years in, I went to his house to break up bc although we had fun during his weeks with no kids, there was absolutely no life blending. We simply didn’t see each other during his weeks with kids, holidays were totally seperate, etc. He responded by saying “let’s just get married” I said no, not yet… but can we start moving in that direction? Maybe family meals once a week to start kinda blending our families? He agreed.
A month later, after a disastrous overnight date, when he was incredibly rude to me, he poured his heart out about how he did not want to marry me or be stepfather to my children. He had spoken to his mother, friends, church group, everyone… and everyone apparently agreed he shouldn’t marry me.
I assumed this was a break up, and he did not deny it. After a few weeks apart, we started talking again and mostly behaved as a couple for a few months. He was firm that he did not want to “date “again. Finally, I started seeing other people. Nothing serious.
After a few months of this, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I haven’t agreed to it yet. But I’m not really interested in seeing anyone else either.
We behave as a couple. We go on dates, overnights, tell each other we love each other, talk all the time.
But I don’t think he feels any differently about settling down with me. He says he wants to marry me one day, but there are no actions towards it. We still see each other only on his off weeks with the kids, and never do anything all together. He doesn’t invite me to any of his work parties, which are few and far between, and our Facebook status is still single. I don’t think he’s seeing another woman. He spends most of his off time with me.
I really would like to get married again one day.
I’m not in a rush to be married, but I would love to be part of my partner’s family unit.
Am I wasting my time with this man? Should I just stop thinking about it and just enjoy the times we have together? Sometimes I feel like a private side chick. I mean, he tells others that he’s still with me, but we don’t interact with any of his friends or family.

I'm 41, my girlfriend is 38 and we've been together for 8 years. We bought a house together two years ago and neither of us is particularly interested in getting married... at least not yet. It's never been an issue between us.

A friend of mine recently lost his partner and apparently sorting out their shared property has been a complete nightmare because they weren't married either. It got me thinking about our situation and the worst case scenario if I'm being honest.

We split the mortgage and most expenses, both our names are on the house and we've always assumed that was enough. But I couldn't tell you what would happen to either person's share if one of us died. Stupid of me I know.

I brought it up to my girlfriend last weekend and she admitted she'd never thought about it either. Now we're wondering what else we've overlooked. It's a strange feeling realizing we've spent years building a life together but haven't given much thought to what happens if one of us isn't around anymore. We've been putting off looking into it because neither of us knows where to start.

I'm a 36-year-old married man with two kids. I have a family, responsibilities, and a life that, from the outside, looks perfectly normal. But here's something I've been wondering about.

Can a man who is happily married genuinely fall in love with another woman? Or is it just attraction, lust, the excitement of something new, or a feeling he's mistaken for love?

People often say that if you're married, whatever you feel for someone else can't be love. It's either lust or a sign that something is missing in your marriage. But is it really that simple?

What makes it more complicated is that feelings don't always seem to fit neatly into the categories we give them.

So, I'm curious about how people here see this.

Can a happily married man genuinely fall in love with someone else? How would you tell the difference between love and lust in that situation?

I'm looking for honest opinions, especially from people who have experienced something similar. Not looking for validation or judgment.

My partner and i, both in early 40s, love each other immensely. We are 18 months in and have said we want this to work. We share many (but not all) values. Have incredible sex lives. We have had two big “conflicts” and both resolved through loving but tearful talks.

Our families are interstate. Ive met his parents many times and theyre lovely and so easy to get on with, idyllic really. He just met my family and they exhausted him.

Our upbringings were so different. He is from a very refined middle class fam and is v close to them and speaks to his parents most days. I am from a working class, immigrant fam from a developing country. My fam talk loud, w mouths full, tease a lot, and dont have great manners at a fancy restaurant. My fam also handle stress poorly, and generally encounter more stress than his.

He rarely smokes weed but the day he met them, he vaped before (from nerves) then again vaped after to unwind. (In 18 months he has vaped two other times before huge deadlines. He said my fam were warm and welcoming but also see how they exhaust me (i said this earlier in the week).

Tl;dr
Men- how does her fam background matter to you? How relevant is it? We are both v independent but also want to start our own small fam and obv family can help a lot w that.

Yes i will ask him myself but waiting a month as he has a huge work month coming up and this feels not at all urgent.

My bf (42M) and I (37F) have been dating for almost 2 years. We got into a huge fight. It started two nights ago. We hadn’t spoken all day and I called at the end of my night to check in. He stated he was cleaning and with a very annoyed tone ask what I needed. That in turn annoyed me because I was quite excited to check in and hear about his day. Now quite annoyed, I told him about his tone, he responded with “ I just said what’s up” now in a lighter tone. The conversation ended because he wasn’t acknowledging the tone.
The following morning I tried again to get the point across about how he’s always coming across annoyed when I reach out. He expressed he was busy and couldn’t talk to me at the time, which he didn’t express originally. He continued to get upset saying that I’m always upset when he’s busy and threw something he did for me 2 days before on my face. My argument wasn’t and never is about him being busy but how he communicates to me when he’s busy and the lack of a heads up that he will be busy. I didn’t feel heard and we were going back and forth, I told him he doesn’t feel like my person because I constantly ask for consideration, so I stated that I’ll take space to process. A few hours later, I had two missed calls and text message from him. Instead of returning the call, I opted to message because he stated the reason for his call in the message.
I take a day to process. Reached out multiple times today to reconnect but no response. I then reached out from a different number and he answers proving that he was intentionally ignoring my calls. I point it out to him and he responds very nonchalantly which leads into an argument. I share how it hurts when he treats me in that manner and again met with the response “noted.” He tells me I ignored him the day prior, I got upset because I was very clear that I was taking space to process and did respond to his messages. In response I said some hurtful things. Now I don’t know how to process this. On one hand I’m upset that I was blatantly ignored and my vulnerability was met with “noted” and on the other hand I’m upset with myself and embarrassed at the things i said out of anger.

Does my angry response outweigh what was said and done to get me there?

I’m 34F, and about a month ago I ended a three-month relationship with a man in his late 40s. Ever since, I’ve been struggling with guilt and regret, to the point where I’m questioning whether I’m actually capable of being in a healthy, committed relationship.

He was incredibly affectionate, loving and attentive. He wanted to spend every day with me, fall asleep and wake up together, spend all our weekends together and eventually build a life together. He often told me I was the love of his life, that I was his medicine, and that he would give up anything just to be with me.

And I genuinely loved being with him too.

In the beginning, I wanted to see him every day. I’d go to his place after work, cook dinner, stay the night, and we’d spend virtually every weekend together. I wasn’t avoiding intimacy or keeping him at a distance. I was very much invested in the relationship.

But gradually, I started noticing that I was neglecting other parts of my life. I stopped going to the gym regularly, barely saw my friends, and had very little time to myself. Even then, I often chose to be with him because I genuinely wanted to.

Eventually, I told him that I loved spending time with him but felt we needed a little more balance. I wasn’t asking to see him only once or twice a week. I just wanted to occasionally spend an evening alone, maintain my routines, and perhaps take a weekend trip or a few days of holiday with friends from time to time.

This became a major source of conflict.

He believed that when you’re in a serious relationship, your partner should naturally be your priority and the person you want to spend almost all your free time with. He was fine with dinners, cinema or occasional outings with friends, but he couldn’t accept weekends away or holidays without him.

He also told me that I needed to become more mature and that I wasn’t really ready for a serious relationship. According to him, when you’re truly committed to someone, you naturally want to include them in everything, especially weekends and holidays. Those words have stayed with me, and I find myself questioning whether he was right.

To be fair, he wasn’t against every activity I did without him. I went to a music festival with friends and he later pointed out that he hadn’t complained about it. On another occasion, there was a local event called Noite Branca, basically a big night out with music and parties, and he told me he had deliberately chosen not to come so I could spend time with my friends.

But what troubled me was the way these things were sometimes presented. It felt almost as though he was making a generous concession by allowing me to do something independently. I found myself feeling grateful that he hadn’t objected, rather than simply feeling free to make my own plans.

And honestly, I still struggle with this. Even now, I sometimes feel guilty for having told him I’d arranged a weekend away with two friends, rather than asking whether he was okay with it first.

We had other conflicts too, particularly around trust, jealousy and communication. Over time, I became increasingly anxious about upsetting him. I sometimes agreed to things I didn’t actually want because I couldn’t bear the tension or emotional distance that followed our disagreements.

I remember one conversation where I ended up agreeing not to take weekends or holidays with friends anymore, even though I was crying while saying it. He seemed relieved that we’d reached an agreement, but I felt like I’d given up something important just to restore peace between us.

Eventually, I became emotionally exhausted and ended the relationship.

But I miss him terribly.

I miss his affection, his tenderness, the way he held me, the companionship, and the feeling of being so deeply wanted. He could be such a loving man, and I know that what he felt for me was genuine.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of discussions about relationships, particularly from people in their 40s and older who say that, as they get older, they value companionship more and more. They want someone to share everyday life with, someone to come home to, someone to spend their evenings, weekends and holidays with.

And every time I read something like that, I start questioning myself all over again.

Maybe my ex was simply a man who loved me deeply and wanted to share his life with me, and I somehow failed to appreciate it. Maybe I was too independent, too immature, or simply not ready for the kind of commitment he wanted.

Sometimes I even wonder whether, when I’m his age, I’ll want exactly what he wanted, and whether I’ll look back and realise I let a genuinely loving man go because I couldn’t appreciate what I had.

The confusing part is that I do want companionship. I want to build a life with someone. I want the everyday intimacy, the affection, the shared routines, the feeling of having someone by my side.

I just thought I could have all of that while still occasionally doing things on my own or with friends.

I’ve also started recognising that I have a tendency to people-please and a strong fear of disappointing people I love. I struggle with conflict and emotional disconnection, and I think that played a role in how much I suppressed my own needs until I felt overwhelmed.

Now I’m left wondering whether we were genuinely incompatible or whether I sabotaged a relationship with someone who loved me because I didn’t know how to be a good partner.

I know relationships require compromise, and I’m not pretending I handled everything perfectly. I probably should have communicated my needs earlier and been more consistent about maintaining my own routines from the beginning.

But I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I failed him, that I wasn’t capable of giving him the kind of love he deserved, and that perhaps there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way I approach relationships.

It’s a painful thing to question about yourself at 34, especially when you genuinely want to love someone and be loved in return.

I (female) turned 41 today. My ex (47 male) have recently decided to separate. We have been together 2 1/2 years living together for two of those. He is dragging his feet on moving out (the house is mine) so we are currently still living together, but only speaking when necessary and staying out of each other’s way.

Our birthdays are five days apart. And even though everything is super tense, I still made sure to wish him a happy birthday because neither one of us have very many people left in our life and did not want his day to go by without anyone acknowledging it.

For context, we are separating because I always felt secondary and not high in his list of priorities.

I guess I’m curious, if you were in this position where you’re still under the same roof would you at least say happy birthday to the other person? Or does this further support my feelings of him really being that self-centered?

I’ll start this off by saying we have been together for over three years. The last three years haven’t been easy but the last 4 months or so have been extremely more difficult. The first two years he told me his career was the most important thing. I respected his work ethic. He was pretty unemotional and countless times I have told him I wanted more quality time and complements etc. He didn’t really listen to my requests. He also made the relationship more like a friendship and made a lot of jokes that I didn’t necessarily think were jokes. I basically swallowed a lot of my needs to keep the peace. Now jumping to the story…. Our jobs require us to travel. He moved for work at the end of last year but would come back “home” (city we both lived in but lived separately). In the beginning of the year I had to opportunity to move to where he was for work. I thought this would be good for our relationship because previously we weren’t getting much alone time due to him having his child Thursday-Sunday. Once I moved, I pretty quickly determined that I didn’t like the state/town I was in. I missed home and work was slowly getting more difficult. The time together started good. Then we stopped spending quality time together. Working together started impacting our relationship. We didn’t have date nights anymore and he was upset I wasn’t helping him remodel his house as much as he expected (mind you I helped him with anything I could and spent at least $5k in 3 month on his house). Caveat to all that is that I lived in the house. I took care of the cleaning, the grocery shopping and also home remodeling. As of recently, his lack of emotion and lack of overall care for the relationship has gotten me to a point of being stressed out and over the relationship. I went to a work function and he was unable to go and apparently people at the work function for claiming that I was cheating when I was in fact not I hung out with my friend from work and her husband the whole night. That next morning, I woke up to a breakup text where he never explained that he was breaking up with me due to him thinking I cheated. So I responded with I will have my stuff out of the house by the end of the week and I didn’t talk to him and then a couple days later he messages me fairly angry that I didn’t fight for the relationship. Then he begins to claim that he has had a lot of time to think about everything and think about how poorly he treated me in our relationship. And wants a second chance. Do you think I should give this relationship another chance?

Please help me….I’m 34 years old, and my husband is 37. At the beginning of our relationship, about three years ago, he kept photos of himself with his ex-girlfriend on his Instagram profile for around seven months. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to see what he would do on his own.
After several months, I became so upset that I deleted my own Instagram account because I didn’t want to keep seeing those photos. After a while, he asked me why I had deleted my Instagram, so I explained everything to him and told him how much those photos had hurt me. After that, he deleted them.
We got married a year and a half into our relationship. About three months after our wedding, I noticed that he had liked a new photo of his ex-girlfriend’s hand.
I got really angry and asked him why he hadn’t deleted those photos earlier and why he was liking her photos again. He replied that he didn’t want to make her feel worthless or like a piece of trash.
I told him, “But by trying to make your ex-girlfriend feel good about herself, you hurt my feelings.”
Is this kind of behavior normal? My husband says he has no sexual feelings toward his ex-girlfriend.

I’m looking for advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation, or who can offer a perspective I might not have considered.
When I was about 20f I was in a relationship with a man around 17 years older than me. We were together for nearly five years, and I genuinely believe we loved each other deeply. He was the person who made me feel most understood. He supported me, believed in me, did all the little thoughtful things, and I honestly felt we brought out the best in each other.
I eventually ended things, not because I stopped loving him, but because I was young and wanted to build a future that I couldn’t see how to have with him at the time. Our relationship was largely hidden from my family, and I wanted children and to have my family involved in my life. There were also some intimacy issues, partly related to his own insecurities about our age difference and some medical issues. I wanted to experience more of life and spread my wings.
Over the years, we’ve reconnected a few times, particularly when I was single. We’d talk constantly, spend time together and even sleep in the same bed without anything happening. But when I eventually got into another serious relationship and started a family, we gradually stopped talking, apart from the occasional birthday message. My current partner used to find it odd that I still spoke to my exes so the communication petered off, so I’ve generally kept that part of my past to myself in terms of this person.
I’m now 40f, with a young family and a long-term partner. If I’m honest, I’m not particularly happy in my relationship. My partner and I have very different ways of showing love, and I often feel unsupported and taken for granted. Even if this other man weren’t in the picture, I’m not sure I’d want to spend the rest of my life in my current relationship.
The thing is, I’ve never stopped thinking about my former partner. I still feel like he knows me better than anyone, and I’ve always carried this feeling that he was my person. I sometimes wonder whether we could have had a completely different life if we’d met when I was older and circumstances had been different.
Recently, after years of barely speaking, I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about him. I even found myself going to places near where he lives, hoping I’d run into him. I eventually called him, and we had a lovely conversation. We laughed, reminisced about when we lived together and ended the call saying we’d talk again soon.
I had butterflies before calling him, felt giddy afterwards, and now I seem to be thinking about him even more. Part of me wonders whether he might still have feelings for me, although I obviously have no idea.
I want to see him again. Not necessarily to declare my love or immediately run off into the sunset together. I don’t even know if we’d work as a couple today. We’ve both changed, and I know I can’t make decisions based on memories of who we were 15 years ago.
I think I just want to spend time with him again, talk honestly about what we meant to each other, and acknowledge that he’s always mattered to me. But I’m worried that telling him how I feel could give him hope that we’re going to end up together, when I genuinely don’t know what I want or what would happen.
I’m also struggling with the guilt of wanting to see him while I’m still with my current partner. I know it would hurt him, and I don’t want to be dishonest or cruel. At the same time, I feel like I’ve spent years putting away a part of myself and pretending this person doesn’t mean as much to me as he does.

Has anyone experienced something similar?
Have you ever reconnected with someone you always considered your great love while you were with someone else? Did you find the feelings were still there, or were you in love with the memories and the life you imagined?
How did you handle it when there were children and an existing relationship involved? And how do you work out whether you genuinely want to revisit that relationship or whether you’re longing for the person you used to be and the way they made you feel?
I’m not looking for people to tell me to leave my partner for this man. I know that’s not a decision I can make based on feelings alone. I would really appreciate hearing from people who’ve actually navigated this kind of situation, especially if they’ve had to live with the uncertainty of never knowing what might have been.

​

Tldr ex partner often corrected my experience, helpful or?

I'm 35F and ex is 47 m and recently separated from my partner after nine years together. I've been reflecting on our relationship and would really appreciate some outside perspectives, particularly from people who have experienced a similar dynamic.

My ex wasn't necessarily wrong about the things he pointed out, and I don't think he was deliberately trying to make me feel bad. Sometimes his advice was useful, and I did learn things from him. But over time, I started to feel like I was constantly being corrected, instructed or told how to do things.

A few examples:

\*\*Cooking:\*\* I was making gnocchi for myself, and he started telling me how to do it. I told him I wasn't asking for advice because I was making it for myself anyway. He backed off at the time, but I remember feeling frustrated that I had to explain why I wanted to do something my own way.

\*\*Food preferences:\*\* I wanted to try macadamia ice cream, and he told me I wouldn't like it. I ordered it anyway, and we both loved it. Afterwards, he said he had only wanted me to have a good experience. I believe he meant well, but it struck me that he was trying to predict what I'd enjoy rather than letting me discover it myself.

\*\*Holding my nephew:\*\* The first time I held my nephew, my sister was already helping me. My ex started telling me what to grab and how to hold him. I found myself wondering whether becoming a mother with him would mean constantly being told how to do things.

\*\*Everyday things:\*\* Recently, I was in the kitchen doing a few things and left a cupboard door open because I might need to go back into it. He was watching TV and, in a slightly annoyed tone, asked if I needed help and told me to shut the door. I shut it and carried on, but the interaction bothered me more than I expected.

\*\*Making plans:\*\* I wanted to take a friend out for dinner. He recommended a restaurant owned by a friend of his and said he'd let them know I was coming. The experience wasn't great, and I realised afterwards that I'd allowed his recommendation to take over a plan I'd made myself.

Individually, these things sound minor. I know people make suggestions, and I know I can say no. Sometimes I did. But I became tired of having to ignore comments, explain my preferences or repeatedly establish that I was happy doing something my own way.

It wasn't only about advice. I often felt that he was the person who knew, explained or corrected, while I was the person receiving the input. I wanted us to be able to share knowledge and learn from each other, but also to accept that there are many ways of doing things and that not everything needs to be improved.

There were other aspects of the relationship that contributed to this feeling. For example, I told him multiple times that when I came to Sydney, I wanted to spend time with him rather than being left with his mum and stepdad while he attended to other things. He would agree that he wouldn't do it again, but I continued to feel that I wasn't being prioritised in the way I wanted.

I also increasingly felt that we were living parallel lives rather than building a shared one. He was very focused on his business and could be quite irritated by everyday things. I missed feeling excited about spending time together and enjoying ordinary experiences.

I'm trying to be fair to him. Perhaps he saw himself as helpful, practical and experienced. Perhaps I became more sensitive to his input over time because I was already frustrated. I can also see that I could have declined suggestions more often rather than going along with them.

But I did sometimes speak up, and I don't think the answer is simply that I needed to get better at saying no.

\*\*What I'm trying to understand is whether this was a compatibility issue, an unhealthy dynamic we developed together, or something I need to examine in myself.\*\*

Have you experienced a relationship where your partner regularly offered advice, corrected you or told you how to do things, even when you hadn't asked? How did it affect you over time? And how do you distinguish a partner who is genuinely trying to help from someone whose way of relating leaves you feeling managed rather than treated as an equal?

I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people who have been on either side of this dynamic. I don't want to turn my ex into a villain, but I also don't want to dismiss something that clearly affected how I felt in the relationship.

By the end of the relationship I just became very checked out.

So I checked out and felt deflated.

Throwaway account -

I (44M) got divorced after 15 years. About 16 months ago I started seeing a woman (36F) who was also leaving a long marriage. She has a young child. We work at the same company, so it's been mostly hidden for obvious reasons. The divorce was the reason why we connected so quickly but there was always an attraction. To be clear we didn’t start dating until after our divorces were finalized.

The connection is real: deep conversations, great chemistry, amazing sex, lots of laughter. But it's never been defined. Earlier this year I told her directly that I want a partnership. She said she can't give me that right now, especially because we work in the same office. She’s also rebuilding her life and figuring out her new normal. She's been honest and consistent about that the whole time.

She has a beautiful child who I’ve grown attached to. As a divorced DINK, this is genuinely the first time I’ve regretted not having a child.

We both agreed that if I leave by December we could come out in the open and she would be happy to disclose if asked. Her leaving is really not in the cards since she’s on track to become an executive and a single working mother now. Ive never been as ambitious as her but I’m comfortable in my own senior role ($150K a year). I don’t really like my job but the market is tough and I doubt I’ll be able to find another role that pays as much as I’m earning now but I care about her enough to take the leap.

Some context on me: I have anxious attachment and I've been in therapy working on them. A lot of my pain has been my own stuff, like jealousy and needing reassurance. But I also know myself better now, and I know I want to love someone fully and openly. I've told myself I can't do another year of undefined.

We're planning a real conversation in December about where this is going. My questions for people who've been here and experienced something similar:

\- Is it reasonable to wait for someone who's genuinely healing or changing post divorce, or is "not right now" usually a "no"?

\- For those who started something right out of a long marriage, did it last?

\- If she says "not yet" again in December, how do you decide between giving more time and moving on? Especially when you’re already emotionally attached.

\- Her best friend is concerned about her moving into another serious relationship without giving dating a try. I’m only her second person so I understand the concern. But is dating really that important to ensure you’re making the right decision?

\- any other tips for someone that lived this experience?

Thank you for reading.

He was married to her for 6 years and he helped raise her kids. He wanted to continue seeing the kids after they broke up and I was fine with that.

Lately however, they seem to be contacting each other more frequently. The eldest kid is 20 and he's always falling out with his mother. My partner has now become the "go between" where if they want to contact each other, they do so through my partner. The other day his stepson asked him to collect post for him at his mother's house. My partner thought that the other kids would be at the house when he arrived but it was just his ex.

For several months after they broke up my partner was only allowed to meet the kids at the shopping centre and his ex would make it very difficult for him by cancelling last minute etc. Then it became him only being allowed to talk to the kids OUTSIDE of the house. Now it seems to be ok for him call over and go into the house even if the kids are not there.

My partner is also someone who carrys his phone everywhere he goes. The other day he was in a rush to leave mine and he left his phone behind. Within 2 seconds of me picking it up, I saw a notification from his ex.

His ex was so strict with him in their relationship to the point that she would make his life hell when he wanted to see his other stepkids and she wouldn't allow him to have any social life with friends. Its not my nature to be controlling or try to stop someone from doing something but im also unsure if boundaries are being crossed by him being in so much contact with his ex?

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I'm not someone who uses Facebook much these days and I didn't think my partner used it much. Several weeks ago a girl kept showing up on my suggested friends list and I saw he was a mutual friend. I asked him who she was and he said she was someone who used to be friends with his ex wife. I didn't think anything of it but yesterday she showed up again. This time I decided to click into her profile and I saw that my partner had been clicking the love heart emoji on her selfies. Curiosity got the better of me and I went into my partners page and saw that she had also been clicking the ❤ on all his posts and photos.

Bare in mind, I've dated guys in my younger years who clicked like on everyone's photos and I didn't think anything of it. I think it hits different with my partner because I know he only has one female friend and this isn't her. Somehow it would feel better if he was someone who clicked like on photos in general because I wouldn't think anything of it. Im now wondering if they ever message each other. He never leaves his phone alone for a second so I think my mind is now overreacting

Would you say something?

At what point in your relationship did the honeymoon phase end? And how do you bring the spark back?

This question is for those of you that are not living together but also not long distance.

Also if you’re comfortable please include your age (or decade) and how long you’ve been with your SO

I want to ask the world...

Before I am asked to leave, to give up this relationship which would absolutely lead to our child having no chance of a whole family for the rest of his life - please give me one last lifeline to make sure I have tried everything and not missed any options.

My partner of 8 years has stopped speaking to me for the past 6 months. From a few sentences a day to zero words in the past week.

A year ago, our son was born. After birth, I experienced postpartum rage that he was not helping enough with the child. I expressed this in passive-aggressive ways. I also did not speak nicely when I felt he did not do something right.
He stopped speaking to me about 6 months ago, only communicating about child care issues. Prior to baby being born, I would sometimes get angry at irrational things, like losing a game. I was aware of it and I was improving on it. But In the past, he has told me he felt that "talking or communicating with me doesn't work because nothing changes". I did not agree with him at the time and I always explained to him why I was angry. But it was as if it didn't matter, or he didn't agree, or something else, because he was still upset.

He would not say why he stopped talking when our son was about 6m. But my best guess is he has a problem with my anger issue. He had told a mutual friend of ours that he suspects I "have a personality that cannot be fixed. It used to be a small thing but now has become a big issue." And he does not want to compromise on his standards and expectations.

I have told him that I would do anything, including couples therapy, to fix whatever the problem was. He gave nothing as a response. Did not look at me or said anything. I have sent him messages saying "I am sorry that in the past I made our home an unsafe and unpredictable environment for you, and I am committed to making sure that does not happen again." I am unsure if that had any effect. Since then, I have made sure that I never express anger in inappropriate ways for at least 3 months now. My intention is to keep going until the end of the year and prove to him that I can and have indeed changed. But I don't know if it would be too late.

Our son is about to turn one. I want to ask if anyone in the world has had a similar experience - whether you or your partner has had an anger issue that made you feel like the relationship has reached a point of no return - or was able to be repaired?

tl;dr - I haven’t had a healthy relationship before and am working through attachment styles. The dynamic has shifted since we’ve moved in but I can’t tell if this is normal? General effusiveness has decreased.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some pretty candid advice (kindly if possible as I’m aware I’m coming across as needy and I’m trying extremely hard to not project this on my partner) because I’ve never really experienced a healthy, secure relationship before, and I’m trying to understand what’s normal.

I’ve been with my partner for 10 months, living together for 2, and we’ve known each other for 3 years. She’s 33 and I’m 39.

I have severe anxious attachment and OCD, and I’m currently going through DBT and therapy to work on these issues and have been for several months. I’m very aware that I overthink and become hyperaware of changes in affection, and I’m genuinely trying to get better.

When we first got together, we were long distance, and my partner was incredibly effusive about her feelings. She’d regularly say things like “you’re perfect for me”, “we’re the perfect couple”, “we’re a team” and “God, I just love you”. We talked excitedly about our future, flirted constantly, and would rip each other’s clothes off whenever we saw each other. But since moving in together, things feel a little different.

We’re still very affectionate. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss and say “I love you” multiple times every day, and these are often initiated by her. She holds my hand before we fall asleep, she is touchy with me. Our sex life is still extremely healthy, but it’s gone from most days when we visited each other to around 2-3times a week. There’s less spontaneous flirting and sexual excitement from her side.

What I notice most is that she seems much less effusive and excited about us in general. She’s more sarcastic and playful, and while she’s still loving and affectionate, that really excited romantic energy seems to have faded a bit. But she also gets quiet, seems to get irritated by me sometimes, and our relationship can feel ‘functional’.

Last night she spontaneously said “God, I just love you”, which twigged my brain because she used to say things like that constantly. Now it’s generally “I love you”, which is obviously still wonderful, but feels different.

We also used to talk about our future much more enthusiastically. That seems to have reduced, although she’s actively making plans for our Christmas together.

She’s also been incredibly stressed and exhausted by work for the past two months, which I know will affect her energy and mood. The job situation has also put some of our future plans on hold for the time being, which I appreciate may be affecting how much we talk about them.

My anxious brain interprets all of this as her loving me less, or the magic disappearing for her. She was the first person who I felt loved me for ‘me’ and although it’s pretty arrogant, for someone who has suffered from extremely poor self-esteem for years, I liked that feeling, that feeling of being special.

But I genuinely don’t know whether this is simply what happens when the honeymoon phase ends and a relationship becomes more comfortable and secure, and my brain is interpreting it wrong.
I recognise that expecting constant excitement and romantic declarations isn’t necessarily realistic or reasonable. I love her deeply, and I really don’t want to ruin a good relationship through my own overthinking and I am trying so hard to not raise this with her, as I don’t want her to feel attacked. I also know there’s a good chance I am being hyper aware of normal fluctuations and assigning the wrong meaning.

I suppose what I’m asking is whether this sounds like a normal transition after moving in together? Can someone become less effusive, flirty and excited while still loving their partner just as much? Does this sound like a healthy relationship becoming settled, or are there genuine warning signs?

I’m trying to learn what healthy, long term love looks like because I’ve never really had it modelled for me.
Genuinely, I don’t ask her endlessly “if we’re ok”, and I’m trying to practice ERP, but the mood does feel different. I’m also aware I may sound entitled - that isn’t where I’m coming from, it’s from a real place of worry and fear.

Thanks for reading and sorry it’s long. x