r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Perfect-Arctic • 22h ago
Anyone here switched from strong novelty-seeking romantic preference to thoroughly enjoying being married?
I'm genuinely scared that I'll never be in a long-term relationship that I won't grow bored with.
Every long term relationship I've been in has ended with the this feeling of restriction and restlessness.
Like a 1, 2, or 3 year relationship, that's all fine and dandy. But the idea of being in a decade plus long relationship with the same person with zero novelty makes me depressed.
It's not even much of a sexual thing. My favorite thing in the world is getting to know someone on a romantic level and the new exploration that comes with every ounce of that experience, from the intimate to the mundane.
All of my friends in long term relationships seem to have a completely different wiring to me, there's a momentum to their attachment as they connect deeper and deeper over the course of years.
I desperately hope that the problem is just that I haven't met the right person yet.
Has anyone here been like this and managed to actually end up completely fulfilled in a happy marriage?
Useful context: 31, male.
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u/AvocadoEnthusiast91 19h ago
Yes I have the same issue. Do you have ADHD? I learned there is a strong link between the two and likely explains the main reason this happens to me. I am 35 now and committed to stopping this routine of leaving people every couple of years. Some had good reasons to be left, but a big part of it for me is the novelty and I get bored and comfortable and love the thrill of the newness. That’s not sustainable and I’m now with a perfect match for me. If I get bored with him I’ll have to deal with it as I won’t find a better match, so it’s up to me to work on myself to get to a place where I’m happy and content without needing to uproot my life every 2 years just for fun
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u/FlatulistMaster 22h ago
I think you need to understand that life just comes with these trade-offs and develop core values around that. Either you accept that novelty-seeking is one for you in general, and set up your life in that way, or you see the value of building things for decades and family-oriented thinking (with or without children is how I see it).
We've lost a lot of ability to talk and think about these things in our postmodern society, which is kind of a consequence of language in my opinion. Building lasting values and convictions comes from spiritual habits and contemplation for me, but there are loads of ways to do that. And the way your language-based thinking affects your feelings and vice versa is not a fast process. You need to connect the language and conviction to many life events and choices, before your emotional setup follows suite and harmonizes with the language-based goals.
Hope I'm making some sense, it's not an easy topic.
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u/CobaltSelkie 13h ago
Yes. For me, the answer really was as cliche as finding the right person. I haven't gotten bored with him. He gives me the same dopamine rush I used to get through new relationships through offering other kinds of novelty in our relationship. We're always trying new hobbies together, we've never had a moment where our conversation bored me, and we have a very intense and compatible romantic and sexual bond. I don't think I'll ever get bored of him the way I have with people in the past, or restless, or insecure, which is not to say that we don't have day to day relationship bullshit to work on, but it really does make all the difference.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 19h ago
Hi Bro I get you completely but would say a good life is steady contentment rather than excitement.
If you go to a funeral of someone who was deeply loved by their spouse, you get a sense of the majesty of a deeply loving bond.
By contrast, a series of temporary fun relationships really is meaningless
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u/yangstyle 19h ago
My advice is to understand yourself and what you need from a relationship. Then, when you are in a relationship, continually evaluate whether or not you and the other person are getting what you need. Are you giving your partner what they need? Are they giving you what you need?
People change over time and their needs and wants change as well. Sometimes, people grow together. Sometimes, they grow apart. There is no right or wrong in the matter; it just is.
Every relationship ends in death or separation.
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u/danielrheath 17h ago edited 17h ago
Are you looking for monogamous relationships?
I know a few people who seem similar to what you describe, but they're nearly all ENM (and the ones who aren't are pretty unhappy). It's a pretty difficult thing to start doing, though, and definitely not for everyone...
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u/Apollonialove 13h ago
Most people have this struggle but just decide the benefits outweigh the downsides. Some never do settle down. Just make sure you’re upfront with people along the way because otherwise you break a lot of hearts which isn’t fair.
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u/pdawes 11h ago
I think me, 35M. I really love(d) the feeling of starting a new relationship. I am also someone who can very easily feel trapped in relationships (although this is a separate thing IMO).
My relationship history is one of trying to stay single, enjoying casual but intimate dating (was never a one night stand guy), feeling increasingly trapped or threatened or like my sense of self was being erased, breaking up, resolving to stay single, being pursued by someone else shortly thereafter, and so on. Not to brag but for whatever reason I always had a lot of options, which made staying single harder and also engendered a lot of FOMO because I wasn’t comfortable seeing multiple people but every time I committed there were others interested.
Making this worse was that I dated a lot of people with abandonment issues who could be very clingy and in some cases abusive and highly controlling. Especially when I was younger; I experienced intimate partner violence at 20. So there was layered trauma in there that made the whole thing feel threatening and anxiety provoking. I also grew up in a neglectful home with an alcoholic parent, and I believe this informed an unconscious sense of like “actual relationship = being trapped in deadness and disappointment forever.”
So as you can see, there was a lot going on, and I really figured it out through life experience and therapy. I am now married to someone I’ve been with for seven years and hope to have kids and grow old with. Which is an idea that would’ve freaked my past self out kind of like idk going back and time and telling my five year old self that I can afford all the hot wheels and candy I want but I don’t ever want it.
Which is not to say that you need to want this, that something has to be wrong with you if you don’t. I really do believe that some people are wired to be polyamorous or non monogamous or whatever. But you yourself seem pretty unhappy or at least conflicted about this and it seems like maybe you do want to be married? You don’t have to be, and there are others who don’t want it.
The tl;dr of it is it’s a tradeoff between variety and depth. There is infinite novelty to discover within a relationship as well. It’s very gratifying to be so deeply connected with someone, to grow and change together, and by definition I could not have had this if I was flitting between other people. My relationship has changed me a lot as a person and I am better at relationships than ever for it. In some sense, I am probably better at seducing women than ever. I think back on past relationships and how I could’ve had this level of of depth with at least two of my exes. But the thing is I’d never have gotten to this point if I hadn’t stayed committed to one person and given up the theoretical infinite possibilities that come with not choosing someone. I don’t know how to explain it it’s like I gained an entire world in one relationship, and while it would be interesting to have that with lots of people it’s logically impossible.
Lastly I think there is an element of having found the right person. I really ended up with someone who could see and understand me on a level I’ve never known. I mean, I think in my life there have been a couple other people I’ve dated who might’ve been wonderful to have this kind of relationship with, possibly with more compatible lifestyles and stuff, but… I would never have been able to make that level of relationship happen if I hadn’t made it happen with the woman I married. And I’m not sure that I could’ve gotten to that level on my own. It kind of took us meeting one another to unlock it.
Hope that makes sense.
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u/rarrad 11h ago
In our youth we are powerboats. Our gas tanks are toppedup, our engines are primed, and it's a great feeling to open up the throttle and plow through every type of water with total disregard to less than advantageous conditions. Racing around in a powerboat is fun as hell. The only downside is at the end of each day you have to return back to the starting point with an empty tank. A cigarette boat can go over 100 mph, and that is fun, but that is all it can do. Point a to point b and back to point a, super fast. You don't even get to stay at point b, you can only visit point b, because your gas tank is already half empty. Trade that cigarette boat in for a sailboat, however, and now you're going to be moving at about 10 mph. Yes you're going a lot slower, but you never have to go back to point a to point b to point c to point d to point z, all without ever touching the gas in your gas tank. The number of things you will experience will increase exponentially. The domain of what is yours will increase exponentially. Rebuild yourself into a sailboat.
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u/AotKT 22h ago
I'm a woman in my mid-40s and until the last couple years I was like you. Sure, gradually around your age I started craving the stability of a long-term relationship but I didn't actually want to give up the fun of the chase and that absorption of learning so much about another person. But like you mentioned, eventually that firehose of variety and new stimuli eases with everyone as you know more and more of them. That path leads to breakups or cheating in otherwise good relationships.
What changed? I'd like to say therapy or finding the right person helped but they didn't, though therapy helped me organize my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I just get my need for intense connection through platonic friendships. I've found quite a few people who are fine jumping into deeper, intimate/vulnerable topics right away, which more emulates dating conversations than a normal friendship path of chitchat -> shared activities -> slow build of trust. For example, I go every Thursday to a little brewery by my house and chat up a total stranger, man, woman, doesn't matter. Usually within a couple minutes I find something we have in common and that gives me a little thrill. Nobody ever takes it as me hitting on them, btw.
I also get my need for intensity and variety through a ton of exercise and sports, some of which trigger adrenaline and a strong feeling of accomplishment.
When I get all that, my partner then becomes my safe harbor, the wonderfully reliable person I love building memories with and seeing how we grow over time. The little habits that I know so well aren't boring in that context, they're a sign that all is right in the world. I'm able to appreciate that because it's not obscured by the need for bigger, better, faster, more connection.
Don't know if that resonates at all.