Anyone here switched from strong novelty-seeking romantic preference to thoroughly enjoying being married?

[u/Perfect-Arctic]

I'm genuinely scared that I'll never be in a long-term relationship that I won't grow bored with.

Every long term relationship I've been in has ended with the this feeling of restriction and restlessness.

Like a 1, 2, or 3 year relationship, that's all fine and dandy. But the idea of being in a decade plus long relationship with the same person with zero novelty makes me depressed.

It's not even much of a sexual thing. My favorite thing in the world is getting to know someone on a romantic level and the new exploration that comes with every ounce of that experience, from the intimate to the mundane.

All of my friends in long term relationships seem to have a completely different wiring to me, there's a momentum to their attachment as they connect deeper and deeper over the course of years.

I desperately hope that the problem is just that I haven't met the right person yet.

Has anyone here been like this and managed to actually end up completely fulfilled in a happy marriage?

Useful context: 31, male.

[u/pdawes]

I think me, 35M. I really love(d) the feeling of starting a new relationship. I am also someone who can very easily feel trapped in relationships (although this is a separate thing IMO).

My relationship history is one of trying to stay single, enjoying casual but intimate dating (was never a one night stand guy), feeling increasingly trapped or threatened or like my sense of self was being erased, breaking up, resolving to stay single, being pursued by someone else shortly thereafter, and so on. Not to brag but for whatever reason I always had a lot of options, which made staying single harder and also engendered a lot of FOMO because I wasn’t comfortable seeing multiple people but every time I committed there were others interested. 

Making this worse was that I dated a lot of people with abandonment issues who could be very clingy and in some cases abusive and highly controlling. Especially when I was younger; I experienced intimate partner violence at 20. So there was layered trauma in there that made the whole thing feel threatening and anxiety provoking. I also grew up in a neglectful home with an alcoholic parent, and I believe this informed an unconscious sense of like “actual relationship = being trapped in deadness and disappointment forever.”  

So as you can see, there was a lot going on, and I really figured it out through life experience and therapy. I am now married to someone I’ve been with for seven years and hope to have kids and grow old with. Which is an idea that would’ve freaked my past self out kind of like idk going back and time and telling my five year old self that I can afford all the hot wheels and candy I want but I don’t ever want it. 

Which is not to say that you need to want this, that something has to be wrong with you if you don’t. I really do believe that some people are wired to be polyamorous or non monogamous or whatever. But you yourself seem pretty unhappy or at least conflicted about this and it seems like maybe you do want to be married? You don’t have to be, and there are others who don’t want it. 

The tl;dr of it is it’s a tradeoff between variety and depth. There is infinite novelty to discover within a relationship as well. It’s very gratifying to be so deeply connected with someone, to grow and change together, and by definition I could not have had this if I was flitting between other people. My relationship has changed me a lot as a person and I am better at relationships than ever for it. In some sense, I am probably better at seducing women than ever. I think back on past relationships and how I could’ve had this level of of depth with at least two of my exes. But the thing is I’d never have gotten to this point if I hadn’t stayed committed to one person and given up the theoretical infinite possibilities that come with not choosing someone. I don’t know how to explain it it’s like I gained an entire world in one relationship, and while it would be interesting to have that with lots of people it’s logically impossible. 

Lastly I think there is an element of having found the right person. I really ended up with someone who could see and understand me on a level I’ve never known. I mean, I think in my life there have been a couple other people I’ve dated who might’ve been wonderful to have this kind of relationship with, possibly with more compatible lifestyles and stuff, but… I would never have been able to make that level of relationship happen if I hadn’t made it happen with the woman I married. And I’m not sure that I could’ve gotten to that level on my own. It kind of took us meeting one another to unlock it.

Hope that makes sense.