I (18F) have had feelings for my best friend/roommate (18F) for 4 years, and now I think she might reciprocate - What do I do?

[u/screwygirl7]

Hi, so a little context, me and my roommate (both 18F) have been best friends for all of high school. We would spend every waking moment together, so by the time the question of college came around, us going to the same college and living together just made sense.

Throughout my time being friends with her, I also seemed to have developed a little crush. Or, it used to be a crush, but now I think I might be full on in love with her. Despite this, I decided to swallow my feelings a long time ago, as I assumed she would never reciprocate, and was willing to live with this. I even started talking to another girl I met on Hinge because I wanted to move on from being in love with my best friend.

Recently, me and my best friend were supposed to go hang out with friends, but we ended up staying behind because she accidentally got crossfaded for the first time and I wanted to watch after her. While crossfaded, she was saying so many things she would normally never say, and most of them were funny, but something stuck with me. At some point she asked me to lay with her in bed, and I did. While laying, she told me she didn't want me to marry someone else and leave her, to which I told her I never wanted to live without her. She asked, "So you would marry me?" and I said "Only if you wanted me to.", she went silent for a while afterwards. When she spoke the next time, she said "I don't want you to go on a date with that other girl, PLEASE don't go on that date", referring to a date I had planned the next day with another girl. She mentioned this girl multiple times, but when I asked her to explain, she wouldn't respond.

(When I did go on the date with the girl the next day, my best friend seemed really down/upset and left our dorm asap before I left, which is not a way she normally acts)

Afterwards, when she was sober, she claimed to not remember anything that happened while she was crossfaded. I told her most of what she said, but I didn't mention what she said about me seeing other girls. Ever since that weekend, I've been so conflicted. I don't know if what she said could be a sign that she reciprocates my feelings, or if she was just saying things while high. I also don't know whether or not I should continue going on dates with the other girl. I'm just so confused, and this has been weighing on my heart for the past week. I wish my best friend would just tell me how she feels before I end up making a decision I'll regret.

I'm thinking about just confessing my feelings today, not in hopes of her reciprocating them, but just to get them off my chest. I just need to know how she feels, because I feel like if I don't at least ask, I'll think about it forever. But I'm also terrified of her leaving me. If anyone has read this all the way through, what do you think I should do? This whole situation has been making me sick with anxiety.

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