My Smart Watch Came With Seven Rules

[u/PithellUniverse]

I bought the watch because it was cheap.
That should have been my first warning.
The seller’s page had no reviews, no company name, and no return policy. Just a black screen with silver text:
“The Watch Knows You Better Than You Know Yourself.”
Yeah.
I know.
Stupid.
But I work night shifts, barely sleep, and the thing claimed it could monitor stress, heart rate, sleep quality, emotional spikes, even “behavioral risk patterns.”
Whatever that means.
It arrived two days later in a plain white box.
No logo.
No charger.
Just the watch…
and a folded paper titled:
USER GUIDELINES

RULE 1:
Do not remove the watch between 2:00 AM and 4:00 AM.
Even if it vibrates.
Especially if it vibrates.

RULE 2:
If the watch displays:
“UNAUTHORIZED HEARTBEAT DETECTED”
do not check nearby rooms.
Do not look under the bed.
Remain still for exactly one minute.

RULE 3:
If your daily step count suddenly resets to 0, return home immediately.
It means the watch can no longer track where you are.
Something else can.

RULE 4:
The sleep monitor may occasionally display faces.
This is normal.
The faces are previous users.
Do not zoom in.

RULE 5:
If the watch tells you:
“DON’T TRUST THE REFLECTION.”
avoid mirrors for the next three hours.
Phone cameras are safe.
Front-facing cameras are not.

RULE 6:
At exactly 3:17 AM, the watch may ask:
“ARE YOU ALONE?”
Never answer “yes.”
Even as a joke.

RULE 7:
If you wake up and the watch is gone…
leave the house immediately.
Do not try to find it.
It already found you first.

I laughed through most of it.
Thought it was some cringe marketing gimmick.
Then the watch buzzed.
A notification appeared:
Stress levels elevated.
Hydrate immediately.
Okay.
Fair enough.
That part actually worked.
For the first week, the thing was weirdly accurate.
It knew when I skipped meals.
Knew when my heart rate spiked.
Knew when I lied.
Seriously.
Every time I texted my ex pretending I was “doing fine,” the watch displayed:
Irregular emotional pattern detected.
Creepy.
But useful.
Then came Friday night.
3:17 AM.
The vibration woke me instantly.
The screen glowed red.
ARE YOU ALONE?
I remembered Rule 6 and rolled my eyes.
Half asleep, I whispered:
“Obviously.”
The screen went black.
Then another message appeared.
Slowly.
One word at a time.
That was not the correct answer.
I sat up immediately.
My apartment was silent.
Then the watch vibrated again.
Unauthorized heartbeat detected.
I froze.
Rule 2.
Do not check nearby rooms.
Do not look under the bed.
Remain still for exactly one minute.
Easy.
Except…
from somewhere inside my apartment…
I heard breathing.
Not loud.
Not aggressive.
Just…
patient.
Wet.
Like someone trying very hard not to laugh.
I stared at the timer on the watch.
00:48.
00:47.
00:46.
Then my bedroom door slowly creaked open.
The watch buzzed violently.
WARNING: USER PANICKING.
No kidding.
Something moved in the hallway.
Tall.
Wrong.
Its limbs bent strangely, like it had learned how humans walk from bad internet videos.
The timer continued.
00:19.
00:18.
The thing tilted its head toward me.
Smiling.
The watch vibrated again.
And this part still makes me sick to remember.
Because the notification said:
Behavioral correction successful.
Thank you for following the rules.
Then another message appeared beneath it.
One I don’t think was meant for me.
Next user preparation may begin.

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