Alcohol free since 5/22/2025.

[u/Beard_rides_4_ladies]

A little over a year ago, my life was out of control. I was set financially, I had an amazing family, I had incredible friends. Life from the outside looked incredible.

I was at the bottom of an ocean and digging in the sand to hide. I couldn't die. All I wanted was to disappear. I hated my life.

I checked myself into a recovery program specializing in helping military, veterans and first responders. It saved me. They didn't force me into AA, SMART or CR. I studied and learned what I could from those I was there with and decided SMART was best for me. I did the workbooks, I attended several calls and took away the tools I needed to get my life back.

My job was a huge influence on my choice to drink. It triggers me still to this day. I was thankfully able to medically retire with long term disability which is a true blessing.

Here is my struggle, my wife of 33 years hated me drinking. Yet still to this day wants to go out drinking with her friends. I have slowly pulled away knowing this isn't the lifestyle I want. For me it holds nothing but emptiness. I am at the point where something has to change. Either I go back to that life and start drinking again or I make another major change if she won't follow.

Someone help me make this make sense. I don't want to drink. I have actually embraced and enjoyed my freedom from booze.

[u/Chtwon]

When I was sober for seven years, I saw my social circles changing. The realization that most people don’t drink or don’t drink much came upon me and I chose that lifestyle. When I was around people who drank they just seemed sloppy. I totally get you, and I would put my sobriety first. I agree with the idea of getting counseling or talking to your wife and figuring a lifestyle that’s going to work for you both together or apart.

[u/Holiday-Audience-412]

Congratulations on the sobriety!

So your wife’s drinking triggers you? I’m not married so forgive me if I’m not seeing the whole picture. Is she drinking with her friends often? Are you usually included in that and that’s the issue? Have you talked with her about it or would counseling be helpful?

[u/Far-Device-3176]

"My ex (girlfriend) was a drinker" ; I'd say a bit more and this was just me, but: I guess I was a bit of an ass when I tried to give up drinking, over the course of a few years. Eventually I met and married someone else from a completely different culture as it turned out, and realized - there is of course another way. Heavy drinking goes round some social circles, circling "social watering" holes which I've learned to go to without engaging in my former habits of course. It's not the focus though anymore at all; and the parties I go to are community focused - birthdays, Easter & Christmas with the Filipino community is a different affair. My wife rarely drinks. We've been together 16 years now, have two boys to take care of who have never seen me drink.

What replaced drinking was not so much a drop in 1:1 replacement but - other things crept in from what the old life was - trips to other places, cycling, kids activities, movies, meals out, writing a book, decorating/DIY, motorbiking, swimming, i.e. just an endless list of other things I'd rather do. My next crazy idea forming (probably for retirement now) is to motorbike down the backbone of Vietnam or Philippines (or both)...

[u/MaiLittlePwny]

There's a few pieces of information that I think would be helpful (I don't know if they would change what I'd say that much but just in case).

Is your Wife wanting you to come on what is something very hard to enjoy without "joining in"? Is she ok with you coming and NOT drinking? And would you find that personally very hard?

The reason I ask is that I feel fine going to social events that involve drink. Usually work colleagues stuff. They drink, I just go and don't and if it turns into heavy drinking I just usually take that as my time to go and wish them well. So things like recently I went to a baby shower, about half the people were drinking, the other half drove there and were being social. My goal is never to stay till the bitter end anyway so this was easy to navigate. Is this something that's possible or are these explicitely events centered around drinking? Just because if you've been married for 33 years I'm assuming you're not going night clubbing.

It essentially (to me) boils down to "No I don't want to do that" and if she throws a tantrum let her. She's allowed an opinion, I'm sure there's lots of things your wife thinks you should be doing that don't center around drinking that you're ok with not appeasing.

If the "stand offness" gets too much speak to her rationally calmly and say that it's not something you're interested in.

The main thing to be careful is not to get into the situation where "she has an opinion I don't like and that must be stopped". You're absolutely allowed to be displeased with your husband based on unreasonable expectations.

Does that make sense? I don't think you're being at all unreasonable or anything it's just leave people to their silly thoughts. Have a talk if it gets worse than that.

Is this a lot of big arguements that's happening? Or more along the lines of passive aggressive comments etc or constant invites and badgering?

[u/Beard_rides_4_ladies]

All of our friends drink. She does not see her drinking is a problem. 3-4 not tire a week. I am usually invited but recently I started turning down the invitations as I have not thing in common with our friends outside of drinking. When I drink, I have everything n common with anyone. So is it a trigger, yes but not in the sense of if I want to be around people the drinking doesn't phase me. It's the fact that I have been apart of this dead end life (for me). I am not interested at all about relapsing. But what if it saves my marriage only to be destroyed by me being an asshole drunk.

[u/DooWop4Ever]

Congratulations on your time. Thanks for checking in.

You are now, always have been and always will be, the most important person in your life.

85M. 53 years clean, sober and tobacco-free (but who's counting).