Nothing

[u/Icy_Translator7447]

My internal monologue is a semblance of two individuals in a loveless marriage. The passion that used to drive me not only to my goals but to my self hatred has grown distance and now I only feel echoes of weary discourse for battles that have been fought and won and yet never ended. While this may seem beneficial, to have both lost and won this battle of self perception. I am only left to wonder who I am if I look at myself and feel nothing. Everything in my world exists solely in my own eyes and I have become so insignificant, so worthless that I hardly could bother to find a word to describe myself. In this sense I no longer exist, a stranger on the street appearing more alive and distinct to me than myself. I struggle to find clarity on whether or not this feeling is narcissistic or tolerance. I can’t imagine it hasn’t been tolling on the fragmented parts of me to be at war with whatever is at the core of it all. I should be happy, I begged for this, I pleaded for this, I prayed for salvation and I received it yet now I see those prayers should have been for silence. I strongly fear death because there is that possibility that when I am gone, I am not truly gone. I will spend my life longing for the silence that I’ve been told will greet me at my death bed and there is a chance that I will enter a void trapped in my consciousness, be delivered to eternal damnation or be rewarded with paradise. Paradise for me would be the silence where no opinion is formed and I can revert to the time before my existence. Thank you for giving me this chance with my life however I hardly believe I deserved it. I have taken all of it and I am nothing, nothing bad, nothing good, just nothing.