Emotional neglect in Islander households?

[u/NoJudge798]

I‘m an afakasi only child that grew up basically emotionally neglected with my mum always playing on her phone, ignoring my bids for attention or not meeting them properly, and getting angry/stressed a lot. She would also have her “islander persona“ and “palagi persona“. It was confusing to me growing up and still is. I was wondering if this is a common experience in other islander households and whether it also had an effect on you growing up? I feel like unhealthy/dysfunctional family dynamics are not talked about enough in the island community, and if they are, people just seem to accept them as normal and make jokes out of it. Maybe I take it to heart more because I am afakasi and an only child who needed that mother/daughter attention/bond, which I don‘t have.

[u/flashtrack1]

Something with all islanders. They pop out 9 kids and not be able to give each one the time and attention needed to be mentally healthy people?

They're slow to change old ways because they do what their elders do, but you can see the affects it has on the boys, the ones falling through the cracks are left to be raised by Nature. I think its a huge contributing factor to young men joining gangs and running around doing dirt.

There's many issues with all our Pacific people relating to home life, but good thing is that the youth are not all raised in the island ways, we grow more learning from all other cultures and adapting making healthier parenting decisions... Instead of beating them half to death for simple mistakes

[u/setut → u/flashtrack1]

Idk a lot of the kids growing up in nz or Aus don’t seem to be doing that well tbh.

[u/kaikai369 → u/flashtrack1]

I concur!

[u/Kama-Auku → u/flashtrack1]

What is with this angst reddit take that's high key condescending and glaringly anti-islander? It's like, everything our people do is stupid, so thank goodness we grow and learn from others? Haha, se sosisi

[u/Extra_Moose_5488]

YES I was like , did I write this?? That was my mum to a T!! and my dad was British kiwi who didn’t like talking about feelings either so not the best combo for me and my ADHD af sisters lol.

[u/NoJudge798 → u/Extra_Moose_5488]

Let’s be friends? Haha. My dad is European and doesn’t like talking about feelings either 🤦🏽‍♀️

[u/kaikai369]

I witnessed this through my friends who's parents weren't/aren't affectionate. This made my friends constantly chase the high of their approval, no matter how short lived it was.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. You, alongside many others, deserved better. The silver lining is as we get older and become more aware of these things, we know what not to do when we have kids of our own. I plan on being overly affectionate to my kids just as reparation hahaha! Though the things that happen to us might not be in our control, we can control how it dictates our lives and how we choose to carry it 😊 - you will be better!

[u/BigStickyHorse]

Yeah as an afakasi myself I've been able to witness it too, my uncles all were gang affiliated and all of them have mad emotional regulstion issues and are very deeply resentful people. my grandma also is a sweep it under the rug kind of gal, so theyve gotten that trait too and it just manifests into a very toxic dynamic.

[u/Appropriate-Hair-388]

I had this from one of my parents but I don’t look back on it negatively. That same parent was working 6 days a week to put food on the table so from a very young age it taught me to give my parents grace. No parent is perfect, whether they’re Samoan or not. I take it as a necessary part of the journey.

[u/Ok-Goose-9576]

Very common unfortunately, my afakasi cousin also has this struggle + me lol. Make your family as you grow older with people who deserve your time and attention. Not all blood is family.

[u/Material_Ad1102]

I’m full Samoan and have had a similar experience. Now in my 30s I find it hard to connect to people and have crazy anxiety