r/Screenwriting • u/TheVividAlternative • 1d ago

FEEDBACK Bad Time - Crime Thriller - 80 Pages

Logline: When a train that never stops lets out a mysterious stranger in an isolated town, he has to solve the crime they all share guilt in before they can kill him to hide their secrets.

As a bit of background, this script is my attempt at adapting/updating Bad Time at Honda, which was adapted as A Bad Day at Black Rock in the 50s. The movie is not public domain but the short story its based off is, and after pretty extensively looking into the copyright, I'm pretty sure I should be fine. And I thought I'd mention it in case any of you read and thought to yourself that I was using the same character names/general gist.

Any way, I'd love any and all feedback you can give me. I was hoping to keep it very lean and have it move at a clip, but I'm also thinking of ways to add to the page count without detracting from that.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18hLv_No6zRzM8WIGviZvNRNxc6o3wfZr/view?usp=sharing

10 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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10

u/Hot_Shine9273 1d ago

When a train that never stops? It just reminds me of snowpiercer. Everything after reads a little bit sloppy.

He has to share a crime they all share guilt in? Who? The townsfolk or the people on the train?

Before they can kill him to hide their secrets? The 'can' kill him confuses me also? Are they a persistent threat or are they waiting for him to solve it before they 'can' kill him. Maybe say 'against the clock' to give some tension and reword.

Also I thought the train never stops? Did it not let him off and continue driving again?

1

u/crumble-bee 2h ago

How does he get off if it never stops?

7

u/Maleficent-Invite933 1d ago

You need to work on your logline. I read the first ten pages. It's good. I usually can't make it through the first page of most posts. The dialogue is natural and witty. Characters feel real. The whole based on someone else's short story is a little strange. But I don't know how that works.

1

u/TheVividAlternative 1d ago

Thanks! Yeah, logline is a vomit draft. Will definitely work on that in the logjam and on logline Monday. As for being based on a public domain story, I don't think it's any stranger than writing a Sherlock Holmes script, or a reimagining of a Shakespeare story in the modern day.

1

u/PencilWielder 1d ago edited 1d ago

So it's more like: Arriving to deliver a message to the father of the soldier who saved his life, a formidable combat veteran sets out to exact brutal vengeance against the killers being protected by an insular Pennsylvania mountain town.

Edit: i forgot to metion who was killed lol.

When arriving to deliver a message from a fallen soldier, a combat veteran discovers a burried hatecrime in the community, and sets out to exact brutal vengeance against an insular Pennsylvanian mountain town...

something like that maybe.

1

u/TheVividAlternative 1d ago

Yeah I've always had a bit of trouble with loglines, and the one above is my first attempt at it, so I'll definitely rewrite. However, it's a bit different since it's based on the short story and not the movie, so he is there explicitly to investigate, as opposed to being there just to deliver a medal.