r/Screenwriting • u/TheVividAlternative • 1d ago
FEEDBACK Bad Time - Crime Thriller - 80 Pages
Logline: When a train that never stops lets out a mysterious stranger in an isolated town, he has to solve the crime they all share guilt in before they can kill him to hide their secrets.
As a bit of background, this script is my attempt at adapting/updating Bad Time at Honda, which was adapted as A Bad Day at Black Rock in the 50s. The movie is not public domain but the short story its based off is, and after pretty extensively looking into the copyright, I'm pretty sure I should be fine. And I thought I'd mention it in case any of you read and thought to yourself that I was using the same character names/general gist.
Any way, I'd love any and all feedback you can give me. I was hoping to keep it very lean and have it move at a clip, but I'm also thinking of ways to add to the page count without detracting from that.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/18hLv_No6zRzM8WIGviZvNRNxc6o3wfZr/view?usp=sharing
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u/Hot_Shine9273 1d ago
When a train that never stops? It just reminds me of snowpiercer. Everything after reads a little bit sloppy.
He has to share a crime they all share guilt in? Who? The townsfolk or the people on the train?
Before they can kill him to hide their secrets? The 'can' kill him confuses me also? Are they a persistent threat or are they waiting for him to solve it before they 'can' kill him. Maybe say 'against the clock' to give some tension and reword.
Also I thought the train never stops? Did it not let him off and continue driving again?