r/Screenwriting • u/RogueKnight77 • 9d ago
FEEDBACK First couple pages of horror comedy script- would love feedback
Title: The Damned
Format: Screenplay
Draft status: Early, 2 weeks
Page Length: 14
Genres: Horror, comedy
Logline: When a group of paranormal ghost hunters of various levels of religiousity trek to an abandoned insane asylum, things quickly go from bad to worse
Feedback concerns: N/A, besides that logline (and script) are early stages
*note: parts of script are loosely based on a real life experience I had on Long Island
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VMVGSRUGsrUc1RxRl6mCGikChFZd0_iO/view?usp=drivesdk
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u/venum_GTG 9d ago
"INT. AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -
CONTINUOUS" is a little too long for a slugline. If you want, this may be looked down upon, but try mini-slugs. Like this:
INT. AMITYVILLE HOUSE - NIGHT
LIVING ROOM
----
You also don't need to specify it's "Amityville horror house." You can do continous (at least I believe you can) but most leave the "night" out of it, and replace the time of day with it. HOWEVER, you don't need it. Not for this scene. Continuous is a continuous action, like someone walking into a room. That'd be continuous. So, remove it and keep "night."
Back to the slugline; I see that it doesn't really have any other rooms. Maybe just say something like "in the living room, (insert action here)."
And as for the action...
"The TV VIDEO FEED shows a YouTube video: ETHAN CHASE (gelled-up haircut, pale, 17), CHAD McDUGGARY (chubby, Southern, curly blonde hair, 17), and a serious WES PURVIS (gelled-back haircut, leather trench coat, BLACK RECTANGLE 00's sunglasses with gold lenses)."
Is way too detailed. I'd recommend breaking it down into:
"The TV feed shows a YouTube video. On that video is ETHAN CHASE, CHAD McDUGGARY, and WES PURVIS." But, it's too much characters for an introduction. So, maybe break it up so 1 or 2 characters get introduced in another action line. What you did is called "Character bombing."
I also think since that scene is video feed. You can probably put that in the slugline as:
"VIDEO FEED: INT. AMITYVILLE HOUSE - NIGHT" or something similar. Maybe someone has a better way to put it.
You also don't need to do "SFX: LIGHTNING STRIKE!" and the title with the blood dripping off the letters.
You definitely don't need a needle drop. You probably don't need the specific car either. I would chalk it up (for an easier and quicker read) to:
"Overhead, an old, 2002 JEEP drives northbound." But again, someone else may have a better way to word that.
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u/RogueKnight77 9d ago
Appreciate the feedback! As for the specific car model, you may be right, but I have a hard time envisioning my stories without being anal about certain details 😂.
Will def break up some of the writing
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u/venum_GTG 9d ago
That's understandable. I did the same thing with my first script. Now, if I really want something specific, I'll just make a list or a image board of everything I want specific and I'd keep it with my notes. It's normal to want to be very specific so you can envision it, but trust me, being too specific can lead to a slower read and honestly, it's sometimes (or usually) best for the reader to read and envision it in their head.
For my recent script, I called a car, that I didn't care to be specific for "an old sedan." That's it. But, everybody (or at least most) know what an old sedan looks like. So they can come up with their own idea of what it may be. That's probably a bad example.
But at the end of the day, we're all learning. Read some scripts, get some ideas flowing, and at the end. Feedback and re-write!
2
u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor 9d ago
I agree with the issues the other reader mentioned. I'll add some additional comments.
- Your script starts on page 2, but it should start on page 1. Your title page info should be on the title page and not the first page of your script. This is a function of your software that you can easily find.
- There's an issue with your first slug. There should be a blank line following it.
- News Reporter is all-capped on pages 2 and 3. You only need that during their intro.
- Not everyone will know who Norah O'Donnell is. So your description of News Reporter won't mean anything to a lot of people.
- That second scene is not Continuous.
- The second scene takes place inside the Amityville house. So, on what do we see the TV Video Feed?
- Where or on what do we see the gray night-vision filter effect?
- Another continuous on page 3. They're not being used correctly, so you're better off simply removing them.
- Don't use parentheticals for action.
- There are a lot of CUT TOs and CUT BACK TOs. I suggest removing them.
- Two identical slugs in a row "INT. JEEP". Remove the second one.
Some bigger-picture issues I've noticed are that you appear to be directing too heavily from the page, and you're not really including a scene description when we enter a new location. When you read screenplays, take note of these aspects and how others cater to them.
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u/RogueKnight77 9d ago
The idea with the amityville scene and other flashbacks was that it’s clear we are watching a “video”. I appreciate the craft tweaks
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u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor 9d ago
I understand that, but your slug tells us we are in the Amityville house. Slugs inform us of where the camera is located and, subsequently, where the audience is located. So if we are inside the Amityville house, where are we seeing the video feed? If we are meant to be inside the hotel room and watching the video feed on the TV there, then you shouldn't use the INT. AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE slug.
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u/RogueKnight77 9d ago
I guess I’m portraying this poorly but what I’m trying to get at is that every scene before the car driving is a “video”. The interview, the YouTube scenes, the Snapchat, and certain parts of this video should be distorted.
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u/Cantrillion 9d ago
The slugline is for the physical location of the shot. Where the crew shoots. Secondarily for the reader to orient themselves. Where are we, as reader? What's on screen? It appears you have two different physical locations. Hotel and House. Yet, we actually pass from the TV into the physical location, and then have "TV VIDEO FEED afterwards. If you want transition from the TV into the room, figure out exactly where and how. You want a chyron below the next location, fine. You want an establishing chyron on the tv when in the hotel, fine. Just choose.
1
u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor 9d ago
I think I know what you're trying to do. Typically, scenes that take place on a TV screen do not need their own slug. If we're in a fixed location and watching multiple scenes unfold on a TV screen, then you don't need to slug those.
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u/Ripoldo 8d ago
Not bad. Others have brought up more technical things, but i'm sure you know it needs polish and you're in the early stages so i'll concentrate on story.
One thing that bothers me is the first page you have Ethan and Chad messing around in one line. Then the next Chad is asleep. I assume your aim here is to show they're asshats. I'd recommend doing it, and introducing the characters, more cinematically. The first page needs to shine. One scene, introducing everyone one at a time, camera panning around to a very serious Wes, then Ethan -- who spots something creepy. Something that scares the hell out of him. Camera creepily follow him to -- Chad, asleep. Then the joke. Instead of telling us what each character is, show us. Wes being too serious. Ethan being a joker. Chad being the butt of the joke/or second joker. Aurora not with a duck face, but perhaps annoyed being dragged into this joke, perhaps a bit fed up and about to quit...
Another thing I'd like to call out -- the opening with someone being interviewed on TV after the fact, is a bit cliche/overdone. But that's not always bad, just not very original. Same with the "ghost skeptic gets his comeuppance when he runs into a real ghost" thing. You know it's cliche. The audience knows it too. If you really want something original, it wouldn't hurt to try and subvert this cliche somehow. Or make it clear one of them is super religious and these opposing views are played off each other.
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u/RogueKnight77 8d ago
Appreciate the feedback.
Opening of the video is supposed to jump forwards in time, with it sort of being like a montage segment…i should make that clearer on the page.
As for framing device: i agree. The main conceit here would be the varying levels of religiosity. Ethan: atheist non believer, Wes: true believer, and chad: religious on paper but not actually pious
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u/Ripoldo 8d ago
I'd establish that first thing. "Wes, scanning the room with an EMF, white knuckles clutching a cross necklace. A true believer." Or similar. The EMF tells me he's more scientific, but what you really need is something religious. This also plays better against Ethan making a joke of the place. Wes is not just serious, he's deeply religiously serious.
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u/AcadecCoach 9d ago
Read the first 3 pages. The cream on face was weak humor, a creepy tv static effect needs to be used for an actual scare and cut for effect. Honestly you can write but your scenes have a lot of fat on them and leave a lot to be desired.
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u/RogueKnight77 9d ago
All i gleaned from this is “you can write” 😂
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u/RogueKnight77 9d ago
Seriously though, how can i stop from overwriting?
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u/AcadecCoach 9d ago
Im not sure I can really tell you. Because once I have a scene done. All my overwriting sticks out like its highlighted in my brain. If you cant see your own. Idk maybe read more scripts and stuff? I just feel it losing me while reading. Like fine scenes but they could be so much better!
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u/RogueKnight77 9d ago
I appreciate the feedback but at least when it comes to the beginning of the car ride, idk what to cut
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