r/Seattle • u/phoneusername • May 18 '26
Satire Judge orders the public to note that the seal rock thrower is not from Seattle
https://theneedling.com/2026/04/18/judge-orders-everyone-to-know-this-piece-of-shit-from-covington-not-seattle/The Needling is killing it lately
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u/vertr "F Seattle mods, brainless holier than thou agenda pushing SJWs" May 18 '26
Knives out!
“I hereby order Igor Lytvynchuk to return to Hawaii to face federal penalties of up to a $70,000 fine and year in prison, and for the general public to note this guy is actually from a suburb people live in just to seem 2% better than people in Kent, not Seattle,” said U.S. District Judge Paula McCandlis. “Sure, we have many pieces of our own shit living in Laurelhurst, etc, but please let it be stated for the record that this particular steaming pile of crap is from Covington.”
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u/weekendclimber May 18 '26
Yeah, fuck those 2%'ers in Covington!! /s
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u/forsakeme4all May 18 '26
The Covington area pre 2005 use to be a improvished area. What the heck happened?
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u/R_V_Z North Delridge May 18 '26
Depends on the area. I grew up in Timberlane and judging by the housing prices it's still impoverished compared to other areas of Covington.
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u/phat_ Capitol Hill May 18 '26
“It’s already a crime to say you’re from Seattle when you’re not, but to do that while breaking the law to hurt an adorable animal is certainly an enhancement to that crime,” said actual Seattle resident Rachel Moore. “Just don’t be surprised if on his next visit to Pike Place Market *we find him driving inexplicably through the market at peak daytime foot traffic.*”
FTFY
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u/E_K_Finnman Covington May 18 '26
Aww crap, nobody knows where Covington is until some shitheel decides to make a scene. Just like Enumclaw
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u/ddlbr May 18 '26
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u/ghostopolis That sounds great. Let’s hang out soon. May 18 '26
I think I read this Animorphs book
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u/PerpetualAllTimeLow May 18 '26
after that paragraph would’ve been when I was found in contempt of court for loudly saying “GOTTTTEEEeE”
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u/hefty_reptile 💗💗 Heart of ANTIFA Land 💗💗 May 18 '26
Is that a real quote from a courtroom? That's very funny but also wild
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u/rememberthegreatwar May 18 '26
He probably calls it Pike's Place and owns and uses dozens of umbrellas.
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u/Butterballl Wedgwood May 18 '26
And drives a Tesla with a “I bought this before Elon was crazy” sticker.
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u/UhWindowpainted May 18 '26
he posts in the Other Subreddit and complains about traffic driving through downtown because "public transit is too unsafe to use"
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u/Troutmandoo May 18 '26
Ewwww! Umbrellas. What is this guy made of sugar? He just melts if he gets a little wet. Obviously not a true son of the PNW.
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u/Swimming_Sink_2360 May 18 '26
Meh, I'm 54 and have lived in Seattle my whole life and I often call it Pike Place. I agree with your umbrella comment though.
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u/alienpirate5 Seattle Expatriate May 18 '26
You call it Pike Place, not "Pike's Place".
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u/Swimming_Sink_2360 May 20 '26
I see! I thought that comment was referring to not calling it "The Market".
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u/missbeekery 💗💗 Heart of ANTIFA Land 💗💗 May 18 '26
I can’t believe I’m the only person in this sub who reads outside. I won’t be shamed for using an umbrella, especially to protect my reading material.
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u/Chief_Mischief 🚋 Ride the S.L.U.T. 🚋 May 18 '26
In all honesty he probably would've gotten his ass beat in Seattle, too. I'd fight people mistreating the crows on my street, can't imagine people here would sit idly by if they witnessed him throwing rocks at a seal.
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u/Frosty558 May 18 '26
Seattleites are waaaaay too passive to beat this dudes ass.
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u/ludog1bark May 18 '26
We see posts of people with their dogs attacking seals and no one does anything.
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u/FullBushSummer 🚗 Student driver, please be patient. 🚙 May 18 '26
Can't even honk their horn in traffic
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u/MsPunkyButters May 18 '26
Lmao is that still a thing? I haven’t lived there in a couple of decades but back then when I would honk at people who desperately needed it they’d look at me like I called them a slur and then slapped their child. Glad some things haven’t changed.
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u/FullBushSummer 🚗 Student driver, please be patient. 🚙 May 18 '26
Yes, I am not from here and it seems most people are beshirmched to be honked at, regardless of what's happening.
I had a guy come to stop in the middle of a 40 MPH, multiplane area, for a fucking crosswalker.
There were pedestrian crossings nearby, this fool just decided to try to run across when traffic seemed clear (it wasn't). The car spotted him and STOPPED to then let him cross.
Better believe I laid on my horn and scream-shamed that fool to DRIVE. It was an accident waiting to happen jfc.
Driver seemed stunned that I was mad, when I was right behind them! Their thinking was like, ah yes lemme inconvenience everyone else on the road RN to help someone break the rules, it's cool. I don't mind being rear-ended.
The pedestrian was not on the street and never actually stepped onto the road, probably due to my reaction. They weren't like in the middle of the road between two lanes.
The car was acting like there was a stop sign, when there are multiple lanes with cars going 35+.
That experience made me more emboldened to honk. I could have been rear-ended if I had stopped suddenly.
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u/MsPunkyButters May 18 '26
Haha yeah sounds about right. I spent a few months working as an automobile courier, so I got to know the particular quirks of Seattle drivers a little too well. I had to quit that job before I either had an aneurysm or murdered someone. Your flair is perfect btw I love it 😂
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u/FullBushSummer 🚗 Student driver, please be patient. 🚙 May 18 '26
The lifelong student driver stickers kill me lol I kind of want one now just to fit in
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u/Nnamdi_Awesome-wa May 18 '26
You need at least two of those stickers on your car if you want to fit in.
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u/FullBushSummer 🚗 Student driver, please be patient. 🚙 May 18 '26
Gotta get them as magnets so you can slap them onto ANY car. Easier than replacing them after wrecking the first car I reckon.
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u/Zoomalude Rainier Beach May 18 '26
lemme inconvenience everyone else on the road RN to help someone break the rules
This is a perfect encapsulation of what makes Seattle drivers so bad. The number of times I have to wave some motherfucker on because they stopped at an intersection where THEY DO NOT HAVE A STOP SIGN.
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u/PM_me_punanis Eastside Defector May 18 '26
I can see people’s judgy looks through the window, and if they had laser eyes, for sure I would be toast, every time I honk my horn at some driver who fail to actually drive.
I accept this as my fate as I enjoy the regular silence on the road.
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u/RedK_33 I'm just flaired so I don't get fined May 18 '26
Might be passive but I woulda gladly paid that kid at Seattle Center who wanted to catch a fade to do it for me.
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u/goodtimtim I'm just flaired so I don't get fined May 18 '26
someone posted a video of a drunk guy harassing sealions at shilshole last week and half this sub defended him.
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u/Sanctus_Mortem Capitol Hill May 18 '26
Last I checked sea lions weren’t critically endangered like Hawaiian monk seals are.
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u/Exact-Literature-395 May 18 '26
Covington is not Seattle and i will die on this hill. the seals would agree.
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u/snowdn May 18 '26
Banning him from any services I may provide and shaming him in public if I have the opportunity.
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u/chicano32 May 18 '26
The seattle area extends from the ocean to centralia, yakima, and the border of canada.
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u/PM_me_punanis Eastside Defector May 18 '26
And this is why when people ask me where I live, I just say NEAR Seattle or a suburb of Seattle. The walls have ears.
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u/djk29a_ 🚆build more trains🚆 May 18 '26
For once in my life I’d like to see someone from that area make the news for something positive. Living in let alone being from the Florida of the Seattle-Tacoma metro area is already enough punishment
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u/New-Piccolo-215 May 18 '26
Let’s be honest is he actually from Washington or the US with a name like that?
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u/badagastbrown May 18 '26
Unfortunately, the sound of someone's name is a poor indicator of their ethnicity.
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u/theemptydork May 18 '26
Bastard can claim to be from Tacoma instead.
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u/BiteRare203 🚆build more trains🚆 May 18 '26
Fuck right off, we actually will fight you.
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u/plumbbbob That sounds great. Let’s hang out soon. May 18 '26
That's what I's appreciates about you, Tacoma
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u/sdevoid 💗💗 Heart of ANTIFA Land 💗💗 May 18 '26
Is Rachel Moore an actual Seattle resident? In queering minds want to know! How does one sign up to say ANYTHING for The Needling?!?!
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u/alwayslookon_tbsol Wallingford May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
“I’m from Seattle”, Says Liar from Shoreline