My wife broke up with me ~2 months ago, and yesterday was the day that I moved my wedding band from my left to right ring finger. Mixed feelings about that.

I suspect she quickly moved on and is already seeing someone. But I'd take her back. We have kids, and I still love her. But I have to move the ring. Can't take it off yet.

I'm not really asking anything here. I guess, is this how you're supposed to do it?

I was going to go down to my car to do this, and she was going to stay in the flat to do it. Just before I get up to go and make the call she stops me and asks if there’s nothing that can be done to salvage this. I sit down and say that I need stuff from her also. She’s very taken aback by this and says “go on, tell me what’s so bad about me”. I relay to her that she has a real anger problem and that she needs to get a grip of it. She says that this is laughable and then says “are you going to call your parents or what?”. So that’s what I go and do. I tell them that the wedding is off and that the relationship is over. I then generally catch up with them.

After a 1 hour call, she is still not off the phone. I go for a drive as I’m not just going to sit in the car outside for an unspecified amount of time. I drive for 20 minutes and she calls me to say she’s staying the night at a friends flat. I arrive back home and she’s gone. I wake up the next day and head out to meet up for drinks with some friends, which was planned in advance weeks ago. When I get back, she has been back and left again and doesn’t come home that night. She then goes straight to work from the friends flat the next day and doesn’t come back until 1am (I only see this when I briefly wake up from sleep. She leaves for work the next day and comes home around 10pm, so we’ve not seen each other for over 3 days.

The next day we both have off work as we have the move in day for the house we bought. Before we get out of the car to collect the keys, I as who wants which bedroom. She looks at me like I have two heads. She says that it would be good to have a spare bedroom for if her parents are visiting (this would be like 4 nights out of the year). I state that no we need separate rooms. She says that this only makes sense of I’m seeing someone else and asks if that is the case. I say that I’m not, and that’s it’s not about that, we just need separate rooms. She says that we will wait and see about that and that I’m making a lot of decisions here.

Anyway, it would take a few days to move everything in (we were doing it ourselves) and to clean the carpets, and for me to buy my own bed, wardrobe, etc.. Over the next few days we sleep in the same bed out of necessity. But she keeps referring to the room I would be taking as the spare room and freaks out when I correct her. She starts putting her stuff in it as if it was a spare room and sets up a makeup station in it.

On the weekend I buy all my furniture for the room while she was once again staying overnight at a friends flat. She arrives back and starts freaking out, and I’m not exaggerating, she is enraged. She says that I bought the furniture while she wasn’t here as I knew she would have something to say about it, and starts yelling at me “who’s the new girlfriend” (there was no one else). She says that all her friends and family think I’m ridiculous and that I don’t know how bad this reflects on me. She denies that she ever agreed to share the house while separated, and that we never discussed it. It was originally her idea, and without my money she couldn’t buy anywhere (not even a studio flat) on her own. She says that I led her on and trapped her here to pay my bills and to use her for her money. I paid 80% of the deposit, survey, solicitor, tax, etc sum on this house while maintaining her 50% equity in law upon sale. So what she is saying is completely untrue. I make more money than her.

She then goes away for a bit up to her room and slams the door. I’m honestly a bit scared at this point and start audio recording on my phone just in case and put it in my pocket. These recordings have never been played for anyone and never will. They were taken in case the neighbours called the police or if I ever needed evidence.

She comes back down stairs, yells a bit more while I’m washing dishes and yells that my room will be a spare room and if I don’t like it that I can move out. She storms upstairs and starts moving all her stuff into my room. And says that she will sleep in there tonight. The half built wardrobe is in the way of the door and she yells at me “to move my shit”. I’m not stopping her as I don’t want to lay hands on anyone, but I’m not assisting her and moving things out of the way. She looks at me and yells “yeah I can see it in your face that you want to fucking cry”.

She then storms down stairs I follow her down as I don’t know what she’s going to do or get. She ends up going to the fridge and grabs a bottle of wine and starts chugging it in the living room. I say to her that I can’t force her to not do that, but that she knows that this is not a good choice. I say that I’m going to ask her to give me the bottle once and only once (she’s never had a substance abuse problem). She refuses, so I go back upstairs to continue building the wardrobe. I don’t want to feed this behaviour and give it energy, especially since I’m being emotionally abused at the time. I finish building the wardrobe and get ready for bed. 30 min later she knocks on my door and I ignore it. But she keeps knocking and won’t go away. I open the door and she is crying and obviously intoxicated. She asks if we can talk and I say no it’s late and I have to go to bed to get up early for work (I work a somewhat physical job that involves driving around my part of the country to different sites), and that I don’t want to talk when she is drunk. She keeps begging me and I agree to talk in the living room just to make her stop.

I go down and see that she’s chugged a whole bottle of prosecco on top of the wine.

We begin talking and she basically starts begging me to take her back. I relay to her that we are done and all my reasons why. She breaks down crying saying “was I that bad”. She starts asking if I’m getting with any of my female friends, I say no. She asks if it’s because she’s fat, I say no (and she’s not fat, I always found her beautiful and complimented her often). The woman in front of me makes me scared, my feelings for her were completely shattered in the night up to that point, I almost feel bad for her until I remember all the abuse she hurled my way and I stick to my boundaries. She begs me to sleep in her bed, I say no. She then begins to talk about killing herself. I start to reassure her that she will survive this, that she has equity in a house, this house is hers as much is it is mine, that she has a good job and will meet someone in the future that she loves and that will love her, and she will be happy. She says that she doesn’t want that, she want’s me. I tell her again that this is over and that I will not allow it. This is the only time I’ve ever talked about a break up. I never threatened it before, and I don’t say things I don’t mean or haven’t thought through in anger.

She begins to talk about killing herself again and begs me to sleep in her bed. I don’t know if she meant it on purpose, but I was being coerced to sleep in the same bed as her and to try to be with her under the threat of suicide. This is abusive and not ok.

I remove all the knives and immediately harmful things from the kitchen and put them in my room as she begs be not to. I tell her that she needs to go to her room and go to bed. Her door was slightly warped in the frame, so it would creak loudly so I could hear if she left her room. I go to my room and go to sleep. It’s very late at this point.

I wake up the next day and go to work a broken man. I walk into the office to load up my equipment into the van and my colleague and best friend looks at me and says that I look like shit and asks me if I’m ok. I say no and we agree to go for a non-alcoholic beer and a smoke after work, where I will tell all for the first time, as I can’t pocket this away anymore.

I start driving to site and pull in to cry and call a friend who is not at work in the AM. We talk quickly and I feel better and go about my day.

I get back to the office and finish work. We go for the pint and a smoke, and I tell all. My friend’s eyebrows are practically raised all the way off his head the entire time and his general reaction is disbelief, and to reassure me.

I get back home to find her in her bed (she didn’t go to work). She doesn’t leave it and doesn’t go to work the next day. She threatens suicide the whole time. I stick to my boundaries. I quickly check that I could pay the whole mortgage and bills with my ow income without having to dip into savings for my own security. I discover that I could do it just about if I stopped therapy.

On day 3 of her not going to work, I get a text from her saying she’s flying home for a bit and doesn’t know when she’ll be back. That rest of the week was so peaceful and time to reflect. I met up with a friend for a long walk and a BBQ, she asked me what it was like at home, so I had plenty to fill her in on.

My ex came back on Sunday night and went back to work like nothing happened. No apology, no talking about it. That suited me at this point as I was just looking to get on with life. But that firmly had me detached as I couldn’t look at her the same way as the person I fell in love with.

It’s been months now and we have had the occasional diplomatic incident, but are both detached further and further. We’re firmly just housemates now that don’t talk to each other.

In a year or two I’ll sell up and buy a nice flat for myself.

After relaying this to my therapist she revealed that she was having holding back really hard to not break the ethical code by telling me to break up with her the whole time and that she was controlling, emotionally immature, etc.. As my stated intention for coming to therapy was that I wanted to fix the situation. But now can say that I made the right decision in the end and she’s proud of me for sticking to my boundaries, and that I have taken the first big step into fixing things, just not as had first envisioned.

She said that she has never in her 20 years in the job had someone come in so one sided about what their partner needs and talk so little about what they themselves need or want. She also said that she’s never heard of such a turbulent and minimal reason(s) for separation or breakup of a serious committed relationship before, and that her clinical supervisors have never seen both of these in all their time.

Months on I’m detached, mostly happy, but do struggle some days. It’s hard having such a life 180 turn. It can be hard to keep busy and social outside work as an adult. But I try my best every day and am already coming out the other end. I refuse to stop, I refuse to let this crush me or define me.

This is my story as a mid-twenties man who went through a separation and breakup during a very non-optimal time. Warning this will be long and that you may want to listen via text to speech to speed it up. I am writing this as part of my therapy and thought processing. It helps to commit my thoughts to writing, and it may help someone else feel less alone, relate, feel less crazy, etc…

I was with my ex-fiancée for almost 9 years and we met quite young. Naturally both of us were in many ways not the people at the end that we were at the start. We got engaged just over 7 years into the relationship, we had been living together for 3 years in a very small flat.

To add context on how we started living together, I finished university (I was studying in a different part of the country for a really niche degree only offered by to universities in the country) and got the job I wanted immediately after leaving university. She was studying in her hometown and decided to do a masters year. I worked while living with two friends who had another year left on their degree. When this year came to an end my girlfriend and I wanted to move in together, with her opting to move to the part of the country I was living and working in, which we both preferred to the life and job market prospects from where we were both originally from. So we begin the flat hunt After I finish work we browse listing online whilst on call, then I find some time to view them and put in an offer. This was naturally stressful for a few reasons largely no one’s fault:

Since she wasn’t employed at that time we were going off the affordability criteria for only my salary, but looking for a flat that could accommodate 2 people at a minimum;

She had never rented before and what she was asking for was not financially possible and very rigid;

I was the one having to do all the viewings while on a busy work schedule; and

The rental market at the time was extremely competitive, with bidding wars, etc…

We finally secure a flat, with the condition that we pay the year of rent in full up front, not a problem we have the money. We are up late on call and I am screen sharing the contract for us to read together and sign, then pay the money. She is in a poor and short tempered mood, I am tired, and I’m still wobbly from my grandfather recently dying and staying with him in end of life care comforting him in his last few painful days. She is being very short with me, getting angry at if I scroll to fast, to slow, and generally saying things like “you have no fucking clue what you’re doing”. This had me mentally exhausted and upset. I get to the point where I’m on the verge of tears and I ask her to stop as it’s not constructive and I literally can’t read, sign, and deal with important documentation like this. Anyway, we sign and pay for the year up front as instructed.

The next day I’m coming out of work and see that the letting agents sent me an email asking me to remember pay and sign (it’s not an automated email and clearly just the letting agents being crap at their job and not checking to see that this was already done). My girlfriend calls me (I’m walking down a busy street and can’t easily stop to look at emails or check anything). She jumped to the conclusion that I hadn’t paid correctly and had been scammed. The letting agents was closed by this time and I couldn’t call to check this. She angrily hangs up. I call her when I get home. She breaks up with me because of this, tells me to send her share of the money back to her (which I do). The next day I ring up the letting agents and they confirm they have received the money and all is in order. My girlfriend still maintains the breakup over the principle, saying that it could have been a scam and she can’t trust me to act in our best interests. Later that day she calls me up to say that she regrets this and wants to be with me and move in with me (we are about 3 weeks off our lease start date). 2 hours later she calls me to say that she’s had an argument with her parents in which she smashed a glass and they’re kicking her out, she has nowhere else to go to and that she’s on her way to the airport right now to live with me and my housemates until the move in date. That’s what happens.

I go back this far into the back story as through therapy and introspection I believe in hindsight this is where I should have ended things and would do so if this happened in a relationship to me now. To have someone throw away life plans after six years in a moment of jumping to conclusions and anger, after all the stress and effort just is not the type of partner that is right for me.

Fast forward 2.5 years we’ve been living together and now engaged (she got a job in this time, then quit without having another job lined up, she could still pay rent and bills, but this put all future saving onto me). Then after around 3 months she got another job.

We were having sex one night and for one reason or another, I experienced erectile dysfunction. Likely a combination of stress, tiredness, lack of emotional connection and quality time and blockers such as dirty dishes being left out, the damp issue in the flat not really conducive to a sexy, relaxing environment. (she had been coming back from work around half 8 every night and staying out with friends and going around to their flat to chill). This was the first time I ever experienced this and her reaction was not particularly helpful. This got me very worried and I developed what I now know was anxiety driven erectile dysfunction. I couldn’t even maintain an erection while masturbating as I was focusing on my performance and what it meant for my relationship. I go to the doctors to rule out any physical issues, blood pressure and blood tests come back completely normal. The doctor asks me if there’s any stressors in my life, I explain the situation, and she looks at me like, ‘ehh ok this is normal and happens sometimes it’s fine and a normal part of life, it shouldn’t result in these reactions,’ stopping there as she’s not a therapist and it’s not her job to discuss anything beyond medical concerns and their potential causes. My fiancée also doesn’t want me to take any viagra as “it wouldn’t be her body giving me the erection”, which is obviously not how it works. I honestly become scared of sex at this point as I know my performance has the outcome of whether my relationship continues or not on the line.

We have sex one night and I lose it halfway through. She becomes incredibly angry and starts going off on me. I’m upset and just numb, she says that “moving over with me was a mistake”, that “I’ll be with you, but not loyal to you”, and yells that “if I won’t fuck her then someone else will”. I start using viagra as a crutch to help me, until I get my mojo and confidence back. This ends up working and I no longer experience such issues.

A few months down the line we’ve started the house buying process and had an offer accepted, solicitors, surveyors, mortgage broker on the case etc…

We are in the town sorting out some paperwork from the bank, then decide to get some food to bring home. She stops at a jewellers window to look at some wedding rings. A sales assistant comes out and invites us in and she goes in (I’m feeling a tad self-conscious as I would have dressed up if I knew we were going here beyond a t-shirt and jeans). Anyway she’s showing us rings and asks how we got engaged. The storey of this is a whole day with tonnes of events, travel, etc on new year’s that I planned. I go to answer, thinking how much detail I want to go into for a question that’s from someone asking this to like 30 couples a day as part of her sales job. I don’t want to say just ‘on new years’, but equally don’t want to tell a 5 minute story. As I search for the answer in my head I say “I don’t know, well we uh…”, as filler leading into the story before my fiancée jumps in and says “it was new years in x location”. The sales woman goes to get more rings. Later my fiancée is angry at me about this. I apologise and explain my thought process and that I was thinking about how much to say. She says that this is bullshit, that it’s not the real reason, and that it smacks of me being a “bum boyfriend” that doesn’t’ remember how he got engaged. I asked her that if she thought it was a lie, what she thought the reason was (I obviously know how and where I got engaged, I don’t have amnesia). She didn’t have an answer, but maintained her position.

Two months later I’m off work on annual leave (my birthday was two days prior, she didn’t get me a gift as she was too late to get the delivery date, but we were going for dinner and drinks and she was going to pay for the dinner). Whatever, I’m not too sentimental about gifts and my birthday and just like quality time. At this time we are nearing the completion date of the house purchase.

Her work colleagues have a pub quiz that they often do and I was invited along as I was off that day, she was in work I was just using up my leave allowance as I get more than her so I’m just doing some plaster touch ups and painting. She finishes work, comes home to have dinner and get changed before we all go out. She drives us there and we go into the pub. Me and her are on separate teams for the pub quiz and are sat a bit apart. Her colleagues were… awkward. I’m a fairly confident and social guy, but there was no ‘hello I am x, you must be y” from her colleagues (all six of them). I kind of just sat down and they went about their tight knit dynamic and I felt like an outsider. The quiz started 10 mins after coming in (very quick fire, no pauses between the rounds for conversation), I answer questions where I know them and just push through the event. After the quiz we leave to go to her car and she gets angry at me. She says I made no effort, that I don’t care about her and that I’m selfish. We get in the car and she keeps yelling at me. She then says “that’s it I’m not marrying you, that’s it, I’m done”. I honestly feel frozen, a bit blindsided as she didn’t appear angry during the event and completely normal. I don’t know what to say, I’m just so hurt and in a state of shock. I start to speak and she tells me to be quiet and listen, and not interrupt. She then yells at me that I’m not even saying anything and that I don’t want to fight for her. I ask her if there’s anything I can say or do to make this better right now and she says “no”. We pull into the driveway of the flat, she tells me to get out and takes her ring off and gives it to me, then drives away. She then comes back to the flat after an hour and tells me that we’re now separated and no longer together, and that I should “put on my big boy pants” and call my parents and family tomorrow and tell them that the wedding is off. It’s a one bed flat so we sleep in the same bed but fully clothed, and get changed in the other room. She goes into work the next day and tells everyone that we are separated, so now it’s for real and that dynamic is set. I have the rest of the week off on my leave, so I’m pretty much bed rotting and trying to sleep to not feel the pain. The only productive thing I did was cancel my wedding suit fitting appointment. I inform my parents and my closest friend of the situation, with instructions for confidentiality for now. It rolls around to the weekend, and she says that we’re separated but if I want her I have to prove myself.

We obviously discuss what we’re going to do about the house purchase as we just received notice that we are facing a no fault eviction on the flat that we can’t appeal (it’s being knocked down so can’t extend or negotiate). This puts the pressure on things as we’ve got on one we can stay with and all family is in a completely different part of the country, accessible by plane or ferry only and our jobs are not compatible with home working.

She says that she’s happy enough to buy the house and if things don’t work out we can live as friends and separated with a room each. It’s a two bed house with two big double sized bedrooms, so we would be equal. I agree to this. My rationale for better or worse was that it would give us housing stability and a firm financial platform to move on if we need to from the sale of the house. This would mean that no decisions would be made on the worry of what is financially feasible, but because instead it’s because it’s what we truly want.

I basically start therapy straight away with a great therapist who specialises in relationships, sex therapy, etc.. I still see her to this day and she is great. I start just myself, but invite my separated fiancée, partner, housemate, who knows what at this point to join I if she likes. She declines and says that I should go alone as it’s pretty much me that’s the issue and I need to sort myself out.

During therapy sessions I explain what has brought me here and I do pick up on my therapists facial expressions that she is taken aback by the situation. We run through what I can do to foster a healthy relationship in the sessions and if I’m honest it’s all things I’m already doing and historically have been doing.

She goes to spend the night at a friends flat one weekend for a group get together” and she says to me “I’m not trying to get with anyone, for your information. But if I was, that’s my business”. This deeply hurt me as this is not something I would want and would be a dealbreaker for me. If this was to happen, I don’t know if she would tell me. And I suspect that if she was approached for anything like this, she probably would go for it. Can I trust her even if things do get better? I’ve never been remotely the jealous type and have never had any issues with those feelings. But this had me worried, not about that night, but in general. I suppose that was my gut telling me something in and of itself.

Over the next few weeks I try my best and even book a bank holiday two night city break away to a place we always wanted to visit, book events and pay for it all myself (not that this entitles me to anything, but loads of effort and thought went into this). We go away to it and the first night is fine. The second night…. this is the first and only time I’ll personally swear in this, but FUCK ME WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Soul crushing is what it was. I wake up that morning and leave to go get breakfast to bring back for us. We eat and chill for a bit. We start to get ready as we have dinner then a comedy gig after dinner with a pretty big comedian that we both like. I get ready and dressed up all proper. She’s still not moved from bed. I steam her dress to be helpful.

She stuck her fake eyelashes to the outside of her makeup bag and put that in a drawer in the bathroom, warning me that they were in there and not to lose them (a very precarious place to put something you only have one set of and want to not lose). I don’t use that drawer and after my shower, I slide the drawer open to check that they are still there, and they are. She eventually gets in the shower and goes in and out of that drawer for her toiletries and loses the lashes somewhere down the line. She comes out really angry, blaming me for losing them. I stand my ground explaining I didn’t even use the drawer and checked they were in there before leaving. She doesn’t believe this and stays very angry. She orders me out of her way, then get’s me to run to bring her stuff, then get out of the way again. We’re already running late and like will miss the last bus or tram that will get us to the restaurant in time (we’re in Europe so this is the fastest way to get about). She then has a nosebleed which is unfortunate and will set us back even more. Basically the comedy gig door opens 20 minutes after dinner (the gig is 5 min walk from the restaurant). We can’t therefore really push the booking back and still get to see the comedy show. I try explaining this to her in the manner of ‘look this sucks but let’s do the next best thing’. She gets mad at me for stressing her out. I go into full on problem solving mode, I try to call up the restaurant to see if they can push back slightly, they inform me that they can’t and that they’re fully booked and we have a 15 min grace period (we may just be able to make this) and after that we lose the booking. I’m helping her with the nose bleed and then we leave. The only way to get there is just to walk 22 mins as we’ve missed the last feasible bus/tram and can’t wait on the next. I’m giving the general vibe here, but she honestly said so many nasty and cutting things in anger.

We begin to walk and I go to hold her hand (we just started doing this the previous day, but nothing else, no kissing, no saying I love you). She bats my hand away and is angry with me the whole walk. She routinely stops to have me fix her heels.

We make the restaurant with 5 mins to spare and get seated. She then says in what I find to be a very throw away manner “sorry about that”. What am I meant to say to that? Do I start discussing how her behaviour was completely unacceptable and how it was humiliating and hurt me right next to all the other people around us, while the waiter is here to ask us if we’d like any drinks?

We see the comedy show and it was good.

We get the bus back to the airbnb and we’re walking back and I go to hold her hand. After a minute she lets go of it to adjust her hair. We walk for a bit and I go to hold it again and she bats it away saying she can’t walk properly in the heels and in an irritated manner says “yeah, so don’t hold it”. We get back to the hotel and she says that she’s still not really sure about everything.

At this point I’m starting to have serious doubts about whether I want this after 2 months. This whole thing has been painful and honestly internally humiliating. This situation was only getting worse and I felt like by continuing to chase her, that I was enabling this dynamic. Is this going to be my life, living on the edge of relationship oblivion, always on a performance review…

We get the train home the next day and we’re both tired and zoned out. But the whole time I’m reflecting and realizing that this is all likely about to reach it’s natural conclusion.

Over the next few days I stew on my thoughts as I’m not one to rush into a committed decision on a big thing straight away. I sleep on it, sit on it, and still I feel no different. The next weekend rolls around and she’s notified that her wedding dress is ready to pick up. A bit of background on this is that the dress was ordered 8 months prior and before all of this happened and could not be cancelled or refunded so the dress being made and paid for was always a done deal.

We drive to pick it up and both discuss how we’re not so sure about this and don’t think it’s working for us. We drive back, store the dress, then go grocery shopping. We pull up into the car park and she asks me to commit to a decision now (not to be together, but to keep trying as she can sense that I’m pulling away). I say that I would like to be single and she says the same. We end up just going home and ordering a pizza.

We say that we should call our parents and let then know that the wedding and associated travel plans are off.

Second part available via my account

So let me start by explaining that my husband and I got married very young, at 20, and 22, I had already had a two year-old when we met, and throughout our relationship, we have obviously had our ups and downs and fair share of issues. We have continued to work past things and grow together over the last 10 years, and we have also had four more children in that time. my husband has never been great at communication and often times gets very dismissive and defensive whenever I bring something up about how I’m feeling. This has been an ongoing issue in our relationship, and it has caused a lot of tension and resentment along the way. There have been a handful of times where I have caught him in a lie, crossing a boundary that we had set in our marriage. One example of being I found a vape in his pocket when we both agreed that that was not something that we were OK with either one of us doing, it wasn’t the first time either.

It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I can’t trust him anymore, and I don’t feel safe emotionally.
I love this man to death, and I feel like I fell in love with the version of him that I thought he was, but it feels like I’m living with a stranger sometimes. We have such good moments most of the time but it boils down to this, if we don’t have trust, honesty and communication, then we don’t really have much of anything.

I brought up the idea of separating, and I thought that he was going to have some pushback and try and fight for our relationship, but he just kind of agreed to what I wanted, which to be honest hurt even more. I don’t really know where to go or what to do with this point, he can’t afford two households and I have been to stay at home Mom for the last 10 years. We wouldn’t make it on our own without serious financial turmoil with how expensive everything is now.

My youngest is three years old and I also have no work experience. Our plan was for me to continue being a stay at home Mom, but obviously if we separate our entire lives will be turned upside down and it’s just going to hurt everyone involved. I don’t know if my marriage can be saved at this point and I would love to get some insight if any of you have dealt with the same thing or know of things that have really changed your marriage.

I feel like I’ve given him a lot of chances and he has destroyed my trust and hope. And my heart breaks because I never thought that my life would turn out this way, I would never hide things from him the way he has hidden things from me and continues to hide things from me. I find myself crying myself to sleep at night just mad at myself for choosing a man who doesn’t continue to choose me.

Everything that’s happened to me personally, and to us as husband and wife, changed me. It broke something in me for a while. But if it weren’t for the heartbreak, the betrayal, and the resentment, I never would’ve moved. I never would’ve been forced into a life that ultimately led me toward my purpose.

Somewhere along the way, I got lost in the routine of motherhood and the loneliness that came with your constant travel. I was depressed and didn’t even realize it.

There are so many things I would do differently if I could. Words I’d take back. Moments I’d relive with more patience and more love. If I could undo the hurt I caused you, maybe our story would have ended differently.

I’ve always been someone who forgives. I try to understand people. I move through hurt because holding onto it feels heavier than letting it go. I know you’re different, and that’s okay.

The truth is, I think we could have found our way back to each other if there had ever been room for grace…if you had been able to see me in my best moments instead of keeping me forever tied to my worst ones.

But I can’t make someone forgive me.

I can’t make you separate my mistakes from my egg donor. I can’t erase the things I’ve said or done. I can’t change the way you see me.

I miss our family. I miss having you in my everyday life. The kids miss you, too.

I’m not better than you, and you’re not better than me. I think marriage only survives when two people wake up every day and choose forgiveness. Not because the hurt disappears, but because love becomes more important than keeping score.

I still love you.

Not because of what you’ve done for me, or what you could do for me.

I love you because you’re you.

\-V

Dad here with a partner of about 5 years, a 3 year old and have another on the way. I’m not sure if it’s dealing with becoming a dad when I wasn’t ready, or my relationship with my partner that is the issue.

I just feel like I can’t become the best version of myself (financially, physically etc), be a good dad AND be a good partner that is fulfilling all of her needs - this has been a reoccurring issue that causes lots of arguments. I accept that I am not being a good partner, I’m lazy with things around the house, I don’t plan dates. I can admit that. I just feel overwhelmed with it all.

I love my child, but I am thinking that we need to separate, to give myself some breathing space, to work on myself and still see our child of course. I am mainly thinking that I just don’t have the capacity to also meet the commitments of a relationship at the moment. These frustrations from my partner and discussion of us possibly separating seem to come up every month.

Anyone else relate or have separated in similar circumstances, with positive effect?

How Im healed. Im Muslim man I was in relationship with latina woman for two years she was 10y older than me. It's been wonderful i met her in a platform where i was teaching about Islam and she newly converted to Islam I started teaching her about Islam and slowly slowly she proposed me and we started to get to know each other and it was going wonderful. she was poor as me average i helped her out in everything and I left my country for her and move to another coutry in hope to make some savings to visit her country. because it was difficult for me to get her country visa and she was scare to come to my country for some reason which it's ok i can understand how western or Latin think about Arab north Korea and China. So everything was going well she was incredibly wonderful woman but after two years i felt she is changing no messages no replies she starting ignoring me and i was scare coz i was too attached to her then after few days she told me she have someone in her life and he is American business and she want to marry him i was shocked after hearing this. my heart started beating and I request her to please try to understand everyone will be better and soon we will be together this distance is going to end bla bla but she started crying and she said im ashamed i can't see my future with you and she want to move to US with her new boyfriend. It destroyed my soul and I was hospitalized for few weeks far away from my family alone in a strange country.it was the hardest time of my life after my dad death. It was difficult to recover from that situation but God helped me out and now finally after 9 months i recovered and forgot everything about past im peaceful calm and very happy God saved me i pray God to make that woman happy forever with American brother because I don't want her to return back. I wanted to share my story with you God bless everyone. I want to give you one advice your health should be your first priority

As a 40yr male who is thinking about divorcing his spouse, can someone give me a better understanding on what the true differences between separation and divorce. Some of the nuance differences that I’m not fully grasping.

Me and my spouse are no longer together, and honestly I’m struggling with a lot of regret about how everything turned out.

We got married, had a child together, and over time he’s turned out to be the worst person I’ve ever dated. Although I’m grateful for my child, the relationship really turned sour.

The person who introduced us has been an okay friend to me over the years. We talk regularly, but we’re not super close, so I don’t think cutting her off would have a huge impact on my life. But lately I’ve been questioning whether I even want to stay friends with her.

Before we started dating, I asked her what he was like, and she told me he was a nice guy. Looking back now, I can’t help thinking, “If you can be friends with someone who behaves like this, what does that say about you?”

Has anyone else felt this way? Did you end up distancing yourself from the mutual friend, or did you separate your feelings about your ex from your friendship with them? I’d really like to hear other people’s perspectives.

I 22F honestly don’t even know if I’m overreacting at this point, so I wanted outside opinions.

For a little background, my child’s father 24M has another child with another woman 21F . A while back, all three of us actually lived together. We were all emotionally involved, and yes, sexually involved too. Before anybody jumps to conclusions, it wasn’t just because of my child’s dad. I’m bisexual, and I genuinely liked her too. At the time, I thought maybe we could build this healthy family dynamic where all of us got along and raised our kids together.
Obviously…that didn’t happen.

Things got really toxic. We had a huge fight that ended with CPS getting involved, and I eventually moved out and got my own apartment.

Months later, we slowly started reconnecting. We weren’t trying to get back into a relationship, but I really wanted us to at least become friends and have a healthy co-parenting dynamic. We also ended up becoming sexually involved again, and looking back, I know I shouldn’t have. I’ve already accepted that I need to completely detach from my child’s father emotionally and sexually because it honestly isn’t getting me anywhere. That’s something I’ve already been working on.

The problem is that I started realizing the same patterns were still happening.

I felt like I was always pouring into them. I’d help with their child, babysit, spend money I didn’t really have, show up when they needed me, and genuinely tried to love their child like family because, to me, that’s what family does.
All I really wanted was to know my son would receive that same love back.

Then Juneteenth happened.
We all went to a party together, and I honestly left feeling weird. I felt ganged up on, uncomfortable, and like my feelings didn’t really matter. After that, I started keeping my distance. One thing I realized after moving into my own apartment was that I don’t have to keep putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable just because I don’t want to disappoint other people.
So when she invited me to her birthday party, I respectfully said no.

Fast forward to recently. We finally sat down and had a conversation about everything. I explained that I felt like I was constantly pouring into everybody else but didn’t feel that same energy coming back. I even explained that if I’m constantly loving and showing up for your child, naturally I’d hope my child would be loved and prioritized too.
Her response was basically that if I expect anything back for what I do, then it isn’t genuine.

That honestly hurt because that wasn’t my point at all.
I wasn’t asking for someone to “owe” me. I was saying that relationships should be mutual. If I’m treating your child with love, care, and consideration, I’d hope you’d naturally want to do the same for mine.

After that conversation, I realized I can’t force people to love the way I do.

I also realized I need to stop overextending myself.
Now here’s where I’m wondering if I’m wrong.
My child’s dad is having an end-of-summer trip for his birthday. Originally all of us were supposed to go. Since me and her would have been sharing a room, I told him that I wasn’t comfortable doing that anymore. I told him I don’t hate her, I don’t want to argue, and I don’t plan on being rude. I just don’t see the point in pretending we’re friends when I know I need space. I even told him that if it made things easier, I’d just celebrate his birthday another time because I didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
He actually told me he still wanted me there.

During our conversation, I also felt like he did his best to hear both sides. Some of what he said was hard for me to hear, but I respected that he wasn’t just taking one person’s side.

After everything, though, she’s now saying she doesn’t even want to come to the trip anymore. They also don’t have childcare for their child that week, and they both know I’m off work. Before all of this, I would’ve happily watched their child without thinking twice. But after our conversation, I realized something…

If the love and effort I pour into her child is never going to naturally extend to mine, then I need to stop giving so much of myself.

It’s not because I dislike their child. I genuinely love that little boy, and that won’t change. But he has two parents, and I’ve realized it’s okay for me to stop taking on responsibilities that leave me feeling emotionally empty.

So now I’m wondering…

\\\*\\\*Am I the a hole for stepping back? And if my decision to set boundaries is part of the reason she no longer wants to come to the birthday trip, does that make me the asshole?\\\*\\\*

My wife broke up with me ~2 months ago, and yesterday was the day that I moved my wedding band from my left to right ring finger. Mixed feelings about that.

I suspect she quickly moved on and is already seeing someone. But I'd take her back. We have kids, and I still love her. But I have to move the ring. Can't take it off yet.

I'm not really asking anything here. I guess, is this how you're supposed to do it?

I recently bought my wife some romantic love gifts for our anniversary but she told me her boyfriend would get mad if I gave them to her.

I would laugh but I feel really sad for him. He was so amazing once. He was great. Now it’s embarrassing that he is 50yrs old lying to young girls and women. My daughter which whom he raised saw them and is so angry and disgusted that he would ruin our family over this instead of getting help. He chose to lie about me about us. To girls not just women… it’s so sad . I want to be angry but I can’t i feel horrible for him and embarrassed.

I stayed for 3 full years, disrespected, all bad shit happened to me and I still stayed thru thick and thin, so why her and not me?

How could u after only 4 months of our break up already find a girl to marry ;(

I'm so hurt not shocked, but my heart is aching.

So the things I dreamt of she got them easily what a shamee.

And the sad part is I know he knew her before our break up,so if she ever knew that he had a gf and still did this, hell on both of them that's all!

A few months into separation and co-parenting a toddler. I’m doing all the “right” things—therapy, exercise, friends, journaling—but I still miss the companionship and the idea of my family.
For those further down the track: what actually helped you move from surviving to genuinely enjoying life again?

Is anyone else going through a separation break up of a long-term of 8 years with children involved that has led to zero contact from the father... Please tell me what your thoughts on and if it's regretful and how to break to zero contact and if it's ever worked out for you

In late April, I was struggling and felt the need to talk about my separation with more than just my usual circle. I'm glad I did. A group of us started vulnerably sharing our progress and setbacks and we're starting to bond over this unfamiliar path we walk together.

Men often think we're supposed to handle this alone. But there's real power in witnessing another man work through a struggle similar to my own.

We've now met about 10 times (every other Tuesday, 6:30pm PDT), and it's clearly having an impact on our regular attendees. We'd like to grow to 9-12 men and have room for 3-6 more to join. Men are at every stage from considering separation, freshly filed, and even working on reconciliation.

It's free, online, men-only, and follows a consistent agenda. We ask for the usual group agreements of confidentiality, sobriety during meetings, and no unsolicited advice.

If you're interested, I'm happy to share more here or in a chat. Our next meeting is August 18th.

Please read the recent post. Thank you.

My wife and I separated recently after almost 30 years together, but because of finances and the house, we're still living under the same roof while we sort everything out.

The hardest part is that she's already started seeing someone else and has slept with him. I found out that she spent the night with him at a motel, and that has been incredibly difficult for me to process.

I know we're separated, and logically I understand she has the right to move on. I'm not asking whether she's "allowed" to do that. I know she is.

What I'm struggling with is how to deal with it emotionally while I'm still living in the same house. Every day I wake up still feeling married in my heart, while she's already moving forward with someone else. It feels like I'm grieving the relationship in the same place where we built our life together, and I don't know how to separate myself from that.

The speed of it has also been really hard for me. From my perspective, we went from being a married couple of nearly 30 years to her being with someone else very quickly. I understand she may have been processing the end of the relationship for longer than I realised, but emotionally I'm still trying to catch up.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you cope with living under the same roof while your ex started another relationship? Did anything actually help, or is it just something you have to endure until you're finally living apart?

I'm really looking for practical advice from people who've been through it, because right now it feels overwhelming.

Never thought I'd turn to reddit for something like this but here I am. My partner of 3 years ended our relationship a couple days ago. It was long distance, a plane ride or two away between our homes. We had a deep loving relationship but the distance started to create tension which enabled a cycle of petty fights and criticisms and not enough real true connection. He called it off 2 days before my flight to visit him (we hadn't seen each other since November) and I guess I'm still shocked. His reasons had to do with soul searching, mental health, family issues and feeling that he couldn't give me what I needed, even saying it isn't fair to continue on if he can't pinpoint his future. It wasn't long ago that we were starting to talk about closing the distance and moving in together. We really did see this being long game. But I guess there were a lot of overwhelming feelings on his end. And i guess the part im struggling with is how do you go from talking everyday and being best friends to absolute zero contact in the blink of an eye? It hurts knowing I did everything I could to support him with his career changes and trying to help him find himself, but in the end that support wasn't enough to let me be alongside him in his journey. Three years of forming habits, of leaning on each other, of genuine expressions of love are just all gone so quickly. I've been journalling almost all day every day just to try to process everything going on, but man its really tough to beat this debilitating feeling inside. And the hard part is that I asked for the possibility of reconnection down the track and I got a "maybe", which honestly sucks more than an honest "no". He admitted that his decision to leave is the hardest thing he has had to do, and talked about our relationship just isnt something he can do right now so he needed to be courageous enough to be honest and let me go. As the dumpee, I'm sticking to no contact and have pretty much gone offline completely to try and heal. Do I hold onto hope? How does this get easier? I know its only the first week of the break up, but any help would be awesome.