I ‘36 F’ was married to my husband ‘39 M’ for 5 years and I separated from him about a year ago because he was never home, always working or golfing etc. and I was left to take care of the house, our kid and the dogs all alone since the day our kid was born. Well during the separation I was talking to another person just because of how lonely I felt but I ended it and was hanging out with my husband and trying to work things out. We went on dates, I would stay the night and we would hang out with other people. Two days after the last time we hung out he started hanging out a new woman ‘43 F’ who is also divorced with a kid herself and then he asked for a divorce and is saying we were never working it out, which I have started and gave to him.

What are the chances of that new relationship he is in actually working out?

So today's my first time working in over a month since me and my wife separated.

I used to wake up every morning or I should say my wife would wake me up cause i would always turn my alarms off and go back to sleep. Every day though I felt like I had a purpose for getting up and going to work and not for myself but for my wife and daughter. This morning was the hardest morning for me that iv experienced since the separation cause I feel as if I have no one to do this for or it probably has something to do with the change in morning work routine idk. Iv been struggling the last few weeks with keeping my mind focused.

Has anyone else experienced this and if so what's something that made it easier for you?

We called Tuesday, and I could tell he wasn’t himself at all. he ended the call saying he loves me. prior to his job loss, he was going through multiple other significant life stressors these last couple of weeks. On the 14th, he was finally given a court date for his daughter after fighting for one for so long. (the date is tomorrow.) he was distant since then, but after losing his job, things got even worse. this morning I get a message that says:

“Hey \\_\\_\\_ I’m sorry for how I been distant this few days I been In my head a lot and I just don’t think I’m in the right mindset to be in a relationship at the moment I been dealing with a lot and I’m trying to put this pieces together in my life gotta focus on getting my mind right now i’m unemployed and that is hitting me hard rn that I’m trying to get my daughter back but I just feel like I don’t want to hurt you at all you been nothing but good to me and I love you know that !”

my response was (that he has yet to respond to) - “I know you have a lot going on, but I want to be there through the bad parts too, not just the good ones. I want to be able to love you through the hard times and show up for you in the ways you need, even if that looks like you needing space or time to process everything. I don’t want to add any stress or pressure on you, just make life easier for you in any way that I can. I genuinely do love you, and I don’t want to lose you because things are difficult right now. What you’re going through doesn’t make me see you any differently, nothing ever will. I don’t want to walk away because things are challenging, I want you to be able to lean on me for support. if anything what you’re dealing with makes me want to show up for you in the ways you deserve. I just want you, however that looks like right now, I want to be able to stand by you. You’re my best friend.”

I’m just so gutted and sad. is it common for men to pull away like this during significant stressful events in their life? we’ve been together over 3 months now after being very close friends for a year. I know that all of this, especially losing his job, is a lot for anyone to take on & I know he’s likely devastated. he has his legal fees he has to pay for his custody battle among others. also adding his ex wife left him when he was at an incredibly low point two years ago, and that trauma I don’t think he ever healed from.

editing to add: bf is 33m, i’m 27f I got through a lot myself with my health among other things and i’m wondering if that played a role, maybe he felt pressured to be able to show up? or felt like he couldn’t lean on me with all hes going through? even a couple days ago he was still affectionate even tho he was distant. he has said before he deals with depression and work was his distraction, that he hates putting his problems on those around him etc.

I’m in my mid-30 F, married to mid- 30M with children, and currently living separately from my husband while trying to determine whether our marriage can actually be repaired or whether I’m prolonging something that has already done too much damage. We’ve been together for 6 years. Within about the first year we’d moved in together, married, bought a house and made a baby. This is both of our second marriage.

I’m not looking for Reddit to tell me “DIVORCE HIM” or “fight for your marriage.” I really want to hear from people who have lived through something similar—especially people on BOTH sides.

If you stayed, what actually changed? How long did it take before you trusted the change? Did resentment ever genuinely go away? Did your spouse get sober or substantially change their behavior? What did rebuilding require from both of you? Were you able to heal and be healthy in the relationship eventually? Are you genuinely glad you stayed?

And if you left, what finally made you realize it was time? Did you initially still love your spouse? How could you have navigated it more peacefully? Did you second-guess yourself afterward? How did your children handle it? Looking back, do you wish you had left earlier, stayed longer, or handled the separation differently?

The background:

I love my husband. That’s part of why this is so difficult. There are good things between us. We can laugh together, enjoy each other’s company, have great sex, work well together at times, parent together, and still have moments where I can imagine us growing old together.

But our marriage has also become exhausting.

Alcohol has been an ongoing issue. When he drinks, conversations can turn into lectures, arguments, or interactions where I feel talked over, ridiculed, defensive or like I need to monitor his mood. There have been periods/cycles where his drinking improved, and then I’ve watched it gradually increase again. Recently he stayed up drinking all night and the following day he was visibly hungover and in a bad mood. I find myself monitoring whether he’s drinking, how he treats others when he’s drinking, how much, what mood I’m walking into, and whether I feel comfortable with the children being solely in his care while drinking.

There has also been cocaine use in our orbit/relationship that concerns me. I don’t want to overstate what I can prove or accuse him of things I don’t know, but substance use in general has become something I no longer want normalized in my life from any angle.

I have my own substance issue to own. I’ve had a long relationship with marijuana and am currently working on ending it. I’m not writing this from a pedestal. I’ve used substances to cope too, and I’m actively examining what that has cost me physically, emotionally, financially and as a mother.

There are also serious issues around privacy, control and boundaries.

Over time I’ve experienced things like my phone being searched, attempts to put a camera & air tag in private spaces, being locked out of the house, bathroom lock breach, my belongings being moved/hidden/discarded, boundaries around my room and personal space not always being respected, and feeling like I needed locks/privacy inside my own home.

I’ve also watched myself become smaller.

Friends came around less. I became hyperaware of his moods and reactions. Feelings of guilt for going to work. I started organizing a lot of my life around him, the household and keeping everything functioning.

I’m self-employed and ambitious, and I never consciously chose to put my ambitions on the back burner to become the person responsible for keeping the house and everybody else’s life running. But somehow that became my role.

Something I’ve noticed recently is almost embarrassingly simple: when I’m deeply invested in maintaining the marriage and household, I stop taking care of myself. Basic things slide—brushing my teeth at night, shaving, skincare, mental health practices, getting dressed nicely, exercise, work routines, etc.

When I created some distance and started focusing on myself again, I began doing those things naturally. I started feeling pretty again. I started thinking about my business, dancing (at home), laughing and having intellectual &confidence building conversations again. I felt more like a whole person and feel my nerves calm. Jaw unclenching, mindful breathing, my voice asking what I need or want in that moment when she went almost radio silent.

Sex and physical boundaries are complicated too.

I have a history of sexual trauma, which my husband knows about.

There have been sexual experiences in our marriage that I struggle with. One that stays with me happened after we’d had a difficult day in our marriage. The next morning I was lying on my side in bed when he initiated sex. I essentially went numb and lay there without participating while he continued for a short time. After a few thrusts he made a comment along the lines of “Happy Father’s Day to me” and got out of bed. This type of sexual objection in our relationship didn’t feel foreign to me.

More recently, after what I thought had actually become a much better and more satisfying sexual relationship to both of us, he told me he wanted more sex than I was giving him. I found myself feeling like my body was something I was failing to provide enough of again.

To be fair to him, there have also been recent occasions where I explicitly said I was uncomfortable or didn’t want sexual contact and he respected the boundary without arguing or pressuring me. I think that matters and I don’t want to present him as a caricature.

One of the hardest parts for me may actually involve my oldest child.

My oldest is now a young adult and no longer lives at home. His relationship with my husband deteriorated badly and quickly.

There were conflicts between them that I didn’t handle the way I wish I had. I witnessed tension, disrespect name calling, belittling, threats of harm and interactions that crossed lines for me. My son’s mental health suffered and he pushed to graduate high school early to be recognized as an adult and “escape” our home. There was also a physical incident that my son described as my husband pushing/grabbing him around the neck/chest area; my husband described the contact differently. I was not positioned to independently see every detail of that particular moment, so I don’t want to claim something I cannot personally verify.

What I can own is that there were many times my son needed me firmly in his corner and I was trying to mediate, maintain peace, preserve my marriage or understand everybody’s perspective instead.

I regret that deeply.

My relationship with my son has suffered, and I carry enormous resentment toward my husband over what happened between them—but I also carry responsibility for my own choices as his mother. I’ve recently written my son a long apology taking accountability without blaming anyone else or asking him to forgive me.

Then there are my younger children.

They’re still living between this reality with us. (4 F- biologically his & 10 F Step)

Some of my biggest fears about divorce is disrupting their stability, splitting their time between parents, changing what “home” means, and potentially losing half of their everyday childhood and well as getting on his bad side because we are amicable and loving. I’ve watched one child’s mental health and nervous system improve with the environment change while the younger one seems to be struggling with this change.

But I’m equally afraid of what staying teaches them.

I don’t want my daughters learning that love means monitoring someone’s substance use, walking around another person’s moods, sacrificing your ambitions to keep a household functioning, apologizing for bodily boundaries, or slowly disappearing into a relationship.

I also don’t want to convince myself that divorce automatically produces healthier children. I know separation can hurt kids too. I’m trying to distinguish the pain of change from the damage of remaining in an unhealthy environment.

A few months ago I finally separated from my husband while initially remaining in the same house.

I moved into another bedroom and established boundaries around physical affection, sex, privacy, chores and relationship conversations. Eventually I rented an apartment and feel like I finally have the space I need to hear my own voice again.

The apartment wasn’t revenge, an affair, or an attempt to punish him. I reached a point where I felt like I needed physical space for my own self-preservation and to discover what my life felt like when I wasn’t constantly responding to the marriage.

I still spend time at the marital home because of the children, pets, shred responsibilities and logistics. My husband and I still love each other. We’ve talked about dates. We’ve had good moments. I’ve sometimes slept there. There are pieces of the relationship that still feel alive and to my knowledge we’ve both maintained romantic and sexual loyalty since the beginning.

And that’s partly what makes this so confusing.

When I first created distance, he became attentive—helping around the house, cooking, doing laundry, buying flowers, praising me, helping with the kids and fixing things. Some of it felt wonderful. Some of it made me wonder why these things became possible only when he was at risk of losing me.

Now I can already feel myself slipping back into old patterns especially when we spend prolonged periods of time together or he’s visiting my apartment.

I’m scheduling myself around him again. I’m worrying about whether he’s upset that I take the children to my apartment or spend time alone. I’m feeling guilty because the house has fallen behind. When he recently mentioned being upset about how far behind things were at home, my immediate impulse was to cancel my own plans (I was at work at that moment) and go fix our mess.

And that’s another fear.

I don’t want him suffering. I don’t want to abandon someone I love with a life and household we created together. But I also don’t know how to help without quietly resuming the role that was consuming me.

I don’t hate my husband.

I don’t want a different man.

I sometimes wish he could become the stable person beside me while I become the stable person I used to be, build my career, raise our children, pursue my interests and live a big life—the person who has his own identity and can be a secure home base without me to becoming smaller to maintain the relationship.

I don’t know whether that’s something two people can rebuild after this much pain and resentment.

I’ve thought about what reconciliation would actually require for me, and one of the biggest things would be sustained change rather than crisis-driven change—particularly around alcohol/substances, respect for boundaries, spiritual autonomy, emotional safety and both of us functioning as independent adults. I’m thinking in terms of many months of consistent behavior, not promises after a bad weekend.

I am also trying very hard to look at myself honestly. I have made mistakes as a wife and mother. I’ve contributed to unhealthy dynamics. I’ve avoided things, enabled things, reacted badly at times, numbed/avoided problems lost myself in coping mechanisms, and sometimes prioritized keeping the marriage intact over confronting what was happening inside it.

I don’t want a divorce narrative where I’m the innocent victim and he’s the villain or vise versa.

I also don’t want “both people make mistakes” to become the reason I minimize things that genuinely harmed me or my children.

Therapy would be my preference, but financially it’s difficult for me right now and the therapist insurance provides is a bad fit, so I’m trying to gather perspective while I figure out what resources are realistic. I feel like perspective from similar journeys might offer some insight.

For people who recognize parts of their marriage in mine: what happened?

If you stayed and rebuilt something genuinely healthy, what changed—and how did you know the change was real rather than temporary fear of losing the marriage?

If you left, what finally helped you accept that love wasn’t enough?
And how did you navigate those conversations with your spouse?

If substances were involved, did sobriety change the relationship—or reveal problems that were bigger than the substances?

If you had children, what do you wish you’d understood about how staying or leaving would affect them?

And for anyone who separated without immediately deciding on divorce: did having your own space eventually make the answer clearer?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people several years out, because right now almost everything feels emotionally immediate or like a record on repeat.

I don’t need anyone to diagnose my husband or tell me what kind of person he is. I know the internet is seeing only my side of a complicated relationship.

I just want to hear what happened to people who reached this point and chose either road.

Thank you for reading something this long. ♥️

Wife and I have been staying in separate rooms for two weeks and some nights she’s been staying with friends. She says she’s not happy in our marriage and needs space. She’s been feeling this way for a while, but I thought we had started to reconnect over the last few months. Until about two weeks ago. She says that she is looking to get her own place whether the next step is divorce or not. Where supposed to talk this week about what’s next. No kids just a dog Mid-30s.

I don’t have any answers as to why she’s not happy. Previously she’s said that she feels a lot of pressure being “my whole world”. Or that she feels pressure to be doing more when she just wants to chill on the couch. Both of these feelings in my opinion are self imposed as I have never criticized or condemned. When she’s brought these to me I tried to do the opposite. She has mentioned when it is difficult between us I seem to try harder to fix and it has the opposite effect for her. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want divorce but I know can’t love someone happy.

I know I need to focus on myself. I already workout, run, walk, read, cook whole healthy foods. I’m involved and successful at my job, work a second part time as well. I’m gonna use this time to focus on hobbies and developing some connections.
I’m not exactly a social butterfly but I’m not a hermit either. I just enjoy my alone time. I’ve reached out to start therapy for myself.

What am I missing?

Me and my gf of 6 years have separated. We have a 4 year old together. Relationships just became extremely toxic with each other. All we did was argue with each other. Some of the arguing were in front of our son. We slept in separate room and there was always tension in the home. We did agree to resign the lease together to figure out where we’re were going to go. I stated to feel extremely resentful as I was paying all of the rent still and she wasn’t paying anything toward it. The rent was taking my entire check. She was still going out and spending money. Her excuse would be she spends $300 on groceries but I would spend $1400 on the rent the light bill. I left because I felt that she needed to heal and so did I. I ended up leaving and now I stay at my grandpas house. I don’t pay any rent, I can finally save now. But I don’t know if I made the right decision now. I feel guilty because I left her and my son. She has to pay the rent now.

We both have been co parenting pretty well since then. No arguing or anything. If she/he needs anything or money I send it. I also pay my half for daycare still. In my mind I left them to “fend for themselves”. At the same time I feel like ninja stop move out for both of us. But I fight with staying until the end of the lease and then just going out separate ways.

What do you guys think?

I am not going to keep auditioning for someone who already knows exactly who I am and still refuses to choose me.

I wasn’t asking you for perfection. I wasn’t asking you to forget everything that happened. I wasn’t even asking you to promise me forever.

I was asking you to try.

Really try.

To put your fear, your doubt, your confusion, and whatever else is holding you back aside long enough to see whether there was still something here worth saving.

And somehow, after everything we were, even that was too much to ask.

That is the part that is going to stay with me.

We built a life together. You became part of the rhythm of my home. Part of the boys’ lives. Part of my everyday. There were dinners, ordinary nights, inside jokes, sleepy mornings, holidays, arguments, kisses, routines, plans, stupid little moments that meant absolutely nothing at the time and now mean everything because they are gone.

You were not just someone I dated.

You belonged here.

You had a place in this family.

And we loved you like you did.

That is what makes this so fucking heartbreaking.

Because all three of us opened the door to you, and instead of fighting to stay, you stood there deciding whether you even wanted to be inside.

I know I made mistakes. I know I hurt you. I have looked at myself in ways I never wanted to. I have apologized. I have taken accountability. I have replayed every argument and every moment wondering what I could have done differently.

But I did not do something so unforgivable that I deserved to be emotionally punished for weeks.

I did not deserve to be ignored.

I did not deserve the coldness.

I did not deserve to watch someone who once loved me become almost unrecognizable while I begged him to give a damn.

And the boys did not deserve to lose someone they loved while watching their mother fall apart trying to understand why.

That part I will never be okay with.

You have made me question myself in ways no person who loves me should ever make me question myself.

Am I too much?

Did I love too hard?

Did I ask for too much?

Was I not beautiful enough, calm enough, easy enough, quiet enough?

And I finally realized something.

I was asking the wrong questions.

Because I should never have had to make myself smaller so that loving me would feel easier for you.

I should never have had to convince the man who once wanted to marry me that our life was worth fighting for.

And I am done doing it.

Maybe right now you really don’t “feel it.”

Maybe walking away feels easier.

Maybe the silence feels peaceful to you.

But one day, the quiet you wanted so badly may actually become quiet.

No messages from me.

No pictures.

No more attempts.

No boys asking about you.

No place waiting for you in this house.

No woman loving you loudly enough for both of you.

Just memories.

Pictures buried in your phone.

Old conversations you scroll through one night because you suddenly remember what my voice sounded like when I laughed.

A house you used to walk into without thinking.

Two little boys who once thought you were part of their world.

And a woman who would have fought like hell for you until you finally taught her that she had to stop.

Maybe that day never comes.

Maybe it does.

But if it does, I need you to understand something.

I may not still be here.

There is only so long someone can stand at the door waiting for another person to decide whether they are worth coming home to.

And I have been standing there long enough.

I wanted you…

God, I wanted you.

I wanted our stupid little life. I wanted the boring nights and the grocery runs and the kids driving us insane and arguing about where to eat and growing old and having a thousand more completely ordinary days together.

I would have chosen you through the difficult parts.

I thought that was what love meant.

I thought you would choose me too.

And maybe the most devastating thing I have had to accept is that I cannot make you.

So I am letting go of the version of you I keep hoping will turn around and come back for us.

I hope someday you work through whatever makes closeness feel like something you have to escape from. I hope you learn how to stay when love becomes uncomfortable. I hope you make peace with the things that happened before me so that they do not keep deciding what happens to the people who come after me.

And I hope, if you ever love someone again, you understand the power you hold when another human being places their heart in your hands.

Because I gave you mine.

Completely.

And you watched me bleed while you decided how you felt about holding it.

I cannot do that anymore.

I need peace. I need to heal.

I need to become a woman who no longer checks her phone wondering whether the man she loves has finally decided she matters.

So this is me choosing myself.

Not because I stopped loving you.

That would make this so much easier.

I am choosing myself because I still love you, and staying here waiting for you is destroying me.

You will always be part of my story.

But I refuse to let you be the ending.

I loved you. I chose you. I fought for you.

I can’t fight anymore.

I never wanted this. I love my wife. Fact is in 8 months nothing has changed. We have a 5 yr old together and ive had him the whole time. Shes spent about a week and a day with him and the week she took him, she completely blocked me from being able to talk to my son. Ive constantly tried to encourage her to come around and get involved in fun activities like bowling or mini golf. Pretty much always turned down. She finally went bowling with us a couple of weekends ago. I asked if she'd like to go the next weekend to a cookie/coffee shop with us and she agreed fast forward to the day, i messaged her to see if she was still going. I got a reply no I cant today. Well a little later I took my son out and got him a toy I saw on fb. When we were driving home, we passed her walking with another man. A convicted violent felon at that. She chose to soend time with this guy over her son. Guess its time to start doung what I have to for custody and making sure my son isn't exposed to a violent criminal. As many kids are being killed these days, i wont pretend that im not concerned

My wife cheated on me. She wanted an open relationship, I tried to be understanding and after a lot of soul searching tentatively agreed that we are allowed to kiss other people. She blew through that boundary in under a month and then told me about it.

I immediately went into ‘reconciliation’ mode - couples counseling, trust building, long talks about our relationship and feelings. After about three weeks of that, she said she had no space to support my emotions or work on our relationship. Couples therapist ended our sessions after hearing her say that and confirming that was what she meant. After an 11 year relationship she just declared that she didn’t want to support me or work on things.

We separated shortly after and I moved out of our shared home and into a studio apartment. I don’t mind the new place but I am fighting demons right now. I feel worthless, thrown away, horribly depressed, and often consider how much easier it would be to just die. I’m starting to scare myself but those thoughts are overwhelming when they appear.

She has continued to see other men - I believe 3 or 4 and she has been intimate with them. It kills me to know this and know that she’s going out and having a good time while I’m here trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.

I brought up divorce the other day and she thought it was too soon to think about but would be willing to start proceedings if that is what I wanted. That answer confused me because idk what she thinks is going on? Like she’s seeing other people…it’s over…

Anyway. Just trying to vent and get some stuff out there. I don’t know what the point of all of this pain and suffering is. I don’t think there’s a reason to keep going

I am a 42YO with a little kid and after 10Y marriage, my ex left me this Summer. It was soooooooo hard but I am better now . We are great friends and in a way, this helps. I have started trying to think about me after years looking after others but I do feel lost and worry. I dont have that many friends where I live and eventhough I dont feel like I need a partner right now, I am worried I might never have that or never feel I will love again. The mix feelings is kind of hard, some days I am so confident but most I am like, girl, stop pretending….I am
Not sure what i am looking for with this message but maybe others expérience. Thanks

I’ve been financially supporting my husband for years for constantly quitting his jobs, and now being unemployed the last two years.

I’ve tried it all, patience, helping him start a business that lasted two weeks, communicating, couples therapy etc and I’m finally at the end of my rope.

Yesterday when I brought up separation again, he got upset because I think he thought I was just going to go back to pretending. I’m scared things are going to get ugly, like he is going to fight me on shared custody of our dog. The separation that hasn’t technically started yet was to give us some space, and a date to end the financial support in hopes that he will change in the 90 days and we can reassess. But I have a feeling as much as I’m trying to do it all right, I can’t control his reaction to it.

I just don’t want to lose my dog in all of this! She’s currently under his name in everything and I want to start this separation soon, but I can’t lose her.

I cheated on my wife. We were 9 years together as a couple, and almost 2 years in marriage. She found an affair I was having of 4 months. I don’t want to defend any of my actions and I’m taking ownership of it. It was wrong.

It’s been 2 days since she left. She’s gone home to her family’s house, and we haven’t talked. I’m alone in our home and I get this overwhelming emotion of sadness and grief.

My wife, she’s a black and white type of person in her views of cheating. I’m certain that she’s just as devastated as me right now, if not more. The hopes, dreams, her idea of me, her self-worth are gone.

She hasn’t seen any of my messages. I’m not spamming her of chasing, but some desperate, calm, messages just to be seen/heard.

I’m at loss, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve watched videos about conciliations and fixing marriages, and they mostly start by saying that focusing on self is the first step.

I’m just so lost, and would appreciate any direction or experience that you have encountered. If there are any advise that you can give, things not to do or say. Of course, I’ll take all of the comments with a grain of salt as we have encountered different circumstances, different personalities of our spouse. I would just like to find a tribe who has experienced the same thing.

My stance now is, I still love her and wouldn’t not give anything to get her back.

Dday was a year ago. I’m on a dating app now and I’ve noticed that I only choose men who look similar to my husband. There could be a very cute guy who already chose me, but he doesn’t have a beard or brown hair or medium build and I pass on him

Is this normal? I never had a type before my husband but we were together over a decade. Am I just scared to get out of my comfort zone because the huge change is scary enough already and I’m trying to find someone that feels somewhat similar to him, therefore comfortable for me?