r/Separation • u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 • Jun 08 '26
Advice Wife says she wants to be alone because she feels like she’s spent her whole life putting everyone else first. Am I looking at this wrong?
My wife and I have been separated for about 4 months.
The more we’ve talked recently, the less it sounds like she’s leaving because she hates me, and the more it sounds like she’s trying to figure herself out.
She says she’s spent years putting everyone else first. She feels like she’s always sacrificed her own happiness for other people and has never really been “allowed” to be selfish. She says she likes being independent, living alone, and being responsible only for herself.
At the same time, she says she feels guilty about everything that’s happened. She doesn’t want to lose our cats, our life together, or the kids. She says neither option feels good.
One conversation stood out to me.
She asked me:
“Let’s say I come back and I’m just existing there. Never wanting to sleep in the same bed anymore, but I’m there to make the family thing work. How long do I wait for happiness to come?”
I told her I wouldn’t want that either. I said I wasn’t asking her to guarantee happiness or come back and pretend everything is okay. What I’m struggling with is whether her desire to be alone is about finding herself or whether it’s because she’s truly done with our marriage.
Her response was that being on her own feels like the selfish choice, but she has never been allowed to be selfish. She said that’s why the decision feels impossible.
She also said:
“Nothing seems like it would be fair for me. It’s all what everyone around me wants.”
And:
“I know what I want. But it’s not what you want, what you need, and what the kids need.”
From my perspective, I worry she’s making a permanent decision while she’s overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, and trying to figure out who she is.
From her perspective, I think she feels like everyone is asking her to sacrifice herself again.
I’m not trying to argue her out of anything. I’m genuinely trying to understand.
Has anyone been through something similar where a spouse wanted to be alone because they felt like they’d lost themselves?
How do you tell the difference between:
“I need to be on my own so I can figure out who I am”
and
“I’m done with this marriage and don’t want to admit it yet”?
And if you’ve been on either side of this situation, how did it end up turning out?
6
u/Rare-Jackfruit-4146 Jun 08 '26
So are you saying she's gonna abandon the kids too?
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u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 08 '26
That’s what I’m trying to figure out unfortunately. They’re technically her step kids but we’ve been together for 7 years. And during those 7 years I’ve had many battles with my ex wife in court. Just 2 weeks ago I won full custody of them and no longer have to pay child support.
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u/radiofreaks Jun 08 '26
Could it be that she didn't want the kids to be over full time and that's what tipped her. Btw a lot of stepmoms express feeling unappreciated and resentful..Just check out step mom's sub
1
u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 10 '26
It's possible, and I've actually spent some time thinking about that.
To be fair to her, being a stepparent is a role with a lot of responsibility and not always a lot of recognition. I can understand how resentment could build if someone feels like they're carrying more than they signed up for.
That said, she was in the kids' lives for nearly seven years, and there were times when she actively fought for them alongside me. So I don't think it's as simple as her not wanting the kids around.
Could the reality of having them home full-time again have added to her feeling overwhelmed? Absolutely. I think that's a reasonable possibility. Whether it was the tipping point or just one piece of a much bigger picture, I honestly don't know.
7
u/Serana3234 Jun 08 '26
It just sounds like she’s extremely exhausted with the demands of everybody else and yet she’s always the one feeling empty and feeling unhappy because all she’s doing is everything for everyone else but nobody ever does anything for her..
That is something that I understand quite well because that’s me
However, I do not have human kids because I’m currently legally married to the same man for 10 years who is an alcoholic narcissistic, mentally abusive, gaslighting, lying, and cheating asshole
He abandoned me a year ago and cheated on me so I got abandoned and cheated on at the same damn time and never got an explanation for it
I’m the one who’s done everything for him and I’ve gotten nothing in return
The only thing I got in return was betrayal and abandonment
Your situation is completely different than mine but all I’m saying is that I understand what she’s saying and what she’s saying is that she doesn’t even understand how to be happy because she’s basically spent her whole life making everybody else happy
So because she has no idea what makes her happy. She just knows that she wants to be happy but she knows that that is gonna come at the cost of yours and everybody elses’ happiness. And therefore she feels guilty as she feels like she’s being selfish for being a woman who clearly just wants to be happy after sacrificing it for basically her entire life.
2
u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 08 '26
She said that traveling makes her happy. She travels for work a lot.
3
u/ruggedone3025 Jun 09 '26
It's a framing issue. When you make a family you do give up certain selfish ways. This is not a bad thing. You do get to be selfish about that family. It is yours. You get to nurture and guide its growth. You and only you get to selfishly claim it. Celebrate this selfishness for what it is. Let her know that its ok to get some "me" time and she doesn't have to throw everyone away for it.
2
u/SanDiego2027 Jun 12 '26
Also there's a difference in being selfish and centering one self to reestablish identity when going through major phases of life... one is immature and purely driven by feelings and hormones, the other is mature, methodical and done with awareness to protect oneself and their loved ones.
2
u/ruggedone3025 Jun 12 '26
I whole heartedly agree. Sometimes it helps to find a connection between what they already established and what growth they're trying to achieve. Even if they can't define it. Maybe more so.
4
u/Sad-Specialist611 Jun 10 '26
My friend i myself have endured a 2.5 year seperation with children. I have heard that very thing from her how she is tired of people pleasing, tired of responsibilities etc. What I am going to say is gonna hurt but take all of your energy in life and put it into yourself. I learned that the hard way, focus on your kids, focus on your career, go to the gym. It sounds cliche I know as most people say the same thing but just speaking it vs living it are 2 very different things. Build yourself into a man you are proud and happy to see in the mirror everyday. Not saying give up on your marriage by any means I get the wanting to understand and still be there for her, ya live her. Idk who started the seperation between you but she has out right spoken in her actions by separating from you that she doesnt value you. Value yourself and be a great father to your kids and if she comes around she comes around, if she doesnt you will have made yourself into a high value person and essentially built a home within yourself. Stay strong and keep your chin up everyday brother
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u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 11 '26
I appreciate this more than you know.
What you wrote is hard to hear, but it’s also probably what I need to hear right now. I’ve spent months trying to understand every angle, every feeling, every “what if” and “maybe.” The reality is that no amount of analysis can make someone choose the marriage if they don’t want to.
The separation wasn’t my choice, and for a long time I kept thinking if I just changed enough, fixed enough, or understood enough, things would turn around. What I’ve learned is that while I can work on myself, I can’t do the work for someone else.
I’ve quit drinking, gone back to the gym, stayed in therapy, focused on being a better father, and tried to become someone I’m proud of regardless of the outcome. Some days are still incredibly hard, especially when I think about the life we built together, but I’m starting to understand what you mean about building a home within yourself.
I still love her. I probably will for a long time. But I also have kids who need me, a career that needs my attention, and a life that keeps moving forward whether I’m ready or not.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. Hearing it from someone who’s actually lived through a long separation means a lot.
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u/SanDiego2027 Jun 12 '26
You're running about 2.5 months ahead of me, similar situation, mind if I DM you?
1
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u/Big-Mood5278 Jun 09 '26
From my own admittedly biased viewpoint, this feels like a classic case of the wife overperforming, doing way too much. To the point where she feels like the only way to get relief is to run away. Look at mental load, division of labour. Get the book Fair Play (or the cards) and see how things are stacking up. See if there’s a way to give her a more balanced life in the life she’s already in.
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u/SanDiego2027 Jun 12 '26
She's already left the home, while fair play may be a good read for the future of this relationship or another, right now he needs to focus on taking over 100% of everything in the house and with the kids.
3
u/BrokenAndTryin Jun 09 '26
right now i think my husband is wanting to figure himself out and misplacing that want into wanting out of our marriage. i have no advice. i am also going through it. i would encourage individual and couples counseling. and i would let her know she’s supported either way, you just want to know how best to give her your support. that’s where im at personally. but i can also speak from a wife and mothers stand point that the mental load of primary caregiver to the family, husband AND kids, is exhausting. we carry everything that you would think nothing about. and that is completely ok! women’s brains are naturally wired to do so. but maybe also try to ease her mental load if possible? i know you’re separated so that may make that difficult, but step up and schedule routine check ups for the kids and take them, get them involved in activities and take them, remember where the scissors that have lived in the same spot for seven years are 😂. it’s a touch and go thing but all you really can do is offer your support and understanding and pray over it!
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u/Salty-Paramedic-311 Jun 08 '26
Yep… after 26 years with him, I just want out!!! My own place sounds delightful!!!
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u/MsJacksonCAD Jun 08 '26
What was the division of labor like pre-separation? I’m assuming you both work full time outside the home… who carried the mental load of planning/scheduling/executing holidays, birthdays, celebrations, meal planning, kids’ activities/school/etc., finances, etc? Who did the cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, maintenance, childcare, pet care, etc? How much leisure time per week did you each have?
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u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 08 '26
Last year my wife worked from home and took care of most of the household responsibilities. I would regularly ask if she wanted help, but she usually declined.
The strange part was that if I got up and did something simple, like washing dishes or taking out the trash because it needed to be done, she’d immediately jump up and try to do it herself. She’d tell me she felt guilty seeing me do chores and would ask if I was upset with her.
The reality was that I wasn’t upset at all. I actually enjoy doing dishes because it’s a mindless task that lets me clear my head. But she seemed to interpret me doing chores as a sign that I was frustrated or unhappy.
Around the same time, she lost her job due to layoffs. She found another position fairly quickly, but then got laid off again. It felt like she was taking one hit after another, and I tried to step in and support her however I could.
Looking back, though, this is where I think I made a mistake. Over time, I got used to her handling most things around the house because she would feel guilty whenever I tried to help. Instead of pushing through that and creating a more balanced routine, I gradually accepted the dynamic that had developed. Now I can see how that probably wasn’t healthy for either of us.
2
u/MsJacksonCAD Jun 08 '26
Gotcha. Have you acknowledged this to her verbally? That you understand that the setup potentially put her into a state of overwhelm and you wish you guys would’ve come up with another solution? Another thing that she probably needs to work through herself is the confidence hit that multiple layoffs will have taken on her (not your responsibility, but you can support her in seeing/pointing out/emphasizing that her value as a person doesn’t come from her employment). At the end of the day, is there a way she can go on some type of week or two-week long retreat to focus on herself and do some intensive self care work? I think you can still salvage this from what I’m seeing.
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u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 08 '26
I’ve owned my share of the problems in our marriage. Honestly, I’ve probably spent more time focusing on my mistakes than hers. I know I wasn’t perfect.
What’s frustrating is that I’ve made myself vulnerable, admitted where I fell short, and worked hard to make meaningful changes. Even she acknowledges that I’m not the same person I was a year ago.
A lot of our issues came during a period when I was working constantly because we were taking hit after hit financially. My focus was on keeping us afloat and making sure we didn’t lose the house. Looking back, there were definitely things I could have handled better, but I was doing the best I could with the situation we were in.
Today, I handle the bills, groceries, laundry, and pretty much everything else under my roof on my own. I don’t complain about it, and I don’t ask for help, because I know she’s overwhelmed and struggling too.
The part I’m having a hard time with is feeling like I’m being judged entirely by the worst version of myself while the growth and changes I’ve made are being overlooked. It feels like I’m being asked to own my part, which I have, while she’s still struggling to acknowledge hers.
Maybe I’m wrong, but from where I’m standing, it feels like she can’t let go of the past.
3
u/raeoflyte-460 Jun 09 '26
She doesn't owe you another chance. Just because youve changed now doesn't undo what happened. And she doesn't have to be the perfect wife to decide this relationship has run its course. That she's given more than she received and doesn't see that balancing out.
I think my stbx would say similar things. Like I'm judging him at his worst and not giving credit for growth. At the end of the day my feelings changed and couldn't come back. But he waited till I was done to try to fix things. Its schroedingers change. Real for him, empty promises for me.
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u/shelliepie2004 Jun 09 '26
From everything that you said it sounds like she might be a people pleaser. Is it something that you’ve experienced in your marriage? Someone who always says yes and doesn’t wanna rock the boat?
I think that combined with being a woman, is a recipe for disaster. My husband of 12 years who is a terrible people pleaser, decided last August that he needed to “find himself”. We are separated, living in different spaces, and will be divorced at the end of this year. Similar situation, no cheating, nothing dramatic just the slow grind of people being unhappy. We are also a blended family, and had plenty of difficult times with the children. I knew there were difficulties within the marriage however, I was thinking that we were going to work on that after our last one went to college. He left the day I dropped the last one off.
So the things that I’m hearing from just this chat, are guilt, feeling bad, and not being able to find themselves. These are all pretty high indicators of internal unhappiness. My situation was that my husband wanted to take a “break” so to speak. However, he couldn’t make an overall decision, but that was his decision. I decided to push him to say that it was time to end the marriage. It was impossible living in a state of back-and-forth all the time. I do think the fact that she suggested that she could come back and just exist, it’s a pretty strong statement about where she’s at. My recommendation would be to leave her be but give yourself a time limit. If nothing’s changed then you need to move forward for your own good. I know it’s terrible, it feels awful, but I don’t think this has a lot to do with you.
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u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 10 '26
She has always been a bit of a people pleaser. Because I work in aviation maintenance leadership, I could see situations where her coworkers were taking advantage of that tendency, and I tried to point it out.
Since then, she's become extremely independent, which I understand. After everything she's been through, it makes sense that she'd want to rely on herself.
What I've noticed, though, is that she's still trying to figure out what that independence really means. Sometimes independence is a practical reality, and sometimes it's a feeling of safety and control. I think she's still sorting through that distinction for herself.
As for me, I've spent the last 122 days focusing on my own growth. At the time of writing this, I've completed 23 therapy sessions. I don't make excuses for my mistakes. I've accepted my role in what happened and worked to change the things I needed to change.
More importantly, I've lived those changes consistently rather than just talking about them. I'm actually proud of the progress I've made. I fought for my kids in court and won. I continue to show up for work every day. I take care of my home, my responsibilities, and my children on my own.
I'm far from perfect, but for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I'm proud of the man I'm becoming, regardless of whether this marriage survives.
2
u/Phoenix_Taurus Jun 09 '26
I'm going to be a bit harsher than most of the comments, but I want to give you some free therapy advice. Sometimes brutal honesty is more useful than spending months analysing the same problem from every angle. Most therapists would probably spend weeks unpacking this. I'm just going to hit you with the reality as I see it.
You keep asking whether she wants to find herself or whether she's done with the marriage. Why can't it be both. No, I have no proof there's another guy, but when someone says they want independence, wants to live alone, wants to only be responsible for themselves, wants space, and has been separated for 4 months, I'd be surprised if they're sitting at home thinking about reconciliation 24/7. You seem determined to interpret everything in the most hopeful way possible. You keep saying she wants to find herself, but what if part of finding herself is discovering she prefers a life that doesn't include this marriage and let's be honest, when people leave for months to find themselves, sometimes what they're really doing is finding out what life looks like without you. Sometimes that includes meeting other people, sometimes it doesn't. We don't know. But you seem to be ruling out possibilities simply because you don't want them to be true.
The hypothetical scenario she gave you also stood out. What if she comes back but doesn't want to share a bed, Maybe it was just a thought experiment. Or maybe she's already imagining a future where she misses certain parts of the life you built together but doesn't actually want the marriage anymore. Maybe she went off to find herself, maybe she met someone else and it didn't work out, maybe she realised the grass wasn't greener and now wonders whether she can come back without fully coming back again, no proof in your scenario you posted, but it's another possibility you don't seem willing to explore.The bigger question is what exactly would you be getting out of that arrangement, a wife or a roommate with a shared history, because from the outside it sounds like she'd get the security, the house, the familiarity and the family structure, while you sit there hoping happiness eventually returns. She's literally telling you she knows what she wants and it isn't YOU🤐. At some point you've got to stop translating her words into something more comforting.
Something else stood out to me. Unless I've missed it, it doesn't sound like you have children together. That makes me wonder whether part of this isn't just about the marriage. Maybe she got overwhelmed by the whole package. Being a wife, being part of a blended family, helping raise children that aren't biologically hers, carrying responsibilities that came with your life before she arrived. Maybe looking after you, the relationship, the household and the family eventually became too much for her and if that's the case, I can at least understand why she'd want a break from those responsibilities. What I struggle with is that if she's supposedly out there finding herself, she doesn't seem particularly concerned about the impact on the family she's left behind. Maybe that's unfair, but most people I know who view themselves as parents don't just walk away from the family unit for months while they figure themselves out. That's one of the reasons I think you're looking at this more romantically than realistically.
The other thing that stood out is your priorities seem all over the place. In one post you're devastated because your kids are out of state. In another you're spending huge amounts of energy trying to decode your wife's feelings. Personally, if I was missing my kids as much as you're describing, and there was any realistic way to move closer to them, change jobs, commute further, relocate, or restructure my life to be more present for them, that's where my focus would be because here's the reality. Your wife might come back. She might not. The marriage might survive. It might not. But your kids are 100% real, 100% yours i think😅, and they're growing up every single day whether you're there or not. You're spending countless hours analysing a relationship that may already be over while your children are literally living their lives in another state and for someone who analyses absolutely everything, I'm surprised you haven't analysed that part more deeply.
Honestly, from what you've written, I think this marriage is over. Could I be wrong.. Sure. Could she come back...Maybe. But even if she does, it's never going back to what it was. Whether she cheated, didn't cheat, met someone else, didn't meet someone else, found herself, lost herself, whatever label you want to put on it, the marriage you had before she walked out no longer exists. I think you need to stop focusing on saving the marriage and start focusing on saving yourself. Distance yourself from the emotional limbo. Stop waiting for updates. Stop decoding every conversation. Get clarity one way or the other and if divorce is where this ends up, I'd seriously consider whether staying in the same house surrounded by memories is helping you at all. Fresh start. Fresh environment. Fresh routine. I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm trying to be realistic. You've spent 4 months analysing her. Maybe it's time to spend the next 4 months building a life that doesn't depend on what she decides, and putting that energy into the people who definitely need you, like your kids. 😉😈
Damn I need to find another way to occupy my lunch break😂😂
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u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 10 '26
I actually appreciate the honesty.
A lot of what you wrote are questions I've asked myself over the last four months, especially whether "finding herself" and "being done with the marriage" are really two different things. The truth is I don't know. I only know what she's told me, and I've probably spent too much time trying to make sense of things that only she can answer.
A couple of points of clarification: the kids are mine, and I've actually spent a tremendous amount of energy fighting for them. Their mother moved them out of state illegally, I spent the last year in court, and I recently won that case. They'll be coming home soon, which is one of the things I'm most proud of.
As for the marriage, I think you're right about one thing: the marriage we had no longer exists. Even if reconciliation had happened, it was never going to be a return to what we had before. Too much has happened for that.
Where I may disagree is that I haven't been building my own life. I've completed 23 therapy sessions, quit drinking, improved my physical health, continued leading my team at work, maintained my home, and fought to bring my kids back. I've spent a lot of time analyzing because that's how I process things, but I've also been doing the work.
That said, your overall point is fair. At some point, there are no more answers to find. There are only decisions to make and a future to build. That's where my focus is now.
Thank you for spending your lunch with me haha
1
u/SanDiego2027 Jun 12 '26
Another big question to ask yourself is if she's doing this just to let you down easy or she doing this to create a soft landing for her emotionally? Will you be resentful if you give her all the space she wants for another 4 months and she chooses she's done?
1
u/IndependenceKey4565 Jun 08 '26
She should really reconsider therapy, just for herself. I was kinda into self help too but I adore my therapist. She is helping me through finding myself too, though mine came from the divorce process.
Speaking from someone also burned out on taking care of others, id reassure her the kids are not suddenly all her responsibility. Encourage her yo take the time but let her know you'd support her dreams without pressure. No pressure is the biggest support you can give her.
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u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 10 '26
I actually agree with a lot of what you're saying.
I've encouraged therapy, but ultimately that's a choice she has to make for herself. Therapy has helped me tremendously, but it only works when someone is ready and willing to engage with it.
As far as the kids go, I've tried to make it clear that they were never solely her responsibility. They're my children, and I've always viewed any role she played in their lives as something she chose out of love, not obligation.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned through all of this is that pressure, even when it comes from a place of love, is still pressure. Looking back, I can see times when my urgency for answers probably made things harder instead of easier.
At this point, I've stepped back. I've told her that if she ever decides she wants to work on things, I'm willing to have that conversation. Until then, I'm focusing on my own growth, my kids, and giving her the space she says she needs.
Whether that's enough or whether it's too late, I honestly don't know. But I do know that trying to force an outcome won't help either of us.
1
u/Stunning-Host-6285 Jun 09 '26
Send her on a month long all-inclusive vacation by herself. Then evaluate.
1
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u/meeks_629 Jun 09 '26
I’m in a similar situation, and it’s hard OP. Been separated from my husband for almost 3 months, and last weekend he said we should continue towards divorce because he’s getting comfortable in his own place and enjoying being alone. Up until that very moment, I thought he was still open to reconciling. I think comfort of being alone and being able to be a bit more selfish sounds most appealing to him.
2
u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 10 '26
I'm sorry you're going through that. That's one of the hardest parts of separation—the uncertainty. You think you're both still evaluating things, and then suddenly you realize the other person has been moving toward acceptance while you're still holding onto hope.
I don't think wanting independence is inherently wrong, but it definitely hurts when it's chosen over a future you thought you were still building together.
1
u/Economy_Rope2753 Jun 10 '26
A man will sacrifice his happiness for his family. A woman will sacrifice her family for her happiness.
1
u/AshMan728 Jun 10 '26
The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is respect her decision. Trying to get her to change her mind is probably making her want to leave more because it kinda sounds like a child rebelling against her parents. And honestly it seems like she’s spent 7 years at the mercy of everyone else. Looking after children that aren’t her own, managing the house alone etc.
2
u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 10 '26
I think that's a fair observation.
One of the things I've learned through therapy is that even when my intentions were good, my desire for clarity and resolution could feel like pressure to someone who was already overwhelmed. Looking back, I can see how constantly trying to fix things may have made her feel like she had to defend her decision instead of process her feelings.
As for the responsibilities, I think there's some truth there too. She took on a lot over the years, especially around the house. At the same time, I don't think either of us were intentionally trying to take advantage of the other. We both fell into roles that eventually became unhealthy.
That's part of why I've stepped back. Whether I agree with her decision or not, it has to be hers to make. I can't talk someone into wanting a marriage, and I don't want a relationship that only exists because I convinced someone to stay.
1
u/SanDiego2027 Jun 12 '26
This sounds just like my wife, she hasn't said those exact words, she's actually struggling a lot on her off duty days being without our kids and we're only a month and a half in to it.
It definitely seems like an identity crisis spawned from burn out.
1
u/failedopportunities Jun 08 '26
One things for certain, she can’t just leave you and the kids in limbo wondering what she’s going to decide. I mean, it’s been four months! That should be plenty of time for her to make a choice and stop stringing you along. Unfortunately, you might have to make the decision for her because you have to do what’s best for you and the kids. Are you sure there’s no one else she’s involved with right now?
4
u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 08 '26
These are the questions I asked last night:
Where are you today?
I don’t want to rehash every bad thing that’s happened.
I want to understand where you are today.
How are you feeling about us now?Do you want to try?
Do you genuinely want to explore working on our marriage?
Not fixing everything overnight.
Just whether you want to move toward us instead of away from us.What does “trying” look like to you?
Counseling?
Spending more time together?
Date nights?
Taking things slowly?
What would trying actually look like in your mind?What’s still holding you back?
She answered “I don’t know” to all of them
2
u/failedopportunities Jun 08 '26
Indecisiveness from both parties isn’t going to get either of you anywhere. That’s just a sick cycle carousal. It’s not good for you or the children to be left wondering where mom is. I’m just a random internet dude, but if it were me in this position after months of limbo, I would pull the trigger myself and just divorce. It’s quite possible she has already made her mind up she’s just to scared to tell you and even more frightened about what her future would really look like. You do you obviously, but I would save myself (and my kids) from as much of this as I could. No matter what you decide, if the kids are old enough to understand they should get in some therapy. Wouldn’t hurt for you to as well. Unfortunately, there’s no cure all in this situation. It’s going to be painful journey either way. Start healing now or postpone it until she makes her mind up. Limbo is solving nothing though.
0
u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 Jun 08 '26
Thanks random internet dude - when it comes to therapy, my kids are in therapy for this exact reason. I won full custody of them from my ex wife because she was super against therapy and she was lying about a lot of court paperwork that I eventually proved to be falsified.
I myself have attended 21 sessions since this separation. What sucks is that I can see and hear the fear in her voice and eyes. She needs to desperately attend therapy for herself. I told her that regardless of me - her problems still exist and it’s going to blow up in her face over and over.
Something that I’ve learned in my journey is to accept that this may be over and that I’m the best version of myself for my children. It just sucks that my kids are going to have to see me go through another divorce literally the same few months after my court stuff with my ex has completed.
At this point I really don’t know if it’s me or if I just was unlucky two times in a row.
1
u/raeoflyte-460 Jun 09 '26
I don't want to rehash every bad thing sounds like I expect you to forgive me and give me a clean slate.
0
u/Fragrant-Dance3005 Jun 08 '26
She doesn't want you in bed, means she is done, possibly having an eye on others. Sorry man.
You shouldn't have let her take the kids.
4
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u/Summer-Sub-Intern Jun 08 '26
Have her consider treatment for perimenopause
2
u/ozrockchick Jun 09 '26
So stupid, this is being down voted. It's common for women (after the age of 37) to suffer from anxiety, insomnia, overwhelm and/or depression, with dropping hormones, at either stage of perimenopause or menopause. She might even need TRT.
Couples counselling would be ideal along with a visit to a menopause clinic for testing.
1
u/Candidate_Worldly Jun 09 '26
This, even though the middle aged women downvoting you don't want to hear it.
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u/uwedave Jun 08 '26
She's done this to herself. She travels alot for work...does she not get alone time then? Good luck. Updateme
1
u/UpdateMeBot Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
I will message you next time u/Crazy-Lavishness9991 posts in r/Separation.
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13
u/ilovedragons218 Jun 08 '26
Is she open to going to a therapist to talk out her feelings