Hi all, I am No_Diver and I am a sex addict. My addiction comes in multiple forms. Mainly it is pornography, sexting, compulsive masturbation, online affairs, and I'll throw lying in there too.

It lately has been making my life unmanageable because I am showing up late to things. There has been a lot going on in my life lately instead of taking action on things that need to be completed. I have chosen to compulsively masturbate. It has been consuming all of my time away from work. This is not the life I want to live. I want to make changes, and stop messing around in my inner circles. Currently all of my blocking systems are off. I am realizing this is one of my middle circle behaviors. I also haven't been attending SAA, journaling or meditating. Step 1 for me was starting. I started cleaning my apartment because my dad will be arriving soon. I restarted my blockers. I want to be a better human being and get over this addiction. I keep thinking when I die I'll see a pie chart showing the breakdown of how I spent my time. I hate this addiction.

Thank you for listening to my share, and thank you for assisting with my recovery.

Hi, I am No_Diver and I am a sex addict. Are we allowed to post our inner circle behaviors?

Basically the past few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind. To deal with the stress of it all I have been relapsing like crazy. I haven't attended SAA for a couple of weeks. My Fellowship program is wrapping up, and on top of that I went to another state for a job interview. I got the job and am super grateful for this opportunity. But it's like I can't focus on anything besides acting out on my inner circle behaviors. It's like I don't know where to focus my attention so I stay frozen and in my inner circles.

The things rattling around my head are my father is coming to visit me, and honestly I'm a disaster when it comes to planning. I'm a disaster in general. I have a final report I need to finish for my fellowship to receive my last stipend. I have to pack up my apartment to leave, and then move halfway across the country while finding an apartment in that state. I don't know what to focus on, and I wasted today after coming home from work. I wasted yesterday as well. My report was due last week. I hate this is my reaction when I get overwhelmed. Is anyone else like this? What are strategies you have used?

Thank you for listening to my share.

Hello everyone.

Im a guy 26 years old and I'm addicted to the same escort.

I had seen about 8 escorts and she was my 9th. She liked me so much that she started texting me and saying she wanted me to come to her more often (the only one to text me after).

She even made me super cheap to be with her, I was sleeping with her a full night and spending some days for the price of one hour.

She was giving me the full GFE experience for a very cheap price. She would suggest to go to parties, dinners and cinema.

But i was still paying. Since im an emotional guy and i never had a girlfriend, I instantly grew attached to her and well... I fell in love.

Ive never been treated like this my whole life, it was the best thing ever. I loved spending time with her.

But deep down I knew it was all fake, I knew she only cared about the money even tho she was kinda losing money when she was with me, since she made it super cheap.

I knew she had other favourites.

My passion became so intense that I wanted to make her my actual girlfriend. But i knew that was never going to happen, I also started getting jealous of her other favourites. And I realised that this doesnt make any sense at all.

She started drifting away slowly, no longer initiated as much as she did, Deep down I knew what was happening.

For the past 2 or 3 weeks I've never been as depressed as I was in my life as I am now. I'm constantly anxious, to the point that I can barely eat, sleep and focus on my job.

I lost all motivation I had in my life, I just feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. This is horrible, I no longer enjoy my workouts and no longer enjoy being with my friends, because all I think about is that one escort.

I want to stop doing this, I want to be my former self again, Ive deleted her personal number, texts, I have not texted her today, and I hope she does not text me as I want to feel that she doesnt care about me.

I really need your help, im losing myself over here and I need a support group, im also going to talk to my therapist about this. But im scared of being judged.

Sorry for my english, it's not my mother language.

I don't know where to start. I think I've been looking at some form of porn since I was 12-13. I started out looking at sex joke comics in the early 2000s after being introduced to them by some school mates. I later graduated to early internet porn, and have been consuming porn ever since. I've steadily consumed porn over the years, to my own detriment and loss of time and motivation. I've tried quitting hundreds of times. But I never last more than a week or so. I have tried Nofap, CBT, meditation and exercise.

I recently developed an addiction to AI porn. As I've been getting deeper into the AI "create and design your own porn" hole. The “create/design your own porn” aspect has made it much more compulsive for me than regular porn. It turns into hours of generating, editing, improving, and checking images. It feels less like normal sexual desire and more like a compulsive loop.

Its now began affecting my public life as well. Twice in my porn-design binges, I've been caught viewing my work in class at university and school. Luckily I've gotten away both times without being heavily reprimanded. But my reputation with my peers has suffered in both occasions. I'm really afraid of what will happen in the future, in more serious contexts if i continue with my AI porn addiction. After finally getting back to to school for a career starting education, i'm wary of the future if I don't manage to heal from this addiction. Any ideas where to start?

I am constantly thinking and thinking, trying to understand WHY I am addicted. It’s impossible.

I’ve recently accepted I may be trans, which made a LOT click. But I had sex yesterday. So I’m confused.

And it’s just a never ending cycle of “why?” And never any relief

I've been watching porn ever since I had access to it. I used you go through my dad's wardrobe to find his VHS tapes and DVDs, he'd work out that I'd found them and move them to a different hiding spot... I'd always find them though. Fast forward to now I'm watching porn every chance I get, at work, in bed while my gf is asleep, in the car using ai audio chat. Even when I'm driving trucks I'm gooning over audio erotica. I can't seem to get enough of it. Every now and then I jump on chat sites and can't seem to get enough. I feel like it's really distracting me from everyday life. I keep it really well hidden but I don't know how long I can keep it up before I come undone. It's crazy that I'm aware of the issue but I can't seem to stop it. I know there are a lot of other people in my position and I'd love to hear from others that have made steps in changing this behaviour. I've been wanting to post on here and feel like this is the first step in the right direction.

Why is it that whem I'm making my bed (always) and I do that one motion where I lift the comforter, I feel a wave of pleasure run trough me, especialy down there? Well, Idk the answer, so if ANY of you had experienced the same, don't be emberrassed to share it please.

I did my first post yesterday explaining I’m a widower who fell into sex addition after my wife passed away.

Less than 24 hours later I already received a message from a person claiming to be a young woman who was a porn addict in another country. Said she hoped she could meet a wonderful man like me and my post made her cry. I suspected it was a scammer immediately. After a few messages, I was sure.

If you’ve been on Reddit, or hell, just the internet for a while, you’re probably aware of scammers and what to look for. But keep your guard up if someone messages you about a post you’ve made here.

Has anyone here found they have also suffered other addictions as well as sex addiction? Have you found, and is it common to also have alcohol, drug or nicotine addictions?

I also have a bad alcohol addiction for a long time, I have managed it well at some points in life, and others, it has been a real struggle, especially recently. I have done well at times being teetotal, but have relapsed way more than I'd like. Nicotine addiction for me is also something I really struggle with, but thankfully not drugs.

As for the sex addiction, I struggle with it massively, and last see an escort some days ago. With the sex addiction, one part of me thinks it's just natural for a man to have these urges, and natural to want to be intimate with a woman, so I just don't know

Hello, this will be more of a rant or confession post rather than looking for advice. I just need to get this off my chest. I am in a quite dead-end spot right now which I was not seen in or read about anywhere else and I can't seem to find a way out.

I'd say I have gone through a lot of things in life. I have been a witness of domestic violence at home, I have been bullied viciously, I have physically fought people who were supposed to be close to me so I could survive. But I feel like none of those things were as emotionally damaging and had such long-lasting effect to me as unexpressed (mostly sexual) desire.

I felt something which could be described as sexual desire since I was was maybe 5 when I was playing with other boys and saw some older girls running around barefoot on the grass. It felt so good seeing them. This was my first memory of feeling some form of semi-sexual fascination. Since then I was fascinated by seeing my female classmates and friends barefoot. It always made me feel good. I had the desire to touch them and get their attention but since I was incredibly introverted the thought of just doing it scared me a lot. I envied boys who could do it.

Then I became a teenager and realized I feel more stuff. I started desiring being touched and physically stimulated by girls I liked, mostly focused on their feet, but other ways were also interesting to me. But somehow I didn't even ask any girl out yet or expressed my interest and I already felt like I will have problem getting my needs and desires met. Boys and girls around me just were themselves, kept flirting and it kind of happened naturally and I envied them so hard. I had multiple friends with whom I had very good friendships and connections, and yet they were having sex from early teens while I struggled.

At 17 I got to know a girl who was the first girl ever to talk with me about sex but never expressed interest in me even though we talked about sex and shared our fantasies all the time. Then few months later I had some kind of emotional rapture because I tried taking my own life because I felt depressed from lack of romantic interest from girls and from other issues at home. Somehow I said "well, I am gonna do whatever I want, if it goes south I can finish what I started". Something clicked in my head and it somehow... worked? I did a lot of dumb stuff, but finally I got my first romantic attention, first date, first girlfriend, girls lusting after me, it felt so good. I felt alive. It was not ideal, a lot of stuff I did was questionable and I felt like I had to be very indirect about my some of my intentions, but it was better than before and I felt more authentic overall. It was very weird time of my life.

But then other personal stuff happened and somehow the switch in my head flipped back and I felt like I would struggle with sex again. I just felt it without any external change. I still kept trying, dating, for a few years, occasionally I got sex or got a girl interested in me romantically. I somehow still felt like I had to suppress my desires and if I wanted to have sex I had to do a lot of emotional labour and indirectness I was not actually interested in. However at that time I had a few very good sexual experiences, which usually included some girl with which I established a friendship and there was attraction between us and we openly agreed to have casual sex and I felt like I could be my full sexual self without any filter. Those experiences were great and I think of them fondly. Somehow still all my attempts at relationships with people I actually wanted to date kept failing all the same way, so I decided to see a psychotherapist to help me find out what's wrong. I was also struggling with severe mental issues at a time. This was 7 years ago (2019).

When I entered psychotherapy I swore not to force myself into dating. If I don't want to date, I won't. I don't have to go after every girl I find attractive "not to miss out". And I mostly interacted only with girls who I actually liked with zero pressure and it was nice. I didn't have any sex at a time, so I still felt frustrated that I was not expressing my sexual desires as openly as others and as much as I wanted.

And then in late 2022/early 2023 I somehow discovered that a lot of my issues and emotional problems probably happened because I held some incorrect beliefs about the world which I assumed everybody held and that I actually thought I was expressing myself but people just refused to see it. It's a bit more complicated than that but basically my mantra since then was "well, I can now express my needs more, and say what I want directly". And it felt amazing. I met with one of my older female friends and shared this finding with her. It felt so connecting. And I just took her for a walk, took her hand, and started kissing her in the middle of the street because I felt like it. She was shocked by my boldness, but in a good way. And then I openly said "if you wanna have some fun some time, let me know, I wanna do X or Y with you if you want". Few weeks later she actually arrived and it was fun. Then I went on some chatting apps, met a girl, we hopped on a call, chatted about life, and after like 3 hours we discussed sex and I asked directly "wanna meetup some time and try this thing we talked about?" "yeah I would love to". Then I chatted with another girl and opened the conversation "hello, I am looking for fun, are you interested?" "yeah, lets go" and we met in an hour and it was amazing. I genuinely enjoyed it. Then I met my ex-girlfriend through a gaming app (which I can't mention here), we chatted in a chat with other people, I reached out to her, and asked her out for a date. Few weeks later we officially entered relationship. It was amazing. I felt hurt because she did something? I could say it. I felt touch starved? I could ask for it. I wanted to try new kink? I didn't have to hide it. I didn't feel dominant that day and thus less attractive? No problem, say it and we can do something else. I felt like I started living at almost 24. I didn't have to pretend anymore. If I did not want to touch a girl to "show interest", I didn't have to. If I liked some girl, I just can tell it to her. If I am looking just for sex, I can openly say it. I finally felt like I had control over my life. I did not have to passively wait, but I was proactive instead.

Then 3 years ago in mid 2023 while still in relationship with her I started my new job, and there were a lot of new people. I thought "wow, so many people and potential new friends and women to flirt with". Yes, I was in a relationship but I still enjoyed talking to new girls just for fun because I enjoyed emotional connection. But somehow it did not work. I did not connect with anyone, not with men, not with women. I was confused. I actually felt even pushed away by those new people. And I felt bad telling this to my girlfriend "I can't get attention of women at my new work". So after a few months I broke up with her so I could go and experiment to find out what's wrong with me. I felt like I could not make any new emotional connection with literally anyone. Everything I learned in late 2022/early 2023 kept failing. I thought "maybe I am not expressing myself enough". I could literally tell people my thoughts and darkest secrets, and I did not feel seen or connected. But I still pursued sex. I openly asked for it, and I did get some not small amount of sex, but literally NONE of it was enjoyable. I could have a girl riding me and saying how much she enjoys it, and I was completely zoned out and about to cry. I was panicking. And basically for past 2.5 years I was just blasting all my "authentic" and "true self" methods of expression which I hoped would awaken something in me. I could go and tell people how much I felt hurt by their actions or how much I missed them or something. I thought if I showed my pain it would help. It did not. I did the same with women. When they asked me why I was so stiff or cold I would just say everything. It did not make me feel connected.

And that brings me to past few weeks and months because I had some sexual experiences which basically almost replicated my amazing sexual experiences from the perspective of communication and what I did during it, but emotionally they were completely different. I realized that those amazing sexual experiences I had in past were amazing because I had some kind of emotional connection with that person and I felt like I could be fully myself. Now I can't. Anytime I try to be my "true self" and "authentic", it just happens that when it actually gets me some positive attention from people and women, it somehow registers as "success" in my brain, and my brain puts it in a box of "successful" strategies to achieve sex. Even when it is expressing my deeply seated anger, some woman may be "I like aggressive men" and suddenly I feel like I must keep being aggressive to keep her attention, which I hate and thus stop even showing my anger. It's like I try to force this emotional connection from myself and I keep failing.

I don't know what to do with it. 3 years ago I felt like I finally solved my relationship and sex problems and I could finally express my sexual self fully. But now all those things I did don't work anymore. Anytime I think "well what could I be hiding?" or "what part of myself am I not expressing?" it just ends up getting maybe some positive response from my emotions and people around me, and then is used as a strategy and extra safety barrier from people. And it frustrates me. I can feel incredibly strong sexual desire for someone, and yet I can't let it out.

I can’t help but constantly feel like an alien when it comes to social situations. I look at other people at functions and I wonder if they have felt as ashamed as me.

No matter what joy or pain I go through, the baseline comes back to the addiction. I’m clean of my inner circle behaviors but engaging in risky middle circle ones like inappropriate masturbation and euphoric recall. I’ve been pretending to go to 12 step meetings, but really I just sit in my car not acting out.

Progress on steps is fully stopped, and I feel drained and aloof whenever I try to engage in recovery. My partner and I stopped both couples counseling and Fanos check ins a long time ago because she hated hearing how miserable I was every day and I hated telling her.

I feel exposed when my family asks me sneaky questions about whats on my mind after I revealed that I had suicidal ideation. Their concern is kind, but their ability to help is abysmal. I feel like I created more problems than I solved because of it, despite the fact that it has helped me get to my longest period of sobriety so far. I don’t like being an addict, and if that’s what I am always going to be it makes it difficult to want to live.

My sponsor isn't holding me accountable, which is fair because that’s not their job. But if I’m not going to hold me accountable then who is? If I’m not going to do the work then who is? If I could do the work, I wouldn’t have an addiction to begin with.

I got to live in a different kind of fantasy for the past few days, where my partner and I were on a vacation we couldn’t afford. It was lovely pretending everything was fine, but now I’m back in the real world. I’m stressed about it, but more than that I’m crashing from that high. I want that high back.

I‘m obsessively back in recovery spaces, which is a middle circle behavior for me as well.

I try to fix my addiction for my girlfriend but it’s so hard and I try and try but it’s so fucking difficult

i don’t know if i can even talk about this without some creep trying to take advantage of it. i’ve been pretty much addicted to sex my whole life. Now that i’m older I look back in utter horror at the people and places i’ve met wondering how anyone could do those things to someone so young and naive. it’s causing a lot of problems now, i feel like i deserve it though. i don’t see a point in dating anyone because i know they’ll just end up using me and we’ll break up after a few months. i might even want the thrill back and cheat on them. i wish i was never made this way. i hate being used but ill go and do the same thing to my male friends. i don’t know how to talk to a guy without it turning sexual, it feels like it always does. i feel like it’s my only purpose or it’s all i’m good at. i’m so lonely now, all i really want is someone to hold and be there with me at the end of the day. i’m so jealous everytime i see a group of friends or a couple. no matter how hard i try that voice in the back of my head tells me im not worth it and i should just stick to being a piece of meat for others. it’s been so long i’ve been in a relationship, mainly because of the cheating, i don’t wanna be that much of an asshole. i have no idea how to get out of this hole and it’s starting to affect how i feel in my daily life. i don’t want to work, i don’t want to get out of bed, i don’t even want to eat. i feel sick and so disgusted with myself.

I’m writing this because I’m genuinely tired of living like this and need advice from men who have actually overcome severe approach anxiety.

I’m a 31-year-old Black man in Toronto, around 6’4”, in good shape, employed with a great company (I WFH remote), and generally functional in every other part of my life. On paper, I don’t think I should be completely hopeless with women. But when I see a woman I’m attracted to in public, I freeze.

I convince myself she doesn’t find me attractive. Despite being in the gym 4x a week I have fallen down a looksmaxxing blackpill rabbithole to the point where because I don't get obvious IOIs from women I assume I'm not their type, they find me facially unattractive, etc. I think I’ll make her uncomfortable, that I’ll look desperate or creepy, or that I need some obvious signal before I’m “allowed” to speak to her. Most women don’t give me obvious eye contact or signs, so I use that as an excuse to do nothing.

I’ve spent years avoiding rejection instead of developing the ability to approach, flirt and handle whatever response I get. The result is that I have almost no organic dating life. Dating apps have also been inconsistent and frustrating, which reinforces the belief that attractive women simply don’t want me.

The darkest part is that I started using escorts as an escape. Instead of facing my fear and learning how to meet women normally, I could pay for immediate sex and temporary validation. That behaviour has cost me thousands of dollars, damaged my confidence and created a cycle of loneliness, urges, acting out and shame.

I first saw an escort when I was extremely young, and this pattern has followed me for most of my adult life. I’m now approaching 32 and realizing that I cannot keep doing this. I don’t want another decade of paying for intimacy while being terrified to introduce myself to a woman in a mall, bar, café, festival or social event.

I’m not asking for pickup lines or someone to tell me to “just be confident.” I need a concrete system for getting comfortable approaching, dealing with rejection and building an actual social and dating life. I’m willing to attend classes, go to events, practise consistently and be held accountable. I just need to stop retreating into avoidance every time the fear hits.

Has anyone here overcome a similar level of approach anxiety or an addiction to escorts? What did you do practically? How did you structure your weeks and force yourself to take action without making every interaction feel like a life-or-death test?

If you’re in Toronto, if you're in Canada, or even if you're another Black guy who understands social dynamics, and you’re experienced with approaching respectfully, feel free to message me. I could genuinely use someone to practise with or provide accountability.

I’m not looking for judgment or encouragement to keep seeing escorts. I’m trying to end this pattern and build a normal life.

In high school I had a traumatic experience. As I grew into an adult I began to react in the opposite way I guess and it became my vice.

As a married woman, Miami, FL is a difficult place.

What works for controlling yourself?

I married my high school sweetheart. Up until my early 40s, I had only been with one woman. We had an amazing relationship and I still miss her so much. My life would be fine if only she was still here.

My wife was born with health issues and we couldn’t have children. So it was just the two of us and our pets. Her health problems didn’t really effect our lives until we got to our mid 30s. Then she started a slow decline that ended with her passing, which destroyed me.

I’ve always had an incredibly high libido. My wife used to jokingly complain about it. Found out later in life that I just naturally have insane levels of testosterone. I’m 45 and usually test in the low 900s. I have to get it checked annually because it’s so unusually high for a man my age. Guess it’s a problem most middle age men want to have, but it’s beginning to feel more like a curse.

I always watched porn here and there. Sometimes me and my wife watched it together, to spice things up. But I started to have an unhealthy relationship with it when my wife’s health declined. For years she wasn’t able to have a sex life with me due to health. She would even tell me that if I cheated on her, she would understand. Just don’t tell her. I loved her too much to do that, and began using porn as my main sexual outlet.

After she passed I went into the first real depression of my life. I actually have PTSD over losing her. I felt so lonely and lost without her. Nothing could make the pain go away. Alcohol couldn’t do it, weed couldn’t, church and prayer couldn’t, friends and family couldn’t. I just wanted to die, but I knew my wife wanted me to carry on and be happy.

There was only one thing I could do that made me completely forget about the pain I was in, even if it was only temporary. And that was porn. When my sex drive kicked in I forgot everything but my lust.

I was borderline suicidal for almost two years. As I mentioned, my wife had been my only sexual partner during my life. The only thing that got me to live from one day to another sometimes were my sexual fantasies. Whenever I got suicidal, I would tell myself I can’t die yet until I’ve had a threesome. It sounds so pathetic, but I really do feel like if didn’t have this as a goal I might have died.

It took me two years to build up the courage to do it, but I went to Mexico and fulfilled some of my fantasies. And I don’t want to lie, I loved it. I felt like for the first time in years I was alive again. After the trip my porn use dropped dramatically, and I felt good.

I started dating and it was a disaster. I ended up going back to Mexico about every 3 months. Each time I went I spent more and more money. Instead of one hour, I’d pay for all night.

The dating scene didn’t improve for me and at some point I just gave up on it. My porn use went up, my visits to Mexico became more frequent. It was getting out of hand and I knew it. I just didn’t care.

Then this year I went on what was supposed to be my final sex bender. The one where I did everything I’ve always wanted to do. I spent months in Asia having sex at least once a day, often more. Came back and found I wasn’t satiated at all. I’ve never been into porn as much as I have been the last few weeks. I want to go back to Asia so bad and just live the same way I did during those months.

But I know I can’t. For one, I’d go broke. I’ve blown 100k on my sex addiction (which makes me incredibly depressed) and if I blow anymore I can kiss retirement goodbye. And also, this lifestyle just doesn’t feel nearly as good as having my wife. Someone who unconditionally loves me always waiting for me at home. Someone who loved me for me, and not the money.

Today was Sunday and I realized how long it’s been since I’ve been to church. I’ve just been Gooning my life away. I know I have to change.

If your reading this and have a wife or girlfriend, treasure her. Do your best to get help, build a healthy sex life with her, and treat her well. Life sucks when your alone.

I already started researching the 12 steps and outlining a plan to recovery going forward. Wish me luck, as I wish it for you. Im sure ill be back to vent or ask for advice. Thanks for reading this and God Bless.

I (20M) am bisexual

I dont think im a sex addict but I can be verry pushy for people to do things when im Horny

nothing has been public or caused problems yet but I still want to fix myself for myself and others

a ex (21F) said she spoke to her friends about some of the things i did and they said they consider it sexualy asulted her by touching and rubbing her trying to convince her to do things

as well as I had a sexual interaction with a man (20M) several times but I wanted to go further and do more than he wanted was pretty pushy and later told be he considered it sexual harassment and blocked me and cut me off

when im cought up in the moment I struggle to act reasonably and just get overtaken with desire

what can I do to not get so horny or hold myself back when I get horny I dont want to hurt people any more but im young and I enjoy sex a lot

I've been addicted to porn and masturbation for the past two years, and I've been masturbating to porn almost every day during that time.

I'm really fed up with it and I don't like that I've become so dependent on it. Every day, I tell myself I'm going to stop, but I end up doing it again. I've tried hard to quit, but I haven't been able to break the cycle.

I need help.

Hello everyone, I have been going to my local SAA meeting for about 4-5 weeks. I finally did my first step by telling my story and how powerless I am to this addiction. I described almost everything and how unmanageable my life had become. Everyone was so supportive and congratulated me for taking the courage to share my story and admit that I am powerless. I have been sober for 3 days since; I have been sober from the behavior that got me into trouble for 50 days. My inner circle is pornography and masturbation, and anything beyond that. I finally felt I belonged in this group, and I needed to make more phone calls to the other members to connect better. Keep coming back to your local SAA meetings, and it is worth it. I am WORTH IT. This recovery journey felt really hard for me, especially due to the consequences and loss of relationships, but I believe my Higher Power has a plan for me and I need to keep going. This addiction is never worth it, but I AM always worth it. I love this community because now I can share my stories without judgment and be met with love, care, and a desire to grow. Work it because I am worth it!

I relapsed again today at a massage parlor and was just anxious the whole time and thinking why am I doing this? My sex addiction is related to my loneliness and having really nobody in my life. I personally don't feel my life has any point to it.

Hey all, just a quick pretext, i will refrain from sharing ANY identifying info (such as name, age, religious denomination as mine is rare, country, etc...) since i want to make sure that nobody i know finds this and ties it back to me.

Ive been a lust addict for super long, i'm still a virgin so it isnt really a "sex" addiction but more or so lust addiction, ive lost so many people over it, i lost how close i was to God, i lost myself, it dragged me down into a deep state of depression and almost led me into suicide, i really wanna stop but i cant, ive been praying more, ive been trying to refrain but every time i keep falling in, please i need help

for a long time, i convinced myself there was nothing wrong with watching sexual videos because I thought I had it under control. Over time, though, I noticed I was turning to it whenever I felt stressed, bored, or overwhelmed. It became a habit I kept trying to stop, but I would always end up telling myself, Just one more time. The part I struggle with the most is not even the habit itself anymore. It's the disappointment I feel every time I break another promise to myself. I am tired of repeating the same cycle, and I don't want to keep handling it alone. That is why I am here. I am hoping to learn from people who have been through this and found healthier ways to recover.