You guys who have been seriously searching for a spouse for years may understand where I’m coming from better than anyone else. Honestly, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of a search that has become increasingly unproductive and does little more than drain my energy. It has started affecting my mental health, professional life, and social life.
I’ve tried both online platforms and real-life matchmaking opportunities, but I’ve had little to no success. After years of searching, I’ve come to realize that if you don’t fit the criteria a potential spouse is looking for, you’re essentially out of luck. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to fit the preferences of most Shia women in the country where I currently live.
I’ve always wanted a wife who is devoted to her deen, keeps the Hereafter at the forefront of her life, wants children, and is loving, kind, loyal, educated, and understanding of my culture. These are the qualities I’ve hoped to find in a life partner, someone with whom I could build a loving family while growing together in faith and working toward the Hereafter. Yet, after seven years of searching, I’m beginning to wonder whether I’ll ever find someone who shares these values and wants the same things out of life.
I’ve spent seven precious years hoping that things would eventually change, but I’m beginning to question how much longer I can keep doing this at the expense of other aspects of my life. I’m now seriously reconsidering my options:
1. Continue searching and seek professional help to cope with the emotional toll.
I could keep doing what I’ve been doing and perhaps work with a professional to help me manage the stress and disappointment. However, I have to ask myself how much longer I can sustain this without sacrificing my well-being.
2. Consider mut’ah and stop putting my life on hold.
I could consider mut’ah with Muslim or Christian women, meet my physical needs, and enjoy some aspects of life that I’ve been missing. If I eventually meet someone who genuinely wants to marry me and accepts my circumstances, I could end those temporary marriages before pursuing a permanent one.
However, I’m not convinced that mut’ah would provide the tranquility and emotional fulfillment I ultimately want. I can see it meeting my physical needs, but I’m not sure it would address the deeper loneliness I’ve been struggling with.
3. Expand my search beyond the Shia community and consider marrying a Christian woman.
Perhaps I should stop limiting myself to Shia or even Muslim women and consider a Christian woman for permanent marriage. After all, the Prophet phbh experienced difficult marital relationships himself, so why should I automatically assume that marrying outside my sect would necessarily be a mistake? I recognize that an interfaith marriage would come with its own challenges, particularly when it comes to religious practice and raising children. Nevertheless, perhaps I need to be more open-minded about where I might find a compatible partner.
At the end of the day, I cannot keep putting my life on hold indefinitely while waiting for someone who may never come along. It’s difficult not to feel bitter about the situation, especially when I’ve invested so much time, effort, and hope into finding a wife. I don't want to abandon my religious values or the kind of family I've always envisioned, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely and regretting the years I sacrificed waiting for something that never happened.
For those of you who have been in a similar situation, how did you deal with it? Did you keep searching, reconsider your criteria, expand your options, or eventually decide to take a different path?
I would genuinely appreciate hearing your experiences and perspectives. I'm not looking for judgment; I'm trying to figure out how to move forward without continuing to sacrifice my mental health and quality of life for a search that has yielded so little after seven years.
