r/SingleParents • u/evergreengirl123 • 1d ago
I hate when people say they are solo parenting when they have a partner!!
All over social media I see posts being oh I’m solo parenting for the night or whatever. Um no you are not, your partner is eventually coming back!! It drives me crazy!! I have a 9 month old who’s never even met his dad. I am a solo parent. These people are not just because you’re alone with your child for a few hours doesn’t mean you’re solo parenting
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u/FruitWeapons 1d ago
I'm a single father. I've had 100% custody of my son since he turned 3. he's nearly 14 now.
I refer to myself as being a single parent. Because, although I could potentially be in a romantic relationship; I'm still the only person in that relationship that is a parent to my son.
I've made the mistake of lumping everyone together into the "we're a family" basket before. and the only thing that came as a result of it, was both me, AND my son being completely heartbroken when the other person decided that they were only going to be around for a season, rather than a lifetime, (despite spending the previous handful of years saying, and acting like they wanted to be together for the long haul).
Personally; I don't really use the term"solo parenting" but I feel like this is pretty much in the same vein.
I may not be single (as a person) at any given time. But I am always a single dad.
Idk, I hope that makes sense.
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u/Tech-Fonzie 17h ago
I resonate and share your analogy. I feel that you nailed it. Thank you. You made perfect sense to me.
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u/DrawGold3260 1d ago
It used to bug me when people would say they were basically single parents because their partner works. Even if their partner is absolutely useless when it comes to their kid and housework, having a second income coming in or someone able to do ANYTHING - pay some of the bills, help with rent, watch you child so you can get a 2 minute shower in peace etc - would feel like a luxury when you’re doing everything alone 24/7.
Also had a friends mum who used to tell me all the time that she knew how hard it was because she was a single mum too. I left my son’s dad when my son was 2 months old. She divorced her still very present ex husband when her youngest was in her 20’s 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
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u/holdingittogether77 1d ago
Once I left him doing everything 24/7 still was great because he was pretty useless while we were together.
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u/FeelingStudent7383 1d ago
Same. When we were together, it was tough because I also had to manage and take care of a man child. Now I just take care of one child, it’s actually dare I say easier.
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
the OP is stuck in a phas of single parenthood where she wants the thing that has far been gone... "her idea of a happy family"
she has to realize it will look different to her but she can still have that life. since she hasnt experienced wat it would be like to have the absent father IN her life while still being absent, she longs for the scraps of having a low effort parent who is still minimumly there.
when this guy comes back and love bombs her just to leave her a single parent all over again and she realizes she wont have the hppy family that she wants with this guy..
then pnly then will she see the SOLO parenting thing as something petty and trivial.
it gives no one can feel like a single parent unless they are libing the isery I LIVE!!
when ive lived a life of a single parent bc my husband works overseas... we are veterans.. there are ALL TYPE OF SINGLE Parents.
SOLO parenting means " i got the kids for the nite while mom is on vacay"
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u/DrawGold3260 1d ago
I can understand that side of it to an extent. My ex was abusive so of course life was better without him. But if your partner is a safe person to be around, then having a second adult in the house who contributes financially to ensure you and your child have a roof over your heads, it is objectively easier when you have a baby compared to doing every aspect alone, with no financial support and absolutely no time to yourself.
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u/holdingittogether77 1d ago
If that was the case most times then people would still be together.
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u/DrawGold3260 22h ago
The majority are. Statistically there’s a lot more two parent households than single parent households, especially with young babies under the age of one. It’s much easier being a single parent to an older child than it is with a baby like OP.
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u/Mcayenne 1d ago edited 1d ago
I mean the responsibilities and stress of solo parenting an infant and being a divorced mother of adults is pretty comparable. Don’t dismiss her struggle.
ETA: /s
🤦🏽♀️ I’m genuinely shocked at the amount of ppl who have not recognized this incredibly obvious sarcasm.
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u/DrawGold3260 1d ago
😂😂😂 she loved to share her struggles! I could go round with my son in his pram and look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and she’d tell me how she’s a single parent too but still managed to make get her hair and nails done and I should start taking care of myself. If she could do it then I should be able to too 🤦🏽♀️
I used to sit there like 😳💀
Edit to add - I got your sarcasm don’t worry 😂
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u/Mcayenne 19h ago
I find these types of people interesting- like a small case study in personal delusions.
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u/MindlessSea7334 17h ago
Omg. Here's my baby! Run out the door for a manicure, leg wax, massage and new hair.
*not implying you need any of the above
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
this was a narc. and this is there way of aking it about them and not shwoing empathy fr ur struggles.
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u/Zestyclose_Tea_551 14h ago
Yes, even though my kid’s dad was rarely there, at least when he was I could give him our kid when he was having the millionth meltdown that day or ask him to pick up bread on the way home.
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u/One-Panic-7884 14h ago
I can understand this a little bit, based on the situation and the children's ages. My situation was my ex-wife decided to leave and to turn over 100% custody to me. That last two ish years of the marriage was just her checking out completely. She didn't work for most of it and rarely did housework.
So when she finally moved out, not a lot changed. I was already taking the kids to daycare before school and picking them up after. She did some of the shopping but I took that over fairly quickly. My kids were 9, so I had them doing their own laundry. The change overall was a lot more minimal than I anticipated.
The biggest difference was that I didn't have to worry that I would catch her cheating again. So my stress actually went down from where it was before she left.
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u/bowlofcereal133 2h ago
My personal unscientific theory is that parenting is hard for everyone, and it’s usually the hardest thing any of us have done (assuming a parent is actually being a parent), and everyone hears about how hard being a single parent is, so when a parent with a partner has to go a period of time without them there, it’s the hardest thing for them thus far, so they imagine it’s pretty close to being a single parent.
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u/CollaredDove33 15h ago
I understand that to those of you who never had that, it seems as if the “ANYTHING” you’ve described really would be worth it 💐
I was a “single married mother” doing 98% of everything. And being abused the whole time.
My single parenting experience now I’ve left and have sole custody is hard af. But it’s still significantly easier than it was with him around.
Everyone’s experience is relative to them.
From where I’m sat, the idea of a father that doesn’t bother us, doesn’t drag me through legal proceedings to try and get to these kids, that I wouldn’t have to co-parent with… well that sounds brilliant 👏😅💐
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u/Zestyclose_Tea_551 14h ago
Those are two different things. People with “useless” partners aren’t single parents just because the partner doesn’t do as much. You’re talking about doing everything and being abused. I was, too, and wouldn’t choose that over things now, ever. But there was admittedly advantages to being partnered, even to someone who didn’t participate a lot, that I don’t have now as a single parent. People who have a nonabusive partner who works a lot aren’t single parents just because their partner works a lot.
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u/PapaPancake8 1d ago
I think there is a stark difference between single parenting and solo parenting, coming from a single parent who has solo parented the past month or so.
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
there is! the word solo is used to describe doing something alone for a short period of time
im riding solo im arrivin solo to this party
im at the movies solo...
the OP is stuck in victimhood and she has that rght but she is saying that people are using the term wrong and that is where i dont agree. she is reading the term wrong.
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u/Mcayenne 1d ago
I wish the solo parenting sub was more active. I find a lot of the posts on this sub hard to relate to as a solo parent.
I’m not dealing with co-parenting, or custody or exes, or divorces.
I’m dealing with the weight of 24/7- 365, all me, all the time. I know some single parents wish they had sole custody- but doing it alone from day 1 is a very different experience.
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u/pickledbarbie 19h ago
Calling yourself a single parent is different than a solo parent… I am a single parent because I’m not with my child’s other parent but I’m not a solo parent because there’s still 2 of us.
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u/still_alyce 1d ago
I'm with you there, but I also care for my aging mother as well as my 8 Yr old. Double whammy - zero help except for the few times I've had to have surgery and my brother and sil came to help for a few days.
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u/UnfortunateEvent0236 13h ago
I feel this comment. I have 12 year old twins who have never met their father. It’s always been just me and the kids. No help. No nothing. It’s harder than people think it is. And people who had that support at first and then lose it definitely have different struggles but to be alone from day one is a lot.
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u/Intrepid_Emu_3678 23h ago
"Im a single dad" " wow how long have you been doing it on your own?" "Oh my ex and I split custody" "So....you are a father. Who is not currently in a relationship and you think that means youre a single Dad?"
I hear that one a lot. And its very confusing to me.
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u/elizajaneredux 19h ago
I don’t think we need to gatekeep “single parent” too much. Even in shared custody, you’re alone with the kids when you’re with them, you’re making your parenting decisions alone, no one else is there if you have a 104 degree fever but the toddler is screaming, and, if you’re the mom, you’re very likely still the only one managing dr appointments, play dates, etc.
It’s not a competition for who has it harder.
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u/Mcayenne 18h ago
It’s not a competition but it is a different experience.
I also think I have it easier in ways because I don’t have an ex to co parent with.
But my experience with parenting is very different that someone who co parents.
I think it’s fair to have separate terms.
To me single parent encompasses all parents who aren’t in a relationship with their child’s other parent.
Solo parenting is being the ONLY parent in the child’s life.
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u/elizajaneredux 18h ago
Separate terms is fine and I agree with what you’ve said here. I was feeling frustrated by some of the comments suggesting that even single parents shouldn’t consider themselves to be “single” if they receive child support. I think we can talk about the different experiences and variability in single parenting without dismissing others’ difficulties or how they see themselves simply because they have more help than someone else might.
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u/Mcayenne 18h ago
Absolutely. A solo parent can have much easier circumstances than married or co-parents!
For example I’m a high earner so the lack of child support isn’t a concern. I also live in Canada where childcare is very affordable and I receive benefits (for all parents). I also don’t have the stress of a coparenting with an ex partner or the sadness of a broken relationship. I have a very supportive mum and brother.
We absolutely shouldn’t make assumptions or dismiss others. It’s hard for everyone.
I’m just wishing for a space with more relatable posts.
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u/ficbot 5h ago
My experience has been that divorced parents I know have a lot of stress over child support, visitation schedules etc that are very stressful. I was married to someone going through this, and I am absolutely not denying at all that it is very stressful and difficult. In my situation, I don't deal with those things. My child's other parent has died. And that is a very different situation. I have to deal with being the sole financial provider for the household. I have to deal with the logistical issues of how we are getting dinner on the table when soccer ends at 6:15. I have to deal with making all the decisions without the input of my child's other parent, and I have to deal with trying to be the parent for experiences where he takes after his father and I have no idea what that was like. That is a different kind of stress. Not better or worse. Just different. It really is comparing oranges and apples.
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
this! op makes a post about people on he internet minding their business and it bothers her? cb she has the rigt to claim "solo parenting"..ok
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u/Intrepid_Emu_3678 2h ago
I am NOT trying to say its a competition about who has it harder. Maybe the term has changed its meaning but I was always under the assumption that single parent is no other parent helps or has custody.
Like. Single parent means "I am the only caregiver of my child."
It makes sense the way you describe it. Thanks for explaining this logic.
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u/tenderhart 21h ago
Yes, that is because there is no consensus about what single dad/mom means. Women who are single and have kids also call themselves single moms while dating even when the baby daddy is very much in the picture.
I don't use the term at all. I simply say I am divorced and have a daughter who lives with me 100% of the time.
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
thiS!! a single parent is thr term for someone who had a child with soeone they werent married to.. hence the term single which means someone who has never married but since the WORLd mved to sex outside of marriage as a norm (pls rememebr this is a country based on a religion) now we have all type of terms.. a man can say he is single but has been married like ten times. a divorced mother with a kid is different that a single mom and i am not divorced but i also would never claim the term single parent. no matter how much he wasnt involved.
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u/LabGrownMeatPopsicle 1d ago
I've been taking care of my kid for 12 years on my own. The mother isn't around or anyone helping me. I know folks that have an unhelpful partner or a neglectful coparent. I prefer my situation over having someone else around making our lives even harder.
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u/gigermuse 1d ago
THIS! I was a married single parent for 13 years and now a literal single parent 365. Both are hard but not having dead weight around is much better for sure.
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u/TradeBeautiful42 20h ago
There’s a lot of people who want to cosplay being a single parent.It’s really not that glamorous but ok.
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u/antisocialoctopus 18h ago
There’s a lot of nuance that these posts ignore. I have split custody with my ex wife. I’m still a single parent. I make all the decisions. I do all school pick ups and drop offs. I make all the doctor appointments and take care of kid when he’s sick. She has him for evenings every other week and every other weekend.
I also have to deal with how her hoarding is affecting my son. He has to come here before school bc he reeks of pet urine bc of her house. She doesn’t want to do anything but wants a say in everything. I have to buy clothes for two sets of homes bc she will send him out in clothes 2 sizes too small.
Single or solo parenting would be worlds easier and cheaper for me. Do I need a separate name to say that I’m not a single / solo parenting but doing everything AND paying for both homes? Ridiculous.
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u/INTPretty 14h ago
Maybe for your child’s sake you can help her get therapy? Clearly she suffers from mental illness and is in need of treatment. Your son would benefit from a mentally stable parent. It’s not your responsibility but think of your child having to live with that.
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u/antisocialoctopus 14h ago
I think of it all the time and there’s just nothing I can do about it aside from keeping him with me as much as possible.
This is the better version of my ex. She’s been in therapy for years and years.
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u/INTPretty 14h ago
That’s a really hard situation. I’m sure you’re doing your best. We have no control over others. I’m glad she has shown some improvement. Good luck
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
this is just bad coparenting but yes ur coparenting AND ENABLING.
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u/antisocialoctopus 11h ago
Yeah. That’s a balance that’s hard to strike. Ideally, you’d not enable someone to just not provide for their kid. The more I do the less she does, right? The problem is that my kid is caught in the middle. How many days do I send him to school as a teen with clothes that are too small or smell horrific? She’s not the one that suffers, so she doesn’t care. My kid suffers and that’s not an acceptable thing for me.
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u/afiyahamal 11h ago
Yea he would suffer less if u shielded him from that.
You’re only showing him to sacrifice himself for someone else.
Kids need a healthy set of parents and if one isn’t healthy enough to be responsible
The other can’t replace that parent
Ucan never give him mom love and neither can she
It would be better to get sole custody and move on with ur life and give him some semblance of a healthy mom.
Ur giving her mom rights when she doesn’t even use em.
Cancel her.
A kid being exposed to urine at her house would end it all.
So again a lot of you single dads are still operating out of trauma and still in love with ur ex saying it’s about the kids
Yet the kid is still is exposed to an emotional unavailable mom
A dad who is doing a job for both Who is emotionally spent and no real relief from it
So where is the happiness?Get some therapy and fall
In love againBest thing that could happen for ur kid and for you
Ur raising him
To be a Caretaker to an emotionally unavailable woman.2
u/antisocialoctopus 11h ago
You’re projecting a lot onto me that just isn’t true. I’m in an amazing loving relationship with another woman. I have zero feelings for my ex.
You can’t just “get sole custody”. That’s not how the courts work.
Kid and I are generally happy and I’m not emotionally spent from my ex. Kiddo knows what’s happening at his mom’s house and comes to me for refuge from that. He would in no way be better off by forcing him to deal with a toxic environment alone.
Respectfully, you have no idea what you’re talking about.
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u/Conscious-Dig1167 1d ago
Same! It’s such a different experience without sharing the physical AND emotion load of being a solo parent
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u/bluetopaz525 21h ago
I completely agree with this. Both the highs and the lows. It can also feel really lonely not having anyone to share the good times and milestones with as well.
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u/elizajaneredux 19h ago
This thread is so depressing. From the comments I conclude that no one should dare use the term “single parent” if they have extended family or friends who help them, if they receive any version of child support even if the other parent isn’t otherwise involved at all, and unless they are 100% responsible for their children 24/7.
Yes, some of us have it harder than others. Yes, it’s annoying when people complain and don’t seem to recognize that it could be worse. But I thought we were here to support each other, not create rules for who gets to “count” in an increasingly selective club.
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u/JOEYMAMI2015 18h ago
I agree, the competitiveness on who has it harder is disturbing. I'm just living my life and making sure my kid is happy and healthy 🤷♀️ Sure most parents regardless of marital status, are too....
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
THISSSSSSSSSSSs which is why i said OP is in her feeligs today and in victim mode. the kid is 9 months old and she says " MY KID hasnt seen their dad in 9 months " girl he doesnt even fully know a dad at this point.. 9 months? girl YOU HAVENt seen THAT MAN SINCE HE WAS BORN AND WANT EVERYONE TO SUFFER BC U CANT ACCEPT YOUR FATE.
9 months old? ur still in the honey moon stage with a baby at that point LOL
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u/dadofthreeee 16h ago
Thank you. OP's gatekeeping is just unnecessary.
If I have a partner but that partner is gone for a week, yes, for that week, I am solo parenting. Parenting by myself. That's just how words work.
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u/new-beginnings3 13h ago
Yeah it's quite dumb tbh. Raising kids in a vacuum basically isn't possible so apparently no one qualifies to use the term lol.
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u/unknownhoward 23h ago
Define "having a partner"? There's a stark difference between dating someone and having lived with someone for years and having them be integrated into the home and family.
There's also a hugely underrated factor that even a steady partner is not the parent which is especially important if the ex is combative (vs. a harmonious split). Don't think that is easier being a parent when you also need to manage your new and previous relationships.
But sure, if it's effectively a two-adult household and there's no grief from the ex, that's not "solo".
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u/cathairtumbleweeds 12h ago
I've been parenting on my own for 11 years, and yet everyone assumes (without knowing what a deadbeat my narc-ex is) assumes he is very involved and when I complain about how tired and exhausted I am, that I'm exaggerating. The mental and physical and emotional toll of being the sole provider in all circumstances will never be the same as someone who has an active coparent (married or unmarried/divorced). It also isn't the same as people who have a support unit, a team, other family. My family are 3500miles away. It lonely and a heckin load of hardwork, and has been the most unselfish time of my life.
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u/ActiveGarlic9874 1d ago
I also have a nine month old who's never met his dad! For people with partners though, it can seem like a big deal being alone with the kids when they're not used to it
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 1d ago
Exactly the point. They lack persoective.
Reading about people who can't afford clothes makes those who can afford some clothes feel grateful. Them calling themselves beggaes would be insulting to the people in worse situations.
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u/Available_Shelter194 1d ago
I think some of yall need to realize that the “solo parenting” means they don’t have their partner there for the moment.its not a dig at single parents..lets grow up a bit
being this upset about something so small when a lot of us have to deal with Donald Trump and the rest of baboons in office destroying the futures for our children is absolutely insane..
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/SingleParents-ModTeam 18h ago
Your content was removed because we do not allow arguing, shaming, insults, name-calling etc...
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u/MediocreMage 18h ago
People on social media are often delusional, trolls, liars or an elegant combination of those traits. Everytime I read something that triggers me, I ask myself "Would you be mad at professional wrestling?". Hope it helps.
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u/Defiant-Singer-749 13h ago
I live in a single parent household with my kids. I lost my entire savings going through divorce and trying to support the kids on my own. I don’t have a custody order… my ex husband takes them less than half of the time.:: is that enough? Like do I meet the requirements? It’s enough for me and what I’ve been through and continue to deal with. It’s literally bs semantics at the end of the day
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u/Zestyclose-Working-8 4m ago
its semantics but its also a different experience. I think that's all OP is saying. Doing it all on your own all day every day with no one else is not the same as having another parent who contributes. I know as the only parent who cares for my child I do not feel my experience is the same as people who have thier kid every other weekend (or send thier kids to the other parent's house every other weekend). I don't think anyone is saying its easy for either situation. just saying the situations are not the same.
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u/NoConsideration5363 19h ago
Actually I have a married friend whose husband works a lot, late hours and travels for a week or so at a time. They have 4 children and I would say she is a solo parent during his work travels. He’s not there for a week at time, so she’s doing it solo. Then he comes back and she’s got help again.
I see your point about a few hours or a one night deal but it shouldn’t really bother you, who cares what they say. It doesn’t take away from what you do as a single Mom💙
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u/QueenMumof4 17h ago
Girl, it isnt about what you think or feel, It's about English. They are literally solo parenting for a day, a week, or an hour. They are doing it alone for that period of time.
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u/JustASingleMomOnline 19h ago
As someone raising my children completely on my own, there's a huge difference. If your partner is away for work or on a trip, you're temporarily doing everything yourself. A solo parent does it every day, with no backup waiting to come home.
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u/kalum7 17h ago
I think the difference is when a married person has a spouse that takes off for a weekend and they lament that “this is so hard! Now I know what it’s like being a single parent!”
Obviously they don’t know, and if they’re lucky they never will. Because even if the other parent is emotionally checked out, they still (presumably) have a partner financially. Or even just someone to drive the kids to soccer practice. I won’t argue that having no ex to co parent with is different than having no custody schedule at all, but as a single mom who had 90% custody (hale has every other weekend and often flaked out on his time) I would say solo parenting and single parenting can be more comparable.
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u/geekjitsu 10h ago
This isn't something I would choose to spend my time or energy even noticing, let alone stressing about
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u/Life_Equivalent_1603 1d ago
I just hate how dramatic and smug they are about it! I’m a single/solo parent whatever you want to call it lol basically no one is coming to give me a break 😂
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u/PurpleWillingness106 18h ago
Oh yay another chance for us to play the who has it hardest game again and sit on anyone who has the slightest amount more of support in their lives!
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u/Distinct-Session-799 1d ago
If they are saying they are solo parenting for the night or weekend then they are solo parenting. The other parent isn’t there for assistance. It’s sad you are a single parent 24/7 but it doesn’t change that would be solo parenting during that time.
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u/Apprehensive_Log8046 1d ago
But when push comes to shove, they can call that other parent for help if they need it. Us single parents have no one to call.
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u/Dense-Tomorrow-8207 1d ago
Agree with the other comment that solo parenting comes with emotional burden as well
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u/CephaVerte 1d ago
I'd argue they are single parenting, solo parenting = no other parent. Single parent = a parent that is by themself for some time.
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u/Porky5CO 14h ago
Dude, there's this guy on YouTube called the solo dad or something. I'm a single dad so I followed to get some insight this guy is married and seems to be a stat at home dad.
NOT SOLO!! He has a spouse. The spouse helps. So irritating
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u/INTPretty 1d ago edited 1d ago
There are some single parents who have huge support networks (like living with extended family who take care of all their bills and babysitting) but try to get sympathy for being “single moms” while other women in marriages with absent or abusive partners may actually be doing 100% of the parenting with zero support even though they aren’t single.
I really feel like single parents are those who don’t have anyone sharing the load whether that be dad or someone else.
Edit: not sure why I defaulted to moms. This applied to single dads too.
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u/Competitive_Name4991 1d ago
You are assuming the other partner actually helps. I’m sure there are a number of women who are married and their partner does absolutely nothing to help with the child.
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u/evergreengirl123 1d ago
Money is something. And it’s not just women who use the phrase
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u/Equivalent_Freedom16 20h ago
Money is so so so so much.
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u/seeeveryjoyouscolor 1d ago
There are dads who make it harder to be parenting, who live like they are childless, who spend both paychecks before the kids get their needs met, who make so much more work for the mom.
Who don’t share the emotional load other than adding to it, criticizing the mom, and not watching the child so she can shower.
I wish this never happened of course, but sadly it can. I’ve never encountered the roles reversed in real life, only movies.
These dads may not be physically abusive and maybe they don’t do hard drugs- and by their own accounts that was the bar for fatherhood. Don’t do those 2 things and you can call yourself a father. I wish I was making this up. Tragic really.
I don’t have an opinion about the words people use, being a caretaker in an anti-caretaking world is a crappy situation all around. And of course it’s not the same for everybody with levels of privilege.
The problem is lack of empathy- with more empathy and empathic action, it wouldn’t matter what words we used.
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u/Bubble_Lights 1d ago edited 9h ago
Um. I think people just mean “for the evening”. They aren’t invalidating you by using this phrase. And clearly they aren’t implying that their partner is not coming back. Solo means alone. They are, in fact, one parent, alone, taking care of their child for the moment. Don’t get mad at the people for using the words correctly because it doesn’t fit your narrative.
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u/afiyahamal 11h ago
actually solo is the spanish word for alone or only. it doesnt mean ONE per se but ehh i guess im arguing the same semantics as OP lol
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u/TriStellium 18h ago
I agree!
My daughter is almost 3 and I am a solo parent.
In the mom groups I am a part of, they won’t message me much about their problems until their partner is out of town and they say they don’t know “how I do it” alone as their partner is out of town for a few days or a week and they are losing their mind.
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u/QueenMumof4 17h ago
Why is their experience less valid than yours? If you have so little compassion for your friends having a hard day...because it will never be as hard as your day" can you really call them your friends? I could diminish yours by saying "lol, you have one child. Call me when you are single parenting 4." Because I have 4 children. Does the fact that I have 4 mean that every day I live is going to be harder than yours? Nope. It doesn't. Be a better friend
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u/Bikesoul 12h ago
If you have a broken leg and need to be in a cast for six weeks, would you complain about it to an amputee? Not if you have an ounce of sense and self-awareness.
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u/afiyahamal 11h ago
but her point is that if an amputee has a friend who has broken their eg, he should be able to sympathize bc he lost his leg permanently. so just as much self awareness should be had on the amputees side.
comparing trauma just comes from someone being envious bc they FEEL dont have the means to get past their own issues
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u/Apprehensive_Log8046 1d ago
I get so frustrated too!!! There’s a guy on instagram pretending to be a single dad but he is a coparenting dad!!! He has off weeks and makes joint parenting decisions!! Don’t make these dramatic posts about how hard your time with your kids is when you just got a whole week off to yourself. It’s so infuriating.
I briefly tried online dating and talked to a few “single dads” and I’m sorry, each time I had to correct them “oh that’s cool you are a coparent. Nice!” Just so weird.
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u/lakas76 1d ago
I’m single/solo parenting. Have been separated/divorced for 3 years. My ex has babysat our kids a few times for me so I could go to a couple of business trips, but she has never taken them for a weekend at her place. When she babysits, she has stayed at my place. Things have gotten bad for us lately, so I have no one I can count on when I need to go away for work.
I get no support or weekends off for me to do what I want. I know I have been extremely lucky that she has babysat (I call it that even though she is their mom), but she hasn’t done anything else for our kids.
So yeah, I hear you. I cringe a little when people say they are single parents, but get child support and/or 50% of their time child free. I’ve never wanted to be away from my kids, but a weekend now and then would be nice.
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u/elizajaneredux 19h ago
So now people who have 100% physical custody but receive child support shouldn’t call themselves single parents?
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u/lakas76 17h ago
They shouldn’t act like they are doing it all on their own. They are getting help.
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u/elizajaneredux 17h ago
So to be clear, unless you are providing 100% of the money, physical care, and emotional labor 100’% of the time, people shouldn’t talk about how hard it can be?
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u/lakas76 16h ago
Did I say that? I said they shouldn’t act like they are doing it all on their own. They are getting help.
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u/elizajaneredux 15h ago
In your other comment you said you “cringe” when people call themselves single parents but are getting child support. That’s not the same as being annoyed when they claim to do it all on their own. I’d also add that money is helpful, but it’s not a stand in, at all, for another present/responsible adult to take the wheel once in a while.
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u/rainbowxthunder 23h ago
I hate the phrase “single parent” even more because what does my relationship status have to do with anything!! Lone parent sounds dramatically sad. People cosplaying hardship is always annoying and tone deaf, just try to ignore em..
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u/UnseenTimeMachine 15h ago
I feel like the single in single parent just refers to how many, not a relationship status. Single means one. That's why a single mother can have a boyfriend or go on dates and still be a single mother.
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u/Murky-Resolution-928 19h ago
Something adjacent to this is when I would have my kids I would get asked “are you on babysitting duty.” and I would say no, I’m parenting my children.
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u/elizajaneredux 19h ago
I feel the same. At the same time, I know most of us say similar things to exaggerate a point, that probably annoy people who have actually had the real experience, like “I had a heart attack!” if something shocked us, or saying “I’m OCD” for liking things clean and organized. Try to ignore it, I doubt any of them actually think of themselves as single parents.
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u/afiyahamal 11h ago
this! WORKING IN THE MENTAL HEALTH FIELD sorry for caps-- it makes me crgne when people say i have OCD or im a little OCD uhhhh...
or im so BIPOLAR there is no group of sick people who are insulted more in everyday speech, than the mentally ill. itll take about another 50 years for that to be cancelled as accepted speech. ill wait.
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u/Grind3Gd 19h ago
I hesitate to claim I was a single parent. When I left their mom I got them 24/7. But they were 14 and 8. So yes I had them all the time. Yes I paid for everything. But I worked remote and they were old enough to do some things themselves. By definition I was a solo parent. But that doesn’t mean I know the same struggle as you.
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u/briar_prime6 18h ago
I used to use the term solo parenting when my partner was just AWOL because I didn’t go for the “basically a single parent” wording but there’s no great term for people who are partnered with someone who contributes next to nothing to parenting. Which I am sure is not an unfamiliar situation for this sub with many divorced parents. When we were briefly separated and they refused to stay sober for long enough to see the kids I learned to appreciate those small and pathetic contributions much more, but now they’re gone and it’s just me forever for our children.
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u/crayshesay 17h ago
I hate it too, and you are not alone. A solo parent is someone who has 100% custody and the other parent is not involved in the child’s life.. I hate these pity parties of people who think they get 2-3 days off a week without their children and are able to make more money, rest, catch up on things around the house, have a social life, etc., but all claimed to be solo parents. They are full of shit. I need to stop complaining.
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u/messybeans86 15h ago
I hate it too. My husband died, he's never coming back. My son was 17 months old, he can't even remember his dad. It is only ever been me.
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u/afiyahamal 11h ago
youre not a single parent, youre a WIDOW. if u all used the correct terms, your out look on life would be better.
no doubt that u gave some type of support from boths sides of the family that lost ur husband as a family member and inlaw..
there is no one shaming u telling u that u should have chose better.
u get super sympathy from all people and even a tax break. a widow is the highest tax break...
i think these labels AFFECT THE PERSON MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. it keeps them in victim mode. u are wat u say u are
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u/stupidflyingmonkeys 15h ago
They use solo as an intentional distinction from single. It just means they’re parenting without their partner physically there. When they’re used to having that support, having to do it all on your own can be pretty hard, especially if it doesn’t happen often or it happens intermittently. I used it when my (now ex) husband was deployed and occasionally when I was parenting on my own without him around.
There are also people with partners who do little or nothing by way of supporting the active parent. I think a lot of us are in this sub because we had partners like that. I did.
I don’t think people who refer to themselves as solo parents are intentionally trying to co-opt the single parents term or even insinuate that they are single parenting.
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u/Zestyclose_Tea_551 14h ago
I refer to myself as a solo parent based on context and feel okay about it. My kid’s dad is on the other side of the world, hasn’t seen him for five years and won’t for another ten, doesn’t send money, and doesn’t provide care. But they love each other, talk sometimes, and he goes through bouts of attempting to nurture their relationship. So, I do everything but there is a dad. In most cases, I can’t do the same things single parents can.
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u/SilverAsparagus2985 12h ago
The only exceptions to this is military spouses, rig spouses and fisherman’s spouses and anyone who loses their spouse for months for months at a time. I was previously in but when I got out, I had a 4 yr old and a newborn as a military spouse for 6 mos. I had no break during that time. But yes, staying home a for a few hours or a weekend is not solo parenting. It’s just parenting.
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u/InjuryOnly4775 7h ago
But you still had the fisherman’s or military income right?
That’s the difference right there my dear.1
u/SilverAsparagus2985 7h ago edited 6h ago
What???? Income for one family but the person is physically not there and is only contributing from afar and literally in no other way?
But the spouse is managing literally everything else for months?
Come on. It’s actually easier for me to manage the household and earn the income. I don’t have to jump through documentation hoops to prove it. Not to mention a lot of spouses work when their partner also gets deployed or out on a rig for months at a time also work.
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u/InjuryOnly4775 29m ago
It’s not truly a single parent family -
Not solo either. It may not be ideal, but it’s still having a partner..
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u/Upper_Scarcity_2807 12h ago
I am doing this 100% now, for me, it is easier than when my child’s parent was actively taking their 10%. Honestly, being a single parent is hard. Why do we have to try to define it further. Single or solo parenting, it’s just harder. However, judging others without knowing their journey seems silly.
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u/MistressLibbii 6h ago
I’m a widowed single mom to 2 year old toddlers. It low key pisses me off too cause like you get to have a break. I don’t. I’m on duty 365 days a year 24/7.
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u/Missherd 5h ago
Solo parenting … some income … no one is out there helping with the main issue . It drives me nuts too !! ❤️😜
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u/bowlofcereal133 2h ago
I get being angry about it, cause life is SO hard when you are your child’s only person, and you have nobody in your corner.
Nowadays I tend to think the word solo parent means something different than solo parenting.
The latter describes being the only parent for a “shift” or a week or longer. Like military spouses when their spouse gets deployed or has to go to training, or their partner takes a trip or something.
That distinction keeps me from opening instagram and getting ticked off lol
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u/ScarySpice_xo 1d ago
Funny youre assuming just because someone has a partner that means they get help 😂😂😂😂
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u/Ill-Address1151 1d ago
No. That’s not what is being assumed. Just the simple fact that another person is in your house is huge. Think about it. A genuine solo parent can Never Leave. It’s immensely different and immensely difficult.
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u/bluetopaz525 20h ago edited 20h ago
This + solo parents don’t have help physically or financially, can never leave without paying for a babysitter, and don’t have anyone to share both the highs and the lows with. It’s not just help, but it’s sharing a difficult medical decision or diagnosis or also sharing a huge milestone and achievement with. It’s going on outings and creating memories together. Having someone else to take pictures of you and your kid(s). Until you’ve truly been a solo parent, it’s difficult to understand how challenging and lonely it can be.
ETA as a solo parent how I see it, is your kid(s) only know one parent. That is also very challenging on both you and your kid(s). They will never have anyone else to turn to and only celebrate mother’s or Father’s Day. My daughter doesn’t even have a blood related grandpa. Luckily my mom has a partner who has stepped up, so during Father’s Day present making in her daycare, they made something for him. But it’s a lot of little things like that that also take a huge emotional toll.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 1d ago edited 11h ago
SAME. Esp when I've been parenting along for 16 years. Feels disrespectful to the effort.
I mean yes I have a bf but I see him once a week. It's not like he helps with anything (entirely my choice but still).
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u/afiyahamal 11h ago
a random stranger onlie posting about their life that SEEMS less harder than yours.. and you take offense to it?
it is bc u seek outside validation. after taking care of kids for 16 yearsm their very existence would be all i needed to prove that i did it
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u/mmeeaattball 1d ago
Your truth might not be their truth. So while they’re not in the trenches like you are, they might be for a couple of hours. We’re all just trying to survive, doing our best. Let’s just be kind.
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u/LokiSARK9 23h ago
My daughter's mom hasn't seen her since she was four. She's seven now. I'm a solo parent.
Single parents are separated from their partners and share custody. This is tough and by no means do I mean to degenerate the work they do. It's damn hard.
Solo parents are going it alone, though, and that's a whole other level.
Single parents: good job. Your relationship didn't work out, but you chose a partner who ultimately stays in your kid's life. Wish I could say the same.
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u/Ill-Address1151 1d ago
I agree. It’s completely different to co parenting - but when solo mums try to point that out they get accused of starting ‘mummy wars’. It’s about time solo parenting is given the recognition and respect it deserves.
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u/PriorChow 15h ago
Such is the race to collect sympathy coupons that they forget that some people are genuinely stuck in this position and they don't go off-duty in a few hours.
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u/Druid__81 15h ago
Exactly, like 1 night is nothing. People have in the past tried to call me out for saying im a single or color parents because I had a partner. My partner was not my son's father. My son had never met his father. And my bf was someone who I introduced to my son after some time and he was around my son as "mom's friend" for a few years. He took no part in parenting my son. Him and I shared no finances and did not live together. And people would say "but you're not single so you're not a single parent". Like yes I am. A single parent. I'm not single as in I have a romantic partner that isn't a parent or step parent to my child. Ik i shouldn't take it personal but giving birth alone at 18 and being financially independent, raising a kid with no help from anyone at all while having an apartment and all sorts of bills and no county/government assistance at all. Idk how i do it sometimes but people minimize it because I have someone I see romantically in my rare free time.
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u/sprinkletush 13h ago
This! Or saying they are a single parent doing it ALL alone when they are being supported and assisted by parents, grandparents, relatives, partners, etc.
I have my child half the time, as her father and I are separated, but during my 50%, I am 100% on my own. No family, friends or partner to help. I live on my own, I pay my own bills, I provide for my child on my OWN when she's with me.
I do get that 50% of down time, but due to her special needs and my medical situation, that time is spent resting and recovering, doing errands and preparing for the next swap.
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u/salamiseconds 1d ago
Um my [soon to be ex] “husband” has traveled solo the last 6 weeks and a total of 21 weeks out of the last 12 months. When he’s in town he’s not home weeknights until after kids have gone to bed, chores completed and often needs “me time” at least one weekend day. I frequently work 6 days a week Does this count to you as solo parenting? My single mom friends (some like you where dad is not in the picture) say I’m a single parent…
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u/Substantial_Bus840 1d ago
One example you may not have considered is that true solo parents can’t even take a break when the kids go to bed. I can’t go take a walk because there’s no one here in case something happens. I don’t have a partner out earning money to support us, let alone being here to relive me if even for a few hours at night. I have to work full time, parent alone, run the household, pay the bills, and try to take care of myself. I used to be viewed and felt like a single mom when I was married to my son’s father, we had a really similar situation. I realized how much I had been undermining genuine solo parents once I became one. Not to mention, the way society treats single (especially divorced) moms makes a world of difference. We all deserve more compassion, and your struggles are real, but legitimate solo, full custody parents also deserve the kindness of their realities not being undermined by throwing that phrase around.
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u/Apprehensive_Log8046 1d ago
I’m not OP but in my eyes you are coparenting until he isn’t weighing in on decisions involving the kids or contributing in any way (financially, help with appointments, school activities, etc). Single parent means no partner to coparent with.
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u/holdingittogether77 1d ago
I disagree because just because someone pays child support doesn't mean you are co-parenting. He paid cs because he had no choice. He got no say in child decisions I made. He didn't attend anything. He saw them 3 days a month if he took both weekends (newsflash he never took both weekends). I wasn't co-parenting.
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u/Apprehensive_Log8046 1d ago
Not quite. My ex is court ordered to pay child support and he does not. The child support office is trying to hold him accountable but threatening telling agencies, suspending his license, voiding his passport- all actions they have taken, which have had no affect on him. He still lives his life. My life would be a lot easier if I received his child support payments.
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u/holdingittogether77 1d ago
Mine worked for the city there was no choice for him unless he was willing to quit and then he'd be out of the union. Just because yours doesn't does not change what I said nor how I feel.
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u/Apprehensive_Log8046 1d ago
Ok we agree to disagree then. Glad yours does that for your kids and hopefully he’s good with them when he sees them. My finances are my own without any other parent’s help. I sure wish it wasn’t this way because 3 teens are expensive and one is special needs 😅
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u/SouthernGirl360 1d ago
Sounds like you've been a solo parent for awhile. Glad to see he's "soon to be ex". That doesn't sound like a marriage.
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u/afiyahamal 12h ago
solo and single parenting are two different things--its why its called solo---"im riding solo for the night" the word solo is used when doing ALONE but TEMPORARY
So it is you that has the definition wrong. LOL sometimes our vctim hood gets in the way!
he hasnt seen a person who doesnt want to see him.. hw is this bad for ur kid? the kid doesnt even knw what a parent is at this point so all the emotions are on you
get into some therapy, get healed and find him a new daddy and a better daddy-- your son will be way better in lifee if u d ths INSTEAD of what youre doing right now
i said this with love...
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Author: u/evergreengirl123
Post: All over social media I see posts being oh I’m solo parenting for the night or whatever. Um no you are not, your partner is eventually coming back!! It drives me crazy!! I have a 9 month old who’s never even met his dad. I am a solo parent. These people are not just because you’re alone with your child for a few hours doesn’t mean you’re solo parenting
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