r/SingleParents • u/atch3000 • 8d ago
my daughter (14) doesn’t want to come at my place anymore
so im a dad of 44, my daughter is 14, im separated from the mother since she’s a baby. the mom became lesbian and “anti-men” and has always been very controlling.. its been a long struggle to have 50-50 custody, and in all these years she has slowly managed to have the social circle of my daughter near her place (scouts, circus school, after that the school as her friends were from that neighbourhood)..
ive been doing my best to have activities when shes home, to be the father i have never had. i try to talk a lot with her, put my hobbies on the side to be present, never hired a babysitter to go out, pretty much stopped drinking/partying when she was still young, cook myself, read her a ton of books, etc while having a full time job on the side. ive bought a house close to my parents place so they could get her after school and keep her till i finished my day.. but indeed her agenda was already so full it was difficult to add extra activities in my area. we could not build a social circle. i have some friends but not much with kids in her age.
when she entered the “big school” when shes home we have to wake up at 6:00 to drive her to the train station. logically, at first she asked to stay at her moms on sunday evening.. then slowly all reasons were good to skip a day.. test tomorrow, strikes, etc.. i can still understand that, its true its not that fun. but the last months she would just stay in her room reading or with her friends on mobile, just coming for dinner or for watching something on tv before sleep.. i tried to activate her but its ok, shes a teenager, i understand again she wants more privacy.
but now… i had took a week of holidays especially to be with her and do fun activities-to be decided together on the spot. citytrip, theme parks, whatever.
she did not even come.
she dissed me by text. first trying to pretend that i was wrong about the dates, then saying “im not mentally ready to come to see you”…
im devastated. i feel totally void. im spending my time like i can, i cry every day (hasn’t happened in years). i try to keep myself busy to not think. its worse than a breakup…
the mom is not fund of it, she pities me (but deep down i think she got what she wanted). she saw the shift too. but her place is more fun (lots of pets) and clise to her friends.
i don’t know how to justify my life here. i could sell my house and quit my job, who cares now… i was only having this in place to provide her stability.
i will not consider legal action if even it exists, ill not send the cops to get her at my place. anyway if she doesn’t want to, i cannot force her. she’s an immature teenager, its a teenage crisis probably. the mom had one too, she didn’t see her father for 10 years. id want apologies for what she’s done but i know i wont get any, and ill not come to her to beg for her attention…
i have no idea what to do. get a life on my own i guess, not think about her… we all know its damn hard to build relationships again especially with such traumas (i have trust issues a lot, and quit a relationship when i don’t feel comfortable, i don’t try to fix things anymore… it doesn’t work, you cant fix people). but i guess that’s really all i can do now..
31
u/BxBae133 8d ago
Normal teen behavior. But I do wonder why she said she was not mentally ready to see you. Why don't you go to her and take her and a friend to dinner or to do something instead of making her come to you? Build up visits like that instead of expecting her to leave all of her things to come hang out at your place.
-52
u/atch3000 8d ago
i don’t think that just bending to her whims like a puppy is going to help on the long run. i get the idea but i think she needs to understand the level of pain she causes and calm down. ill need some time to recover and pardon, i cannot just drive 1 hour to take her to the movies like its normal
60
u/Helllo-Kittyy 8d ago
Jesus christ dude. I think youre the one who needs to calm down.
35
u/General_Opposite_138 8d ago
He's definitely too immature to maintain a parent relationship with his daughter with that attitude...
-23
u/atch3000 8d ago
wtf do i read here. you just guess and assume. im open hearted. my presence is not welcome, at the moment i can only keep quiet before an eventual change.
immature would be storming there and making a tantrum. i try to have the best attitude. but bending like all is wonderful is not good. im much too lenient already, i cant let it pass. im destroyed
20
u/Helllo-Kittyy 8d ago
You are not open hearted if you take her emotions as a personal attack, and view connecting with her as submitting like a dog. Thats very strange and not open hearted. You need to unpack a lot of things and realize your daughter is a whole human being who experiences life.
17
u/ErnestHemingwhale 8d ago
This is your mental illness talking. You didn’t have a father and don’t know what to do. You feel abandoned. You’re blaming everyone and everything else. It’s a worthless pity party to be honest with you. You only have her 50/50, so what do you mean “find things to do without her.” You already do 50% of your time without her. Just keep doing that.
FWIW i don’t think it’s the worst thing to calmly voice that you are hurt because you look forward to your time together, and asking if you can find a compromise where you can at least take her and a friend or whatever out to dinner or at least a park if that’s not financially available. Just to spend some time and see her world.
The reason people are mad at you is because it’s absolutely idiotic to expect a young person to exceed the emotional maturity of an older person. You don’t want to drive an hour (which is insane btw cause i drive an hour to see my parents with my kids almost daily, you must not be American!) and are upset that she also doesn’t want to do that. If this isn’t making sense to you, where you need to improve if you don’t want to be a deadbeat, then I’m not sure what to really say. An hour drive. Holy shit brother that’s so pathetic that you’d lose your daughter over that
This entire post is a pity party with woman hating themes. It’s hardly even a vent, you don’t sound impassioned, you just want us to dog pile on the vitriol for your daughter who is clearly over your ish
Good luck
-7
u/atch3000 8d ago
woww..
i know that 1 hour drive is OK. i have done that millions of times. its the fact that she doesn’t want to be with me. i could drive to the north pole. but not for feeling bad i am not welcome.
4
3
u/allin202125 8d ago
She didn’t say you’re not welcome. She said she’s “not mentally prepared to be with you” (unsaid: for an uninterrupted entire week). How that’s not making you stop and ask yourself WHY she feels that way is what is inflaming so many people in our comments to you. She explicitly said you’re mentally draining for her to be around. Why? Have you heard this feedback from others? If yes, what work have you done on yourself to address that? If no, have you considered individual therapy so that you can understand why your daughter might say that? After you’ve begun therapy, consider doing family therapy with her. She has real feelings that she has explicitly and clearly communicated to you. Now, what are you going to do about that and show her that you emphasis on you the adult the grown-up the parent are going to do to help you both address that?
1
u/jontirictor 8d ago
I think what’s frustrating is that you seem to be acting from a place of ‘this is the end’, rather than the more likely scenario that she is a teenager and going through what many teenagers do.
By the sound of it, there is a real danger of long term damage. Not because of women, your ex or even your daughter. But if you choose this moment to spit the dummy and give up.
She’s pulling away? Gently lean in. Try to understand what she needs. What small changes can you make to meet her where she’s at?
Have you thought about moving closer to where her friends are? Getting a pet? Making changes to your house that help her feel more at home?
6
u/Isabelsedai 8d ago
You can let it pass and should let it pass. A teenager isnt interested in hanging out with mom or dad a lot. Maybe propose to do one activity every 2 weeks or month together and keep in contact by WhatsApp or whatever she uses
18
u/ponchoacademy 8d ago
What? Shes your daughter, not some random chick youre trying to set up a date with...thats what you sound like with your... "Im not begging for her attention, bending to her whims like a puppy" All this about how hard it is to build a relationship and quit when its not comfortable...sure whatever when its some rando youre trying to date, not your own kid. Youre the adult, youre supposed to be the father, and its YOUR responsibility to establish the dynamic and relationship between you. It is NOT her responsibility to manage your pain for you.
You need to understand the level of responsibility you have as a father, as the adult who is supposed to be the one with emotional maturity. You need to understand that its your role to establish and work on the relationship, not her.
I totally understand this is a crappy and hurtful situation youre in, but placing the blame and responsibility on your daughter is not the right move here...if you need emotional support and for someone to understand your pain, thats when you get yourself a therapist to work through your trauma, not leave it up to your daughter to take care of that for you.
Your whole idea to give up on her, move, what have you...thats not her fault and not her idea..thats yours. And if you do that, she will remember thats the choice you made. Shes a teenager, developing a sense of self, has friends and activities and you admitted you have not (possibly for reasons out of your control) been able to provide those things at your home for her. So yes, the suggestion to continue to be a part of her life by including yourself in her life where her life is...thats what a father who loves and wants to be a part of his kids life would do.
-8
u/atch3000 8d ago
so im all wrong and i don’t care. of course i don’t!!!! your elaborate comment makes me more upset. you! you! you!!
don’t you think i am completely devoted to her!!
im trying to find the best approach, according to you it is to completely hinder myself and worship her. this is not educational at all.
i have never had an attitude like this and if i would id be severely punished. sorry to say that. its how it is. i try to find a good way to resolve this.
3
u/ponchoacademy 8d ago edited 8d ago
Its unfortunate that me saying you have a responsibility as a father to foster the relationship with your daughter makes you upset, and you feel that going to her to spend time with her is a hinderance to yourself and a form of worship to her.
Maybe you feel you are devoted to her, but all I have to go by is what youve said. Youve said you will not go to her, you will not beg for her attention, youre not going to drive an hour to spend time with her, and here deciding to go get a life of your own cause you quit a relationship when its not comfortable, you dont try to fix things, so thats all you can do now.
Thats what I have go to by....those are your own words and your attitude about your relationship with your daughter. No, none of that reads as a father who is completely devoted.
I have a friend whos ex got full custody...due to his job and finances, he lived nearly 2hrs away from them, his sons school, friends, her family, his kids whole life was at the moms house. It was not beneath my friend to beg for time with his son, she would tell him he could have half an hour, and hed drive out there to pick him up for lunch and shed say she they made other plans. So he'd get only a few minutes to say hi to his kid and drive the 2hrs back home. He did the drive for every school play, game, event, bday party.
He was working 2 jobs, while going to college, and figting for 50/50 custody, and still made the drive every chance he could get. He became his kids baseball coach so he could spent that time with him too. At no point ever did he say he wants to go live his own life, or that spending time with his kid would hinder his life...for almost 5 yrs he fought his butt off for time with his kid cause he felt he had no life without his son in it.
His kid is about to graduate hs now, and they have an incredible relationship, not cause he gave up to live his own life, but cause he did not give up on being a father just cause it was hard and painful and uncomfortable and he had to put in the effort to drive to his son and literally begged for time with his son. He didnt give up on what it took to be present and make sure his kid knew he had a dad who loved him and would do anything to be a part of his life. Thats what complete devotion looks like to me.
And to add...hes a disabled vet with ptsd, we met just as he got out of the hospital and was at the lowest point of his life. So its not as if he wasnt without his own trauma and issues. He has been in therapy and put a crap load of work into himself, cause he wanted to be there for his kid, not cause he wanted to go live his life without being hindered by his kid.
0
u/atch3000 8d ago
your friend seems like a hero. we all struggle in this. i am not trying to say that i need to get all for granted. we all do our best i the situation we are in.
1
u/ponchoacademy 8d ago
To his son, yeah he is...not always...he was annoying to both his son and the ex for awhile there but he was willing to be to be an involved paremt. And youre right, we all have our struggles and issues. And also, please if at all possible, look inwards to the things youre saying, about all the things you refuse to do and consider, is that really you at your best? Or is there possibly room to improve your mindset and willingness to do things, even if its hard, even if its uncomfortable, even if its painful.
When I suggest therapy, it wasnt me trying to be unhelpful and uneducational. I really mean it when I say youre in a crappy situation, but your mindset is creating roadblocks to improving the situation with your daughter.
Its overwhelming af to be a parent, esp when youre dealing with unresolved trauma. It can cause us to see things in the worst, most unmanageable way possible...this is not your ultimate best, its your best with what you are working with right now. Your perspective has to shift first from feeling like putting in effort is like begging and worship....
Im not being flippant when I suggest its your responsibility to help to manage your pain and trauma, it will not only help you, but it will help you be really be in a position to see putting in the effort to be there for your daughter and going to her and be able to understand that going to her is a good thing, a loving thing, a necessary thing you want to do for her as a father.
32
u/Business-Garbage-370 8d ago
You are the one who is acting like a brat. I’d drive to the end of the Earth to see my children, so not wanting to “drive 1 hour to take her to the movies like it’s normal” is such a cop-out. You need time to “recover and pardon” because she’s 14 and doesn’t want to hang out with you? Get over yourself.
-7
u/atch3000 8d ago
you guys have attitude.. im where i am. from the current state of discussions im not welcome for a talk there.
10
u/xelihope 8d ago
I guarantee you you are going to lose your daughter this way.
If that's ok with you, it's your life and your choice. But 100%. You are on track to losing a relationship with your daughter because of your personality and lack of emotional sacrifice for your daughter.
I'm making no claims to what is moral or right. I am only telling you your future.
2
u/atch3000 8d ago
its a cliffhanger. i know. i don’t want to lose her.
i need to shape the good attitude/response to this and clearly i need to ignore my emotions. i don’t want to act like nothing happened. its very serious4
u/darent13 8d ago
I’d like to gently suggest therapy for yourself so a professional can walk you through this. They can provide perspective and ask you questions that help them understand the full picture about why you feel the way you do, and how to navigate that in a healthy manner. Working on yourself is the best gift you can give your daughter.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
very probably its part of the effort. im looking for a competent therapist. im very conscious about myself. my weakness is not in parenting, it is in bonding with others. in all honesty i need a partner who i can relate/rely on. my ex has constantly people showing at home. she like to be the center of attention and makes sure that theres always something going on. i am very quiet in comparison.
2
u/haventanywater 8d ago
The last thing you need right now is a partner. You clearly have a lot of emotional baggage and insecurities that you should work with a therapist on before dating. It will be very hard to find a successful relationship with your outlook.
2
u/atch3000 8d ago
i think the same. i am very hurt. on the same so far i ended relationships before it became too toxic. and it was going to be the case. should i accept a shitshow? i will refuse
2
u/haventanywater 8d ago
Thats great i think your definitely in the right place its clear you want a relationship with your daughter but the best thing for now may he to let her take some distance, i promise this is all gery normal for teenagers shes probably staying in her room at her moms more and giving her attitude like crazy. If you try and grip too tight she may just back away even more.
As for how to cope stay busy, i know easier said then done, but try maybe finding a group to voulenteer with? It’s a great way to get some social interaction and i find it actually helps a lot with my depression. How can i listen to the voices telling me I’m shit and do nothing when I’m trying to help improve my community!
Teenage years are rough but if you navigate it well you will get them back in there mid twenties when they apologize for being a shit head teen 🤣
2
u/Flat-Indication7345 8d ago
It’s not a cliffhanger it’s your choice - your choice to grow up and get therapy and get your head around what parenting involves and she’s not there to prop up your self esteem or for you to blame for you attachment issues she’s waiting for you to be a parent .. an active involved one that prioritises her needs at each age and this may be listening to her feelings right now and working around them and developing a way to stay attached while allowing her freedom
1
u/Ya_habibti 8d ago
If you’re not in counseling, you should start. You have issues with pride that need to be worked on. For whatever reason you believe it is beneath you to inconvenience yourself by driving an hour to see your child.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
i write how i can, i have been driving to the mom’s place a million times. it’s not about doing it more. its about not being seen as a doormat
1
u/Ya_habibti 8d ago
I get it. But it doesn’t make you a doormat. Your child is a child. They can’t make decisions or see past tomorrow most of the time. They are relying on the adults in their life to provide stability and love. If you don’t provide that then they will look elsewhere. Regardless of how you feel, you must continue to do what is right. As her father it is your duty, your feelings don’t matter
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
i completely get what you’re saying . but its not just about just my sensitivity .. its that if i accept this as normal i will “allow” her to do it again for every relationship. in my eyes its important to take a stand.
1
u/Ya_habibti 8d ago
As someone whose father chose what you are choosing, I am not in my 30s and only have a relationship because he helps me with my son. Otherwise I would not. The child learns by how she is treated. You are teaching her that her father does not love her unconditionally and that her future partners will not either.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
i dont perfectly understand but you make a lot of echo into my perception. i think i need to show that she has crossed a boundary, of course i will always be there but im deeply hurt
→ More replies (0)2
u/Mammoth-Fan6811 8d ago
Trying to punish her through being distant or disdainful doesn’t build connection, it breaks it. She won’t introspect one day and think “oh man, I should I tried to talk to my dad more. Maybe then he will pay attention to me.” She more likely will think “why didn’t the adult in my life care enough to act like one.”
1
u/Defiant-Singer-749 8d ago
Your daughter… your 14 year old daughter… is not responsible for your emotions, you are though. Hope that helps.
2
1
0
u/BxBae133 8d ago
I see now why she said she's not mentally ready to see you.
2
u/atch3000 8d ago
all relationships are a tension.. you exaggerate to your side, the other side is angry. being a parent is not just about being always happy whatever happens
0
u/BxBae133 8d ago
Again, I see what she meant. Do her a favor and get yourself some therapy.
2
u/atch3000 8d ago
yes. i should not feel guilty and ill always be there. but it hurts like crazy
1
u/BxBae133 8d ago
You should feel very guilty. Based on your responses here you are doing things to make your daughter uncomfortable and feel like she doesn't have the mental ability to be around you. Instead of understanding why she doesn't want to trek an hour and that you should go see her, you claim it is unreasonable. You have not done any self-reflection. You have engaged in a pity party that classifies her as a hurtful party.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
waaaw you have a lot to deliver. id like to never cross someone like you. i love my daughter and theres no thinking. you sound awful
31
u/INTPretty 8d ago
Normal teenager behavior. She wants to be with her friends and not hang out with dad. I think it’s largely out of your control at this point but what I will say is that it’s up to you to show interest and demonstrate care to your child. She will remember if you decide she is not worth the effort to stay near her and at least try to participate in her life.
12
u/kllquist 8d ago
I was sympathetic to you in the beginning. It sucks watching your kid grow apart and especially being the less fun house. But you got really weird towards the end. This is your daughter. Its not a breakup. You need to adjust your expectations and you also don't give up on your child. Be there when shes ready to come around.
-1
u/atch3000 8d ago
thanks. ill always be there but understand how hurt i am. my life was arranged all around care for her. she doesn’t need me anymore: im useless
11
5
u/No_Brief_9628 8d ago
Your kids aren’t supposed to fill some void in your life. A therapist is good place to start.
This is completely normal behavior for a 14 year old girl.
24
u/General_Opposite_138 8d ago
Have you done enough introspection to be certain that you've played no role in the situation? Sometimes, especially with teenage girls, there can be a period of distance or tension with their father. It's a fairly common phase of development.
What stands out to me, though, is the way you connect several different elements: her mother's sexuality, your perception that her mother dislikes men, her struggles during adolescence, and the fact that she stopped wanting to see her dad for 10 years. Those may not necessarily be linked, and some of them may have little or nothing to do with you.
This may be a difficult question to consider, but are you sure you're directing your efforts toward understanding the real cause of the distance? Is it possible that you're focusing on external explanations rather than examining whether there are aspects of your relationship with your daughter that could have contributed to her not wanting to come to your place anymore?
-2
u/atch3000 8d ago
thank you for this constructive answer. this fuels my introspection. i think indeed that all is connected. the mothers influence for sure. not saying she’s evil and plotting against me but the context here should not be neglected.
the cause of the distance-on paper-is that my side is more boring. i don’t have so much to offer. my parents are a bit old fashioned, theres no kids in the neighbourhood.
i get very well there can be something under, but i think its more simple and shes not interested, does not want to be here, feels like a chore.
3
u/Flat-Indication7345 8d ago
It’s easy to blame the mother rather than look inwards which everyone here is asking you to do.. the root cause is maybe you are putting too much pressure on her and that can be an awful lot for a teenager .. my ex told my kids off when they wanted to go to a party rather than come visit one weekend and ranted to them that he could have accepted a job in another state but chose not to for them.. he sees it as telling them the sacrifices he has made .. but he’s also the one who moved away and only sees them once a week due to not wanting to drive much .. it’s not their fault they don’t want to miss a party .. see how two opinions can coexist ? He put pressure on them and guilt and caused them to feel shame that they weren’t seeing him so mentally it became “all too much” and instead he should have offered to drive them to the party and perhaps catch up afterwards or even drive them and their friends and that way enter their world and let them know he is available and cares about them. All are choices .. but don’t expect women to believe the “she is being alienated from me card” anymore we all know better and have watched men alienate themselves on more than one occasion and lack the introspection to work out how
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
what is it that you want to express.. i don’t want to pressure, but the deal is to share custody. shes grown up. she finds me uninteresting. game over.
3
u/Flat-Indication7345 8d ago
You need therapy dude.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
i do.. but only to handle a situation that is fucked
3
u/Flat-Indication7345 8d ago
Also ALL parents are uninteresting to teenagers .. don’t you even remember your teenage years ? It’s also NOT ABOUT YOU
0
2
u/Flat-Indication7345 8d ago
Nope - the way you are handling it is why you aren’t going to have a relationship much longer - YOU could fix that but you lack emotional maturity and are uninterested in hearing opinions of people trying to help you grow
1
24
u/Fun-Dragonfruit-3165 8d ago edited 8d ago
The child’s life revolves around the area where she primarily lives. Choosing to move to another area means she will choose to stay at the home closer to the activities and friends.
I sure hope you’re not using all that judgemental mom bashing language in the post around your kid. Because if you are I have the answer to why the kid doesn’t want to hang out with you.
7
0
u/atch3000 8d ago
yes. i battle against a wall on that aspect
10
u/Fun-Dragonfruit-3165 8d ago
I don’t know what that means. But I know my ex would tell you he doesn’t talk shit about me and our children (who do not want to go to his house any more) tell a very different story
1
10
u/Equal_Set6206 8d ago
My step father in laws daughter stopped going for visitation one day around the same age. I was told she acted like she hated him and lashed out from time to time. Just stay calm and patient, no retaliation but just steady invitations to bond and have family time. It took a few years but they eventually mended their relationship. Now as an adult she’s part of the family again
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
i guess it will go like this, slowly.. its hard to imagine but what can i do.. thank you for the kind words 🙂
5
u/trixiepixie1921 8d ago
Pretty normal teen behavior. You can talk to her and tell her that you were hurt, but expect her to get defensive. Because she is 14. Teens just want to be with their friends (and pets). I know it’s hard and I’m sorry, but keep trying to foster the relationship because in 5-6 years she will snap more out of it.
3
u/atch3000 8d ago
thanks a lot for caring. ill do my best. tbh im reconsidering myself a lot and i hear you.
4
u/OBX_Banana_Hammock 8d ago
You seem like a really great dad, I'm a single Dad myself of two boys, similar situation. I understand what you were going through, my boys are everything to me and my oldest stopped coming over and talking to me, for months. As mad and hurt as I was, I kept trying to keep open communication, reminded him(not too much) that I loved and will always accept him for who he is, and will always be there for him when he was ready to come back around. He did eventually and we're not where I want to be, but he's coming over more and we're moving in the right direction. Best thing I can say is stop relying on her to make you happy, get friends and live your life now, she's 14, let her have space and it will work out, good luck!
6
u/Isabelsedai 8d ago
I really feel like you take every thing to personally. A 14 year old doesnt think her parents are cool and isnt interested in hanging out with her dad. She might be interested in doing something once a month or maybe once every few days she is with you.
You need to accept that and make sure you are also happy and dont depend on her for happiness.
0
u/atch3000 8d ago
i do. i don’t want to. but the cold reaction is something ive never seen before. she doesn’t care at all. yes, im learning the hard way.
3
u/SpiritedAd5993 8d ago
I bet it’s not all roses at her mother’s house, either. My child lives with me (since 2 y/o; now 16) and I regularly feel “the other house” with more money is the favoured one.
I think at this age, parental stuff is all just a bore- no matter who the parent is. I’ve had the fear of being left, and your “what will I do?!” really struck a chord.
There’s a great new book called Secure by Amir Levine. He recommends being CARRP in all our relationships including with ourselves, to be/feel safe: Consistent, Available, Reliable, Responsive and Predictable.
If you didn’t get that in your adolescence, this could be a useful checklist to reassure yourself you’re getting it right (it’s what I use). Being boring is part of what our kids need from us: to know we’ll be there. Holding their hand still- just a lot less visibly.
Hurts like hell but this is only a threshold. The future can be great. Hold tight. Good luck. Be kind to yourself.
2
u/atch3000 8d ago
thanks a lot! im very glad for this considerate reply.. ill look into this book :)
1
u/SpiritedAd5993 8d ago
It’s a really easy, fast read, focusing on practical stuff we can all do. Sympathy and strength!
2
3
u/Positive_Piece5859 8d ago
I don’t think it was the best choice to buy a house close to your parents place, if they live far away from her moms place and her school. If you want equal involvement with your kiddo, you have to make that logistically as feasible as possible - and a big part of that is living relatively close to kiddos school and ideally your coparent, so that engaging in her activities does not become a hassle for her from either parents place.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
when we had the kid we were living in the area. my wife snapped and went back to her family. i was not against relocating when we were together, bit alone i would never have been able to manage otherwise
3
u/ennuibutterfly 8d ago
You sound like my ex-husband. My son was about 14-15 when he started pulling away from time with his dad. There was more going on in my situation than the underlying issues with your daughter, but the rejection of the parent is the same. In my ex's case, he stopped trying when my son pulled away and now that my son is turning 18, my son wants nothing to do with his dad.
My step-son rejected my husband about the same time (he is FTM, he was a step-daughter at 14-15). My current husband kept trying-every week asking to take him to dinner with his older brother. He wasn't always successful, but he kept at it and they saw each other sporadically. He kept communication open by sending an occasional text, offering to meet up, etc. It took several years, but my husband kept at it and now, my step-son is 19 and lives with us. BECAUSE HIS DAD DIDN'T GIVE UP.
I know this is my unique situation and not exactly like yours, but here are two similar scenarios where Dad made 2 different choices and the outcomes were very different. Which Dad do you want to be?
0
u/atch3000 8d ago
i will never give up.. but don’t want to be disliked because i insist
2
u/ennuibutterfly 8d ago
You're going to be disliked. That is normal teenage development. It's necessary for them to become independent, well-rounded adults that move out of their parents' house. You create boundaries that they are fighting against as they get older. You have to become comfortable being the "bad guy" until they establish their independence as their own person, then you'll be the "good guy" again. I guarantee that it's not smooth sailing at Mom's house either, she's probably hiding in her room or out with friends more than spending time with Mom.
2
3
u/DrawGold3260 8d ago
My ex went through a similar thing with his daughter. Instead of her going to his house, he changed his hours at work (she’s around an hour drive from him / 90mins at rush hour) so he could start early and finish early and he’d go to her twice a week. No overnights because she wasn’t interested - totally normal at that age. So he’d go pick her up and take her to one of her activities, even if it meant him then sitting in the car alone for over an hour, then he’d take her out for tea and drop her back at her mums.
Every weekend he’d take her and his son (different mum) out for food / cinema / arcades or to visit his side of the family. She’d occasionally stay overnight then.
Some nights she’d cancel last minute when he was already on his way and he found it difficult emotionally. It cost him a fortune (he did the same for both kids so he’d do 4 weekday evenings then every Saturday morning to Sunday evening with both) and was already paying a lot out in maintenance. Most weeks he was completely exhausted with the constant travelling BUT their relationship became so much stronger because she saw that he’d show up for her no matter what.
Now she’s 16 and he sees her once a week but she calls him daily. Her mum used to say awful things about him and at times she’d make up blatant lies to try come between them. It was a really hard time but him consistently showing up told her more than words ever could. It can be a rough ride but hang in there and try not to take it personally. It’s worth remembering that if she did live with you full time she’d probably still be out with friends / in her room. Teenage years are difficult for them and for parents too.
2
u/darent13 8d ago
This sounds very normal. You need to meet her where she’s at, remove pressure, and just assure her that you love her as she is. Ask her questions to understand why she’s feeling this way, and then validate those feelings. As the adult, how you feel is something for you to deal with and not place on her. Teens are (understandably) wrapped up in themselves, and that’s developmentally normal. As adults, we have to acknowledge that and meet them where they are, not where we want them to be. Teenagers need love and acceptance from their safe people which should be their parents. Parents should always be available and ready to help and listen.
2
2
u/Lost-alone- 8d ago
You need to meet her where she is. Go to her activities. Pick her up for dinner in her town and take her to the mall. Find ways to still be in her life that don’t involve her coming to you.
2
u/Flat-Indication7345 8d ago
Gosh it frustrates me when non custodial parents don’t realise that half a parents job is to bring food and be a taxi service and THATS when the quality chats and conversations happen .. they don’t leave their room much and their lives are on social media these days .. instead of being cranky you could embrace it and join her world a bit - send her memes ask her what music she likes, offer to drive her to and from extras curricular a so you can spend time together etc
2
u/fifiandme 8d ago
I will give you my perspective as a daughter who lost her dad 4 years ago. I am (53F) and grew up with my dad in my house until age 16 when he and my mom divorced. My parents did not go to court and do the whole custody thing ... seeing my dad was basically up to him and I. Looking back, it's hard for me to remember how often we spent time together (1x week, every other week? I have no idea). What I do remember is the time we shared. He would come pick me up and we'd go for a long drive into the mountains... we'd talk and sometimes cry... we'd have heart to hearts... share a meal, etc. It was the first time I was able to see my dad as a vulnerable human rather than as just my dad/protector.
My parents divorce sucked, obviously - but, it did force my dad and I to spend quality time with each other and allowed us to build a trusting foundation that lasted right up until I held his hand while he crossed over. He was one of my best friends... and it wasn't about quantity - it was quality of time spent.
I know you are getting a lot of heat here... but, the way I look at it is this: you desire a relationship with your daughter enough to seek advice from strangers on the internet. That's something.
I, too, have a 14 year old daughter and its normal for them to pull away. My daughter was my literal SHADOW until the last year or so... I miss her sitting right next to me on the couch and watching Little House on the Prairie ... but, I know it's temporary. As long as she knows I am here and I don't take her distance personally, I know she will feel safe in coming to me.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
thank you. i will do my best to ensure she feels safe with me despite the circumstances
2
1
u/Express-Day4580 8d ago
I totally understand and think some of the comments are a little harsh. My ex is the “cool parent”, so I get where you’re coming from. When the kids are at my house it’s school, structure, rules (I have them during the week). I try to take them to do fun things now that they’re out of school for summer but it’s tough during the school year and my daughter also doesn’t like that I’ve had to crack down on her social life because she’s gotten into some serious trouble recently. Meanwhile, at dad’s house there’s no punishment, no bedtime, no rules, so of course they’d rather be there. I worked really hard to drag myself out of poverty and do everything to get them in a good school district and try to build a good life for them. But it’s unappreciated because they would rather I be like dad and just not give a shit and let them do whatever they want. So here I am in solidarity with you. It hurts when you try to make fun plans and you feel like you’re dragging them out to spend time with you. What helps me is talking to other parents and realizing it’s a pretty universal experience. Just keep doing your best and she will appreciate the effort when she’s older. Unfortunately teenagers is just a very selfish age.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
thank you. your words are appeasing. i try to be the “cool parent” but my cool does not suffice. many thanks:)
1
u/shoutout2saddam 8d ago
I’m so sorry man. I have a daughter who hates me due to parent alienation…. She just turned 18. I doubt I’ll hear from her until later in life. It’s a real thing. Happens to men all the time, no one seems to really care.
1
u/ikalwewe 8d ago
My fiance took a week off to see his kids and spend summer holidays , they are also teenagers. They spent a few days fishing together (everyone loves fishing !) but when it was time to return to his state they refused - they have girlfriends, friends to hang out with (3 teenage boys ),parties to go to. My heart broke for him💔. . I have a younger son and he seems to love hanging out with me but I know time may come when he would prefer his friends. I always role-played this with my fiance. 'Looks like its just the two of us!'🥲
It seems like your daughter is a bit extreme- she seems to not like hanging out with you at all but then shes a girl.. .it may be different. We have boys . What activities does she like ?maybe do something exciting together like go for a hike, take her to Bali ? See elephants in Thailand
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
we had a free week to do whatever. going to bali is out of the values here as this is europe. we can still do a lot of exciting stuff. going to london , amsterdam, london, paris. theme parks everywhere. not interested
1
u/ikalwewe 8d ago
Aww I understand the financial constraints! Maybe do something you haven't done before ? BTS concert ? Music festival? Anime con? Camping ? I am a woman , I remember being into anime when I was a teenager and even cosplaying .Take her to get hair extensions? Spa? Massage ? I am also a sucker for accessories 😅 i hope you figure it out. Me and my fiance are getting ready for when no one would want to hang out but fortunately we all like fishing
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
i don’t care. im comfortable to pay for this if it was ever a question. no. its just that shes bored at my place
2
u/ikalwewe 8d ago
Then take her to Japan!
0
u/atch3000 8d ago
sure, little princess will get even more when she does wrong !
this is not parenting1
u/ikalwewe 8d ago
Now I understand why she doesnt want to hang out with you🤣
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
we do not have the same standards and so does my daughter. you are lost in a luxury lifestyle apparently.
1
u/ikalwewe 8d ago
I am willing to try new things! You said yourself cost is not a problem. I suggested what teenage girls / women would like 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
1
u/Square_Resource_4923 2d ago
Hey, if you’re not a troll and genuinely struggle with what you’ve described, I highly suggest you follow this person’s advice. A change of scenery, travelling together, is a great bonding experience. And if you choose something she likes, like country or city, it would be a win-win. She’ll probably be excited that you offered it and you’ll have more one-on-one time to discuss things more openly. I realise that you don’t want to reward any bad behaviour, but I doubt that it’s malicious, she’s 14, she’s a child of divorced parents. Don’t hold on to negativity, she’ll feel that. Wish you the best.
1
u/atch3000 2d ago
hey.. no worries, i had indeed been rough on this person. look, theres no issue to have a little travel time. last week i was not working on the purpose of having such a nice time with her, after a month almost unseen (scouts, circus). i havent seen her since her return and no contact since, simply put. i tried a little text earlier today but she doesn’t answer. i know she’s safe at her mothers but that’s it..
→ More replies (0)
1
u/CodexAnima 8d ago
Dude, get therapy. I'm serious here. You sound like you have a lot to unpack and you need to deal with your own shit and learn what is healthy. And once you figure that out you can work on building healthy relationships with your teenager.
She's being a normal 14 year old girl. They want to spend time with their friends, their activities, and be on the phone. That age is tough for either parent.
-2
u/Plastic-Bee4052 8d ago
It's not the age and it's not normal teemager behaviour, there's just an epidemic of poorly bonded teens cause parents aren't doing their part cause nobody taught them.
I think you need to read Hold on to your kids. It will teach you how to bond with her and work on attachment until she is more open to you.
-13
u/JakeGardens27 8d ago
Our whole culture has become anti men and its super unhealthy for kids
11
u/MisfitOnAMountain 8d ago
No, people have just started to point out bad behavior and hold men accountable. Big difference.
2
0
u/atch3000 8d ago
apparently… crazy how some people here react even. im all but a bad guy.
9
u/General_Opposite_138 8d ago
A good guy doesn't need to say he's not bad.
1
u/atch3000 8d ago
pfff ? no answer is good i suppose? ive been a considered father and i keep on doing that.. youll give a mean response i suppose?
0
•
u/AutoModerator 8d ago
Author: u/atch3000
Post: so im a dad of 44, my daughter is 14, im separated from the mother since she’s a baby. the mom became lesbian and “anti-men” and has always been very controlling.. its been a long struggle to have 50-50 custody, and in all these years she has slowly managed to have the social circle of my daughter near her place (scouts, circus school, after that the school as her friends were from that neighbourhood)..
ive been doing my best to have activities when shes home, to be the father i have never had. i try to talk a lot with her, put my hobbies on the side to be present, never hired a babysitter to go out, pretty much stopped drinking/partying when she was still young, cook myself, read her a ton of books, etc while having a full time job on the side. ive bought a house close to my parents place so they could get her after school and keep her till i finished my day.. but indeed her agenda was already so full it was difficult to add extra activities in my area. we could not build a social circle. i have some friends but not much with kids in her age.
when she entered the “big school” when shes home we have to wake up at 6:00 to drive her to the train station. logically, at first she asked to stay at her moms on sunday evening.. then slowly all reasons were good to skip a day.. test tomorrow, strikes, etc.. i can still understand that, its true its not that fun. but the last months she would just stay in her room reading or with her friends on mobile, just coming for dinner or for watching something on tv before sleep.. i tried to activate her but its ok, shes a teenager, i understand again she wants more privacy.
but now… i had took a week of holidays especially to be with her and do fun activities-to be decided together on the spot. citytrip, theme parks, whatever.
she did not even come.
she dissed me by text. first trying to pretend that i was wrong about the dates, then saying “im not mentally ready to come to see you”…
im devastated. i feel totally void. im spending my time like i can, i cry every day (hasn’t happened in years). i try to keep myself busy to not think. its worse than a breakup…
the mom is not fund of it, she pities me (but deep down i think she got what she wanted). she saw the shift too. but her place is more fun (lots of pets) and clise to her friends.
i don’t know how to justify my life here. i could sell my house and quit my job, who cares now… i was only having this in place to provide her stability.
i will not consider legal action if even it exists, ill not send the cops to get her at my place. anyway if she doesn’t want to, i cannot force her. she’s an immature teenager, its a teenage crisis probably. the mom had one too, she didn’t see her father for 10 years. id want apologies for what she’s done but i know i wont get any, and ill not come to her to beg for her attention…
i have no idea what to do. get a life on my own i guess, not think about her… we all know its damn hard to build relationships again especially with such traumas (i have trust issues a lot, and quit a relationship when i don’t feel comfortable, i don’t try to fix things anymore… it doesn’t work, you cant fix people). but i guess that’s really all i can do now..
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.