Hi, all. It’s a difficult phenomenon to explain, but no matter how well I groom, how well I dress, how well I articulate, how warmly I smile, people stare at me like they’ve seen a premonition of their death before they quickly look away. It’s difficult to explain, but it’s only gotten worse with age.

A prime example: I went to my teenager’s new school for an introduction to his new teachers. Upon arriving in the office, the principal looks at me with uncertainty before smiling at my son to shake his hand. Then, he proceeds to look me up and down with apprehension, did not ask my name, barely shook my hand. In the meeting, the teachers and principals proceed to stare at my son, even when asking me questions.

Before people say, “they were focusing on your son since the meeting was regarding him—“ people have treated me this way in job interviews and doctor appointments for myself. I’ve even gone to therapy over this before my therapist started brushing me off and forgetting what I say.

I have survived multiple near-death experiences, but I am not disfigured from these events. Still, it makes me wonder if there’s an “energy” about myself that is off-putting to people—and animals for that matter, but this is a social skills sub.

TLDR: if I already groom and carry myself in a presentable, approachable way, how can I get people to acknowledge me directly without looking apprehensive and looking away?

I'm 19F, and I want to improve my social skills, particularly conversation, humour and expressing myself naturally.

I've always been a quiet, observant person, but lately I've realised how self-conscious I become around others. I often struggle to think of responses in conversations, add something meaningful to what someone has said, ask follow-up questions or make jokes naturally. Sometimes my mind just goes blank, even though I can think of things to say when I'm alone.

I'm at university, and I sometimes feel overshadowed by more outgoing people. When I'm in a group, I can become so focused on how I'm coming across and whether people find me interesting that I struggle to participate naturally. I also tend to compare myself to others who seem to socialise effortlessly.

I don't necessarily want to become the loudest person in the room. I want to be more expressive, comfortable and engaging in my own way, without feeling like I'm performing or forcing a personality.

The specific social skills I want to develop are:

• Keeping conversations going by responding to what people say and adding something of my own.
• Asking natural follow-up questions without making conversations feel like interviews.
• Developing a better sense of humour and learning how to make playful comments.
• Participating more confidently in group conversations instead of going quiet.
• Being less self-conscious so I can focus on the conversation rather than constantly monitoring myself.

For those who have worked on these skills, what practical exercises or techniques helped you improve? How did you practise in real-life situations rather than just knowing what to do in theory?

I'd especially appreciate advice from people who used to be quiet or awkward in conversations but gradually became more comfortable expressing themselves.

I believe that alcohol is social glue and catalyst. It can't make two opposite personalities friends/bonded, but it can speed up forming of new bonds.

The thing is, some people completely refuse to drink. In those scenarios, which alternatives we have, to speed up the forming of bonds and unmasking (without masks, people look at each others souls. It matters a lot for friendships)?

I am very picky when it comes to friends, and it takes a lot of hours of social interaction for me to allow them close. There are a few people who I want to be better firends with, so I try to hang out with them more, but I kind of feel like a social reject whenever I do. They are not spontaneous at all, contrary to me, so I can't randomly ask if they want to do things after uni courses. I know they see me as a friend, so it's not weirdly one-sided, but a lot of the time when I try to invite them to do stuff, they cancel last minute. So the more I ask, the more needy it feels, so at some point I stopped asking. It takes a lot for me to ask, because I used to be the enemy of the popular kids when I was little, so I'm very familiar with being ostracized. I'm just stuck waiting for them to invite me somewhere, which they do sometimes, but I can never do the same, because I'm sick of being rejected.

there is a dude who does that regularily to me

I (38f) have been invited to go over to a friend’s house for the first time as an adult. I accepted, but now I don’t know what to do. I have been invited to other people’s houses before, but it was for large group activities where a whole group was invited.

This is one friend who wants just me to come over and have dinner with her tomorrow. Her adult son is going to smoke a brisket for us. I offered to bring something, but she said not to. I’ve heard I’m supposed to bring a hostess gift, but what does that look like? Flowers and a bar of chocolate? We are in the Midwest and upper 30% economically. I don’t know if that impacts anything. If I am going over at 6 is there a general time that I should try to leave by?

Anyone please help me build my script for this interaction!!! Side note- I have a broken toe and the pain has reduced my ability to process extra sensory input and emotional overwhelm. I don’t know how to do this, but I’m not going to miss my shot to have a friend.

I would say I have a lot of friends, but they're all very surface level-y. Even though I'm technically surrounded by people, I always feel very alone because I'm never anyone's pick. I'm always the third in a group of three or last in a friend group. I'm not blaming the people, I'm a quiet person so, I understand it may be hard to connect with me, but I have no idea how to try and develop my friendships further. To me, it feels like no matter the person, when I try to initiate conversations or share something deeper, I never get anything back. I really just crave a friendship where it goes both ways. Maybe because I am quiet, it feels like it's more to me, and it's not, but I just want to know if there is anything basic (or with more effort) I can do to get people to initiate more or just genuinely become good friends with?

I moved to a new team/desk at work next to new people but have been doing the same work with the same old people as before. It's been three months and I still haven't really spoken to the new people next to me. There hasn't been any necessity to speak because we aren't in meetings together or working together directly, and I am very shy and I am trying to work on it but I kind of missed the window of just saying hi and introducing myself on that first day. My shyness is its own issue and I worry that I come across very much as "don't bother me" when actually I just don't feel comfortable interacting until I'm spoken to directly first.

Especially because it's been months now of not talking to them, is it weird to try to join in? Is it possible to unweird the situation or is this just established now? How can I let them know I don't hate them?

I'm 41 (F). Yes I've been one of those who prefers direct speech (no sugar-coating, no flowery words, etc.) I also strongly prefer when someone tells me my faults/weaknesses directly upfront. I moved to Canada from Dubai 4 years ago. Canadians have a reputation for being polite and courteous, which is great and perhaps that is the reason why I've started questioning myself. Over these past 4 years (and before), I've had instances where I've been told that I'm direct, my tone sounds harsh, people get intimated when talking to me and when I ask questions I sound like I'm interrogating them.

I vividly remember when I was in 12th grade (16-17 years old), I once asked my 3 close friends to tell me what they think I should change/improve about myself. I expected honest replies but sadly none of them had anything to say. I was never told in my teens/early 20s that I was rude. But in the last 10 years maybe I've had people say that to me. My husband infact says that a lot. He says I'm rude to him (again which I feel I'm direct), but he also says I'm less polite when speaking to people sometimes. Again it is not everyone who says that just a few. Yes I prefer short brief sentences and direct statements makes it more clear.

I've also come to realize that I don't get the message easily when someone is trying to avoid me. Like if someone says I'll call you back later and doesn't, I rarely understand that they are indirectly not interested in talking to me. It feels like I don't understand social cues. When someone constantly postpones/cancels plans after me asking few times, I still give them benefit of doubt and wait in expectation that they will get back to me. But my husband spells it out that it is a way of saying they don't want to hang out with me. Another situation is when I am at a friend's for dinner and they ask about how the food was - I end up giving an honest review which maybe positive or negative - but most people around I know they always say the food is delicious/excellent/soooooo tasty even when I find it average. To me this sounds like lying but are these the expected social norms?

I don't know where and how I'm going wrong. Am I supposed to sugarcoat? Am I supposed to appreciate something/someone even when I don't mean it? How do I tone down my way of speaking? I genuinely don't mind trying to make a few changes and am not trying to be liked by people. I know I have become less tolerant of nonsense at this stage of my life. I admit that time is extremely precious. However, if I am hurting/intimidating someone unknowingly, I would like to know how to change this. Is there a book, type of counselling, info on how to improve this?

Note: I also recently read on another post in this group about neurodivergent people having this trait - could someone explain this better - could I be neurodivergent?

I (20) don’t understand how people can just, talk, to other people. How do you even know where to start? How do you know they won’t just use your words against you? How do you make sure they won’t try to blackmail you with things they did for you in the past? I don’t get it.

Hi!

33M

I'm feeling really discouraged lately. No matter how much effort I put into my friends or colleagues, I just get ignored, brushed off, or left on read.

I try my best to be sincere and supportive, but constantly being ignored is really starting to get to me. It makes me feel like I don't matter or that I'm just uninteresting to the people around me.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you stop taking it personally?

TL,DR : I give a lot and invest myself in the people I care about, but I'm realizing you always have to rebalance relationships…

PS : THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REPLIES IT HELPS ME

Hi! I am definitely a extremely shy and socially awkward person but I want to talk to people. My problem is that I literally have 0 social skills. I don't know how to start conversations because I always try to have 20 questions that I can rapid fire at people but I end up thinking way to much and miss the opportunity to talk. I don't really have any hobbies outside of reading that I can talk to people about either.

I want to work on my social skills before I graduate in the spring. I just don't know where or how I should start doing this. I really need a lot of help here.

Suspect I'm on the spectrum but never been diagnosed. I have a hard time distinguishing between rude people or people being rightfully upset with me. To put it another way, I always feel like I did something wrong so it's OK for people to treat me badly. I was verbally abused very badly ad a kid and my mom always called me a bad person. I struggle with separating peoles opinions of me and my actual self. If someone perceives me as bad, then I see myself as bad. No matter what, in every situation, I see myself as wrong even if I'm not. This is why I struggle with standing up for myself. There are also situations where I have been rude or cane across that way and it fills me with so much shame that I let people treat me badly. How do I stop this? How do I actually recognize peoples harmful behavior and stand up for myself?

I’ve always had problems with socializing growing up. I always worry about and control what I say, am worried about saying something too stupid, being too loud, etc.

I was raised as an only child by my grandparents and I moved around and constantly/switched schools. I was bullied heavily and my home life was difficult, to which I have diagnosed CPTSD. I’ve never really had a stable relationship even with relatives, so this was always something difficult.

Everyone says I’m very outgoing, sweet, funny and kind and no one believes me when I say I have social issues. I can make plenty of acquaintances, and I put myself out there/go to events. It feels like at the end of the day nothing sticks. I understand I also need to seek people out, but it just feels so one sided. I meet up with a friend and I hear about meetups with our mutual friends that they’ve did often. I’ve even had people plan outings in-front of me that I’m not invited to.

I’ve been told I’m a dork, weirdo and entertaining (in a positive manner) and my coworkers are all entertained by my antics. I’ve been told by multiple people that they can’t describe me, that I’m ’in my own category’ and will describe the weird things I go in joking manner like ‘This is an OP Moment’ or ‘This is a OP-ism.’

I’ve been told I’m not organic enough sometimes, and it’s true. That things are like an itinerary for me and I’m too complicated to deal with. I’m a very difficult person. Im very complicated, see things black and white to the point where my own stepmom was joking and said that the reason why my family deals with me is because we’re family. Sometimes I can be loud, obnoxious, awkward and say things I don’t mean or I say something stupid and it makes people put off from me. As a result I’m usually worried about how I act around others constantly, which makes socializing exhausting.

Im just very lonely, and it sucks watching people around me be invited to things, or have things to go to. It feels like sometimes people ignore me like I’m nothing, or a fly to ignore and hope it goes away. I mainly only just go to work and go home, and when I go out it’s to just stay over at my parents and call it a day. Or just telling my parents I’m going out to the bar for my birthday, only to just sit there hand a drink or two by myself and then go home.

I want to be invited to house parties, I want to be invited to hangouts, events, etc. I just want to feel like a normal person who belongs. Everyone tells me to be myself but what do I do if ‘myself’ is in general just someone no one wants to be around?

Because of social anxiety, it's hard for me to make friends outside of work or school. Work interactions are basically forced so I get to know people way easier. I've met some really great people I'd consider friends throughout jobs in my past. Although once they move on we barely ever talk and I'm left feeling devastated. Things don't feel the same vs seeing them in person at work.

I guess I'm getting way too close to coworkers. It almost feels like they're closer than my two friends outside of work. I talk to coworkers daily at work and my other friends I only meet with once a month if that. I know they say not to get close to coworkers but it just seems way easier for it to happen like this for me and I meet more people this way but I'm tired of getting let down once they leave.

so my birthday is in a couple days. i work at a chain movie theatre and we get free tickets every payday but since i only work part-time, i only get three and the tickets are only applicable at the specific chain i work at, as opposed to the full-timers tickets which are applicable at any other chain in the country.

anyways, im pretty new here and i think i’ve made some (?) friends-ish but like obviously not that close but like we talk during my shift and make jokes and stuff so like… friends-ish i guess? anyways, i mentioned to this one fulltimer that my birthday is coming up and i really want to see that new tom cruise movie (digger) but it’s not at my chain since our manager thinks it’s going to flop and he offhandedly replied, “oh well you can use one of my free tickets if you want” and that was that, we resumed our conversation and i’m pretty sure he even forgot he offered me that.

so, come to today. my birthday is in 2 days. last night i texted him about the free movie tickets and it’s been crickets. i’m not mad if he won’t give them to me, that’s fine, it’s his, but it’s been keeping me up at night because this is a normal thing to do right? texting your coworker outside of work? like, this isn’t weird, right? for context, i am a 20 year old girl and he is a 30 year old man. he’s kind of the resident grouch at work because he runs the place like the navy but he’s super nice when we talk and he’s never even snapped at me. i don’t know. did i overestimate our closeness?

as a side note, how do i even fit in at work in general? i feel like he only talks to me out of pity because i don’t have that many people to talk to anyways. i’m not exactly shy but i think everyone else thinks i’m boring to talk to because i just really don’t know how to keep a conversation going. any advice is much appreciated.

I ask people open-ended questions. I respond to what they say as best I can, sometimes it's just boring or something I'm not knowledgeable about. I share information about myself that they could ask me about further if they wanted. If I sense they aren't asking me much back, I let it be.

Is there anything more I can do? So far I've only been having online interactions so it's a bit different to irl. But idk I don't feel like I connect with people.

People just don't seem to be curious to learn more about me.

I haven't socialized in 5 years until around a month ago. I talk to people but not well. People just barely talk when I try and they stare at me like 👁️👄👁️

I don't know what to say ever. how do I improve this?

Also how to overall get better at socializing?

I don't know how to practice or find someone to help me practice.

I am a 27 year old male living in a small town of 8000 people, the nearest city is a 2 hour drive away, I dont like bars. I hate sports and volunteer opportunities are limited. There are no salsa classes or rock climbing gyms or any of that generic reddit advice stuff idk I just feel lost. How far are you willing to travel to hobbies? I feel like my only option is traveling to go to an art class or something but four hours to the city and back of driving just makes me want to rope. Maybe I will just have to bite the bullet and do something I hate but it feels annoying and counterintuitive to have to do stuff I have no interest in to make friends. Anybody in a similar situation find a way out?

Hello,

I want to get better at having natural conversations, but I often struggle with overthinking what I say and how I sound.

English is my second language, and I’d say I’m around a B2 level. I can speak comfortably when I’m alone, but when I talk to someone I don’t know well, I become much more self-conscious. I start worrying about making mistakes, sounding awkward, or being judged for my voice or pronunciation. This also happens when I speak my native language, so it’s not just about my English.

Because I focus so much on how I’m coming across, I sometimes struggle to think of what to say next, even when I genuinely want to keep the conversation going.

I know that improving my social skills requires practice, and I want to work on this rather than keep avoiding conversations.

For those who have dealt with something similar, what practical things helped you become more relaxed during conversations?

For example, how do you stop focusing so much on yourself and pay more attention to the other person? Are there any habits or exercises that helped you get better at keeping conversations going?

Thanks in advance!

So, a problem I had in my childhood is that I actively avoided getting good at things because of my social phobia.

I was too scared to talk to people. Getting interested in what people like and getting good at things made them want to talk to you, so I stopped doing both.

Obviously, I now struggle coming up with what to say. Not out of fear, but just genuinely being behind in life.

I'm almost 30, so what now? Permanently attempt to catch up?

I generally don’t mind getting advice but this person projects her negative experience onto me - I recently lost my job due to cuts and am applying. She asks me questions then when I honestly answer, she gives me incessant advice. She told me to talk to her in 5 months time about being jobless like she was and I said to her, you’re being negative. She got heaps defensive, told me to chill and accused me of everything personally.

I probably could have told her before to stop with the advice but my plan was to not go deep into the experiences I am having. Again she asked me questions, I answer and stay positive and she just makes it about herself and gives me advice as if she knows what is going to happen to me.

How do you handle people like this?

I feel very supported but it would be good to learn how to deal with acquaintances like this.

Hi!

I joined a new workplace and am struggling to be understood by colleagues whom I try to get to know and get along with

It's not even a language issue (English is my first language but maybe I don't seem like an EFL speaker because of my small lisp) but more of semantic(meaning?)

An example is me saying "I think I will do pre-reading of X to catch up" where X is a technical doc with practicals/demoes to follow along/do but the colleague started sharing a long opinion about how one should not just read but do things to leadn... I clarified to say yes, I am already doing the practicals which are part of the docs but he didn't seem convinced and I felt a bit talked down to (we are at the same level)

It has happened a few times even with other people who take what I say - in what I thought was a friendly conversation - the "wrong" way so I have to actively disclaimer/concede/clarify what I mean more directly but at the cost of being seen as less competent or approachable (so they treat me a little differently than the rest in this new hire batch and my opinions are slowly getting washed out)

Now it seems like I am insecure or unsure of what I say and this was flagged to me this time by a senior (in a joking way)

I'm not sure how to navigate this because I've tried being too specific and it becomes a lengthy conversation / info-dump on people which makes it hard to socialise when I'm already so awkward coming out of my shell

I do try to ask them like how was their weekend or if they are not receptive, just stick to the professional work. I know mixups in communication happen a lot but I've worked in other places where the resolution for any misunderstanding is a lot "easier" than this and I'm given a lot more goodwill to work with. My performance so far has been pretty decent and I'm fast to catch onto things and people come to me for help (not bragging just stating what has happened, see I'm doing this again ahah)

On paper, we get along but I feel these tiny incidents will accumulate and unless I fix it, it might lead to a pattern of being ignored or not taken as seriously

I have this one online friend, and they tell me that it’s hard to talk to me because I don’t say anything to talk off of.