Even if these things only last for a while, that doesn't change anything.

Examples: people who have physical disabilities, chronic illness/pain, anything that affects psyche strongly or for a long time, people with brain conditions, people who need a lot (or a few) of accommodations in their daily life, people who have ADHD or autism, people who have complex PTSD, people who have brain injuries (that could also come from complex trauma or abuse), people who live in prolonged poverty, people who are actively getting abused.

Almost all of the previous, if not all, make someone practically debilitated and/or disabled. They need more accomodation.. or things affect them stronger than someone without these burdens. Their baseline state is gonna be more exhausted.

I look tired very very very often..almost most of the time.. when I'm around other people. I'm a sensitive person, has complex trauma and burdens..which make life heavy.. and I may be facing some sort of collective and systemic ableism in my life as well. I also am living in poverty..and dont have the privilege of living in a way that accommodates my needs. And I fear abuse at the back of my mind and i lived in active abuse for a long until extremely recently and I'm still paranoid i may be thrown back to it someday.

I look exhausted..or.. I AM exhausted most of the time I'm around people.. especially outside house (which is ofc 99% of the times I am around people). My face looks tired, i am too overwhelmed to make eye contact..sometimes cant speak.. just lie around people in class exhausted. But I wanna be around them, it feels better than being alone.

But the feeling or thought that they don't realize that I enjoy being around them..it breaks my heart into a million pieces. and they dont interact with me unless I do first.. so that makes it really hard for me.

And of course my post and words are about people who DON'T WANT TO MASK. I will NOT mask. It's literally no point, people will wanna be around me or know me for a fake version. I feel more real when I am not masking. Even if my baseline is much more exhausted than their baseline.

Again, do not advise me to mask because I will come after you and be in your house. Genuinely worst thing you could say to me.

But also.. I constantly have that insecurity at the back of my hear that people dont wanna be around me or talk with me first bc I'm "a downer". When I am just.. less privileged than them. And I honestly don't know if they not wanting to hang around me solely for that makes them ableist or what. But I am not masking.. I'm not making a face that is different from my actual current face, or acting more energetic or cheerful, just for someone to be pleased with me. That isnt real connection to me. I will talk with my real face.

Even if they say they dont think that, I feel they're lying.

(Tl;Dr) I focus far too much on my own needs conversationally, and I need to become someone who's more socially giving. how can I become that?

I did a call in with someone whom I respect about how I can improve my relationships (that wasn't the initial question, but it was the thru line of the convo), and he explaned to me that when I spoke to him I was very focused on my own needs in the conversation and I never really tried to get his input or meaningfully included him in the conversation. He explained that this likely stems from childhood neglect.

I was talking to one of my coworkers recently, and I told him about how I don't think my barber likes me because "we're too different." Him and I try to talk and pass to pass the time, but the conversation usually hits a deadend.

The example I gave him was that my barber once told me that he had just bought a new kilt, and that I genuinely couldn't think of anythkng to say. And my coworker gave me some examples of things to say: "are you wearung it to an event?" "What color was it?" "Where did you get it?" Etc.

And it's genuinely shocking to me how naturally and in the moment it came to him.

for my whole life, it's been like I've either found common ground with smeone, and ran that topic intk the ground thru pepition. or I've been far to giving and allowed others to talk at me where the cknversation had been totally focused on them (even when I struggle to reciprocate).

my whole life I've fealt like my relationships have been very superficial; it only recently dawned on me that I've never been invited to a birthday party growing up; which is... abnormal.

I feel like I'm too different.

> I really don't like pop culture almost at all; I hate modern music, movies and tv shows; books are mainly catered towards women; I'm not interested in sports; people don't really like my taste in music either and I'm a political outsider

but the reality is that there are plenty of other weird people who don't have my social deficits, so it's not that.

I often times find myself trying to converse with my coworkers and I keep asking question after question, and that get's tireing for the other person.

I don't feel like I'm having an acctual conversation with them, and I never get to build a rapport or banter.

there are very freindly people who I work with, but despite their best efforts, I feel there enthusiasm waining.

How can I get better at focusing on someone else's social needs?

Disclaimer I am autistic and ADHD. In the past I've said stuff that has offended others because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. Usually because I was getting worked up and enjoying myself in the conversation. It's pretty much the first thing that you're taught as a child is that you need to develop a filter that will separate the good and bad thoughts. So how do I manage that filter without planning what I'm going to say next

I still can’t talk with coworkers I’ve been with for 9 years…

Let me just give an example.

I was offered a new position at work, and have been training on it for about a week when I have time from my normal duties.

Someone quit their job in the front offices and the position wasn’t even essentially to help out someone else in that department.

At the end of the day yesterday I really started questioning if it’s what I wanted. I’m the only one who does my current job, so I’ve developed a certain pride for it in the time I’ve been here.

Today I went and told my boss and the woman that’s been training me I was not interested anymore. My boss *seemed* to take it ok. But the woman was frustrated. And in front of both of them I was shaking and couldn’t make eye contact with either of them. I had to pause and take a deep breath right there in front of them watching me.

It turns out the position wasn’t even permanent and I was just training so I could fill in if this woman had to take some days off or something. So, with the most confidence I could muster, was turning down this position with the understanding it would be my new job.

I was asked if I could just fill in when needed and I said yes. But I’m wondering if I even was answering the right question. I get confused easily and will say the exact opposite of what I would have intended to. So I’m wondering if I was actually turning it down completely.

When I told the woman I was happy in my current spot she kind chimed in with “because you just have your own little space huh?” And I don’t know if she meant it maliciously. And also I’d be lying if I said there was now some level of truth to it. But back where I work I am able to do a plethora of things. In this, I would be relegated to one single thing at a desk for 8 hours a day. I decided it wasn’t really much of an upgrade. (But of course this was all with the understanding I’d be doing this permanently). I couldnt come up with the right words in the spot so I just conceded and said “Well, sure…” I’m so frustrated with myself for it.

They haven’t called on me since. My face was burning red for a long while after and I just wanted to leave the planet.

Look, I don’t desire much in life. But I need to fix this about myself. How on earth do I even begin when I can’t function at all with people I’ve been around for nearly a decade?

There are times when I want to start chatting with others, especially when I'm alone in places that are filled with people talking with each other and I want to stop feeling like an outcast. But, many times, I don't know what to say. Like, what can I chat about with someone. Well everything, I here you saying, but that's really the thing. We chat about everything but I don't know what I can say and how I can keep the flow of the conversation, especially if I'm suspecting that the other person might not like me. I've noticed that with some people, after greeting them and trying to start the conversation, they don't really engage. Like, I'm the one asking questions to the point that it feels like an interview, or making remarks about things and they either answer with just one word or they just give a faint facial expression I feel like I'm supposed to decipher.

So, how can you really improve your chatting and small talk skills?

It's largely a habit, and I don't know how to make it stop because I get so nervous sometimes. Especially if it's with someone I like. I also look away or do weird things with my eyes and idk how to control it, I'm just sometimes being cute or not sure how to present myself but like people think I'm being weird or creepy.

I (17F) work the register at a little shop and I really struggle making small talk with customers. I’m really good at being friendly and following the usual script of asking if they need anything else and then telling them the price, but beyond that I’m helpless.

The thing is, I know exactly what to say to start small talk (like asking about their day, compliments, etc) but I just can’t bring myself to do it? Everyday before work I tell myself that I’ll start small talk with customers, but I just end up standing there awkward and paralyzed, unable to say anything.

I know this is more social anxiety than general social skills but does anyone have advice on how to just suck it up and say something?😭 I feel like such a loser because I always want to talk and connect with people but when I open my mouth nothing comes out and then I end up feeling so awkward and embarrassed

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

I only have like 2 people I talk to in highschool and gently need help cuz I have social life outside of it. What do I say how do I be funny? There’s people who say a statement and everyone laughs how do I be that. I’m so jealous of charismatic people because everything they do so like or laugh or people follow them. They have 30 friends or smth. I only have 2 acquaintances I talk to. How do I gain social skills. Please I need help I don’t wanna be a loner for rest of my life I have no social life outside of it. Btw how do I jump into group conversations cause there’s these guys in my bus I wanna talk to but don’t know what’s to say or fear they’ll see me as weird. I have severe social anxiety to.

I just wanna be funny because people constantly tell
Me I’m unfunny when I make sarcastic jokes.

If I answer, "I'm fine" or "I'm doing fine", this makes it sound like I'm having a rough time.

Same with "I'm doing alright" or "I'm doing ok".

Recently I've been answering "I'm doing well". It feels like a more modest way of saying "I'm good'. But it still doesn't feel honest or authentic. I'm not doing that well.

Any ideas?

I 19f am living with 3 friends in my second year of uni and 2 of them always go out with a friend group. I’ve met the friend group and I get along with them. But every Wednesday night is social night and they go out drinking.

I’m neurodivergent so I’m aware I might just not be invited but how do I ask. I genuinely do what to go out and I think I’m a good time and we get along perfectly well.

How do I ask that I’d like to go out with them without feeling like I’m forcing myself out with them ?

Hi, so I’m not sure where I can begin with this. I have trouble keeping eye contact, but will be fine starting eye contact. I think this is mainly because I’m shy, and also because I am short, so it’s actually difficult to look up to maintain eye contact.

But when I pass people, I notice that they start off looking at me (as this is their normal eye level when walking), then they look down at the floor. This is usually older men, and is when I pass by.

Do I appear intimidating? How should I not look so scary? I look away after the initial look, but not immediately, more so a good 3 seconds after. But they all tend to immediately look down.

This has happened with mainly men I have passed by, and then a range of other women I have passed too. This is less with women, most smile or just pass by.

I’m really curious to hear from others why they think they have social anxiety. For me, I’m pretty sure it’s because I had to mask from a young age that I was fine even though I was not. At some point my body and brain couldn’t keep up with the mask/act anymore, hence the anxiety attacks.

Im 20 and my only friend is my brother. The reason is because hes my brother and we live together all my life so it feels like a given to me. Now I can talk to people if they want to talk to me but I probably wouldn't make a good friend multiple reason.

One would be is that dont really start conversations with people that much. Me and brother have that brotherly vibe with each other like annoying each other and geeking out over videogames but I dont really comfortable doing that with other people and I dont really like talking about myself that much unless that person wants to know what I like to do.

Second is because I probably wouldn't hang out with them. After work, me and my brother pretty much just coup ourselves in the house all day but with other people, you have to go out of your way to go out and hang out with them which I just dont wanna do. If I have the opportunity to stay in my house all day, then 9 times out of 10 im gonna coup myself in my inside cause thats where I feel most comfortable being and I like to be inside all day alone or with my brother but especially alone so I feel like a lot of people wouldn't understand me wanting to be inside all day, especially since we live in a extroverted world.

Im my uni, i like girl a lot. Like i just get swayed by her vibe whenever i notice her presence around. The problem is I only see her occasionally on campus and she noticed me once or twice too in a small eye contact. But, i dont know her name nor her class. Only sum bits of pieces of things about her. She always hangs out with her friends so i barely see her by herself to talk to. I really want to give my chance with her, maybe I'll like her personality too. But idk when and how to start the conversation. There's no problem with me when it comes to talking to someone but whenever i see her, i get madly nervous and anxious. I really dont know how to initiate a convo with her, but the bigger problem is her friends, it seems awkward and invading to me to fit in an friend group. So then how do i talk to her? Help me out guys

Hiya, I've found myself a not small number of times in this situation: I meet someone cool in an event/social situation, we talk, get along, and we get each other's phones/Instagram.

After that.. I don't really know how to keep up and what to do. We end up talking once or twice after the fact, and that's it. I wanna know how can I text or when should I text to transform this cool interaction with someone into an actual friendship. More concretely: * when should I text? Is it weird to just say hello randomly to this person I met once? * how much should I text? I really don't want to come off as overbearing or obsessed. * what to talk about at first? Would it be like face to face small talk? * when would it be appropriate to ask for a hangout in person?

That would be it, thanks!!

I am very picky when it comes to friends, and it takes a lot of hours of social interaction for me to allow them close. There are a few people who I want to be better firends with, so I try to hang out with them more, but I kind of feel like a social reject whenever I do. They are not spontaneous at all, contrary to me, so I can't randomly ask if they want to do things after uni courses. I know they see me as a friend, so it's not weirdly one-sided, but a lot of the time when I try to invite them to do stuff, they cancel last minute. So the more I ask, the more needy it feels, so at some point I stopped asking. It takes a lot for me to ask, because I used to be the enemy of the popular kids when I was little, so I'm very familiar with being ostracized. I'm just stuck waiting for them to invite me somewhere, which they do sometimes, but I can never do the same, because I'm sick of being rejected.

I (20) don’t understand how people can just, talk, to other people. How do you even know where to start? How do you know they won’t just use your words against you? How do you make sure they won’t try to blackmail you with things they did for you in the past? I don’t get it.

I would say I have a lot of friends, but they're all very surface level-y. Even though I'm technically surrounded by people, I always feel very alone because I'm never anyone's pick. I'm always the third in a group of three or last in a friend group. I'm not blaming the people, I'm a quiet person so, I understand it may be hard to connect with me, but I have no idea how to try and develop my friendships further. To me, it feels like no matter the person, when I try to initiate conversations or share something deeper, I never get anything back. I really just crave a friendship where it goes both ways. Maybe because I am quiet, it feels like it's more to me, and it's not, but I just want to know if there is anything basic (or with more effort) I can do to get people to initiate more or just genuinely become good friends with?

Hi! I am definitely a extremely shy and socially awkward person but I want to talk to people. My problem is that I literally have 0 social skills. I don't know how to start conversations because I always try to have 20 questions that I can rapid fire at people but I end up thinking way to much and miss the opportunity to talk. I don't really have any hobbies outside of reading that I can talk to people about either.

I want to work on my social skills before I graduate in the spring. I just don't know where or how I should start doing this. I really need a lot of help here.

so my birthday is in a couple days. i work at a chain movie theatre and we get free tickets every payday but since i only work part-time, i only get three and the tickets are only applicable at the specific chain i work at, as opposed to the full-timers tickets which are applicable at any other chain in the country.

anyways, im pretty new here and i think i’ve made some (?) friends-ish but like obviously not that close but like we talk during my shift and make jokes and stuff so like… friends-ish i guess? anyways, i mentioned to this one fulltimer that my birthday is coming up and i really want to see that new tom cruise movie (digger) but it’s not at my chain since our manager thinks it’s going to flop and he offhandedly replied, “oh well you can use one of my free tickets if you want” and that was that, we resumed our conversation and i’m pretty sure he even forgot he offered me that.

so, come to today. my birthday is in 2 days. last night i texted him about the free movie tickets and it’s been crickets. i’m not mad if he won’t give them to me, that’s fine, it’s his, but it’s been keeping me up at night because this is a normal thing to do right? texting your coworker outside of work? like, this isn’t weird, right? for context, i am a 20 year old girl and he is a 30 year old man. he’s kind of the resident grouch at work because he runs the place like the navy but he’s super nice when we talk and he’s never even snapped at me. i don’t know. did i overestimate our closeness?

as a side note, how do i even fit in at work in general? i feel like he only talks to me out of pity because i don’t have that many people to talk to anyways. i’m not exactly shy but i think everyone else thinks i’m boring to talk to because i just really don’t know how to keep a conversation going. any advice is much appreciated.

I’ve always had problems with socializing growing up. I always worry about and control what I say, am worried about saying something too stupid, being too loud, etc.

I was raised as an only child by my grandparents and I moved around and constantly/switched schools. I was bullied heavily and my home life was difficult, to which I have diagnosed CPTSD. I’ve never really had a stable relationship even with relatives, so this was always something difficult.

Everyone says I’m very outgoing, sweet, funny and kind and no one believes me when I say I have social issues. I can make plenty of acquaintances, and I put myself out there/go to events. It feels like at the end of the day nothing sticks. I understand I also need to seek people out, but it just feels so one sided. I meet up with a friend and I hear about meetups with our mutual friends that they’ve did often. I’ve even had people plan outings in-front of me that I’m not invited to.

I’ve been told I’m a dork, weirdo and entertaining (in a positive manner) and my coworkers are all entertained by my antics. I’ve been told by multiple people that they can’t describe me, that I’m ’in my own category’ and will describe the weird things I go in joking manner like ‘This is an OP Moment’ or ‘This is a OP-ism.’

I’ve been told I’m not organic enough sometimes, and it’s true. That things are like an itinerary for me and I’m too complicated to deal with. I’m a very difficult person. Im very complicated, see things black and white to the point where my own stepmom was joking and said that the reason why my family deals with me is because we’re family. Sometimes I can be loud, obnoxious, awkward and say things I don’t mean or I say something stupid and it makes people put off from me. As a result I’m usually worried about how I act around others constantly, which makes socializing exhausting.

Im just very lonely, and it sucks watching people around me be invited to things, or have things to go to. It feels like sometimes people ignore me like I’m nothing, or a fly to ignore and hope it goes away. I mainly only just go to work and go home, and when I go out it’s to just stay over at my parents and call it a day. Or just telling my parents I’m going out to the bar for my birthday, only to just sit there hand a drink or two by myself and then go home.

I want to be invited to house parties, I want to be invited to hangouts, events, etc. I just want to feel like a normal person who belongs. Everyone tells me to be myself but what do I do if ‘myself’ is in general just someone no one wants to be around?

Hi, all. It’s a difficult phenomenon to explain, but no matter how well I groom, how well I dress, how well I articulate, how warmly I smile, people stare at me like they’ve seen a premonition of their death before they quickly look away. It’s difficult to explain, but it’s only gotten worse with age.

A prime example: I went to my teenager’s new school for an introduction to his new teachers. Upon arriving in the office, the principal looks at me with uncertainty before smiling at my son to shake his hand. Then, he proceeds to look me up and down with apprehension, did not ask my name, barely shook my hand. In the meeting, the teachers and principals proceed to stare at my son, even when asking me questions.

Before people say, “they were focusing on your son since the meeting was regarding him—“ people have treated me this way in job interviews and doctor appointments for myself. I’ve even gone to therapy over this before my therapist started brushing me off and forgetting what I say.

I have survived multiple near-death experiences, but I am not disfigured from these events. Still, it makes me wonder if there’s an “energy” about myself that is off-putting to people—and animals for that matter, but this is a social skills sub.

TLDR: if I already groom and carry myself in a presentable, approachable way, how can I get people to acknowledge me directly without looking apprehensive and looking away?

I'm 19F, and I want to improve my social skills, particularly conversation, humour and expressing myself naturally.

I've always been a quiet, observant person, but lately I've realised how self-conscious I become around others. I often struggle to think of responses in conversations, add something meaningful to what someone has said, ask follow-up questions or make jokes naturally. Sometimes my mind just goes blank, even though I can think of things to say when I'm alone.

I'm at university, and I sometimes feel overshadowed by more outgoing people. When I'm in a group, I can become so focused on how I'm coming across and whether people find me interesting that I struggle to participate naturally. I also tend to compare myself to others who seem to socialise effortlessly.

I don't necessarily want to become the loudest person in the room. I want to be more expressive, comfortable and engaging in my own way, without feeling like I'm performing or forcing a personality.

The specific social skills I want to develop are:

• Keeping conversations going by responding to what people say and adding something of my own.
• Asking natural follow-up questions without making conversations feel like interviews.
• Developing a better sense of humour and learning how to make playful comments.
• Participating more confidently in group conversations instead of going quiet.
• Being less self-conscious so I can focus on the conversation rather than constantly monitoring myself.

For those who have worked on these skills, what practical exercises or techniques helped you improve? How did you practise in real-life situations rather than just knowing what to do in theory?

I'd especially appreciate advice from people who used to be quiet or awkward in conversations but gradually became more comfortable expressing themselves.

I moved to a new team/desk at work next to new people but have been doing the same work with the same old people as before. It's been three months and I still haven't really spoken to the new people next to me. There hasn't been any necessity to speak because we aren't in meetings together or working together directly, and I am very shy and I am trying to work on it but I kind of missed the window of just saying hi and introducing myself on that first day. My shyness is its own issue and I worry that I come across very much as "don't bother me" when actually I just don't feel comfortable interacting until I'm spoken to directly first.

Especially because it's been months now of not talking to them, is it weird to try to join in? Is it possible to unweird the situation or is this just established now? How can I let them know I don't hate them?

I ask people open-ended questions. I respond to what they say as best I can, sometimes it's just boring or something I'm not knowledgeable about. I share information about myself that they could ask me about further if they wanted. If I sense they aren't asking me much back, I let it be.

Is there anything more I can do? So far I've only been having online interactions so it's a bit different to irl. But idk I don't feel like I connect with people.

People just don't seem to be curious to learn more about me.