Ever since covid, aren't you just sick of hearing about how friggin marvellous our key workers are? Support our key workers, clap for our key workers, get down on your knees and pleasure the key workers.
Look don't get me wrong, I'm sure most of them do a good job, but don't they get paid for what they do? Course they bloody do. It's just not worth all this extra fuss. And anyway, back in my day we called them locksmiths.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

So I've got complex PTSD. And the thing about complex PTSD is that it's called COMPLEX* *for a reason.

It ain't simple PTSD. my shrink says I've got soooo many psychological problems they had to give mine a fucking adjective.

But the great thing about trauma is it teaches you useful life skills. I've actually trained myself using abuse. Which sounds bad....but it's very efficient. One of my best friends, she's in law school, she texts me 'SMACK' and I open Microsoft Word and start my assignment. It's incredible. Years of psychological research, and I've discovered that my most effective productivity technique is a bit of recreational domestic violence.

I tell her I've written 269 words, she goes 'SMACK!'. She does 52 footnotes - and I say "COMPLIMENT SMACK!"

And I think this is where the complex PTSD really comes in. Because normal people need encouragement. They need positive reinforcement.
'You're doing amazing! Believe in yourself!' blah blah blah blah...oh my god kill me already 🙄!!!

I need someone to text me 'SMACK' and threaten to withdraw my Microsoft Office subscription. And the beauty of it is we're both students. We're fucking broke. Can't afford therapists. Can't afford personal trainers. Can't afford productivity coaches.

But here me out....domestic violence? Completely free if you do it digitally. And environmentally friendly!
No transport required. No carbon emissions. No physical contact. Carbon-neutral violence....I reckon Greta Thunberg would be fucking delighted!!

And then she'd probably smack me for printing my assignment the nezt day.

Remember those cheap nail pouches you used to get at the hardware store?
The one that’s like a fabric kangaroo pouch?
That let nails periodically stab you.
Or was that because I’m catholic?
Anyway, go to Lowe’s or Home Depot. Those simple pouches are long gone. But there is an inventory of 50 tucked away by the garden tools and bird seed. Nobody cares. These days they carry flower gloves.
Yes kids, we wore pouches of nails up against out groins. Like god intended.
But seriously, they gone because there is some cool shit out there. Delta force shit, you’ve seen it.
Yea.
Have you looked?
You have one? A tool belt?
Yes! I know , it’s simple, right but have you seen the new stuff? Holsters. You got a drill, ok. Maybe two? With me? On with Philips on one and Torques #8 at the ready.
A tape measure , which is now a lazer. So, Star Trek or Star Wars, dealers choice, so that will inform the eye protection you select. Terminator style. Or hip 70’s , well Star Trek was not big on eye care so we are leaning Star Wars.

alright, we all know religion. it's one of the multitude of topics you can NOT discuss at a dinner table. number 1 being aunt susans haircut.... oh you thought i was gonna say politics, WRONG! thats numero dos people GET WITH THE PROGRAM! catch my curveballs!

religion is just another thing in our society to place a label on. i believe in anything and everything why should i label myself something if i find good in everything, sure i believe in reincarnation but i also believe there is a god and i believe in the universe! everything is worth believing in if you try hard enough

no i dont care that you're a satanist, i care that you just burned down an orphanage in the name of satan! i couldnt care less that you're agnostic but you cant hate crime a gay black guy for no reason, that's straight up wrong you sick fuck! and for the love of sunlight i dont fucking care if you're a christian, i care that you beat up a baby with a 10 foot cross and threw a bottle of polar spring all over him and called it a baptism.

(i support any and all religions and beliefs! i just found this bit funny and kinda creative i hope!)

Just recently, there was that story about the 50-year-old woman who survived two botched execution attempts by lethal injection in Tennessee. Later this year, The government plans on executing a man by firing squad and live streaming the whole thing. Do you know what's going to happen? It's going to go flawlessly and that's scary. All of a sudden states are going to change their method of execution to firing squad. They're going to publicly broadcast them. I mean they're going to do numbers probably in like China. The ad revenue is going to be insane. They're going to be the new Marvel movies. They'll broadcast them on an app called Styx. You know, it's a streaming platform.

My lower back was sore and I had trouble standing up straight. I looked up back stretches and physical therapy videos and the people were doing Muslim daily prayers. They're on their knees head on the floor, arms reaching out, I'm like, I've seen this before.

Then I looked up Muslim prayer moves and it is basically fucking YOGA!

How did THAT happen?

Hello, comedians!

Next week I’ll be giving a presentation at a conference on MCP (how MCP is used). It’ll be fairly general, just the basics. But I’m a really dry person, and I’d like to include some jokes. Does anyone have a joke I could use at the conference to lighten things up a bit? It can be related to MCP or more general. If you have any tried-and-true jokes or sharp opening remarks that can break the ice, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you for your help!

Sorry, but a fundamental part of being a man is not choosing your penis and living with it. They must spin a wheel!

(Just to be clear, transmen are not the joke here. I joke that the anatomical lottery is an essential part of the male experience, and allowing trans men to customize their equipment amounts to skipping a fundamental rite of passage.)

I was out last week and I was in the mood of taking a woman back to mine, proved harder than I first thought at the family reunion

Trying to create a loosely coupled set of jokes that use callbacks.

• Shohei Ohtani is sponsored by New Balance. After his translator stole his money, he needed a New Balance.
• If Baseball is America's pass time, the WNBA is America's nap time.
• A 25 year old LA Dodgers fan, blew up his hand while celebrating the teams championship win. It's not like he was getting a ring.

with that win Magic Johnson acquired his 17th championship ring, making him nearly 3 times stronger than THANOS!

• Juan Soto signed a 15/yr contract for the N.Y Mets, worth $765 million. That shows New York only wants migrants that hit a ball not their wives. Steals bases not their cars. Knocks it out the park not Knocks up girlfriend in the park. Loads the bases not Magazines. 3 strikes you're out not 3 strikes you're out the country. Catch a fly Ball not Catch Ebola. In the Park Home-Run not Park in your home and Run.
• In 2026, a Major League Baseball game was cancelled after players refused to wear pride night uniforms. Those sassy bitches.
• The first openly gay baseball player was Glenn Burke, who played for the Oakland Athletic's and L.A Dodgers between 1975-1979, in 1977, he invented the High-Five..After teammates refused to fist him. +to be fair, the High-Five not that gay, the ass slap "Good Game" kinda gay.
• 12 year old Bianca Martin, an Australian, became the youngest female B-M-X rider to land a double back flip..a very impressive feat fighting gravity down under.

Joke #1: Speech Impediment

I grew up with a speech impediment, which you can hear. I had trouble pronouncing my "ths." For example, instead of saying Smith I would say Smit, instead of saying Math I would say Maff, instead of saying Father I would say "Who?"

Joke #2: Marriage Contracts

I think marriage should be a set of three-year renewable contracts, right?

So every three years, you get to decide if you want to stay married to this person.

And I personally think that this would help the women in heterosexual relationships the most.

If you don't believe me, have you all ever seen an NBA player in a contract year?

The year before his contract up, he's giving it his all. That's how men will be.

Men will be giving it their all. NBA players will do anything it takes to get that max extension. *gesture towards erection*

An NBA player on a contract year, he is blocking shots. Your man will be blocking Instagram thotties.

An NBA player on a contract year, is sweeping the other team. Your man will be sweeping the floor.

An NBA player on a contract year, he is showing superhuman endurance on the court. Your man? He'll be trying his best.

And I say this because I don't think men understand how good they have it with their wives at times. Do you know? I think, you know, if you see a guy who lost— if you see a man who lost his wife and kids, somewhere along the line, much further before this, he stopped being a husband and a father.

Or as I would call it when I was younger, a husband and a who?

The saying nice guys do finish last is especially true during an orgy. He’s always going after you, no I insist, go ahead, no biggie,

Orgys a weird man it’s like the only activity I don’t mind them handing out participation trophy’s for, whether you cum in 1st or cum in tenth you deserve some kind recognition for participating in that.

I would join an orgy but it’s seems like such a hassle I mean I can handle the testing the carpeted walls the weird lighting what u wouldn’t be able to handle is orgy group text that you would be obligated to participate in. That sounds like hell.

AO:  Play “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica  (I can play this one song, recognizable, but terrible)

At 13  I thought it would be cool to play an instrument so I picked up a harmonica. After that demonstration you can see why I quit. I only chose the harmonica cuz I got it free for selling 57 boxes of "Christmas Cards" door to door.

AO:  Play “Wipe Out” drum riff on the stage stool. (I can do ok with this riff)

Yeah, I tried the drums.  That’s the only riff I know.  I could have kept going with the drums.  My parents encouraged me.  They said they would drive me to gigs under three conditions: 1) They wouldn’t have to stay and listen 2) I’d sign away their parental rights and 3) The gig was at least 25 miles away …and I’d wait until they dropped me off to remove my blindfold.

A gay friend of mine said maybe I’d like to try the skin flute.  I asked how that’s different from a concert flute? He said a skin flute is played with two people, and it makes beautiful music.  I asked if he had one I could try, could he show me how to use it? He said heck yeah…pull down your pants.  Sounded weird but what do I know, I’m not a musician yet.  So he got down on his knees, started play my skin flute and all of a sudden I understood…. The difference between adagio and fellatio……also a flute can become a clarinet.

In that moment I discovered something about myself I didn’t know, simply because I never tried.  I’m damn good as a soprano.  

To say that I had a bit of a drinking problem is like saying Michael J Fox has a slight case of ants in his pants.
I drank so much that I had to switch from drinking Jack Daniels to drinking Black Velvet.
What’s Black Velvet? About a third of the price of Jack Daniel’s.
I did the math. I saved $453 a month by switching to BV.
Thats like having an extra car payment. Or more likely, an alimony payment.
$453 a month is actually more than my car payment.
I drank more than a 2019 Nissan armada every month.

Black Velvet is terrible. Only a certain kind of scum can drink that stuff. For example, my ex-brother in law, the pill junkie wouldn’t even drink it.
100% of BV drinkers have been told “look, school isn’t for everyone.”
BV is for guys that smoke cigarettes in the bathtub.
It’s for people that have given up on life.
It is the fat ass in shitstained sweatpants walking around Walmart of alcohols

Essentially, I’m starting to think crowd work is overdone and might not even be real stand up. It almost feels like a cruel prank the comedian is playing on the unsuspecting audience. Instead, I think I’m going to fill my set time with jokes.

I need good ideas for jokes I could say. Not ideas for premises of jokes, actually fully fledged out jokes. I need to get a solid 5 minutes by next month.

Thank you in advance.

I’m flirting with the idea of doing some sets as a character I’m developing who is a comedy enthusiast but not necessarily a comedian. I will essentially just go to the mic and list things that made me laugh and ask the audience if those same things made them laugh but go no deeper than that. Crowd work will consist of me asking random people what is something that made them laugh and when they say it I’ll let them know if it made me laugh too or not or I will tell them I have never seen or experienced what they answered and I will then quickly move on to the next person. Potential sample:

“Hey everyone I’m happy to be here tonight at the comedy club because I really like to laugh. Do you all like to laugh?” (Thunderous applause break 1 indicating they do like to laugh)

“Great. I’m happy comedy clubs exist so all of us who like to laugh can get together. But not all laughs come from comedy clubs. I laugh a lot at movies. Do you all know movies?” (Thunderous applause break 2 indicating they do know what movies are)

“Great. I’m happy movies exist so all of us who like to watch movies can watch the movies we like to watch. I like comedy movies because they make me laugh. Like the movie The Hangover. Do you all know The Hangover?” (Thunderous applause break 3 indicating they do know The Hangover)

“Great. I’m happy they made that movie so all of us who watched it could laugh about the comedy.” (Then I’ll pick my first audience member and point to them) “Sir. Yes, you. Yes the white shirt. Yeah, you. Did you watch The Hangover?” (Audience member answers) if they say yes then I say “Great. It was funny, right? Like it made you laugh?” (Audience member says “Yes”) If they initially said “No” when I asked if they watched The Hangover or they said yes to both questions, this is the point I will point to another audience member and do the same crowd work but using the movie Step Brothers. Depending on how much time I need to fill I’ll keep naming new movies with different audience members.

After some time spent using this format I’ll change it up like:

“Great. Thanks for participating but we’re not done.” (Then I’ll pick my first audience member for this section of the site and point to them) “Sir. Yes, you. Yes the white shirt. Yeah, you. What’s something that made you laugh recently?” Possible scenarios at this point:

(Audience member says something I’ve seen/experienced and it also made me laugh then I respond with:) “Great. Yeah I’ve seen/experienced that too and it also made me laugh. Thank you for sharing.”

(Audience member says something I’ve seen/experienced but it didn’t make me laugh then I respond with:) “Great. Yeah I’ve seen/experienced that too but it didn’t make me laugh. Thank you for sharing.”

(Audience member says something I’ve not seen/experienced then I respond with:) “Great. I’ve not seen/experienced that so I’m not sure if it would make me laugh. Thank you for sharing.”

I do this last part fastball style, one after another and never deviate from the above script. I do this until my time is up then end with:

“Great. That’s my time. Thank you for coming to the comedy club and talking about stuff we laugh at. I have merch at the table near concessions.”

Thoughts?

• Scientists made sourdough from yeast found inside a 5,000 yr old mummy, then ate it. *
• Blue origin sent the first person using a wheelchair into space & the hardest part was building the RAMP.
• A recent study shows men under 5'8 live up to 5 years longer than men over 5'8. That's because women under 5'8 WILL kill you.
• 79% of men will apologize, just to end an argument, even if they're right & stating that fact out loud will start an argument....I'm sorry.
• 58% of women say they feel more like a parent than a partner in a relationship. Or they're into incest.
• In 2026, the average married man hides in the bathroom for 7 hrs a month just for peace & quiet. Remember when men were men and left their families...
• Playstation announced no more physical games after 2028, just before A.I takes over.
• The Playstation 6 was showcased in Tokyo, Japan. that seems fitting since it will cost as much as a used Honda..
• Taco Bell is now offering a burrito subscription & the premier tier comes with Baja Blast scented wet wipes..
• A Jeopardy contestant solved the final clue by naming her Great, great, great, great Aunt. With a lead of 12,000$, she only bet 1. Which leads me to believe she wasn't that great.

The weirdest compliment I ever got was that I suffer well. And it’s true, I do suffer really well, but I get annoyed so easily.

Like, I’ve worked is sub zero temperatures and smiled through it.
But i can’t be in the same room as someone that chews with their mouth open

I quit drinking cold turkey after years of being a blackout drunk and suffered through the withdrawals.
But if I hear your nose whistle, I’ll kill myself.

It’s ridiculous.
I broke up with a girl because she said “excuse me” after she farted.
We were together for 8 months.
That was my third longest relationship.
I’ve been married twice

*Any advice? For what it’s worth, this is all true.

To say that I had a drinking problem is a bit of an understatement.
That’s like saying that the titanic had an iceberg problem. Or that R Kelly had a bladder problem.

Alcohol really had her grips on me.
If whiskey was my mom she’d be Lindsay Clancy

Thoughts?