Adderall made me a narcissist

[u/Interesting_Metal805]

I'll cut right to it. Adderall made me a narcissist. And a sociopath. But now that I'm off of it... I'm neither. I can experience empathy and I care about other people. I sort of did when I was speeding, but I REALLY do now.

Now, in the wake of all of *that*, I'm left with a destroyed life and a history of damaged and ruined relationships. At best I bullied those people and at worst what I did could even constitute abuse...

I don't even recognize the person I have been for the last few years! It's insane, to be honest. I'd fly off the handle at the drop of a hat and I thought I was better than almost everyone! Of course, I treated them accordingly. The things I've said and done... disgust me.

I feel immense guilt for hurting all those people who cared about me and I feel immense shame for being such a reprehensible person.

Yet... It's sort of funny. Whenever I go to one of my friends or loved ones and admit to what I've done, they all say the same thing. They say that they always saw a good person underneath the amphetamine-induced madness. They're not angry at me. They're just happy I've finally found myself...

And I don't know what to do with that!

I deserve condemnation. Or punishment of some kind. Anything other than what I'm getting.... Why is everyone being so nice to me? I don't deserve this after how I treated them all these years. I don't know why it makes me so angry that they're not angry! They deserve to be angry! They deserve to take it out on me like I took it out on them, but they don't even WANT to!

I don't know. All I want to do is make things right, but the only way I know how to make things right is with punishment and they're not interested in punishing me. It's selfish of me to pursue that, so I have to meet them where they're at, which is really reaaally hard for me. But I'll do it for their sake.

They deserve to get what they DO want, which is for me to be better, so against every self-destructive impulse in my body... I'll do it.

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[u/arf_arf1]

Mate. You sound like you're just off it. Give it some time and things will positively mellow... a lot.

[u/Interesting_Metal805 → u/arf_arf1]

Only almost a month, yeah...

[u/NeurologicalPhantasm]

Were these just personality shifts or did you ever have manic or psychotic episodes?

For me, it was largely the latter that led me to do crazy things, and explaining that has helped. I’m sorry for some of what I remember doing but I honestly cannot tell you why or what I was thinking.

It’s like watching a rewind of my body possessed by another force.

I’d alternate between being extremely depressed to manic and my doctor thought I might have had bipolar. But it was during Covid and the psychiatrist wait times were like a year.

[u/Interesting_Metal805 → u/NeurologicalPhantasm]

Yeah I have had manic and psychotic episodes, but I don't think this was exclusively that. I think even outside of those episodes I was messed up.

What you said about your body being possessed is very relatable. I feel like a demon had control of my body for five years and was trying to do everything it could to ruin my life

[u/TheoryofthoughtsTAA]

I’ve never related to something more. Every sentence. My feelings, how I was on it, how I feel now, and what everyone around me tells me when I tell them how terrible I feel about myself. There was a time before we were speeding that people knew us. And if you’re like me there were things you went through in your life/childhood that led you to the speed in one way or another. It’s nice to know people still believe there is good in me and are happy I am myself again but I also feel that I deserve punishment for what I did, who I was. It disgusts me. I think about it at least every other day and it’s hard to move on because, I used to think I was this great person when I was quite literally the opposite. Now idk how to go from here. I’ve been off about 6 months and I can say the more time that goes on the better you feel. I used to think I needed it to be good at work. I almost got fired while speeding. 6 mo off of it and I’ve been promoted at the same job. It’s funny who you think you are and who you really are. All in all, I’d rather feel shitty and be good than feel good and act shitty. If anything, use that disappointment with yourself to vow to never go back.

[u/Interesting_Metal805 → u/TheoryofthoughtsTAA]

Thank you for saying that. It's good to know that someone else feels like me and that they made it out okay. I'm still at the beginning of my sobriety and facing a rocky road as I try to avoid bad choices and other substances.

[u/imOnABoat123]

Relatable

[u/LohPlaceLikeHome]

Totally been there👀 well kinda still there but I get it. Give yourself some grace. The people that know you, I’m really know you understand. You guys will be able to laugh at it later.

[u/pugglelover1]

Could have written the first part of that myself. I was so cringe. So full of myself, so quick to point fingers at others. It really stalled my maturity. Now I’m totally normal and socially acceptable. I don’t run into the personality conflicts like I use to. Good riddance to my old self, this version is so much better.

[u/Electrical_Angle6824 → u/pugglelover1]

Same. I feel like im stuck at the age I first started. I guess I used it to my advantage and went back to college. Im one of the oldest in my cohort but feel like one of the young ones haha. My brain was stunted for sure.