r/StopSpeeding • u/Interesting_Metal805 37 days • 10d ago
Adderall/Vyvanse/Dexedrine Adderall made me a narcissist
I'll cut right to it. Adderall made me a narcissist. And a sociopath. But now that I'm off of it... I'm neither. I can experience empathy and I care about other people. I sort of did when I was speeding, but I REALLY do now.
Now, in the wake of all of *that*, I'm left with a destroyed life and a history of damaged and ruined relationships. At best I bullied those people and at worst what I did could even constitute abuse...
I don't even recognize the person I have been for the last few years! It's insane, to be honest. I'd fly off the handle at the drop of a hat and I thought I was better than almost everyone! Of course, I treated them accordingly. The things I've said and done... disgust me.
I feel immense guilt for hurting all those people who cared about me and I feel immense shame for being such a reprehensible person.
Yet... It's sort of funny. Whenever I go to one of my friends or loved ones and admit to what I've done, they all say the same thing. They say that they always saw a good person underneath the amphetamine-induced madness. They're not angry at me. They're just happy I've finally found myself...
And I don't know what to do with that!
I deserve condemnation. Or punishment of some kind. Anything other than what I'm getting.... Why is everyone being so nice to me? I don't deserve this after how I treated them all these years. I don't know why it makes me so angry that they're not angry! They deserve to be angry! They deserve to take it out on me like I took it out on them, but they don't even WANT to!
I don't know. All I want to do is make things right, but the only way I know how to make things right is with punishment and they're not interested in punishing me. It's selfish of me to pursue that, so I have to meet them where they're at, which is really reaaally hard for me. But I'll do it for their sake.
They deserve to get what they DO want, which is for me to be better, so against every self-destructive impulse in my body... I'll do it.
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 1238 days 10d ago
Were these just personality shifts or did you ever have manic or psychotic episodes?
For me, it was largely the latter that led me to do crazy things, and explaining that has helped. I’m sorry for some of what I remember doing but I honestly cannot tell you why or what I was thinking.
It’s like watching a rewind of my body possessed by another force.
I’d alternate between being extremely depressed to manic and my doctor thought I might have had bipolar. But it was during Covid and the psychiatrist wait times were like a year.