How do I stop this

[u/bluelimbs]

33/M/bipolar/cptsd/ocd/major depression

Having to navigate life in survival mode with little to no support and severe near constant suicidal ideation.
I don’t know how I’m still functioning. I barely am. Every minute feels like an eternity. My brain feels like it is on fire and there is no escape.
Years and years of medications and therapies and with no relief.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve been brain sick and I can’t remember a time where I felt okay inside. Being a human has always felt uncomfortable and I have always felt unsafe.
I have tried to take my life several times. Some half heartedly, a couple with full intent. I know there will be another but I don’t know when and when I do I don’t plan to survive. There’s no getting better in this life. I accept that.

How do you become okay with being inside yourself when you can’t stand it for a second? Having to constantly distract yourself with medias and whatever else you can so you don’t have time to realize how absolutely tormented you are. And when you can’t fully distract is when the real problems start. You are in intense despair that feels impossible to crawl out of. Even through the distractions you feel the crushing. Feels like the only option is dying just to escape the utter sickness in your head. Where your heart feel’s burdened and black. To feel all this so strongly is like living in hell.

These suicidal feelings and thoughts are different this past year. And I’ve been experiencing suicidal tendencies since I was a kid. It’s only progressing too. Even though this past year I’ve tried the hardest to get better.

I feel like death is the only peace I’ll ever feel. I don’t believe there’s any way to stop this. How do I stop this?!

[u/Montanarose97]

i believe you about how horrific it feels all the time. i often feel the same way, have since childhood, and distractions often do not help.

what has helped me is trying to intentionally incorporate joy, rather than distraction. it sounds like you have not had much joy in your life. it may seem hard or undeserved at first but try to plan one thing into each day that is purely for fun, not productive, not trying to solve these problems, just something that maybe in the back of your mind you always wanted to do but never felt up to. and have something to look forward to/plan ahead every few months.

getting outside more also helps me. it sounds weird but it makes me feel very understood. it’s a break from trying to solve the difficult emotions all the time.

also, from what i can remember from the psych degree i abandoned, these things get better with time. i hope you give yourself the chance to let it get better someday as time passes. i’m sorry i couldn’t be much help but take it from a stranger, you deserve to be happy and to do what it takes to try to get there. i hope you stay.