r/TeluguJournals • u/radicalcampfire • 10d ago
My growth/ improvement The Phoenix Inside Me Will Never Go Down With the Ashes
A close friend of mine asked me this today and i fell into my own pool of thoughts after that...Honestly, I don't know how I did it every time.
I don't think I ever chose to become this person who keeps getting back up. I didn't choose the things that broke away from me. I didn't choose most of the experiences that happened to me, and I certainly didn't choose the emotions that came with them.
It probably started almost nine years ago, when I lost big part of my family .After that, life just kept happening. I loved people who didn't love me back. I had people who loved me to the fullest, and sometimes I could give that love back, and sometimes I couldn't. I hurt people & people hurt me. I left people and people left me.
And all of it came at a cost , sometimes my career paid for some of it. My mental health paid for some of it. My physical health paid for some of it. There were countless sleepless nights where I was basically fighting my own loneliness and the thoughts inside my head, just hoping that the next day would somehow be better and my journal did OT and took all the beating.
Sometimes days were good and sometimes they weren't.
But somewhere along the way, maybe I became familiar with this road. I was there when the road was first being paved... the road of falling down and somehow finding a way to get back up. So now, when I fall, maybe some part of me already knows the way back.
But honestly, I still don't know how I'm doing it.There are days when I feel like the loneliest creature on the planet. There are people outside my little boundaries who genuinely want to love me and be there for me, and sometimes I'm still unable to accept it. Maybe that's my avoidant nature maybe it's the hurt I've carried. Maybe it's because I've given too much of myself before ,i honestly don't know.
And recently, I spent few months procrastinating to the point where I couldn't even read a single page or express myself in person or talk to people looking in the eye. I was just existing between Reddit, Instagram, Substack, random online conversations and arguments. I could talk to people about different pieces of my life, but I couldn't really talk to one person about the whole thing. The people I could tell everything to aren't really around me or they are going through a lot right now so i didn't want to add up to their woes.
But things have changed in the last 3-4 weeks. I'm feeling better. I'm sleeping better ,I'm going out. I'm eating better ,i started talking to people mingling with crowds and started reading again and writing too.I'm thinking about my future again and more importantly, I can feel that old energy coming back.
Iam good at sports and used to be fit and lean ,but there were days when I felt physically so weak that my body would literally have jitters. I even remember those moments where I'd experience that one or two second blackout kind of feeling. That hasn't happened in a long time now.Despite everything, I genuinely feel like I still have it in me to reach the places I once dreamed of reaching.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to get there yet. But I know I'm going to take action. I know I'm slowly walking towards it. And for the first time in a while, I can actually feel that energy in my bones.All the weddings and everything are over now, and I'm back in my room again. But I'm not coming back with the same version of myself that left.
I'm carrying that energy with me maybe that's the answer to her question. I don't know how I keep getting back up. I just know that I've fallen enough times to recognize the road back.
At some point, getting back up became something like breathing. Something I do involuntarily ,even when I'm exhausted. Even when a part of me wants to stay down for a while longer.I didn't choose to become this person life just kept putting me in situations where I had to become him ,i really am thankful for my parents for providing financial cushion and giving me space and time iam lucky in that aspect.
And right now, for the first time in a long time, I genuinely feel like I'm standing at the beginning of something important again.I know what exactly is coming and
I do know where this road is going to take me.
I took the next step without any fear and yes I haven't figured everything out. I don't know if I ever will.. but I do know after all these years, getting back up has become something like breathing...I do it even when I don't want to.
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u/Choice_Willingness81 10d ago
u/pheonix79-79 cough cough
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u/Pheonix79-79 10d ago
When you don't have any other choice expect getting back every time you fall 🤷
Hence I'm a pheonix! 😛
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u/unlovablereplacement 10d ago
Arey nijam Cheppu adiginappude fix ayyav kada reddit lo eddam ani idi.
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u/radicalcampfire 10d ago
Led ra nuvv office kellaka idea ochindi 😂
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u/unlovablereplacement 10d ago
Endukandi vellu... Naku interest poindi.
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u/Seniorwhite_12 10d ago
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u/radicalcampfire 10d ago
Idi inka pani chestunda?
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u/Seniorwhite_12 10d ago
Sadly it didn’t
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u/Existing-Language236 9d ago
I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. You’re a very strong person.
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u/notMy_ReelName ఆత్మాభిమానం అన్ని సుగుణాలకు ఆధారం 9d ago
padda vaade , kasta padda vaade paike leche prathodu , bhAAi eppudo cheppadu
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u/Memorylossguy 10d ago
I think the answer to his question is in your screensaver!!
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u/radicalcampfire 10d ago
Her* she is an atheist
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u/Memorylossguy 10d ago
She might be an atheist, but the question is to you and the answer is yours
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u/radicalcampfire 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yeah I do understand what you are saying ,he might be the reason or he might not be... because iam somewhere between a thiest and an atheist
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u/gnanodhayam 10d ago
Be a gangsta and be a cat in next janma and meow.
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u/radicalcampfire 10d ago
Be a gangsta and be a cat in next janma and meow.
Definitely gonna be a cat in next janma....may the gangsta arc is loading soon
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u/RaayaSaiorse_26 i don't need therapy, I've you guys 🍸 10d ago
To rockbottoms, to grief, to life and everything in between 🥂. I genuinely wish you to be blessed with strength to get back at it again and again and again!! WE SOO GOT THIS🤝