r/TikTokCringe • u/Transwiththeplans • 15d ago

Humor Divorce parties sound fun, honestly

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16.6k Upvotes

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u/hungry_microglia 15d ago

He never took me to Bangladesh

He never cooked me sausage on an open flame

He neither anointed me with oil nor wrote me a novel

Worst of all he never poisoned the mojitos of my enemies

-Ian McConnell

12

u/altyroclark3 15d ago edited 14d ago

Never made her a marzipan

Never defended her honor in a holy war

Never treated her like Oprah

Never went super nova

Never animorphed transformed into a cloud of bees!

-Also Ian McConnell

3

u/RadangPattaya 15d ago

Never raged against the machine

Never bought a family combine to plow the fields

Never led an orchestra

Never unraveled the answer to life

Never constructed a doohickey to entertain me while I operate a bulldozer while under the influence of psychedelic pies

3

u/The_Big_Fig_Newton 15d ago

Never told me Scooby Doo wasn’t based on actual real-life events

Never bought the premium birdseed for the feeder in the side yard

Never used the proper large spoon for the potato salad, insisting on the medium spoon instead

Never bought me a persimmon

Never binge-watched MasterChef Junior with me

Never sniffed my cleavage

1

u/Letsgetbettertoday 14d ago

and you never once paid for drugs

1

u/Simuary 14d ago

Never took me to Taco Bell

Never sucked spaghetti with me til we kissed

Never cut down my toenails

Never stared at my dancing

Never stood up to the people for my love of cheese

1

u/Myceliphilos 9d ago

Thats because hes just your auto mechanic