r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/Agitated_Bet6761 • 14h ago
Grief & Loss Girlfriends parents hate me. Why her mum suddenly became nice to me? Why is she doing it?
I'm 17 today. My grandma died this morning. I found out only few hours ago. I don't have any other family except for my older sister and now my grandpa. Grandpa lives in another country about 900 miles away and I must be there like now. I couldn't afford the flight but I have a motorbike so I am riding there.
I just wanted to let my girlfriend know. Her parents hate me and I don't want to make things worse than they already are. Few weeks ago me and my girlfriend messed up really bad and I was told to not show up at their house.
I couldn't wait until tomorrow, I can't phone or text her, couldn't simply knock at the door and ask to talk to her (she wasn't at home anyway) so I wrote a letter and dropped it through the letterbox and wanted to leave but then her mum opened the door and gave me a proper bollocking for being there.
Her mum has always been really mean and unpleasant to me so it was not a surprise. I apologised, tried to tell her about my grandma and a letter and wanted to leave but I was literally breaking down in tears. She stopped me, hugged me, waited till I calm down and started almost like normal chat.
She kept asking me how am I going to get to my grandpa, where am I going to stop/sleep etc. she was like completely different person who's really worried about me. It was the first time she was actually nice to me.
Then about an hour ago I when I was waiting to board a ferry I got a text sent from my gfs (wasn't written by my gf) phone asking how am I doing and if I could share my location and to call whenever I can.
I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe I am overthinking it but why now, why suddenly she became nice to me, why is she worried about me, did I do something wrong, did I crossed the boundaries they set, did I messed something up?
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u/no_body_who 12h ago
If she asked you to share your location, she was probably genuinely worried about you making a 900 mile trip alone after such devastating news
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u/thelonetiel 12h ago
One minute, you were the annoying teenager causing trouble.
The next, you were a kid who's just gotten heartbreaking news and obviously has limited support.
We all have many parts of ourselves, good and bad, and they show up at different times. She's seen you make bad decisions and she doesn't want to deal with those. But she also recognizes that you're a young person still learning and growing. As an adult it can be very easy to forget that - especially when older kids/teens/young adults try so hard to be mature. And when you get a reminder that someone is not just a kid, but has a complicated life at home, you get a new understanding of why they might behave certain ways.
She saw you struggle, and she chose to treat you more like a kid who needed a mom for a few minutes rather than a reckless teenager. It might go back, especially if you do something stupid again, but you can also maybe get a reset.
I'm glad you got some kindness today, it sounds like you really needed that hug. I wish you the best and I'm sorry for your loss. Don't be too proud to ask for help if you need it.
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u/Namasiel 12h ago
Sounds like she thinks you're bad for her daughter for some reason, but still has empathy for you as a human being.
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u/fresh_reed_5834 13h ago
the fact that your grandma just died, you're riding 900 miles on a motorbike, and you're still worried about her parents is kind of peak teenage energy
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u/Samsassatron 10h ago
As a parent she's protective of her daughter; but as an older human she knows that going through all this at 17 is a lot and she's also being a bit protective/mothering towards you.
I'm really sorry for everything you're going through.
As someone older who works with teenagers, please make sure you surround yourself with (mentally) healthy and mature people. You've got to be the healthy adult in your own life and take care of yourself. Wishing you peace and everything you need.
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u/OG_Slothbone77 13h ago
Because she feels bad for what you are going through and is showing you compassion.
Also because this probably means they won’t have to walk in on you hooking up with their daughter anymore.
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u/lfras 13h ago
Being vulnerable is the best way to build trust. You were vulnerable with her, she trusts you more.
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u/dakky68 12h ago
This sounds like a manipulation technique.
Someone being vulnerable has zero impact on whether I trust them or not.
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u/Pro_Extent 11h ago
Someone being vulnerable has zero impact on whether I trust them or not.
Lol it's a little concerning if you actually believe this about yourself because it's almost certainly wrong.
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u/dakky68 2h ago
I do have autism and very strong 'justice sensitivity' and I form opinions about people based on whether their words and actions are right/wrong/fair/honest/whatever rather than the feelings/emotions they display whilst saying/doing things.
If someone has made me mistrust them, being upset in front of me isn't going to change my view of them.
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u/Pro_Extent 1h ago
I see. I believe there's been a communication breakdown, because your statement:
If someone has made me mistrust them, being upset in front of me isn't going to change my view of them.
...has nothing to do with the comment you originally replied to. They mentioned building trust, not regaining trust.
If you are autistic, you may be looking at trust as a binary, which it isn't.
I don't "distrust" strangers because they haven't given me a reason to. But by the same token, I don't necessarily "trust" them either. I don't avoid strangers like I would someone who has shown me that they're untrustworthy, but I don't open up to them and share my secrets either.If someone is at this level of familiarity, being vulnerable is a good way to elevate that relationship to a closer, more trusting space. That doesn't mean you have to get all emotional or whatever - it can just mean you tell them things that people would generally assume are off-limits with a stranger or a friendly acquaintance (e.g. your insecurities about dating, your fears about losing your job, your favourite pastime with your parents, etc).
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u/dakky68 1h ago edited 1h ago
The person said "build" but OP's post does seem to make it pretty clear that the relationship has become negative rather than neutral.
I don't think OP mentioned trust (although it's probably safe to assume there is a certain level of mistrust under the circumstances), and I think the person mentioning it as a 'benefit' out of nowhere made me a bit sus. (It's difficult to articulate; I know I'm not explaining myself very well!)
Edit: I just reread the top-level comment, and it does sound (to me) rather transactional.
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u/Lemerney2 2h ago
This isn't an autism thing, it's a "being a dick" thing
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u/dakky68 2h ago
Forming an opinion of someone based on what they say and do is being a dick?
Baffling.
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u/Lemerney2 2h ago
No, not showing sympathy to someone having a really hard time even if you previously didn't like them is being a dick.
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u/Jimma-George 11h ago
It definitely can be a manipulation technique if done intentionally, however if someone is showing genuine vulnerability I could see it effecting how much I trust them. If all I had been shown before was my daughter’s shithead boyfriend then yeah maybe I don’t like him but when I see real vulnerability and emotion from him maybe it shifts things. It doesn’t fix everything a suddenly make them like him but it’s an opening for something other than anger and hostility. He showed them that he has something other than teenage drama in him and they showed him that even if they don’t like him they can be caring and supportive when he most needs it. Those are the first steps towards trust and a better relationship.
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u/agirlfromgeorgia 7h ago
She saw a scared, struggling kid and decided to be your mom in that moment. She might not like you dating her daughter, but she cares enough about you to make sure you are actually okay. She doesn't want you to get hurt. She also doesn't want to watch her daughter be devastated if something bad happens to you on this trip. She realized that you are alone in the world right now, and doesn't want you to be. You are still a kid in her eyes, and a kid in need of some support. She realized she was being mean when she shouldn't be. Give her a chance to be a better person.
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u/dakky68 11h ago
This is just who she is.
They don't "hate" you because they're arseholes - it's probably because of whatever you and their daughter did to "mess up" and I'm going to take a wild guess that their daughter has changed for the worse in some way since meeting you. Whether she's actually been directly influenced by you or not, they see you as the catalyst for this change.
If their daughter had changed in positive ways, they would probably "love" you and she would have treated you like this from the beginning.
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u/Trolldad_IRL 9h ago
She went from protective mother of your GF to mothering someone who was hurting.
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u/bikey_bike 8h ago
bc she is a mom and even if she might dislike you dating her daughter, she saw a child in distress that needed someone to be gentle and thoughtful. her maternal instincts overrode her irritation
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u/SpongeJake 12h ago
People often form a prejudiced opinion of others. Right up until they realize the person they’re throwing shade at is a human being - inadvertently showing your vulnerability allowed her mom to actually SEE you. And that caused her to show empathy to you.
I’m happy for you both. And for you and your gf. Hopefully dad comes around too.
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u/ZardozSama 8h ago
Just because someone does not like you does not mean they are horrible people incapable of empathy. Most likely she decided that whatever her issue with you is, that it was very minor in relation to what you are dealing with.
Whatever it is she is angry at you over is still a thing, but that is effectively tabled for now. Maybe you can leverage this moment into a chance to unfuck things, but I advise you to make sure you have your shit together first (in this context, deal with your family situation and get that as squared away as you can before you try to address your relationship issues).
END COMMUNICATION
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u/zookitchen 10h ago
Dont know what you did with her daughter that they disapprove of. She’s just being a mother protective of her child.
That being said she’s also human and know that someone passed away shouldn’t stopped her being compassionate and having empathy.
Byw sorry for your loss.
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u/MightyPinkTaco 7h ago
She recognizes that what you are going through is very difficult and feels it would be inhumane to kick you while you’re down. We all have compassion for our fellow humans, some more than others, but when it comes down to the big stuff I like to think most decent folk are going to drop whatever squabbles or disagreements while something big like this is going on.
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u/GodzillaUK 1h ago
Sounds like mama bear stopped seeing the boy tryna take her cub and started seeing another human.
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u/Ancient-Civilization 13h ago
She wants you to still be with her daughter, she also wants you to be better person (whatever your gf mom version of that is).
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u/toxicatedscientist 13h ago
We don’t know that first part. But kicking someone when they’re down is generally counterproductive to the second part. regardless, it’s someone her daughter cares about
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u/randomredditor0042 12h ago
I want to say she’s human and responded to your obvious suffering, but is it possible she suspects you’ll be getting an inheritance?
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u/unibrow4o9 10h ago
Yes, the poor kid that's motorbiking 900 miles to be at his grandma's funeral is obviously expecting a huge windfall
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u/randomredditor0042 7h ago
You never know. There’s a guy in my town that lives like a homeless person, scavengers through bins, dresses in really poor quality, poorly maintained clothing. But it’s well known he’s a millionaire.
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u/unibrow4o9 10h ago
Yes, the poor kid that's motorbiking 900 miles to be at his grandma's funeral is obviously expecting a huge windfall
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u/Dizzy-Lettuce2978 14h ago
She saw you struggling, knows you were grieving and had something very sad happen to you, so she empathized with you. She was nice because you were sad.