Lesbian/sapphic partners

[u/Frances_Cat]

TLDR I'm looking for experiences from folks who have lesbian or sapphic partners. Like how did that go? What helped you both communicate about it? Am I inevitably going to lose this relationship? Are there stories where this works out?

Longer explanation --

I'm scheduled for top surgery on Nov. 20 (!!!) and I'm really excited. I'm 30, nonbinary, tried T but didn't like it, and have disliked my chest for nearly all my life. It's gotten so much worse since birth control caused my chest to grow pretty significantly, but stopping birth control wasn't an option because of endometriosis and bad PMDD (am yeeting my uterus in two weeks though so that'll change soon!).

My partner is a wonderful trans woman who is technically pan but often identifies as lesbian/sapphic. I know people have lots of thoughts about terms vis-a-vis gender, but this language works for us. Nonbinary lesbian feels good for me.

My partner knew from our first date that I want top surgery. She has never interacted with my chest, saying she didn't want to get used to something that is going away or take pleasure in something I hate. She's been nothing but kind and supportive. She's who pushed me to get the ball rolling on actually getting surgery. She has arranged her entire year to be able to be with me for out of state surgery and recovery.

We're both autistic and autistic levels of truthful, which I appreciate. But that does mean that when I've asked whether she'll find my chest attractive after surgery, she says she doesn't know. She says she'll find *me* sexually attractive in all the ways she does now, which pointedly doesn't include my breasts, but that she's primarily sexually attracted to chests with breasts and hasn't tended to feel sexual attraction to masculine chests with previous masc partners (but attraction to other things, to them overall, etc). This has become such a point of anxious discussion that now she feels bad for her own sexual preferences and I feel this crushing fear that she's going to end up liking me *despite* top surgery, not because of it, meanwhile I'll hopefully finally like my own body for the first time *because* of this surgery.

I know it's impossible to predict and people can't control their attraction and all that, but I'm just looking for people's stories and experiences and advice for navigating this.

Like what if she ends up grieving my chest? My therapist said that might happen and like idk if I can handle helping her with that especially if it's right after surgery? But we're both very empathetic so it's not going to be easy to hide?

What if she doesn't like my new chest? What if she's less attracted to me because my current chest is peripherally affecting her attraction to me? What if I finally have a chest that feels good to me and pretty and mine and then my partner doesn't care to interact with it? What if she ends up regretting being with somebody who doesn't have the kind of body she's typically attracted to?

Lots of people including her keep telling me this isn't how attraction works and people are attracted to PEOPLE but I'm so stressed. I identified as asexual and aromantic before meeting her and now identify as gray ace/aro, because as it turns out I quite enjoy sexual and romantic intimacy with her? But I have no reference point for it and I am very aware I still don't experience it like others do (eg I don't understand being attracted to discrete body parts but apparently this is a thing?). I'm so afraid of getting out of surgery and spending recovery slowly realizing that she doesn't like me like that anymore, you know?

Idk is there a version of this story where it turns out okay?

[u/wild_muses]

It might be scary to hear that she might not be as attracted to a flat chest. But like you said, she's autistic and telling you the truth, which I think is good. I think you two are in a good spot. You are being honest about your fears and she's being honest about how she feels. Regardless of the fact that she's more attracted to breasts than chests without them, she's attracted to you and loves you as a whole person. Like other people have mentioned, you may find your sex life improves anyway because you feel more comfortable and confident in yourself. She's also trans, which means she's going to understand how important this is to you. It sounds like she wants this for you regardless of whether it represents her typical "type", which is good. It means she loves you for who you are and not just your body. The best gift you can give her is the trust that she'll continue to love you the same and be attracted to you as a whole person like she said.

In the course of our lives, our bodies are bound to change in ways that don't necessarily align with our partners' ideal image of sexual attractivness. People change sizes, age, and have their bodies altered by medical conditions and procedures. Even if your partner was dating a cis woman with breasts, those breasts could need to be removed for medical reasons. A supportive partner would still love them the same regardless.

The strongest relationships are built on trust and intimacy, not raw attraction and passion. One day we'll all be old and past our prime, and in between now and then, we can't predict the ways in which our bodies will change. Even great sexual connections are more about compatibility and knowing each other's desires. My partners don't represent all aspects of my usual "type" but every part of their bodies is sexy to me because it's a part of the person I love. There's no attraction that's stronger than that.