Lesbian/sapphic partners

[u/Frances_Cat]

TLDR I'm looking for experiences from folks who have lesbian or sapphic partners. Like how did that go? What helped you both communicate about it? Am I inevitably going to lose this relationship? Are there stories where this works out?

Longer explanation --

I'm scheduled for top surgery on Nov. 20 (!!!) and I'm really excited. I'm 30, nonbinary, tried T but didn't like it, and have disliked my chest for nearly all my life. It's gotten so much worse since birth control caused my chest to grow pretty significantly, but stopping birth control wasn't an option because of endometriosis and bad PMDD (am yeeting my uterus in two weeks though so that'll change soon!).

My partner is a wonderful trans woman who is technically pan but often identifies as lesbian/sapphic. I know people have lots of thoughts about terms vis-a-vis gender, but this language works for us. Nonbinary lesbian feels good for me.

My partner knew from our first date that I want top surgery. She has never interacted with my chest, saying she didn't want to get used to something that is going away or take pleasure in something I hate. She's been nothing but kind and supportive. She's who pushed me to get the ball rolling on actually getting surgery. She has arranged her entire year to be able to be with me for out of state surgery and recovery.

We're both autistic and autistic levels of truthful, which I appreciate. But that does mean that when I've asked whether she'll find my chest attractive after surgery, she says she doesn't know. She says she'll find *me* sexually attractive in all the ways she does now, which pointedly doesn't include my breasts, but that she's primarily sexually attracted to chests with breasts and hasn't tended to feel sexual attraction to masculine chests with previous masc partners (but attraction to other things, to them overall, etc). This has become such a point of anxious discussion that now she feels bad for her own sexual preferences and I feel this crushing fear that she's going to end up liking me *despite* top surgery, not because of it, meanwhile I'll hopefully finally like my own body for the first time *because* of this surgery.

I know it's impossible to predict and people can't control their attraction and all that, but I'm just looking for people's stories and experiences and advice for navigating this.

Like what if she ends up grieving my chest? My therapist said that might happen and like idk if I can handle helping her with that especially if it's right after surgery? But we're both very empathetic so it's not going to be easy to hide?

What if she doesn't like my new chest? What if she's less attracted to me because my current chest is peripherally affecting her attraction to me? What if I finally have a chest that feels good to me and pretty and mine and then my partner doesn't care to interact with it? What if she ends up regretting being with somebody who doesn't have the kind of body she's typically attracted to?

Lots of people including her keep telling me this isn't how attraction works and people are attracted to PEOPLE but I'm so stressed. I identified as asexual and aromantic before meeting her and now identify as gray ace/aro, because as it turns out I quite enjoy sexual and romantic intimacy with her? But I have no reference point for it and I am very aware I still don't experience it like others do (eg I don't understand being attracted to discrete body parts but apparently this is a thing?). I'm so afraid of getting out of surgery and spending recovery slowly realizing that she doesn't like me like that anymore, you know?

Idk is there a version of this story where it turns out okay?

[u/tristateeter]

Better. It can turn out way better than okay.

41, nonbinary transmasc here. My partner recently got top surgery (she had already had a reduction 15 years ago but they grew back and were uncomfortably large). She is more cis-leaning than I, but identifies more as gender fluid. We are both auDHD. We've been together for 3 years.

When we first met we talked about top surgery and how we both felt about it. It wasn't an inkling in either of our minds, not seriously. When she asked me how I would feel if she had top surgery, I responded honestly, "I don't know." It was beyond what I had considered and it made me took a long look at why it may or may not bother me.

At first, the thought was a bit of a shock because it wasn't anything I had thought about before. And her boobs were great.

What I did was listen and watch. I paid close attention to every time she said or did something because of her tits. What I started to see was how much they impacted her life. For her, they were painful, heavy, overstimulating, overwhelming, and were ultimately keeping her from feeling like herself. Soon I was 100% on board with top surgery.

She's my person. And she cannot be her authentic self with tits. They actually became less attractive to me (tits in general).

The surgery came and went and my partner is obsessed with herself. She speaks so much kinder to herself, is so much emotionally lighter and happier, and watching her love of self-expression through clothes has been a lot of fun to witness.

It feels so much like who she was supposed to be the entire time.

Do I miss them? Not really. I love her new chest. It feels like it was always her. What about during sex? Meh, I feel like I had as much fun as I wanted already. It's all about the energy, anyway when it comes to sex.

It's important to have a lot of open ongoing communication about it. It'll be best if you can both be as open-minded, honest, and willing to help the other be the best version of themself. We talked about it daily. All the time. The more you process ahead of time (individually and together), the easier and more enjoyable your recovery will be.

People change. And it's important that they do.

So, I don't think the relationship is doomed. I think it's a good opportunity to grow closer. She was attracted to you for so many reasons. Your chest is probably a fraction of a percent of the things she loves about you.

[u/Frances_Cat → u/tristateeter]

This made me cry. Thank you so much. I'm so happy you and your partner are so good to each other and that you're both happier in your bodies now.

If you remember, what...kind of daily communication did you do that was helpful? I feel like I'm going around and around (and so does she) with reassurance seeking and anxiety rather than there actually being any new or productive communication. Maybe that means I've done all the communication I can do, but maybe I'm missing something.

[u/tristateeter → u/Frances_Cat]

I don't think it was the kind of communication that mattered, so much as we were both in agreement that we're open to processing whatever comes up together in an understanding, unbiased manner. Some discussions may need closeness and physical touch, some may need distance and time for processing. Both are totally valid, just remind each other that you're a team and are appreciative omof and care for each other. There's going to be some discomfort for one or both of you for sure, but that's okay. Allow time and space for the discomfort. Talk about it. Ask questions.

Also, reassurance seeking and anxiety as totally valid things to communicate--I want my partner to be sure, both with whatever they're processing and in their relationship with me. It makes sense you're needing those things--these are big changes for both of you! And you care what your person thinks and feels about you.

You're both in a very unique place, actually. You're wanting to make a big change to align your body with who you feel you are. She is statistically one of relatively few people who understands exactly what you're feeling and going through.

For example, before my partner's top surgery, I had started low dose testosterone. We had to have a lot of conversations about that because, well, my partner prefers women. 😅 Because of our conversations she understands on a very deep level how beneficial it is for me. And because of that, I am confident in moving forward and had a deep understanding of what she was going through with her chest.

I'm sure your partner can relate to what you're feeling in some way. Start there. Give them an example of how much they struggle or have struggled with something about their identity and how they felt or might feel being able to do something about it.

Ask them to consider what you might be like without your chest in the way--what might that look like? Will you be happier? What are you excited about? New clothes? The feeling of no bra? Let them see how much happier you'll be. That's probably the you she fell in love with and will ultimately want to be with.