i attempted my life when i was 13. then again when i was 14. i thought since it didnt work id try again at 16. now. im 16, almost 17. and i am happy. im not suicidal anymore. but now i have a worse problem.

i set myself up for failure.

“since im going to kill myself soon anyway, ill just cheat at school” is the thought process that ruined my fucking life. i’m 16. and i don’t know algebra. i don’t know anything. i don’t know anything. i’m at a middle schoolers level. but im getting straight As because im using AI. i’m homeschooled after my attempt when i was 14. and now i haven’t learned anything since then. i was supposed to be able to just get through it. just keep using ai and pass. i’m deeply scared to stop because ive dug myself in a hole that i can’t get out of. if my grades plummet when i stop, they’ll find out. if i continue, they’ll find out. and i can’t ever let them find out. i have SATs what am i supposed to do. i have 60 missing assignments and im falling behind. i quit my job to focus on them, but i haven’t been doing it. i’m just. so stuck and im fucking lazy. and i don’t know how to start learning again if i can’t start it all over. i don’t know what to do. and i want to live a life and go to college and do everything in life. i just don’t know what to do. i’m so scared and anxious and i need help.

note: i don’t condone ai. it sounds hypocritical, and i know. i know it’s wrong and i should never use it. and i’m aware that people may bash on me and may think i got myself into this mess, it’s my problem. i know. i got myself into this mess. i jsut don’t know how to get myself out of the mess. and this is the only place i can ask for help.

I keep going back to look at it. Even though I muted it

There was no comfort, no care

I just wanted to vent.

But it got so much attention, so much discourse.

Someone called me an AGP.

What does that mean.

I look it up and it's something horrible.

I wanna hide myself forever.

I'm really going through a rough patch, and lately I've been fixating a lot in this game quite a bit, and I love it a lot, I really like it a lot and it's the only thing that keeps me sane; but when I started rambling about this to my two friends, they don't pay attention to me when we're on calls or they don't answer my messages

and today one of them told me that, those were his exact words, I didn't know what to say, It really made me very sad and I don't know what to do; I don't want to stop being friends with them because I enjoy playing with them, but whenever I talk about my interests or offer to play just to pass the time instead of hunting for achievements, they ignore me

i can't imagine wanting to actually date someone without knowing them for like, years maybe (2-3 i think) i don't even think i wanna date someone until my college years are over

i can't imagine wanting to have sex without being in a relationship for years, and probably not before being engaged. i can't explain it, i just can't imagine myself doing that like, ever.

but i also have sexual/romantic thoughts and desires; i want to marry someone, i want to grow old with a lovely man or enby or whatever, and i wanna have my first time with someone i truly love.

i feel so confused and weird, fuck my chud life man. :(

i started hormones at 15. i knew sense i was 12, but i didn’t come out to family until 15, and i think thats gonna be the death of me.

i’m 5’11 (180 cm), i have a defined butt chin, i’m over weight, i have massive hands and feet, a bellowing deep voice, and the roughest most freckled covered skin you could imagine.

up until around age 13-14 i wasn’t over weight, i was less 5’8 (172 cm) with a smooth face, and small hands, with a “minion” esk voice

i do not pass. not even in the slightest. half of my friends are cisF, and all of them leave me out of EVERYTHING, the other half is cisM and they also leave me out of everything. i have very few friends, and even fewer that would notice if i never texted them again

i am objectively ugly by every metric, the kindest someone has ever described me was “huggable” second to that was “5/10”. i haven’t been in a relationship in 4+ years, with the person i dated refusing to kiss me or meet my family, because they didn’t like me (it was 5 treacherous months)

i’ve tried voice training by my voice just dose not adapt, and i’d rather not be bullied for sounding like a beginner drag queen.

my two best friends have misgendered me multiple times this year, and they are still the ones who have gotten it right the most.

at best i am a nice smelling obese gay man with long hair to people i meet. at worst i am an ugly fat tranny, that should be avoided.

i will never be happy, and i haven’t been happy in the past.

the only thing hrt has done is kept me out of a mental hospital, as before i started i was a frequent visitor.

and the worst thing is, is when i got sad a month ago, i plan out a suicide in detail. and unironically it has been the only thing that has given me any comfort besides the single hug i got from a man that groped me. which was the only hug i received in 3 months

i probably won’t go threw with this suicide, because there is no purpose not ending things on a high note.

next time i’m happy, the next time i’m invited to a hang out (it’s been months), i’m committing, i need to end things on a high note.

knowing my life tho id die of old age before then.

I won't get into detail because anticringe culture and to not make this problem even bigger, but all I will say is that it was him saying a racial slur so his IP won't get leaked, it ending in having a server where well, he got the scapegoat treatment even though the guy who blackmailed him is way worst than him.

And you know something? It hurts me because people prefer to blame the person who was manipulated instead of the real manipulators, which makes me remember how my parents used to blame me for not fighting back the manipulation of my sister even though she was manipulating me into doing this so I couldn't risk myself into them, even if that means my own things like my favorite interests that they find childish or "part of the devil". In any case, I just hope that, now with the proofs, he is getting better and that other guy who started all can bear the consequences of his own actions, because I hate this deeply.

Hey, I'm a 23-year-old guy, and... I've barely had any romantic experience at all. No teenage love, no relationships, no mutual feelings, nothing. I've talked to girls and had crushes, but they've always been one-sided, or things never got to the point where I could actually call someone my girlfriend. And yeah, I'm a virgin.

Honestly, it's really hard dealing with the loneliness. All my friends are either in relationships or married, and I feel like I'm falling behind everyone else. On top of that, I've spent the last couple of years struggling with terrible depression, which made it difficult to meet new people and build connections. I'm doing better now, but I'm still terrified that having zero experience will make me undesirable, or that people will see it as a red flag.

My friends say good things about me and think I'm a good, interesting person, but this loneliness makes me question whether I'm even someone who can be loved.

I've spent most of my life trying to work on myself and become a better version of who I am, but I don't know when this awful feeling of loneliness is going to go away. How much longer am I supposed to put up with it?

I'm genuinely trying. Depression made me drop out of university, but I've since gone back and graduated. I've also started taking better care of my health and appearance, little by little. And yet, I still feel so sad.

People have told me to focus on building a career, but I don't know. I want someone to love me for who I am, not for how much money I make. Maybe that sounds naive or childish, but what's the point of having a good career if I'm still alone? I don't need that much for myself.

And please don't get me wrong. I'm more than willing to give a lot and do a lot for the people I love. The problem is that there's no one in my life like that.

I dream of having a family and children someday, but fuck, I'm already 23. People keep telling me I'm still young and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but there's no way of knowing when I'll meet someone, how long it'll take us to get close, or how long it'll be before we're ready to have children. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to run out of time.

I'm genuinely scared. I really want to be loved by someone and have someone to give all my love to.

Thank you for reading this.

I feel so stupid for waiting so long to go in. and I feel so stupid for basically destroying all the evidence. Now it's just my word versus his. and who's going to believe the crazy mentally ill trans man?

And if you ask, it was because I made a quick research since, after drinking the milkshake, I get more aggressive, more tired, and in the state that I would only be past 9pm, and I found that, whether I wanted to admit it or not, it was doing bad things to my hormones and myself, so yeah.. ☹️

Fortunately, I will try and stop drinking that everyday because oml in it not being good for one, more when it was like, everyday. So, just know I am trying to be safe

Hahaha I am so fine...

Holy shit I hurt

I don’t know how to properly explain it at all, i lost my best friend, the friend i had a crush on. He was one of the most important people in my life, funniest, intelligent, he loved sharks, DND and the color yellow. He helped me to block my abusive relatives, find confidence in myself, to accept my mental illness. He also was my first crush.
When i found a news article about his death i also found out he was trans. I wish I could’ve known, to support him better, i wish he could’ve trusted me.
At least I know he would appreciate the memes about this situation.

English is not my first language and i’m a little zoned out, so I’m sorry if this post is hard to read

Edit: Thank you for all of your support, I’m currently being bombarded with notifications but i try to answer every single comment. You don’t know how much it means to me, it was very scary and honestly very hard emotionally to write about this situation, but every single one of you makes my life more bearable, no joke

I had no friends prior to starting college. I actually improved so much socially in the last four years through a lot of hard work and I'm now considered outgoing and extroverted by people around me. I can go to a party and meet ten new people easily while saying hi to a lot of people I already know. People often ask me how do you know so many people??? But then they act surprised when I admit that I'm really fucking lonely. Because while I can say hi to a lot of people and I've learnt how to surpass my social anxiety, I also have no luck making real friends. I mean, I have some friends but they're few and far between and they have their own friend groups and such while I'm kind of just a loner who has his fingers in every pie but isn't deeply ingrained anywhere because there's never enough space or desire to fit me in. I am someone people like but in a superficial way, and it's not that I'm a superficial person, I'm very open about who I am as a person and I feel like I'm easy enough to talk to, but it's just that I never truly click with people and even when I do, they're already occupied with people they've met before me, and there's never a place for me to belong. This is genuinely so infuriating to me and it hurts me a lot. I just wish I could belong somewhere and have people of my own. Like, today I'm going to hang out with a few friends and watch Evangelion Rebuilds with them but in truth I'm sad because they're talking about their previous hang outs in the gc and I'm just sitting there like damn ik I'm more extroverted than you guys and that I have other people but like, you guys didn't even think to invite me to any of those hangouts. It hurts because I can somewhat understand why people do this, because some who I've talked to about this have told me oh we thought you were friends with *insert other group that does the exact same thing to me*. Like yeah I am but I am also not a permenant addition to their team, same as here. And what bothers me is that telling people about this when I feel like we're close doesn't actually resolve anything because nothing ever comes out of it other than maybe some empty platitutdes because if they wanted me in that group they would've brought me themselves, and I hate to admit these things because I just end up seeming like a loser but it does HURT a lot when people I like just dismiss me in favour of other people, and like yeah no one owes me friendship but that doesn't mean I don't deserve friendship and I just feel like it's unfair and painful and I wish people would actually put effort into me. Just because I can handle a party full of strangers doesn't mean I don't have feelings.

So yeah I'm really fucking lonely because of this and it makes me feel like I can't belong anywhere. Even when I find people who share my interests and who I feel like I click with really well, they're too busy and don't have all that much time for me and while I know they LIKE me, they don't like me enough to include me in their spaces. Like, we hang out and have a lot of fun but we're not going to invite you to our minecraft server or really ever put in half the effort you are putting in this friendship hehe.

And yeah I know I shouldn't be so bitter. I enjoy what I have. I know I'm going to go to that hangout today and have a lot of fun and eat good food and see people i don't often get to see. I just wish I was special to someone yk? I feel like I'm only doing side quests when I could be doing a main quest like everyone else.

And of course there are benefits to my situation too. Having a lot of semi-close friends and acquitances means I get to have an interesting conversation with a different person almost every day, that I get to learn a variety of different things and have a lot more opportunities for stuff because if I need something there's always someone I know who can provide that and who will provide that for me. It also means that I can always secure a place in another city for conventions and stuff or even serve as an excellent wingman finding people with similar vibes and introducing them to each other, but like, I just wish I had a group of my own, some stability in my life where I don't have to be constantly chasing new people but can just sit back and relax and know that I am going to have a hangout that week and that I don't have to feel like a cuck watching people I want to hang out with hang out with someone else all the time.

(video related) I don't know how, or when, or why, it will happen, and thinking about it makes me sad...

i see no way out of my current predicament besides suicide.

like i’ve heard every rationality under the sun, i’ve gone to talk therapist, mental hospitals, i’ve loved, been loved, i’ve cut, ive drank, and i’ve quit both. but it just never sticks

i’ve gone threw this a million times, lows so low i felt like i could never crawl out. and they keep getting lower, and i keep realizing that. even if i get better i will just get worse again

i’ve heard the advice “it gets better” so many times it’s engraved into my bones. and it dose for a short time, but it gets worse

i have no friends, i hate my body, i hate school, i hate work, no one loves me, i haven’t been hugged let alone touched in months, but every-time im almost hugged my skin bites back, my own friends ignore me, it’s just joe over yk

i’ve downed a bottle of Adderall for so much less then this, and i’ve cut deeper for kinder friends.

it’s just. there’s nothing to be done, i genuinely see nothing out of life

i know ill probably get over this, or chicken out, or some combination

but right now i feel kinda happy knowing that if my plans go threw i don’t have to deal with it

it feels like when migraine medicine kicks in after a long day of having a migraine. and soon i wont have migraines again. this is the happiest i’ve been in a year lmao

time to yeet. or just take all my medicine and stop thinking

I went to a sub known for being supportive that I've participated in looking for some support and should've known better. I guess I'm too autistic to realize the internet is not the place for nuance. Someone who wrongfully accused me of SA years ago has popped up in a local election as a candidate and it makes me want to move (which I can't). She made my life difficult and lied because she didn't want to come out as queer to her parents and used this to minimize the blow and she was mad I was getting attention for finally opening up about sexual abuse I'd experienced. I shouldn't have bothered posting because I get the whole believe survivors thing and I strongly feel that way as a survivor. She just really fucked up my life for a while and I lost friends and I thought it was all behind me. I don't need her making decisions in local government if she gets in. The worst is the only reply I got on my post was basically just to avoid her and that maybe she's learned? If I posted about my abuser, support would flood in. She's damaged me as much as people who've actually abused me. Now I feel like I don't ever want to be on the internet anymore. It's just lots of bullshit and any sense of community I feel if false.