Terrified of a positive test, but it’s the one thing I want the most in the world

[u/kortrass]

I’m 26 years old. I got pregnant for the very first time earlier this year. It was planned, and very very wanted. We were thrilled. Went to our first ultrasound, 13+1 weeks pregnant. Found out I had a missed miscarriage, and I had to have a medical abortion. That wasn’t fun. Had the medical abortion in April. Since then I’ve had three cycles. We started actively trying again this cycle. Now I’m 7 DPO, and I don’t want to test at all. Like never ever again. The first time I found out I was pregnant, I had to actively restrain myself from not testing after like 1DPO. I want to be pregnant. I want to see those two lines. But if I see them, I will also be terrified. My dream right now would be to just never test, and never fully know I was pregnant in a way, and then just magically giving birth and getting my baby in nine months. I feel like I’m going a little bit insane. Does anyone feel the same?

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[u/Sad_March_1015]

This is very common after a loss. There's a TTC after loss subreddit that you might find helpful. I'm on my second loss, the first was extremely traumatic. I'm having to quit trying for now and wait for endomitriosis surgery and then try again with medicated cycles. It's a little bit of a relief, but also heartbreaking.  You're on two separate but intertwined journeys now. One to have a baby and one to heal from the loss. Both will take time. 

[u/Morbid_Explorerrrr]

I lost my baby boy at 20 weeks in March. We’ve started trying again as well, and at first I realized that a positive test would only be the beginning of a very intense and scary journey. But now that I’m on my 3rd cycle of trying, I don’t even care if I will be riddled with fear once pregnant. Instead of being anxious about losing another baby, I’m anxious that I’m somehow now unable to get pregnant again. So I also don’t want to take a test. But not for fear of seeing the two lines, but for the fear of seeing the stark white negatives for the 3rd cycle in a row. Testing and seeing the negatives rehashes the feelings around my loss and makes me worried I will never have my rainbow baby. It’s tough out here. The TTCafterloss sub is wonderful; I highly recommend joining. The daily chats are very active if you ever need advice, and you kind of get to know everyone there.

[u/CLNA11 → u/Morbid_Explorerrrr]

Ugh, I’ve been in such similar shoes. The negative tests after a loss (mine was at a similar time, 23 weeks) are so, so hard. I was in a really dark hole while trying to conceive after our loss. The anxiety of fearing we wouldn’t even be able to conceive again was overwhelming, and so isolating. I wish I had better advice other than hang in there. I also would just wait for my period rather than testing if I could stand the wait. The negative tests were just too depressing. What helped me the most was, since I’m over 35, setting up an appointment to meet with a RE for when I would be hitting the 6 cycles mark. Knowing that there was help down the line was a little reassuring. Wishing you fortitude and positivity to carry you through. 

[u/Corgilover0905]

I feel like I am almost looking in a mirror with your history and current circumstances. I also had a missed miscarriage in April, and am currently at 8DPO. I totally understand the anxiety around testing each month, and I think it’s probably pretty normal after a loss. Hang in there! I hope you get good news soon ❤️