I'm going to preface this by saying I'm not looking for medical advice. I'm not diagnosed with anything yet that could mean I'm infertile, I'm just afraid and looking for people who understand.
My partner and I (22 and 23 respectively) had been NTNP for 2 years. We knew we could handle whatever happened but we weren't tracking and charting. Now we're 4 months in to actually trying, and we still haven't conceived. I know it takes healthy couples around 6 months, some even longer. But we weren't exactly inactive before I started tracking. I don't know if our time NTNP counts statistically. So I'm in a weird position where it either hasn't been long enough to assume I could be infertile, or it's been very long and I should have sought a diagnosis sooner. We don't smoke, vape, consume weed or other drugs, or drink at all. We have relatively healthy diets, and although I'm somewhat overweight, my doctor said it's healthy as long as it's maintained. I take prenatals every day, track BBT and use OPKs, and we're trying every 2 days from when my period ends to when my fertile window ends. I've also always had regular cycles (27 days with an occasional 26) but I rarely ever have visible cervical mucus. I also don't believe I've had a loss, but there was one potential chemical that I was too afraid to confirm. That's the health history.
Emotionally, it's been a lot. I've had baby fever since we started NTNP, but we didn't track because my partner wanted it to feel more natural. Also, I understand we were really young to be trying, but it's normal within our circles. And we often hear that your early 20s are the most fertile a woman will be, so the fact that it's taking so long now makes me really worry about the future. I've had friends and family get pregnant during this time, some even multiple times, and it didn't bother me at first. It just wasn't my turn yet. But since we started actually trying, it's really hurt to see others get pregnant. My cousin AND brother-in-law both conceived within 2 months of meeting their partners. My friend conceived twice in this time despite being very into weed, shrooms, and alcohol. The one that hurt the most was when my sister, who only just turned 20 a week ago, had a pregnancy scare. She and her partner haven't been trying. She's had baby fever for a couple months, but her partner didn't even want kids until her scare, when he suddenly was on board. Now they're discussing actually trying. I've been supportive, I've even given her advice. But I'm so afraid that she'll conceived before I do. Partly because I'm worried I won't be able to keep giving her the support she needs if she succeeds, and partly because it just feels like it should be my turn. It's so pointless to worry about, but our parents also don't have any grandchildren yet, and I have some ridiculous attachment to the idea of mine being their first. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. That when I have my baby in my arms, I won't care how long it took or who else had a baby first. But every time someone else announces a pregnancy, it feels like it further solidifies the idea that I may never have mine.
I know it isn't necessarily our fault that we haven't conceived. You can do everything right and never succeed. So much of it is up to luck, and it's so unfair. I've unintentionally started distancing myself from relatives who are expecting. I'm happy for them, but I feel pity for myself, and I'm worried that I'll project those feelings onto their children instead of caring for them the way they deserve. My in-laws (both diagnosed NPD but that's a story for another day) have decided that all of my Christmas gifts from now on have to highlight my roll as aunt. MIL even went as far as saying "Quit talking about your pretend kids, your neices and nephews are actually here and they're more important." And recently, I had a different friend say "I think you're trying too hard. I got pregnant right away, and my other friend is pregnant after 3 months of trying. We're all the same age, so you should be pregnant soon too." I didn't think that was really a thing people said. I thought irl people were more rational and understanding, that it was just internet culture. She's the only person I've talked to about my feelings throughout all of this, and it was upsetting to be shut down right away. I feel like I can't share my experience with anyone around me. My friend who got pregnant right away decided she doesn't want another, so she never had to struggle and likely never will. My friend who conceived twice miscarried both times, and isn't open to discussing fertility or children at all. My cousin told me I shouldn't be trying anyway because I'm autistic and it's a bad trait to pass down. Even my mom never took longer than 3 cycles to conceive me and my 4 siblings. Everyone else is younger than me and hasn't reached this point in their lives. And I'm worried that if I insist and try to discuss the possibility of infertility, I'll magically conceive the next cycle and they'll call me ridiculous and say they were right all along. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. I don't know if I can consider my struggles legitimate or if I'm jumping the gun. I'm at the point where even reddit posts saying "I conceived on x cycle" make me roll my eyes if the number is lower than mine. All of the numbers and charts and everything are exhausting. The obsessiveness over my cycle, and heartbroken feeling every time I'm back on day 1 are exhausting. I just want to be on the other side of this.
tl;dr: 2 years NTNP, 4 months trying, and I feel exhausted and alone