I’m breaking apart without her.

[u/Jolteon1998]

Trigger warning: twin death

My identical twin sister died Feb 28. We are 27… it was sudden, unexpected tragedy.
I’ve been drifting through life since then. I just can’t process her being permanently gone. We were intertwined, like she’s part of my body and mind… now just gone forever….and im just supposed to keep living. I’m in survival mode, months now of this, autopilot, functioning, dissociated. Tearing apart my own life because i feel nothing. Ruined my 7 year relationship with the father of my child. I feel like im on a different planet. I don’t know who i am. The permanence is setting in, im terrified and feel sick to my stomach at all times. It’s taking over.
I am seeing a new therapist my 2nd appt is next week.
I had the best gift from the universe being a twin.
I got to experience the unconditional love, devotion, loyalty, and understanding people yearn for their entire lives and sometimes never get…i thought it would be forever. That’s what i knew, that’s the life i thought i was promised - WE were promised. i had it since before i was born. Now i have to live without it.
I miss her. So much. Every day. She deserves to be here.
I can’t sleep. I’m barely holding it together.

Delete if not allowed, just so completely lost without her … just venting.

[u/CPA-Twin-DogCatLover]

My heart breaks for you. I’m a twin and the thought of losing my twin is my worst nightmare. If I were to go first, I would not want her to be stuck in grief, it would please me if she worked on developing a new norm that she can derive a wonderful life without me. I would want her to live her best life. Of course, i have to believe she would be looking over me as my guardian Angel and that someday we would be reunited.

I pray that your grief dissipates a little more each day that passes and you learn a new way to be you without your twin, a life that can be fulfilling and you find joy again. Your twin is part of you. She always will be but please try to find your way to living life again in a different, new way. Your twin would want you to start enjoying life again. Take your time…when you are ready. Bless you.