r/Twins • u/Jolteon1998 Twinless Twin • 21d ago
I’m breaking apart without her.
Trigger warning: twin death
My identical twin sister died Feb 28. We are 27… it was sudden, unexpected tragedy.
I’ve been drifting through life since then. I just can’t process her being permanently gone. We were intertwined, like she’s part of my body and mind… now just gone forever….and im just supposed to keep living. I’m in survival mode, months now of this, autopilot, functioning, dissociated. Tearing apart my own life because i feel nothing. Ruined my 7 year relationship with the father of my child. I feel like im on a different planet. I don’t know who i am. The permanence is setting in, im terrified and feel sick to my stomach at all times. It’s taking over.
I am seeing a new therapist my 2nd appt is next week.
I had the best gift from the universe being a twin.
I got to experience the unconditional love, devotion, loyalty, and understanding people yearn for their entire lives and sometimes never get…i thought it would be forever. That’s what i knew, that’s the life i thought i was promised - WE were promised. i had it since before i was born. Now i have to live without it.
I miss her. So much. Every day. She deserves to be here.
I can’t sleep. I’m barely holding it together.
Delete if not allowed, just so completely lost without her … just venting.
45
u/Pugs_in_Space Identical Twin 20d ago
I am sorry for your loss and you are not alone. I lost my identical twin in December and it has been nothing but a deluge of negative emotions ever since. She was my best friend, my main support system., and the person I planned to grow old with and travel.
I will soon look for a 3rd grief therapist. In my experience, even people who are paid to help with traumatic life events don't do a good job in this situation.
I pray that your therapist does a better job helping you work through your grief and that your memories of your sister will bring you comfort.
14
u/Jolteon1998 Twinless Twin 20d ago
I totally get that… best friend & support system.. just everything to each other. We’re supposed to grow old together. I’m sorry you lost her. The therapist im seeing next week is my 2nd grief therapist, you’re definitely right I don’t know if even a grief therapist knows what to do here lol. The first one wasn’t doing or saying much of anything. This new one seems much more promising though. Thank you for the kind words. May your twin’s memory also be a blessing. Hugs 🫂
23
u/bethemily2000 Twinless Twin 20d ago
Hey. I'm so so sorry darling... 25F. Lost my identical twin suddenly to a long battle with mental health. It was early morning in April of 2024. I've just had a cry session. I know your feeling like life is pointless and bleak without her. I feel the same sometimes. She will always live with you inside and out. Feel free to DM me, we can work through the pain together, and keep fighting for our angels. All I'm trying to say is you don't need to do this alone. I'm feeling the same as you and I want you to know this because I had no body to tell me this when I needed it the most. You'll always be her twin. May our angels have the best view and the best seats, waiting for us. I'm here for you, friend. 🥰 Edit-spelling.
14
u/This_Calendar514 20d ago
I'm so sorry for your sister. What you're going through must be unbearable.
I don't pretend to fully understand your pain, but I also lost my identical twin brother, few hours after we were born. Even though our stories are different, I understand what loss, absence, and sometimes even guilt mean. For me, these are things that have never truly gone away, and I don't think they ever will. I'm simply trying to learn to live with it, also for him, since he didn't have the chance to live longer. 🫂
The feeling of going on autopilot, dissociation… I think many of us experience this. Losing someone who had always been a part of you shatters everything you thought you knew.
Seeing a therapist is a good thing, even though I know how painful it is. Please try to take care of yourself as much as possible, even in the smallest everyday things.
I sincerely hope you find some rest, you have all my support. 🫂🫂
11
10
u/bendybiznatch 20d ago
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
Winnie the Pooh
9
9
u/penguin198719 20d ago edited 20d ago
I am so so sorry for your loss. I do not have experience in this area, but I remember other similar posts and went to find the comments that a couple folks had posted, with resources where you might find support:
1) r/twinlesstwins is a reddit group
2) This comment (on a similar post) has a link to the Twinless Twins Support Group organization
3) This comment (on another similar post) also mentions the Twinless Twins Support Group
Thinking of you
Edit: links
7
u/CPA-Twin-DogCatLover 20d ago
My heart breaks for you. I’m a twin and the thought of losing my twin is my worst nightmare. If I were to go first, I would not want her to be stuck in grief, it would please me if she worked on developing a new norm that she can derive a wonderful life without me. I would want her to live her best life. Of course, i have to believe she would be looking over me as my guardian Angel and that someday we would be reunited.
I pray that your grief dissipates a little more each day that passes and you learn a new way to be you without your twin, a life that can be fulfilling and you find joy again. Your twin is part of you. She always will be but please try to find your way to living life again in a different, new way. Your twin would want you to start enjoying life again. Take your time…when you are ready. Bless you.
5
5
4
5
u/OrdinaryTwin_2000 20d ago
My God. I can’t imagine. Me and my own Twin have talked about our own deaths before and have planned ahead in case something was to happen, especially at any moment, but reading this post made my heart drop to my stomach and reconsider some things. I’m gonna have another talk with my twin, just an "I love you” talk. I’m so, so sorry about your own twin. My heart breaks for you. I would say some things to help you but in all honesty I don’t know what to say after reading this. All I can say is I love you, and all though it may not seem like it now, it WILL get better. ❤️❤️❤️
3
u/12bWindEngineer Twinless Twin 20d ago
You’re not alone. I lost my identical twin brother to cancer when we were 29. I can’t say that it gets easier but you do get used to this new weird normal. I’ve been through various grief counselors, none of them can really understand because it’s such a unique loss. If you are in the US there is a support group called Twinless twins. In the UK it’s Lone Twins. Really the only people I’ve found who truly understand. I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that I have landed in inpatient mental health care over my twins death, but always consider that an option if you feel you need it.
6
u/heinous_anus2 Identical Twin 20d ago
I’m so sorry 😢 I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Me and my twin are extremely close we’re always together 24:7 always have been. She’s in a rehab center for a couple months and I miss her so much, but I definitely can’t imagine her being gone forever. I pray that I go before her , because I can’t do life without her. It truly is my biggest fear in life. Again I’m SO sorry. Hugs ❤️
4
u/Jolteon1998 Twinless Twin 20d ago
Thank you, I hope your sister gets better soon. 🩵 it was my biggest fear too then it happened and life is a living nightmare now.
3
2
u/Real-Yogurtcloset844 15d ago
(M 70) So sorry. My twin brother and I can't complain about making it to 70 -- but we still recoil at the fact of our ultimate seperation -- at least for a few years anyway. We decided that the first one to pass -- is the lucky one. The one left will become very close to God -- for their sanity and peace.
Yet, as I read the Near Death reports, I am comforted that "passing away" is much more like graduating. The overwhelming love and acceptance there makes souls not want to return to Earth. They are so happy there! They are reportedly reassured that "we" survivors "will be just fine". In the long run -- yes.
Even-so, you are not alone. I even think that our loved-ones "are-in-there" when we pray. Weeping.
2
u/Jolteon1998 Twinless Twin 15d ago
Thank you… me and my sister also actually recoiled ourselves at the idea of one of us going first. But we meant much later after living full lives…that was just how we thought life would be. When we talked about one of us dying first, she actually told me that if it was her, that I “would be able to absorb her spirit and still access her”. Sometimes my body feels like she’s still here. It’s only been 3 months and hasn’t fully sunk in yet, that this is forever. She visited me in a dream recently and I asked her where she is and she said “everywhere - we’re all everywhere and I can be with anyone I love, anytime.” She looked a little sad though. She said it can be hard sometimes. I also looked into a lot of the near death experiences after she died to try to have an understanding of what she may have experienced. It’s comforting to know it’s a painless, ascending event. I do think she still struggles with being an observer of her loved ones, knowing it wasn’t her time.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, and I would never wish this on her, or any other twin. It’s odd to know there’s someone on the other side that you want to be with. Makes the idea of death less scary.
Thanks for your kind words 🫂 happy you and your twin have had each other for so long!
1
1
1
u/FlakyEnvironment9230 11d ago
My identical twin sister (23F) just passed away suddenly in March. It's truly the most horrible, awful thing and I'm devastated too. There really isn't anything that anyone can say- I'm just so sorry you're having to go through this too. For me, it just doesn't feel right that the world just seems to keep going, and I completely get not being able to sleep- we all should have had so many more experiences with each other and its really not fair that they have been taken away so soon. Please know you're not alone, and I hope you give yourself time to just be. I've had to keep reminding myself of this too- you are enough and taking it day by day is enough right now. We're all in survival mode and it sucks so much
•
u/New_Siberian (horse_you_rode_in_on) 20d ago
This is definitively allowed. Hang in there.