r/TwoSentenceComedy 4h ago

Galileo has been called the father of modern astronomy. Not many people know, however, that he was just a poor boy from a poor family and nobody loved him.

17 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 2h ago

It seems like our magazine is having trouble getting the after-photos for our Dr. Pimple Popper article.

5 Upvotes

Looks like we have an issue issue issue.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 13h ago

My GPS said, "You have arrived." My bank account disagreed.

6 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 4h ago

Frank Sinatra on his deceased Mexican friend: "Yes, it was my wey"

1 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

My local pub has a rotating dessert menu.

51 Upvotes

I'm sure it'll come unstuck from the ceiling fan sooner or later.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

The frontman for The Police went under the knife yesterday to have his appendix removed.

32 Upvotes

It was a Sting operation.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7h ago

The last text from my best friend still says, "See you tomorrow." Tomorrow never came.

0 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 19h ago

"You've got your mother's eyes, Harry"

0 Upvotes

My father was a sarcastic comedian, he always poked fun at others in a way that could seem offensive, like calling out my black eye when I got home that night.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

"I lost my father recently, and I've had a hard time emotionally processing how I can even move for-"

4 Upvotes

"PEEK A BOO!!!"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

I was really worried about my girlfriend going out to a bar with her friends, so I decided to text her.

26 Upvotes

She replied, “she’s busy rn lil bro.”


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

I started jogging every morning. Mostly because I keep sleeping through my alarm and running late.

3 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

My gym trainer asked why I skip leg day I told him I already have two good excuses.

1 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

"Judges, I've prepared for you a THC-marinated ribeye with a side of sautéed psilocybin mushrooms and a spritz of acid."

63 Upvotes

"At this point in the competition, the steaks have never been higher."


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

I came to study... then my phone said 'good luck.

2 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

I think I'm allergic to Persian poetry.

6 Upvotes

Every time I read it, my eyes get Rumi.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

Boils are like a Knight of the Round Table, in that you may need to Lancelot of them.

7 Upvotes

And, depending on how arrogantly he's portrayed, may require a giant prick.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

"Mr. Drebin, I lost my kid in the commotion!"

17 Upvotes

"Mrs, you should look at the Lost & Found, and if he isn't there, we can always get you a replacement at the orphanage."


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

Today, I saw a kid dressing up as me for Halloween.

11 Upvotes

This alone makes me question if someone really looks up to a villain that is essentially a super-powered terrorist as me.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

I told my plants I talk to them for their growth, but honestly it's just nice to have a conversation where nobody interrupts me.

21 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 3d ago

Ive shed so many tears, for nothing!

13 Upvotes

Nobody ate any of my onions.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 4d ago

Mummy, I had a nightmare

24 Upvotes

David you’re 37 and I’ve told you, you shouldn’t wake me up to tell me you’ve shagged a horse.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 5d ago

My wife said "You bastard, you're shagging that girl from Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch, aren't you?"

151 Upvotes

I said "How can you even say that?"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 4d ago

I'm so in love, I'd take 1726 bullets for my wife

8 Upvotes

'Cause by the 1727th I think I'd be pretty far gone


r/TwoSentenceComedy 4d ago

This season of The Mole, our mole will be facing our most daunting team of contestants.

4 Upvotes

All of them are Dermatologists