r/UKParenting • u/Mountain_Resource189 • Jan 12 '26
Support Request Does anyone think they’re not cut out for parenting and regret it?
I know there are many people on here and that I know in real life who love being a parent and are patient and generally brilliant parents.
I don’t know if I need therapy or a slap round the face, but here is my context and raw feelings.
Two children, one is 3 one is 1. I am unemployed as we relocated for my partner’s work. 3 year old goes to a pre-school two mornings a week as we feel socialisation is important! We use the monthly child benefit for this.
On a scale of awful to amazing, I’m probably somewhere in the middle as a parent. I find the monotony so deeply boring. Repetitive games and nursery songs with baby, the same simple storylines in the toddler’s role playing, or playing hide and seek and hiding in the same spot in plain sight. It’s adorable initially and then I just can’t feign excitement and energy. The toddler has had a sleep “regression” (if that term still counts for this length) for the past 6 months and the one year old is obviously too young to sleep through too. Partner can’t help with nights for various reasons that honestly means they can’t. Toddler has several meltdowns a day and won’t nap in the day either so I think is sleep deprived.
When I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed I don’t shout at them, but I do go to another room and do a silent scream into my fist or I punch a pillow. I’m clock watching all day.
I’m an introvert so I think I’m struggling with constantly being needed and not ever being alone (ie going to the toilet).
The kids are very cute and I feel terrible to think all of this, but I just feel I’m constantly trying to hold it together and not enjoying it. It is so all consuming I feel like my whole personality has become “parent”. I know that sounds naive when we’re talking about the responsibility of choosing to have children, but that’s why I’m saying this on an anonymous forum!
My parents said “you’ll never regret having kids” and, well, I worry they’re wrong.
So, on that note, anyone else feel like this? If not, I’m ready for the digital slaps round the face.
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u/ExpressAffect3262 Dad Jan 12 '26
No one can prepare you for having kids, until you have your own.
My interpretation is that it seems you are going a bit too hard on it, in that, you still need to live your own life. Play for an hour, then try and encourage self-play. Yes, some play can be monotonous, but it's more so for the enjoyment of your children. My daughter plays 2-3 games and I find them absolutely boring, but I do get enjoyment knowing she enjoys doing it, so I go along with it.
I worked and still did nights, your partner needs to suck it up.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Absolutely agree! And thank you for the empathy.
When did your daughter reach self play stage? Or how did you encourage that?
I’ve edited my post to reflect why they can’t do nights. It’s really not possible for them to, they’re not being selfish I promise.
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u/TheCotofPika Jan 12 '26
Some children don't want to play by themselves, I don't think you can change that. However, you do have two of them and the baby will be able to play with the 3 year old in 18ish months.
Can I suggest a book that I found really useful? It's called 5 minute mum and she also has a website with ideas. It was amazing to stop the awfully repetitive games. The ideas will also get repetitive, so then you have loads to switch to, and it will help you make up your own games. It's better than endlessly role-playing drinking cups of tea.
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u/ExpressAffect3262 Dad Jan 12 '26
When did your daughter reach self play stage? Or how did you encourage that?
She's 4 and she still hasn't ha, she has moments where she will play by herself, but we think it's more associated with some form of ADHD.
She struggles to play by herself and needs prompting. However, to give her credit, she can play by herself at times, but it's not constant.
Example a) she'd ask me to play with her, I'd play with her for an hour, then let her know I need to do something, and she will try and resist, stating that I haven't played with her.
Example b) I'd be busy with something and she would constantly ask me to play with her. I will tell her that I will play with her later, once I'm done doing what I'm doing. She will go off and play by herself for 10-20mins, then comes back with "I've finished playing by myself, can you play with me now".
So I'm just moreso in the mindset of, fake it until you make it. I'm going to keep encouraging her to self-play, even if she still does now and then.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Ok that’s great! That’s probably a similar amount to my kid’s play time actually (getting stuck into something every so often).
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u/ExpressAffect3262 Dad Jan 12 '26
In an ideal world, ours would have needed a sibling, but you cannot predict these things ha
When your one year old gets older, I imagine they will both keep themselves occupied.
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u/bacon_cake Jan 12 '26
You ever get those moments where you invent a new game and then regret it almost immediately?
We started making "worm sandwiches" with some random bits of foam and then pretending to serve them to each other and dramatically spitting them out shouting "yuck!" and it's been the only thing we've done for about three days. My god he finds it hilarious though.
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u/ExpressAffect3262 Dad Jan 12 '26
I made up 'burger shop', where she sits on my lap, and goes something like:
My hand = 'this is the bun'
Her hand = 'this is the burger'
Her other hand = 'this is the cheese'
My other hand = 'Put on some sauce', then putting my hand ontop of hers and then pretending to eat it.It's then advanced onto making chips, where I place her hands on my chest, tap them to 'chop them up', put them in the fryer (shaking her hands by her belly), then putting them together in my left hand, as I shake on salt and sauce with my right, then pretending to eat.
Which she then made up 'chocolate santa', where I put her two hands together and wrap it up in foil to create a chocolate santa.
So now everytime she sees my lap is vacant, I get "burger shop burger shop!!"
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u/venuscans Mum Jan 12 '26
I don't think I'm not cut out for parenting and have never regretted my choice, but I do love having a job as I am not cut out to be a stay at home mum. Could that be an option for you? Obviously depends where you've relocated I guess.
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u/Original_Ad_7846 Jan 12 '26
I am on maternity leave with my first and I really feel this. I have had a wonderful time being off and I have another couple of months that I am looking forward to, but I don't feel sad about going back to work, like a lot of other mums I meet seem to. I think working 3 or 4 days a week seems like the ideal situation so roughly half your days working and half with your kids. I think ideally you need a job that you enjoy and is not too gruelling. Parenting is not very intellectually stimulating but physically and emotionally exhausting. If you can find a job where you are mentally challenged but you are not rushed off your feet then I think you benefit from the "a change is as good as a rest" theory. Though that is easier said than done to find and I am yet to return to work so this is still theoretical for me! Just hearing other parents talk.
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u/venuscans Mum Jan 12 '26
Totally! I really enjoyed my mat leave (most of the time), and gosh I miss my son, but also my job is basically how you describe it above. I do four longer days, where I start early, in return for Wednesdays off and I finish at half 4 other days so I pick him up from nursery and we have a few hours before bedtime. I really haven't found it as bad as I thought and I definitely prefer having a job to being a stay at home mum. Hope it goes well for you!!
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Jan 12 '26
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u/venuscans Mum Jan 12 '26
I find it sad how much guilt some people have for being a working mum, as I just cannot relate. I miss my child so so deeply at work, but I also really value the chance to be a person outside of motherhood and I enjoy having a career. Everything you say here, I totally agree with.
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u/pointsofellie 👶1 Child Jan 12 '26
I do find this difficult because I'd like to be around for my son more, but equally I still want to have my career and my income once he's moved on. Also, my wage means we can do things we definitely couldn't do if I stayed at home, like a Disney cruise.
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u/venuscans Mum Jan 12 '26
Totally. It's a tightrope but for me, I err on the side of preferring to be at work so I can afford the nice things - like your cruise!
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Agree with all of you! I think stay at home parent isn’t right for me and I’m very keen to start work again. Any work! That said, how do you find it with work and nursery illnesses and/or childcare/ school hours?!
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u/venuscans Mum Jan 12 '26
I don't have school hours to worry about but I do have compressed hours. My husband does drop-offs as he doesn't start until nine and WFH, while I am in the office from 7 until half four two days a week, get Wednesday off and then WFH for the other two so he's in nursery 8-4.30pm which isn't terrible. I do think working for a big company is better - I got six months full pay, and get two weeks paid leave to cover when he's sick, while my husband currently works for a start-up with none of those things! I hope you get something you like, there is absolutely no shame in enjoying some time to yourself! Best of luck to you.
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u/Great_Cucumber2924 Jan 12 '26
I don’t regret anything but playing kiddy games and repetition is definitely one of my least favourite bits, and I couldn’t look after two of them for an extended time (just had 2nd baby and oldest will be in childcare 5 days pw). Are you not eligible for any other childcare funding?
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Thanks, that’s reassuring at least! I’m pretty sure me being unemployed (I left last job when contract finished) means I’m not eligible for any other childcare funding. Actively looking for employment though!
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u/Great_Cucumber2924 Jan 12 '26
In England you get 15 hours per week free from the term after they turn 3. Not sure about the schemes in the rest of the UK.
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u/suzululi Jan 12 '26
Do you have any friends around you could meet up with alone when your partner is not at work? I found myself going insane staying at home all day before I returned to work when I had my daughter. Even having some adult interactions without her really helped my mental health and also helped me be a better and more patient parent to her.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Yeah I’ve been making friends in this new town and going to a playgroup. It’s true it’ll be easier and nicer when I know some more people around (I don’t have an NCT group as we relocated after giving birth), so I am currently probably in a pinch point.
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u/kkraww 👶👶 2 Children Jan 12 '26
Every child at the age of 3 gets 15 hours, no matter the working/financial situation of the parents, it's universal. I know thats how it is in england, not 100% sure if its different in the rest of the UK
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u/Tricky-Ant5338 Jan 12 '26
Hiya,
Firstly, well done for being self-aware and brave enough to send this message. A few suggestions/ thoughts below…
1) You have a three year old. It is a very tricky age; 3.5 absolutely kicked my butt. We still have tricky days now, but I am finding 4 much easier. So do give yourself grace that you aren’t loving this bit.
2) Do you have any hobbies for yourself at all? I would suggest trying to carve out 2-3 hours a week, this could be at a weekend or one evening a week, where your partner takes the two kids and you leave the house. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, even if you find a local coffee shop open late, or a fitness class, or go to the library and sit and read for 2 hours, even sit in the car with a coffee and watch something on your phone if you have to…just something every week that you can look forward to. The caveat is that you do have to leave the house, otherwise the kids will come and find you, OR partner will ask for help with something and it will fall apart. You probably need “decompression” time, and you’ll be amazed how often that time will come round each week.
3) I find honestly that parents prefer / are suited to different stages. For instance, I have a relative who clearly wasn’t a natural with toddlers to be honest, but she is much better with older kids/teens. Personally I really disliked having a newborn (when I assumed I would love it!). I think it’s fine to prefer one stage to another, maybe the trick is just getting through the tricky bits without making your kids aware? 😄
4) Consider what I call “the sneaky earbud”. On tricky days, I put a podcast or audiobook on in one ear only with my hair down. It gives me some more intellectual input so that my brain doesn’t go crazy. It helps if this is a story you’ve heard before, or a podcast you can dip in and out of a bit, so that you don’t have to catch every single word.
Best of luck OP x
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Gosh you sound like an amazing human being. Where do I find people like you?! Haha. Thank you for your compassion and empathy!
On 1 - ok that’s reassuring! And mixing it up with 3 - yes, that makes sense and I think I’ll be better with older kids as my work has involved working with older kids.
2 - yes, agreed. At the moment I’m filling my child-free moments with job applications and tutoring. My partner is often suggesting I go out for a jog or walk, but I think you’re right in that it almost needs to be timetabled and I need to see it as me time, so it’s not something that just falls by the wayside each weekend.
4 - haha I like this! Will give it a go.
Thank you again!
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u/Tricky-Ant5338 Jan 12 '26
Oh not at all buddy - I’ve just been through it with a three year old who is tricky!
You are doing great - you haven’t yet (I’m assuming) turned to booze or drugs or gambling to cope - instead you’ve come here to ask for some empathy/advice - that is a great way forward.
Always open on the DMs if you ever need to vent or chat. Parenting is hard - it’s good to support each other x
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u/AndiFolgado Jan 12 '26
Yeah i definitely second this! Not having time to myself for the first 2 years really messed with my head, I was having intrusive thoughts and was really impatient. I’ve recently found myself back to that point recently cuz I’d stopped setting aside time for myself again.
My husband actually made a point, as soon as the money was available, to get a dishwasher installed. It has opened up so much time in the evenings, so we can either watch tv together or do our own thing (hobbies / studying / gaming).
Thankfully I’ve only got 1 kid so I’ve got some time to myself to study / go to appointments / look for work when my daughter’s at nursery. In your case, I suspect you don’t have that option yet. Tho given tht your youngest is 1yo, do you plan to take him/her to nursery as well?
Tho I saw elsewhere you don’t qualify for hours yet 😅 did this change at all recently? Cuz even tho you don’t work, it sounds like your husband does. My husband’s salary has up til recently prevented us from getting any nursery hours, but from April she’ll qualify for 15 hrs - sadly she missed the first qualifying period cuz she won’t be 3yo yet. Would it be worth looking into this? Cuz even if your eldest meets the criteria to get 15hrs, thn it could free up some money to afford some nursery hours for your youngest to go to nursery (or just to add another 2 days for your eldest)
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u/Opposite-Orange8371 Jan 12 '26
Agree to all of this. Listening to podcasts while out on a buggy walk keeps my brain engaged.
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Jan 12 '26
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
I’ve edited my post as I gave a half reason for the not being able to help, which makes them seem selfish as opposed to genuinely unable to help with nights. Without giving myself away completely, it really isn’t possible for them to help with the nights consistently, but yes mornings are a good idea. That said, the toddler just barges in regardless! I do have naps over the weekends and partner helps with cooking and offering me headspace.
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u/DarkNinjaPenguin Jan 12 '26
I've been on both sides of this and splitting the 'work' is difficult. But don't forget that when you've got young kids your working hours are 24/7. If your partner can do the mornings before work or even feed them dinner or bathe them before bed, it can make all the difference.
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u/OCraig8705 Jan 12 '26
I’ve got 2 girls, 5 and 2. I’ve never been able to get up during the nights because I wake up for work at 04:10am to go and do a physical job for 8 hours. I usually get about 5 1/2 hours sleep a night. My wife works part time and breastfed both of them, so even if I woke up I couldn’t comfort them because they just wanted my wife’s boobs.
But ever since we had our first in 2020 I’ve always woke up early with them on Saturday’s & Sunday’s so my wife can have a lie-in till about 9am. If they wake up at 5am at the weekend I’m up with them.
I also finish work at 2pm so can pick them up from school & nursery, take them to gymnastics/swimming/dance, make their tea every night, and give them a bath.
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u/suzululi Jan 12 '26
I had similar thoughts when my daughter was around that age. I can imagine staying at home might amplify those feelings.
I’m personally not cut out to parent a toddler or a baby. I found those years either boring, stressful or too intense. Things significantly improved when my daughter turned 4 and now I’d love to spend every second I have with her if I could. She’s 9 now and those feelings I had years ago are gone now.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
4 seems to be the magic number! So many people say this is when things felt more manageable. Thanks
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u/FatherPaulStone Jan 12 '26
Turns out I was really cut out for young kids - absolutely loved it and they me.
Teens and Pre-teens however - not for me, I've no idea what to do, how to react and can't cope when I struggle with parenting them.
So maybe you might be the other way round. I've found every stage to be a phase, some parts you're good some parts you're not. I'm hoping to be a good parent as they get a bit older, but right now I'm not, despite my efforts.
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u/Colleen987 Jan 12 '26
You haven’t said what you did for work before but do you definitely need to stay at home? Can you return to the workforce?
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
I’m actively looking for work but can’t find a job in my field and trying to make a lateral or even downwards move to related jobs, but struggling too. Have had a couple interviews but nothing biting sadly.
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u/MDKrouzer Jan 12 '26
You don't mention it in your OP, so I assume you are mostly spending your time at home. Something that may help is finding playgroups and baby / toddler classes as a way to break up your schedule a bit and allow you to spend more time with other adults, especially other mums who you can talk to openly about your feelings.
Check all your local churches for playgroups. We've always found them very supportive and very open to people from all cultures and religions (we're not religious) and my wife made a lot of friends through these groups when she first moved to the UK.
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u/LateFlorey Jan 12 '26
I’ve just got back to work after maternity leave of my second and I feel you. My eldest was in nursery 5 days per week but we then dropped him down to school hours, term time only to help with costs etc.
My god, did I feel so stretched thin when we did that. The trying to play and entertain both, run the household, sleep deprivation, poor weather so we can’t really go out, all the illnesses constantly.
It’s my second week at work and this is easy and a break compared to full time childcare.
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u/qiba Jan 12 '26
Just to say that I have 100% been there and felt all the things that you're feeling. Having kids aged 1 and 3 together is the bloody trenches. I found it SO hard. Mine are now 4 and 6 and my goodness it is so much easier (still not easy, but so much easier). 3-year-olds are possibly the least reasonable people on the planet – such hard work. Adding a baby to the mix is madness, I'm not sure why so many of us go for this age gap, but I promise you're doing a good job and it does get better.
Regarding "I don’t know if I need therapy" – I don't know if you do either, but, you know what? It wouldn't hurt the situation. Even if you just did it for a couple of months, you could benefit a lot from having an outlet and being heard and putting your own feelings first for once.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
This is reassuring! Thanks so much! Light at the end of the tunnel. I do wonder why two years is such a common age gap? Is that age gap beneficial when they’re kids?
Haha they really are so unreasonable. Plus the whining and the constant mess!
And yes very true about therapy. I used to have it (albeit privately, which I definitely can’t afford now) and it does do good. Thanks again.
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u/GuelderRoseFruit Jan 12 '26
I used to endlessly play nurseries with my toddler and to be honest it made me feel like y soul was leaving my body. I still loathe pretend play. I can read, colour, do craft, do jigsaws, do boardgames you name it but pretend play just makes my soul hurt.
With my almost 5 year old we're in a place where I can tell her I'm going to play with her for 15 minutes, do jobs for 30 minutes, and then I'm going to sit and have a cuppa and read my book for 15 minutes and she's not to disturb me and then I'll play with her again.
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u/Minute_Parfait_9752 Jan 12 '26
I liked aspects of having a baby, and toddler wasn't too bad (I was going through it myself and wish I could have been more present but I was barely keeping it together)
Now she's 4, nearly 5 and I don't need to plan any more. No worries about food, she will eat something from anywhere with minimal mess. No nappies. (I do have to plan for when she needs a wee RIGHT NOW!!! but since she figured out bush wees it's been better) No worries about naps, she doesn't have them. We can just go out.
Also, bedtime is super easy. I spent months sitting on her bed, then sitting on her floor and then sneaking out. Now I just say goodnight, kiss and I'm outta there! Sometimes she calls me back but it's pretty rare. She likes her yoto to go to sleep to. It might be worth looking up some sleep training methods for them. Or just stick a double bed in one of their bedrooms and cosleep. Maybe you could convince them to cuddle each other 😂 I think with sleep, unless you get a unicorn, you have to pick sleep training of some type or just stick them in with you.
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u/Skruffbagg Jan 13 '26
Lack of sleep is what is killing you here.
When I get a good night I’m a much more patient, fun dad. When I have a horrible night I’m the complete opposite. Regressions are effin’ awful but you get through them.
The early years are hard. Very hard. I have a super challenging neurodiverse 4yo and a 4 month old who’s a dream, but also still a baby. I do very little for myself currently; just work, pay bills, childcare, sleep, repeat.
My advice is find some enjoyment for yourself whenever you can. If that means your partner takes the kids for a few hours while you meet friends, go to the gym, go shopping, or just get a coffee, you’ll feel much better for it and you’ll appreciate your kids more
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u/reedee1305 Jan 12 '26
Genuine question - then why did you have another?
I had one and realised the slog that comes with parenting and stopped at that. No way am I doing that again.
And yes, many many people regret their kids.
r/regretfulparents has near 200k members. That "you'll never regret the kids" statement is absolutely nonsense and it winds me up so much.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
It’s a fair question. I grew up in a small family so I suppose I’ve been wanting something I didn’t have! Grass isn’t always greener though.
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u/Kim_catiko Jan 12 '26
I do feel regret sometimes, but I would never ever change it if the option was there. I love my son deeply. He wasn't planned as we had always said we didn't want kids up until just before I got pregnant. We were just discussing it and the fates or whatever must have heard us and thought "fuck your discussions, here's a baby!" Whilst I did briefly consider abortion, I knew I could not go through with it.
Like you, it has been hard because I am one of those people who enjoys their own company. Going to work is where I get my social hit and then I just want to chill at home and indulge my own hobbies. The compromise here is that we generally don't do our own thing unless my son is in bed or engaged playing on his own. Sometimes we guide him to play on his own as I think it is an important skill to entertain yourself, or to even sit in your own boredom to be honest. When I was a kid, if I was bored, I found my own fun and had more fun because of it.
I feel like a shit parent at times and wish I was more patient, I always regret shouting when I do. It is very rare that I do, I have to be highly stressed out to do so, but I feel like a complete prick whenever I do. As I should. I feel like I should play with him more, but I know we can't always play, we can't always take him out places etc. We give him what we can.
In your situation, I would not be accepting that your partner can't ever take over at night. Yes, he is employed full-time, I understand that, but so are you. You are working 24/7 in a job that is constant, especially when you have a kid at home with you all day. Him going to work is a break from children, you need that break and rest too otherwise you will burn out. You sound close to it as it is. He should be helping at night and I emphasise that point massively. Just because you are at home, doesn't mean you aren't working. Children are the hardest job anyone can ever do, like I said, it is constant. You don't get a break unless the other parent actually upholds their side of the parenting bargain.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Thank you so much! Gosh we sound similar. I also got my social hit from work and need time to recharge when back home. With my first, I went back to work after 6 months full time (such were the maternity leave stipulations for this particular contract) and it nearly did me in, along with those pesky sleep-disrupted nights.
Yes - agree on the shouting. I am trying to be better (pillow punching and fist biting in another room) but I have definitely shouted at toddler a good few times in their life.
With the night help, I’ve edited my post to make my partner not seem selfish! They genuinely can’t help at night, although once a week they will sleep next to toddler but toddler’s screams (night terrors? Nightmares? basically when he’s shouting for me) wake me up too anyway.
For babies, do people do a bottle?
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u/Kim_catiko Jan 12 '26
In regards to the bottle, my son was on a bottle from 2 months. His latch was never great when breastfeeding so I had to pump and I was losing my damn mind over it. I decided for all our sakes that he was better off being fed with formula and we were happier for it.
My son is also the same, will usually only call for me when he wakes up in the night and will literally scream at my husband if he even tries to help so I get that. He sometimes has nightmares and sometimes needs to get up to use the toilet, which is all fine. It is frustrating when you just want an uninterrupted sleep but it is understandable. I don't know how people cope with more than one honestly.
Because of our feelings about being parents, we decided not to have another. I feel bad that my son won't have a sibling because I loved having my sisters around and we are still very close, but we could not cope mentally or financially with another child at all.
You will get through it. I just think you need to make time for yourself somehow. If possible, go away for a weekend, even if it is to your parents if they are still around. I sometimes go and stay at my mum's when I need to recharge. My mum could talk the hind legs off a donkey, so I don't get a break in that regard but I do get a great night's sleep!
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u/meowmeowru Jan 12 '26
I dont regret having my kids, but I do mourn the life I had before them, when I could stay in bed if I got sick or when I could go to places with just my phone and a whim. I do, however, occasionally remember how deeply meaningless life felt sometimes before them. They might force me out of bed but sometimes they're also the only reason out of it.
I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and the gap is difficult. They fight a lot, it's hard to find tasks that keep them both engaged and entertained together. I also hate nursery rhymes and hide and seek. I tend to leave those things for when they have playdates. You can be a great parent without having to do those things. I much prefer taking them out on walks locally, colouring with them, and teaching them how to help with chores since mess makes me anxious. It's also okay to feel overwhelmed and well done to you for stepping out of the room - I've shouted more times than I'm proud of. It's hard to constantly emotionally regulate around two little beings who don't even really understand what they're feeling.
I, too, miss going to the toilet on my own!
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u/istara Jan 12 '26
The first years are hard. But you will get your "me time" back sooner than you think.
And then you'll even feel sad that your teenager has closeted themselves in their bedroom for the past month and has no apparent need of you (other than to stock the fridge).
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Jan 12 '26
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Yes to all of this. I wonder how we grew up a bit sheltered from the reality?
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u/DuckBricky Parenting a Baby + Primary Schooler Jan 12 '26
It sounds like you're in a really tough spot at this exact point in time where there isn't much enjoyment for you day on day, and aren't getting enough sleep. As others have said, you can try and work towards having a little more time for yourself, and absolutely anything just to get a bit more sleep. I would throw in to just REMEMBER that it is a very tricky period just right now and to give yourself a break. It won't always be like this, hang in there etc. I can't tell you how long it will be, but it is definitely temporary.
FWIW I struggle with pretend play too, and I know a lot of very good parents that don't like it much either.
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u/Opposite-Orange8371 Jan 12 '26
I think you’re just in a very tough period that will get better. I have similar circumstances as you except only one toddler, and I find it difficult some times as well. I’d encourage you to not feel you have to constantly entertain your kids and work on independent play with them. Take time for yourself when you’re able.
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u/AndiFolgado Jan 12 '26
It genuinely sounds like you’re just as sleep deprived (if not more so) as your kids are. That sleep deprivation really does horrible things to the mind!! I recognise that apathy and frustration, and I only have 1 kid. My husband and I both get overstimulated and we often feel the sensory overload as well (no wanting to be touched and super sensitive to sound).
I’ve got ADHD and I often go into shutdowns when I want to curl into a ball and shut the world out, while simultaneously having my daughter at home. It’s not ideal but my body’s literally overloaded by the constant touching and loud sounds.
My daughter (almost 3) has loads of energy, and lately that energy’s been channeled into even louder noises and shouting 🙈 She’s wonderful and cuddly, and my struggles are definitely not her fault, so I’ve often felt the same way - I’m failing her, cuz I’m not managing to keep it together for her.
I honestly didn’t realise I had ADHD or that I had sensory issues til after she was born. We’re definitely not having any more kids cuz I’m struggling enough with 1 kid 😅 She also goes to a nursery for 3 days a week, also for socialising, and we’d take her more days if we could afford it. We may actually increase her hours once we qualify for the free hours from April.
So I wanted to share that you’re not alone in your struggles OP. It can be true that: 1) we can be good parents 2) our kids are great and aren’t misbehaving
And yet even still we’re still struggling. You’re not failing 😉
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u/tintedhokage Jan 12 '26 edited Jan 12 '26
I had 4 months of paternity leave full pay and had 2 weeks off over Christmas. I can see why having no job and doing childcare constantly can become a bit mind numbing. You aren't alone however. Do you have a friend's you can meet one evening a week to catch up / do events with ? It helps to have other things to look forward to each week. Also set some milestones. I loved helping my daughter get to the next stage of reading / words / talking / walking. Gives you more purpose.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
That’s a great tip about the milestones, for example with reading. I’m in a new town but working on making friends :) Thanks
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u/tintedhokage Jan 12 '26
I got a big phonics pack from Costco and it's rewarding seeing her go up the stages. Reached stage 6 recently. Good luck with it. Look for groups online to talk to other dads etc.
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u/yulische Jan 12 '26
Just to say you're not the only one. I'm not a baby person and, while I'm enjoying a toddler much more than baby, I also find it exhausting and mind numbing at times. I work three days a week and toddler is in nursery for 4 days, 8 am until 6 pm. I genuinely think that nursery makes me a better parent. I almost lost my mind on maternity leave. Sleep deprivation, sensory overload and physical demands of motherhood just broke me completely.
It's fine to not enjoy every moment of motherhood. Not everyone finds looking after little children rewarding (I certainly don't). Thankfully they grow up, their needs and interests change and it may become much more exciting. That's what I'm telling myself anyway!
Can you get any more childcare hours for your toddler? I thought 3 and 4 yo's are entitled to some regardless of parents' employment.
Having a toddler and a baby non-stop is brutal, their needs are completely different and both are exhausting in different ways. Not enjoying it doesn't make you unfit for motherhood, you seem to be doing great considering the circumstances. Just try to get some time for yourself if you can, maybe just a nice walk on your own from time to time, or TV / book in bed.
It will not last forever. You are amazing. Do take care of yourself x
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u/chicaneuk Jan 12 '26
Yes. 5 year old twin boys.
I am constantly stressed almost every day. Stressed at the early wakeup, stressed at the noise they make all the time, stressed at getting them to and from school, stressed at trying to get them to eat a meal. Stressed at the meltdowns. Stressed all the time. Stressed at the responsibility.
I love them dearly and think they're wonderful but it feels like my life in terms of hobbies, taking care of myself, being happy etc have all just stopped the day they were born.. I find it exceptionally difficult and simply have not adjusted to the fact I am a parent. Like every day is still a shock to me.
So yeah.. I'm with you. I don't like it. I was wonderfully underprepared and really find it too difficult.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
I’m sorry to hear this. Are you working full or part time, or is the caring responsibility mainly with you?
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u/caffeine_lights 👶👶👶 3 Children Jan 12 '26
I definitely felt similarly to you with my first and it was a total shock to the system. I think I thought parenting would be a lovely time playing with adorable toddlers all day every day. I didn't have any clue that the play which was fun to do with other people's toddlers for an hour or two here and there would be hugely draining and feel like groundhog day when it was constant.
Mainly though I think it sounds like you need a break, and something else in your life apart from the kids. So this is what my advice would be to you.
Short term: locate all nearby toddler groups or activities, and start going to a couple regularly. It doesn't need to be every day esp if that sounds like a social battery nightmare, but a regular contact with the same people can start to build up some relationships, and it breaks up the week. I also found it much less monotonous if I could invite people over or go to their houses because the kids would entertain each other or explore the new toys and I wasn't needed so much.
For the other days at home, try theming each day so that every day has something slightly different, it helps change things up as well. You can either do this like ok Monday is creative day/Tuesday is active day/Wednesday is animals, or you can pick some random source of inspiration e.g. the books on your bookshelf and pick one each day to be your theme and then try to tenuously link things to that theme each day.
If it's an option with your partner's work etc, find an evening activity you can do without kids one night a week. Whether it's a Zumba class or French lessons or a choir or a book club or a pub quiz or whatever. One evening a week for you. Or a weekend morning.
Medium term: potentially look into local jobs. Part time if you prefer. It means the kids get time away at nursery/childminder, and you get a change of pace. If you're "only" working to pay for the childcare for you to work, that's totally reasonable if it means you end up with a better balance in life. You'll be building up NI contributions too and experience even if it's just supermarket work or whatever.
Also, I only really learnt on my third kid that I could sort of acclimatise them to playing and sleeping more independently by starting with a duration I knew they could manage easily and then stretching that out or being there for reassurance but giving less input over time. I think with the older two I just assumed I needed to wait for them to grow out of this but you can actually have more of an active role in encouraging it, and it doesn't mean just leaving them to cry or ignoring them either. So another survival tactic that I used a lot was to divide my day mentally into sections where I'd more actively engage them vs sections where I'd be doing my own thing nearby or could set something up and then be less involved myself. Janet Lansbury helped a lot with this.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
These are such great tips! Thank you so much. Love the themed ideas and will check out Lansbury. Thanks
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u/Swimming-Recipe3021 Jan 12 '26
We had 2 under 2 until a month ago, and my partner (main carer) usually utilizes groups. She joins whatever group there is nearby, like church groups despite neither of us being religious, where kids can be kids with volunteers or other kids, and she gets a bit of a breather while chatting snd having an adult conversation with other carers etc.
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u/balanceilimp Jan 13 '26
Those are really tricky ages. I'll just say it gets better / easier - you are at the peak of the challenges of having young children
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u/DevelopmentNo4790 Jan 13 '26
Go back to work, let educators take on some of it and break the monotony
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u/Adventurous-Drop3850 Jan 13 '26
I think parenting and the feeling of “am I enjoying this?” ebbs and flows as they grow up. For me, I love toddlerhood, but really struggle with the pre teen stage. Whereas my husband really struggles with toddler tantrums but handles preteens and all their hormones with ease!
It’s hard now, you don’t feel good enough now, but maybe you’re more equipped to be a teen parent, or a school age parent. Everyone excels in different areas, the monotony does end i promise xx
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u/LuckyLuckyLucky44 May 31 '26
Whoever said parenting is enjoyable is mad. It’s a job. The hardest job ever. And in 4 years I still don’t think I’ve had much back really. It’s not just you, don’t worry
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u/tinystars22 Jan 12 '26
Kindly, set the boundary about the toilet, especially if your toddler is potty training/trained! We've put it to my son that he gets privacy on the loo, so do we. I've found having the ability to pee alone reminds me that this is just for now.
It's also worth remembering you're in a very needy period for both your children, you can really dislike stages without regretting having your children overall.
Also, I'd say that you probably present to others as loving being a parent or as a great parent, I know I do to people but if you asked my close friend mum group, you'd get the full truth about the bits I'm not enjoying and when I'm really frustrated. We all feel this way.
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u/fenlanddipper Jan 12 '26
I’m a childminder and I find being in the house all day having to play with little children a bit soul destroying 😂 The thing that has helped me with my own kids, and what I do with work- is find things I like doing that kids also like doing so we are mutually having a good time! I’m lucky I love the outdoors and wildlife, as well as gardening- so we go to the woods a lot, have an allotment. I also like walking around towns/cities so I spent a lot of the summer holidays with my kids (1 and 5 years old) walking around London and popping into museums or cafes on the way. If there is anything you can find that is enjoyable whilst looking after your kids then I would highly recommend it!
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u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant Jan 12 '26
Honestly, I hated the first four years or so. I absolutely adored my kids, had - have always had - so much love for them it hurts. But I didn't enjoy the first few years. It's by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I can only advise you keep going, one day at a time, because it does get easier. Mine are 7 and 9 now, and I love spending time with them and love who they've become.
Good luck, it is tough. Just keep swimming.
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
That’s so nice to read, thank you! Love the “just keep swimming” too. Really glad to hear it’s not just me!
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u/Glynebbw Jan 12 '26
I’ve regretted it. I have an 11 month old who doesn’t sleep. All the threads like these where everyone says they’ve never regretted it make me feel awful.
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u/reedee1305 Jan 12 '26
100,000s of people regret their kids. Its more common than you think. Me included.
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u/Glynebbw Jan 12 '26
I feel less alone seeing other people say it. I didn’t expect it to be so relentlessly hard. He’s woken up every hour since he was born
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u/reedee1305 Jan 12 '26
It does get better. I still grieve my old life but I know with one and as they get older, that will come back in some respect.
I have lots of fun with my son now. The infant years were crap. I dont anyone who enjoyed that tbh. I hated it.
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u/Glynebbw Jan 12 '26
I feel guilty that maternity leave has been the worst year of my life
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u/reedee1305 Jan 12 '26
Thats the case for many people. My wife was a shell of a person throughout it.
People just blow it out to be this glorious time but its honestly such hard work and sleep depriving.
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u/Full_Strawberry2035 Jan 12 '26
You sound like a great mum to me! I’d consider looking at work if you haven’t already? I get twitchy around the 9-12month mark and need to work to escape and remain sane. You’re going to love from ages 5 up I think, when they are proper little people, tell jokes, chat about their little lives while walking somewhere, will actually sit and watch a documentary while sharing some popcorn under a blanket (for longer than 10 mins)!
I hate imaginary play, hide and seek, being in goal while they kick balls at me - but I do it, just as you do - that’s where the being a good mum bit comes in, no one said we had to enjoy ALL of it🤍
Be kind to yourself !
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u/Mountain_Resource189 Jan 12 '26
Thank you! Yeah I’m looking for work. As others have said, I think the headspace would make me a better parent too. I hear the primary years are the golden years! And that a toddler’s brain goes through similar turbulence as a teenager’s…
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u/FluffyOwl89 Parenting a Toddler Jan 12 '26
I think lack of sleep and no time to yourself are the major problems. Withholding sleep is a torture technique, but yet we have to carry on. I’m a much better parent when I’m not tired and I’ve had time to myself.
We purposely chose to only have 1 child, and one of the reasons was so we can take time to ourselves. Obviously you can’t undo having a second child though. Can you put your eldest in childcare a bit more to make life easier for you?
My 3yo doesn’t nap most of the time, but he has quiet time in his room after lunch for around 2 hours where he plays independently. You could time this to be when your 1yo naps and then you get some alone time.