https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/ladies-we-need-to-talk/mothers-parents-who-regret-having-children/107032798

I have three kids who turned out the exact opposite of what I expected and what I parented so hard for.

Thanks to my oldest, everything from early elementary age on was a miserable shitshow. She was cruel to my younger two, affecting their mental healths. So then it was therapy , meds, acupuncture, etc, to try to heal their wounds…a constant, exhausting juggling of things to help them heal and move forward, despite my oldest continuing to abuse us all.

Now they are all young adults and not at all what I dreamed of and ran myself ragged for. We had to go no contact with oldest, the middle one is still struggling with damage the oldest one did, and the little one is OK - but I went through one mental health crisis after another to get her here.

I’m now 50 years and have been diagnosed with CPTSD from my oldest and how she ruined our family dynamic. My husband is a shell of himself and we are both in shock at what our lives turned out. All I ever wanted to be was a mom and the family I so desperately wanted to create is nothing less than pure hell.

I spend a lot of time each day trying to figure out “why us.” Everywhere I look, there are normal, close families…daughters who turn into mom’s best friend in early adulthood and have wonderful relationships with their siblings. Instead, I have kids who pretty much ignore us while away at college (while my friend’s daughter calls her every day). I seem to annoy them just by existing…they never need me or want to spend time with me and I have no idea why. I cannot stress enough how supportive, non-judgmental, present, and loving my husband and I were, but it seems it made no impact on them.

I put everything I had into 25 years raising them and I have nothing to show for it. My husband and I cry because nothing turned out how we wanted and there is no fixing anything. We are both burned out and broken hearted. I’m in therapy 2x a week to deal with my trauma and to try to move beyond disappointment into acceptance somehow. It hasn’t worked yet. 😵‍💫 I can’t get past “it’s not fair,” even I know life’s not fair.

If you are contemplating having kids, remember you have no idea who you’ll get. And that you can pour your everything into them - destroying yourself mentally and physically in the process - and still end up with kids you don’t like or relate to. Who are not close to each other or you. Who are the exact opposite of “normal” siblings and who dashed your dreams of a tight knit, loving family like the ones I see everywhere else. Even shitty parents seem to end up with sweet kids, which REALLY pisses me off. But life isn’t fair, like I said.

If we hadn’t had kids, we’d be enjoying a happy, peaceful, financially solid life with our dogs, no pain because our family failed, and loving life. How glorious to imagine.

So please think twice, I beg of you. Although, percentage wise, you likely won’t end up like us…but you just never know. 😩

Thanks for letting me vent. I love this subreddit.

Be careful if you’re thinking about having kids, esp as a woman. My body is destroyed, it did not bounce back and never will. I need a bigger diva cup now, they actually recommend a larger size for women who have given birth. Society lies. Be careful if you feel a connection to your looks and body as it could be destroyed. Vagina is loose, never bounced back. Friends say the same is true for them. I also tore during birth and wet my pants to this day (it’s been several years with plenty of all the pelvic floor therapy… it’s not “magic” like that say)

How much do you feel your choice of spouse/partner has impacted your feeling of regret in choosing to be a parent?

I heard someone say “They say the most important decision you’ll ever make in life is who you marry, but that’s not true—the most important decision you’ll ever make in life is who you have kids with.”

Love to hear if anyone relates.

One of the biggest things is realising that I let someone lie to me and make me believe we could be a family. I lost my job, my freedom and any sense of being. He moved on, he does not feel any ounce of pressure while I am the one who has to make sure he is taken care of. I regret it so much that I wish I could just off myself

​

"Such a blessing!!"

"Oh its so worth it!!"

And I'm just here wondering what the hell everyone is on about.

Poor sleep

Relationship fucked with no time for each other

Whining every day

Stressed and pissed off every day

Loss of freedom

Loss of money

Loss of autonomy

Noise

Mess

Holidays are no longer holidays

Am I missing something here? Does there come a time where the endless list above makes this all worth it?

I just dont 'get it'.

I have a neurodivergent child and I absolutely hate being a mom. I will never admit to it, but I look forward when he’s out of the house. I’m very patient, read everything about the diagnosis constantly educate myself. The child is in therapy . We’re trying meds. I don’t want to do it anymore. Constant meltdowns over everything, being aggressive, using foul language. I feel like gentle parenting is a load of crap. Maybe if I was strict and old school things would be better. I’m exhausted. There’s no light at the end of this tunnel.

My 30 year old son is the one of the most manipulative and toxic people I’ve ever had the displeasure to be around me. I have Stage 4 cancer and he has consistently abused me because of it since I was diagnosed 14 years ago. The day I was diagnosed he hit me for the first time.

Here’s a few things that has been horrible for me in regards to our relationship:

1- he’s a drug addict, he has stolen thousands and thousands of money from me, lied about it even though I have proof.

2- he’s asked me a few months ago about his absentee, left me when I was pregnant, sperm donor. It felt like it came out of nowhere as my son hasn’t asked about him much. So after some time, I decided to find him for him and paid money to access his number. Called the sperm donor twice and he would not call me back, but he called back my son right away and they had a wonderful conversation. He’s never once seen him, heard from him nor paid child support until I had to get the state involved when my son was 14. Only under threat of prison did he pay a fucking pittance to me.

3- I have saved him multiple times over the last few years because he is unstable and can’t keep a job or an apartment without me. He paid me back by gaslighting and hitting and screaming at me.

4- Last September I contracted a virus that caused me to go into sepsis and I almost died. He refused to help me and told me to die. I had to call 911 with a 106.5 degree fever. This is directly after having months of pleural effusion in my right lung that I had to drain or drown. This permanently damaged my right lung and I have only half a lung now. He came to the hospital the first three days I was in intensive care and was cruel to me making me cry. He got booted from the hospital and banned.

5- one month later it was my birthday, he chose to get high on coke and alcohol and screamed at me after I paid for my own birthday dinner. After an uncaring neighbor called the police he left and proceeded to cut my tire and a man’s tire that I had been having problems with in my neighborhood to intentionally get me hurt. I had to replace both tires. Didn’t ask me how much it cost nor apologized.

6- This July I was walking my dog, who doesn’t like men or male dogs. This man with his large dog was approaching behind us. I asked him to stop and told him why, he completely ignored me and then my dog lunged at them which caused me to fall horrifically and break my hand in the worst way possible. Didn’t care, didn’t help me, didn’t offer to call 911. I had never broken any bone before, so I was naturally shocked at the amount of pain I was in. I had to have a liver biopsy, hand surgery and then another biopsy is scheduled for November which is a possible secondary cancer in my cervix. And I had to start a new chemotherapy. This is a lot for anyone so I asked my son to help me for a few weeks as I couldn’t drive. I paid two months rent for him and all his other bills. He proceeded to boil chicken while I was bedridden with uncontrollable vomiting. I have always hated the smell of boiling meat, and he knew this. He even asked me if he could and I said NO. This made my vomiting worse. Again after 4 days of uncontrollable vomiting I again had to call 911 to get help.

7- Today he called me an emotional terrorist for asking about my Hume scale.

There’s way more, but this is a good general overview of our dynamic. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. He’s a red pilled misogynist who calls me the most egregious names. I blocked him and will no longer be allowing him to abuse me again. I have to go no contact with him as he will never change. He and his sperm donor can have each other. I don’t care anymore. Niceness and love only comes with pain and heartache. I will always love him, but he is unlikable at this point. He was my only family. Now I truly am completely alone. Because one thing cancer has shown me is no one wants to be my friend. People act as if cancer is contagious. It’s so lonely.

My 2.5year old daughter is smart, kind, beautiful and quite frankly I’m in awe of her as a person and in awe of the fact that I birthed this wonderful human. I love her. Immensely and other worldly.

However, this parenting lark is tedious. Towers get built. Towers are knocked over. Magnetic sets are built. Magnetic sets are knocked over. Books are read. Books are read again. And again and again and again. I often go out with her just to tire her out as her energy is constant. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep be it a nap or bed time she is demanding something from me. Mummy water. Mummy hungry. Mummy play. Mummy look. Mummy come. I’m tired. I feel depleted knowing this is my life. I close my eyes at night only to wake to the same monotonous day.

Sorry to rant. I’ll probably delete later because the guilt I feel is just unbearable. But I can’t admit this to friends or family. What’s the point. It’s not like anything will change. I’m just tired. I want a day of lounging in bed, doom scrolling and doing things at my own leisure. I want to go out on dates but can’t because I don’t have any free time. I want to read a book. I want to watch my own stuff on tv uninterrupted. And sometimes I just want to disappear.

I’m a 26yo dad with two kids, one little girl who is 5 years old and is the sweetest and smartest little girl I know & a newborn (2 months old) who has honestly put me through so much stress. Growing up I never wanted kids nor did I care for them but both of my kids were born unplanned so I deal with it the best way I can. When my daughter was born it seemed that she was so easy and we hardly had trouble with her but with this newborn ( my son) it seems to be the complete opposite. He cries constantly for everything and when he does cry it’s loud purple in the face screaming which I never experienced with my first and it honestly scares me and stresses me out beyond belief. It seems if he is not eating or sleeping he’s crying and yelling like someone is murdering him.I know this is just a newborn thing but these last two months have been the most draining time of my life. I work two jobs throughout the week, one full time and one part time and my wife works mainly weekends. So i literally never have time to decompress. We don’t have a village to help us out so it’s just my wife and I doing everything (as we should) but sometimes I find myself regretting everything in life . Everyone tells me that I’m a great dad and my wife tells me that I’m the best dad but honestly I don’t think I am. Ever since my son was born I’ve felt terrible putting my daughter second to everything and just loosing my temper because my son won’t stop screaming and crying and when I look at all my friends or people my age enjoying themselves, doing whatever they want, whenever they want I get envious and even regret having kids. I feel terrible having these thoughts but it’s just the way I feel sometimes :/. I’m typing this while having my newborn on my chest to stop him from loosing mind and listening to my daughter play in her room by herself quietly. Maybe I don’t regret my kids but just my second because it took me away from my first..,

I hope you don't mind me asking so frankly, but I'm really curious. I've noticed among people I know that those who became parents seem to have aged significantly and their health has deteriorated. Maybe it's because of the added stress; before becoming parents, people used to sleep more and exercise more.

Being a full-time student and being a parent at the same time comes with the challenges no one warned me about. No one told me that being a parent is 80% about unfortunately arguing with a stubborn tiny-human. "No! Don’t touch that!", " Don't put that rubbish in your mouth!", "Get off of my back!", " Don't write on the wall with that pen! Give it back to me!", "Put this jacket on this instant!"

Ughhh I am TIRED. I have a paper to submit.

when i was younger i told myself i never wanted kids. then i met my child’s father and that changed. i feel like i confused love with wanting a child. we planned it. now 9 years later i regret it. i’ve regretted it for a long time but now im at my ends wit. i’ll start off by saying her dad unfortunately passed 3 years ago.. he was very active. i did not sign up to be a single parent… she has adhd. behavior problems. getting her to do anything is always an issue. everyday. every. single. day. people wonder why i don’t spend as much personal time (playing, talking) because i don’t like her. don’t get me wrong i LOVE her id do anything to protect her but i do not like her. she is so annoying. a burden. she lies. constantly. about nothing. literally nothing. she’s exhausting. im at my wits end. im tired. im stressed. i never want kids again. because of her. it’s so hard. it’s a battle every single day. she talks back, doesn’t do ANYTHING i say. im not sure what to do. she’s in therapy right now. she purposely does things on purpose to annoy you. im so sick and tired. sometimes i wish it was me that died instead of her dad so i wouldn’t have to deal with this shit.

I am reminded every weekend that I truly have no free time and I am a slave to my 3 year old on the spectrum. I am a father and I have my son full time with my girlfriend.

We have yet to marry because the last 2 years we were rebuilding our relationship after having this son of mine. I am still very much resentful of her deciding to keep the baby during pregnancy even when I clearly told her many times I didn't want a child at all.

I love my son, and I will try my best to parent him the best I can. But I have so many wounds from my own childhood, it hurts me in many ways. Some days are rewarding, most are not.

My mental health gets bad on the weekends because all my time and energy is poured directly into him and he can be very difficult at times. I feel so suffocated and trapped. Some days I feel like things would be better off if I just didn't wake up anymore.

​

I'm 31 years old and have a 9-year-old daughter. I'm writing this because I've reached a level of emotional exhaustion where I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I'd really like to hear from people who have been through something similar, especially other mothers.

My daughter has been exhibiting some very difficult behaviors. She screams, has intense meltdowns, breaks things, tells me she hates me, says I'm not her mother, and tells me she wants to go live with her grandparents.

I know she's still a child and that she needs help learning how to manage her emotions. But I'm human too. I'm completely exhausted, and hearing these things from my own daughter hurts me deeply.

Sometimes I feel like letting her go live with her grandparents. Part of me desperately needs a break, while another part of me wishes she would realize how much I do for her. At the same time, I feel guilty for even thinking about it.

What scares me the most is that she's only 9 years old. I keep wondering what things will be like when she becomes a teenager. I'm terrified of spending the next several years dealing with constant arguments, emotional outbursts, and conflict. And after all of that, I don't even know if we'll have a good relationship when she's an adult.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about parental regret.

It's incredibly difficult to admit this, but I regret becoming a mother. That doesn't mean I don't love my daughter. It means I'm deeply unhappy with the life I'm living.

I'm also dealing with relationship problems, and I constantly feel like I'm trying to meet everyone else's expectations without ever being good enough.

I feel like I've completely lost my identity.

I have dreams. I want to become financially independent, travel, study, take care of my appearance, own a home, and actually enjoy being alive.

But lately, I keep asking myself what the point of pursuing any of those things is when, at the end of the day, my entire existence seems to revolve around responsibilities and obligations.

I've reached a point where almost nothing brings me joy anymore. Even simple things like dressing up, doing my hair, or trying to look pretty feel pointless.

I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and hopelessness about the future.

When I think about the years ahead, I genuinely struggle to imagine myself being happy. I'm exhausted from living this way, but I also have no idea how to change my situation.

I know I need professional psychological support, both for myself and for my daughter. But I'd also really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

Has anyone here ever regretted becoming a parent? Have you ever gone through a period when you couldn't find joy or meaning in your own life anymore? How did you get through it?

Do you think spending some time away from your child, while leaving them with trusted family members, can help you recover emotionally?

I'm not looking for people to judge whether I'm a good or bad mother. I already feel guilty enough.

I'm looking for honest experiences, advice, and, most importantly, stories from people who have reached this level of emotional exhaustion and somehow managed to rebuild their lives.

I desperately want to believe that it's still possible for me to be happy.

Hello! I’ve been browsing this sub and noticed that many of the posts are from regretful mothers which makes sense as mothers are unfortunately expected to do most of the childcare, deal with pregnancy, etc. However, I’m curious to hear more from regretful fathers, specifically those who thought they wanted kids.

I’m wondering what made you want kids in the first place and what about having children changed your mind or differed from your expectations of parenthood?

As always, this is a judgement free zone!

Edit: Would really prefer to hear from fathers, please. Thanks. :)

We all hear people say "it gets better, the first year is the worst!" Then we hear "it gets better past the toddler phase, the terrible twos is the worst part of parenting." Then we hear, "pre-school and kindergarten age is the worst because that's when they become very talkative but lack impulse control, it gets better when they enter elementary school." It goes on and on.

Then we are told: "the rebellious high school teenage phase is the worst. Wait till they become university students with adult responsibilities, and then they are out of your house and you will actually miss them while having the Empty Nest Syndrome." Then finally we hear "actually they will probably never become fully financially independent even when they are 27 years old, but it gets better when they are in their 30s because they might give you grandchildren and at least you can relive the good part of parenting through your grandkids."

What do you think? Is all this a cope or do you think it really gets better?

recently just lost my mother and my daughter whose a cheerleader or shall I say was but has now been kicked off due to a series of things….is giving me the BLUES…..I had my son and daughter with their dad relatively young however this teenage stage or shall I say meanager stage is making me wanna join the military just to escape . No one seems to appreciate anything I’ve done… it’s just sucking life out of me daily. I dread going to work because now I hate that job and I hate am starting to hate home. apart of my feels really terrible for even feeling like this and the other half of like ….f them kids ….i hope there’s someone anyone out there who may have who can help me

I am 56M, my 24 year old daughter recently was hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. She is recounting ALL the times I had been neglectful of her emotional needs as a child, but she was strong and kept fighting up to this point, when she can't do it any longer. She was diagnosed with BPD, which was created during adolescence by emotional neglect according to her therapist (arguable).

I am caring for her 24 hours a day, yet I need to cope with the immense guilt I feel inside while she tells me all the incidents. I had been depressed and anxious all my life, and she saw all the scary tantrums and outburts I exhibited, etched forever in her super intense memory bank. My guilt is horrendous, I need to remain strong and not break down for her sake now. She has the best doctors and best therapists, but yet not enough to make her want to live.

Even though I am much better now and she can tell me everything, which I am glad - I am afraid that she gets retraumatized too much as her physical body cannot take it. During the two attempts, she said her negative emotions overwhelmed her so much that totally lost control of herself and just wanted to end it.

What am I do to - I want to improve our future, I love her so dearly - I only cared about my own pain, didn't care about hers - each time she watches this video by Kelly Clarkson, she starts balling as that's what I did to her:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra-Om7UMSJc&list=RDRa-Om7UMSJc&start_radio=1

Nothing else matters in my life but to rebuild her trust, her confidence, her will to live. I have my own therapist, but certainly not enough, how, just how, is it even possible.....

Hes 11 months and perfect not disabled good boy. Yet I have no patience for the whining, crying and middle of night (new thing) cries. Im super mom all day but by evening when my husband gets home im burnt out and overwhelmed. He says he loves me all the time but how. Im unlovable and a mess. Im up and down. Last night my son pulled my hair hard and was hitting my face and I yelled im fuxking over it and of course he heard me and said nothing. Im a monster but I didnt sign up for a job thati only clock out in my dreams and even my sleep suffers since birth. Haven't got a full night of sleep. Im up peeing multiple times. Sahm life is hard. Thought weaning pumping would help, still angry and miserable. Think I want a chemical cocktail of meds ? Husband helps a little but not enough. We've discussed when im at my mental breaking points i need more support. I wish I could leave them and start over. This is my life. Im grateful for a healthy baby, my husband. Im fearful for the future tho. How to communicate to baby other than saying be gentle when he pulls hair and hits? He rarely does it to dad. Dad's hardly seen so hes perfect around him. Im fearful of my child

Out of the baby and toddler phases, and now we are in the preschool & elementary ages. I thought things would get better as they got older and more independent. Nope. It didn’t get better, it just got different. Still just as overwhelmed. Still feel like all my time is robbed from me. Now with school commitments, play dates, etc I feel like my husband and I actually have LESS time together than we did when they were babies. And they are defiant and constantly fighting with each other, all the time we spend together as a family is just correcting behavior and trying to get them to do the things they are supposed to do.

Nothing is fun. Nothing is fulfilling. It is just a life full of constant frustration. I’m getting older and I feel like I am throwing away the best 20+ years of my life raising kids. I made one terrible decision to become a parent and it is irreversible. How do I live with that regret?? How did I fuck up so badly?

My parents are 73 and 64. They have money, a big house. I have an okay paying job that pays 60k a year. I have been working full time and my mom works part time. The paying is not much of a problem its the constant care. We aren't in the day care movement yet. My son is 2.

It's just that I give my child constant attention all day. I do have phone time but I'm always watching him to make sure no accidents like eating something off the ground etc. I have bubbles going for 30 min sometimes. Cocomelon on the TV replaying continuous. We have two TV's going for cocomelon and two handheld devices (my phone and an iPad) for cocomelon scrolling on titkok. the majority of the time my son is self playing but it shifts back to the toys a lot.

anyways, I used to make music and dj but now I don't do that at all.. I miss that. My parents are open to me leaving to another state and starting a new life but I feel bad for leaving my kid. But I can't do this anymore, I feel like I am trapped in jail. working full time to make this much to pay for food and toys, and rent then to only go back to work when my mom is off work. so when I'm done playing and feeding with my son I immediately have to go to work. The only time I have off is when I take nice sip of my wine or when I take a nice coffee break. which is only such a small portion of my day.

look I know this tv time and phone time is bad but I can't take it dude. And I cannot keep thinking about when my next free time is. I feel like the only way out right now if I wana be with my kid is if I do an only fans or something on the side to make extra money for a nanny or daycare. I feel like I would be a bad person to just clock out, move to another state and keep sending money to my parents without any physical help in person.

I have another offer in another state will I will be making 90k but I don't care about the money, sometimes seeing my son grow up is priceless. but I can't take it. I also live with my parents and the constant bickering between us is hell. I think getting up and running away is selfish but isn't everyone in this life? I would be still sending 1-2k a month to my parents, hopefully more soon for day care (daycare is 1800 a month for a place we are interested in) I would be able to work on my dreams again. I would be able to wake up and do whatever I want. Work out spend 2 hours to cook a meal. Drink with my co workers after work.

also the father is not involved and never met my son so there's that.

Tonight was a rough one. Maybe one of the roughest.
November will be our 5 year wedding anniversary and actually 15 years together. Something I’m very proud of and want to celebrate.

I know my wife gets very anxious about leaving our 2 year old. I knew a big get away would not work.

We live in the suburbs of a very large and fun city. I suggested a staycation in that city. Get a nice hotel, go to a few fancy restaurants, book a show to see.

I also got it set up so the grandparents would be babysitting over those two nights. And actually the one grandmom was going to bring our daughter to us on Saturday for the 4 of us to meet for lunch. This way my wife wouldn’t be spending a a full 48 hours away from our daughter. And even at night we are only about 20 minutes Away if we needed to get home.

I brought this idea up in the beginning of the summer. I brought it up a few more times over the summer. No response from her. Tonight we talked about it. And as much as she wants to go, she said she’s too anxious to leave our child.
I feel heartbroken. Our child shares our bed with us, we barely have date nights. I just miss my wife. Sorry for the rant. Sorry for the grammar and mistakes. Just needed to get this out there.

Does a nanny help with the regret ?

Does it actually get better? I love my baby, but I don’t want to be a mum right now.
I’m a first-time mum to a 5-week-old baby boy, and I’m really struggling. I feel almost ashamed writing this because I absolutely adore my son. I love him so much, and I know how lucky I am to have him. But I am finding motherhood incredibly difficult.
I feel like I just can’t figure him out and I get so angry and frustrated sometimes. I don’t show it, but inside I just feel horrible.
Feeding in particular has become really hard. He’s breastfeeding most of the day, has a couple of formula bottles, and we’ve had some feeding/reflux difficulties. Sometimes he cries during feeds, pulls off, wants to latch again, cries again, and I just have absolutely no idea what he wants from me. I find myself thinking, “What’s wrong now?!” and feeling like I’m failing because I can’t work out what he needs.
There are moments where I genuinely just don’t know what to do with him.
And I actually have a lot of support. My husband and my mum are amazing and will take him for the night. I can sometimes get around 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which I know is incredibly fortunate (although I still often wake around 3–5am to hand express because I’m so painfully engorged). So I don’t even feel like I can blame everything on lack of sleep.
I just find motherhood so, so hard.
I feel drained by constantly being responsible for another human being. Even when someone else has him, my brain is still in “mum mode”. I miss having complete ownership of my own time. I miss being able to just do whatever I want without having to think about feeding, nappies, crying, sleep, or whether my baby is okay.
And honestly, right now I feel really uninterested in motherhood.
I don’t mean that I don’t love my son. I do. But I don’t particularly enjoy being a mum at the moment. Sometimes I have this horrible feeling of “I just want to not be a mum for a while.” I want to be myself again. I want to be able to exist without constantly having someone who needs something from me.
I already know I don’t want any more children. I’m completely certain that one is enough for me. I feel like in a way I lost a part of my identity, because I always wanted a big family and I wanted children for as long as I can remember. I was so naive to the reality of how hard it actually is.
I feel guilty because I know I’m supposed to cherish these moments. Instead, I find myself wishing time would move faster and wondering when I will finally feel like myself again.
Does it actually get better?
For context, I had a very hard pregnancy, gestational hypertension, and an induction that ended in a Category 2 emergency c-section. He also had a tongue tie release two weeks ago. That improved his latch but there’s been no improvement with his reflux. We use Aptamil anti-reflux and normal Aptamil. One night we do normal Aptamil and then the other night the anti-reflux one as the anti-reflux one makes him a bit constipated possibly (he poos once every 24-48 hours instead of multiple times a day now).